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pregnancy

miscarriage, loss, grief, pregnancy, parenting

miscarriage, loss, grief, pregnancy, parentingMay 1st is the anniversary of what has so far been the worst day of my life; the day that I lost my third baby. I feel so many emotions. I am overwhelmed and consumed, swallowed by inescapable grief. There is a feeling of finality that I was not prepared to feel. I don’t want to feel this; not today of all days.

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Men Can Experience the Contractions of Labor with the Neuromuscular Electrical Stimulator

I was listening to the radio on the way to drop off this morning and the DJ’s on the Bert Show were talking about two Dutch TV hosts, Dennis Storm and Valerio Zeno who decided to undergo electro-stimulations (they simulate contractions) for their show, “Guinea Pigs.” using a neuromuscular electrical stimulator. That piqued my interest but then they went on to say that they were going to do the same; live streaming on Ustream from their studio, I did what any woman who has experienced transition labor without a damn epidural would do, I raced home to watch. Men can experience the contractions of labor.

Even though it wasn’t as intense as real child labor, I think they got the picture. Growing little people and giving birth is not for the faint of heart. When will men realize that women, even though we are referred to as the weaker sex and may be smaller than men, we are built tough? We make hard decisions because we have to. We sacrifice our lives and ourselves, not because it’s easier for us but because we know it has to be done. We choose to do the right thing not because it’s easy but in spite of how hard it is; like giving birth.

READ ALSO: What giving Birth Feels Like

Men usually have more physical strength than women but we have a mind over matter mentality that is unparalleled. We have a way of seeing our way through to the other side. We have a quiet inner peace that gives us the strength to carry on when most others would quit.

I watched the video and it was funny to see how they reacted to the simulated contractions. But going through an entire 5 minutes of childbirth can never prepare anyone for what giving birth is really like.

READ ALSO: The Day I became a Mother

Giving birth is a full-body experience. It is physical, mental and spiritual. When I gave birth, I was in so much pain that it was all I could do to stay focused on the task at hand. About 5 hours into it, I wanted, with all that I was, to quit the whole thing. The pain was immeasurable. I didn’t have the benefit of my labor originating from a mechanism that I could control. There was no on/off switch and there was certainly no guaranteed 20 second rest period in between contractions and there was no promise that the pain of the contraction would only last 15 seconds. During the transition labor of my first birth, my contractions were so closely staggered that they felt constant.

I, honestly, thought I was going to die. There was no laughing. There was only quiet prayers for the pain to stop by any means possible. Either the baby needed to come out so the pain would stop or I was going to throw myself out of a window. I couldn’t have taken it much longer than I did. After the first one, I was not sure that I would ever have another baby. I was afraid. I was terrified. But I did.

READ ALSO: That One Time I went into Heat at Panda Express

This neuromuscular electrical stimulator is great to perhaps give men a glimpse into what labor contractions feel like but they can not replicate the state of mind that women experience when giving birth. It is a simultaneous end and beginning. The end of who we were and the birth of who we will become. The birth of our own child. There is nothing like the experience in the world and no two experiences are alike, even in the same woman.

birth, labor, contractions

Birth is messy. It is an out of body experience. It transcends space and time and in the end, you know that you did something completely amazing. You brought a miracle to life. You witnessed it’s creation and now you have the privilege of loving that child and raising it to be the change you want to see in the world. It is life-changing. It’s so much deeper than just learning the boundaries of your pain threshold, which is what the neuromuscular electrical stimulator has reduced the experience to.

Would you want your husband to experience the Neuromuscular Electrical Stimulator while you were in labor?

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KNowing when you are done, done having children, mom and baby, newborn

What would you do if you knew the last baby you had was your last baby ever? I used to read my friends posts about how they “knew” that they were done having babies.Or watch my girlfriend’s face when they told me that they were done. It was a look of certainty. I never understood what they meant. I always felt a little bit for sad for them that that time in their life was over. I guess it made me sad that the possibility was gone.

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Princess Kate, hyperemesis gravidarum, Kate Middleton, Duchess, Pregnant, Prince William, Paparazzi

Throat Punch Thursday, hyperemesis gravidarum, Princess Kate, Kate Middleton, Duchess Kate, Pregnant, Prince William, Britain

Princess Kate is expecting!

I know that news is so Monday but I have had a crazy week. You may be asking yourself, why does Debi care so much about whether or not Princess Kate is pregnant? I care because Princess Kate is something that my own two princesses and I share. What I mean is, we watched the royal wedding together. Yes, I am that mother. I woke my 5-year-old up at 4:30 am on the morning of the royal wedding. I let her sister sleep in. She was only 3, what am I a monster?

I kept her home from school and we wore tiaras and ate a fancy breakfast while drinking English tea and cheered as Kate Middleton married her prince and became Princess Kate. We love her in this house and we love a good romance, especially of grand fairytale types. We don’t see too many of those these days. It was magical and I will remember it always, just like I remember watching Princess Di marry Prince Charles with my own mother.

We are over the moon excited for Princess Kate and Prince William. Not so excited for the hyperemesis gravidarum because I have so been there. 5 almost 6 months of non stop vomiting with my second child has left me with a large sympathy for any mother -to-be who has to go through that. But as I am bombarded with Princess Kate in the news, I can’t help but feel sorry for her.

Princess Kate, hyperemesis gravidarum, Kate Middleton, Duchess, Pregnant, Prince William, Paparazzi

Princess Kate looking ever graceful as Prince William looks concerned

I remember that time between finding out I was pregnant and telling my husband and the time we announced it formally. That time is sacred and special and reserved for the parents. It’s that time when you get to walk around the world knowing and keeping the worlds happiest secret. It is magical.

We women wait to announce our pregnancies for many reasons, the number one reason being that if something were to go wrong with the pregnancy, we don’t want to have to see all of those sad, disappointed faces pitying us. It’s true.  We’ve all been there. So, I think it is crap that poor Princess Kate and Prince William had their first pregnancy force outed because of the media. I mean, my God, she can’t sneeze without a thousand photos being taken of it so there was no way that she could quietly and peacefully slip into hospital for a few days of recuperation without  the rumor mill working over time churning out tall tales of alien babies and plastic surgery. They had to reveal the pregnancy. The public has stole their special time, the biggest and best secret they will ever share as a couple.

My throat punch goes to the media for outing Princess Kate and Prince William’s pregnancy and to that nasty case of hyperemesis gravidarum because it truly is a bitch to suffer. As for whether or not she is having twins? Who knows. I just wish the Princess and Prince a healthy baby, an uneventful pregnancy and the privacy to enjoy this time together without the scrutiny of the press.

I know you are excited people but everyone deserves to have that special time to enjoy their pregnancy. I know I wouldn’t have wanted people all up in my business the first trimester of my pregnancies; I felt horrible, I looked run over by a truck and I was still trying to process the miracle that was about to change my life forever.

Don’t you agree that Princess Kate deserves to enjoy her first pregnancy without the watchful eye of the press?

 

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Unneeded Hysterectomies, India, Indian women

Unneeded Hysterectomies Change a Woman’s Life forever

When have unneeded hysterectomies being performed ever been moral? When did the world become so full of morally bankrupt men? If you have ever had a hair up your ass about women’s reproductive rights in the world, this is the time to really get mad. We need to get full on pissed off and say no more. We are women not animals or property, we don’t belong to men. Government has no business getting between our legs. For once and for all, stay out of our vaginas!

In India, less than respectable, doctors are performing illegal and unneeded hysterectomies on the poor women of India. I don’t mean “poor” as those poor women, I mean “poor” as in financially downtrodden. I mean poor as in they don’t have the means to refuse any medical treatment offered to them by a doctor, even if the solution to his made up problem is a complete removal of their uterus and ovaries. Who are these animals to do this to women? Why are they performing unneeded hysterectomies like they are going out of style, shirking their Hippocratic oath and removing the very essence of what makes most of us feel like women? For money!

Yes, India, the country who has already received multiple throat punches from me for aborting and killing their female babies simply due to the fact that they have vaginas versus a penis. The same country who has ultrasounds strategically placed on every corner so that perspective parents can get a refund if their unborn child has not won the Indian genetics lottery which means they are a boy. The same country who has men who still think it’s okay to mutilate the genitalia of it’s women and shackle them into chastity belts. Now, the doctors are taking it upon themselves to remove the women of rural India’s wombs by giving them completely unneeded hysterectomies because the hospital can claim the hysterectomies under a national insurance scheme. Even going so far to remove the ovaries which increases the risk for early onset of osteoporosis.

 

Doctors in the Indian state of Chhattisgarh performed hysterectomies on poor village women without a valid medical reason in order to claim money from a national insurance scheme, the state’s health minister said on Wednesday.

Under the program launched in 2008, doctors can claim up to 30,000 rupees ($540) to treat poor families, providing a safety net to help pay for expensive hospital surgeries. But critics say the program was exploited by unscrupulous doctors.

“The women were deliberately ill-advised by doctors who removed their uterus to get money,” Amar Agrawal, Chhattisgarh’s health minister told Reuters.

“As per my information the doctors have so far managed to make roughly 2 crore (10 million) rupees ($360,000) in recent months by removing uteruses without any valid medical reasons.”

The state government examined 1,800 hysterectomies performed in the impoverished state as part of an investigation into the alleged scam. Many of the operations were suspected to have been performed illegally, government sources told Reuters.

Does India hate it’s women? Or is this a growing trend in the world, where men hate the female population, or at the very least have no respect for women as being human? The world is going backwards my friends. Don’t think this just happens in third world countries someplace across the world. Make no mistake, it happens right here in the United States as well. Maybe no unneeded hysterectomies are being performed as an insurance scheme, but women are under attack. Our reproductive rights are being stripped away, piece by piece and our human worth has been compared to animals. We are in a day and time in history, when women are having the male agenda shoved down our throats and thrust into our vaginas.I am sad and sickened by the state of the world and women’s rights. We need to stand up and stop allowing ourselves to be abused by the male governing powers. We need to fight back and say no more.

India’s Unneeded Hysterectomies violates Women’s Rights

Today it’s India, performing unneeded hysterectomies, purposely aborting female babies and abandoning of killing those who survive birth. Tomorrow, it’s here…women being compared to swine, government sticking their nose into our vaginal business; how we should reproduce, when we should reproduce, if we should reproduce. This is between a couple and God. Government has no fucking business in our reproductive rights. Give women our full human rights first and then we can talk about government having any input on reproductive rights.

Throat Punch to the unscrupulous doctors in India who are performing these unneeded hysterectomies for money. May their license be stripped and may they be castrated by the women whom they have reproducibly hobbled for the rest of their life.May you be put in jail and may all of your reproductive tools be removed while you sleep, unsuspectingly. May you know the pain of having no control over the choices made on your behalf.

Just because a woman is poor financially does not give any man the right to take away her choice to have children and become a mother or determine when, why or how she has the children. Men, it’s not your fucking business. We are not children, you have no right to make choices on our behalf. You have no right to punish us because you feel that our choices don’t live up to your expectations. A woman’s reproductive parts are something that we hold as dear to who we are as men do their reproductive parts. Boo on  you for thinking you know what is better for women than we do for ourselves. You have no right to end abortion or give unneeded hysterectomies for money.

 

 Unneeded Hysterectomies is a Violation of Human Rights

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miranda kerr, drugged baby, mommy wars

miranda kerr, drugged baby, mommy wars

Miranda Kerr, Mommy or Obstetrician?

I didn’t realize that Miranda Kerr was not only beautiful, procreating with Orlando Bloom and an OB/GYN! Holy shit, talk about having it all. Wait! Miranda Kerr, you are not an obstetrician? You are just a woman who has given birth, like the rest of us but with a rocking Victoria Secret body? Well, then please keep your medical advice to yourself. I will however take your beauty advice. When I was pregnant with my first child, my obstetrician told me that there are no awards for going through the most painful childbirth; there is no trophy and your child will not love you more. However, Ms. Kerr she never told me that my kid would be “drugged up”, I’d be a sissy if I took an epidural and you would be an infinitely better mother than me. Maybe I would have chosen differently. Probably not, but thanks for bringing it to my attention. Mind your own Vagina, Miranda Kerr.

Actually, I had greatness thrust upon me. I had an unwanted natural labor because my anesthesiologist was in surgery when I was in labor. Did your eyes just get really big and did your vagina start to hurt? Yeah, imagine how I felt. I got my epidural at 10 centimeters dilated. It was recommended that I just forgo the entire thing but I was in such pain and desperation that they gave it to me at 1/2 strength. Hell, it may have been a placebo but damn it I didn’t care at that point. I vaguely remember the anesthesiologist telling me the risks and something about the possibility of never being able to walk again. Anyone who has ever experienced transition labor unmedicated knows, I didn’t give a shit if I couldn’t walk again. I just needed the pain to stop. He could have offered to put a bullet in my skull to stop the pain and I would have happily agreed so long as that pain stopped. So, Miranda Kerr, I give you props you are no sissy. You willingly and purposefully gave birth unmedicated. Go you but that does not give you the right to tell the rest of us mothers how to give birth. Mind your own vagina, stay out of mine.

Miranda Kerr, Stay our of my Vagina

I had to survive the entire transition labor unmedicated. UNMEDICATED.PEOPLE!! That may be all well and good if you choose it and are mentally prepared for the pain but its not the kind of surprise you want to have happen to you at the hospital. It hurt, a lot.A.LOT!!!  I wanted to jump out of my hospital window and kill myself to stop the pain. You see how giving birth is a near death experience for the mother? I’m pretty sure had I done that, it would have more adversely affected my baby’s start in life than taking the epidural. The epidural is what stopped the pain enough for me to stop considering jumping out the window and focus on bringing my beautiful baby girl into the world. You are not a doctor so shut your mouth and mind your own vagina, Miranda Kerr.

Being a mom is hard enough without other moms judging us for our parenting choice, little lone our pregnancy or birthing choices. I guess there is no time like the moment of conception to start the Mommy wars. Miranda Kerr, I think it’s awesome that you made a choice and stuck by it. I don’t judge you for your choice in childbirth. I, however, chose to have the epidural because it was the best choice for my child and myself. It was the best way I could survive childbirth. It was the best thing for my child because the less stress on me, the less stress on her. You chose differently but it’s just a choice and yours is no better than mine just because your have a bigger platform to make your choices heard. Being a celebrity doesn’t make you an authority.

Miranda Kerr, Mind your own vagina and I will mind mine.

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baby center, miscarriage, pregnancy loss

Throat Punch Thursday, Miscarriage, D&E , Baby Center

Baby Center Missed the Miscarriage Memo

Miscarriage Reminder from Baby Center. Due to the holiday and a lot of moving and packing and general exhaustion in the 107 degree weather, I was a bit discombobulated and Throat Punch Thursday is a day late. Yesterday, as I was packing up our home for our final good-bye, Baby Center sent me a “Congratulations, you are at the half way mark in your pregnancy”… Only, I’m not because I miscarried May 1st at 10 weeks and 4 days. I know this because every 1st day of the month, I am stabbed in the chest with a little knife that reminds me that I am missing something followed by my shark week that starts a few days later just so the point is driven home that my womb is EMPTY. So fuck you very much Baby Center, I didn’t need the reminder of what could have been because I’ve never forgotten! I know I lost my pregnancy, I don’t need bells and whistles as a reminder.

I got a bill in the mail today and I can’t let it go. Believe me I believe in paying for services. I pay my bills. I always have but there are some things in life that should be free and the fact that people have to be charged for these things makes me feel indignant and stabbity.

baby center, miscarriage, pregnancy loss

Oh yeah, the outrageous bill that I just received is what I’m being charged for my D&E. This has me truly indignant. In my mind, I KNOW it’s a surgery and it saved me from infections and all sorts of other painful repercussions but it’s not fair. I can’t even believe they charge for this. I understand that there are charges involved. I understand that doctors need to be paid, surgeons, anesthesiologists, nurses, medication needs to be dispensed but fuck me. In my heart, I don’t understand. I want to stomp my feet, scream at the top of my lungs and say “HELL NO! WE WON’T PAY for MISCARRIAGES!! THIS IS BULLSHIT!”

No Charge for Miscarriage Please

Paying for an unwanted D&E (is there such a thing really as a “wanted” one?) after my miscarriage is as awful as charging parents for their child’s pediatric cancer treatment. It’s like charging to give someone a drink when they are dying of thirst in the dessert. It’s like charging to throw someone a life preserver when they are drowning. It is withholding the cure for cancer because someone cannot afford the cure. It is bullshit.

There are just some things in life that should be free and a D& E is one of those things. There’s nothing quite like billing a broken woman for her own misery. Talk about insult to injury! I want to punch the hospital billing department square in the gullet just for having the audacity to bill me for my miscarriage.  If anything, I feel like someone owes me something, an explanation would be nice. Maybe insurance should make pregnancy lossone of those things they pay for in its entirety, like getting your teeth cleaned. I’d considered it well being, its something that had to be done to keep my sanity after the loss. Paying for a miscarriage feels like paying for my own hit. I want to scream and yell for it to stop. I don’t want to pay for something I never wanted. I wanted my baby. I never wanted the miscarriage or the D&E. At the very least, maybe there should be a 6-month grace period before a bill is sent to the victim patient.

I guess it’s all still too fresh for me because Baby Center, the outrageous bill that I have to pay for something I NEVER wanted and being told, “I Bet you wish you would have sold all those baby toys at the garage sell now, don’t you?” makes me what to throat punch the lot of them and so I am. Throat Punches to Baby Center, the billing offices and the other asshole who shall remain nameless for being completely insensitive and douche canoes.

Who would you Throat Punch today? I know, I am in a really bad mood with this one. Sorry if I sound like a complete loon but honestly, leave it to all this emotional shit to surface right on shark week. This would be one of those posts where I cringe and hit publish anyway. I know it’s not politically correct to talk about the cost of a miscarriage or to be irate at Baby Center for sending me a reminder to celebrate the biggest loss of my life but it’s how I’m feeling today and I love you all for listening.

I am being featured at Erin Margolin  And Your TRUTH Shall Set you Free today telling you all about my writer roots. You may be shocked at what you learn about your Truthful Mommy. I share my truth, no holds barred. Hope you will read and comment and stick around and check out Erin’s site. She is a wonderful writer and you will be glad you did. Have a wonderful weekend. Enjoy the moments with your family because that is what counts and try not to melt in this ridiculous heat. I’ll try not to bitch slap the next person who reminds me of my miscarriage.

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baby naming, pregnant belly, pregnancy

naming,baby naming, pregnant belly, pregnancy

Naming Your Baby is Giving them a Sense of Self

Naming your baby is a big decision. The minute we knew we were having a baby girl, we knew exactly that we would name her Bella. It had nothing to do with a Grandmother who had passed away; if that were the case our firstborn would have been named Daisy Militine. I did not name her after my best friends, as my mother had done me; if that were the case our firstborn would have been named Julia Nicole. There was no long drawn out ceremony of pouring over baby name books for months on end.There was a movie.

The Big Guy and I watched Fools Rush In together in the fall of 2007. We met and began dating on September 29th while we were both in our last year at Purdue. We watched the movie together over the Thanksgiving break. This movie will always hold a very special place in our hearts because it was the catalyst for the Big Guy to propose to me. The Big Guy saw our relationship reflected in the main characters (minus the unplanned pregnancy). He came into my life like a whirlwind and unexpectedly swept me off of my feet. He was everything, I never knew, I always wanted. He proposed 2 months later.

Naming Your Baby is their Trademark for Life

Why did we name our daughter after a character in a movie? Because that character in that innocuous, comedic love story changed our lives in the biggest way possible. We knew that the birth of our baby would change our lives in ways that we could never have imagined. None of it would have been possible if we had not sat on his parents’ couch late one Saturday night and watched that video. Naming our daughter after a movie that changed the course of our history seemed like the right thing to do. She is a constant reminder of how lucky we are to have found one another at a time when neither of us was looking.

I spoke to my baby in utero addressing her as Bella for months before she was born. The moment I held her in my arms, it was like finally meeting someone I had known my entire life. She completed us. She made us a family and not just a couple. She was our Bella. She is beautiful, smart, funny and witty and everything a parent could ever hope for in a child. Just like her Daddy and her sister after her, she was (and is) everything, I never knew, I always wanted.

It was easy for us to decide on our baby’s name. How did you decide on your baby’s name? Or do you have a great story on how your parents decided on your name? Tell me for a chance to win a year’s supply of cards from Cardstore.com!

In celebration of the 8 women who are pregnant, Cardstore.com has expanded their offering of birth announcements!

Official Sweepstakes Rules. This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of Cardstore. The opinions and text about naming your baby are all mine.

Naming a Baby is Giving them A Tagline in the World

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A Thousand Years

It seems like it’s been A Thousand Years since I first found out that I was going to be a mother for the third time. It’s been 3 months today since that test showed two lines. I was surprised and exhilarated and scared all in that moment. But mostly I was unexpectedly blessed beyond my wildest dreams. I’ve always wanted three children but it just didn’t seem to be in the cards and then it was and now it’s not. Mother’s Day was yesterday. This was my 7th Mother’s day. Every year, I thank God for blessing me with my beautiful children.Now, I know to thank God for my children every second of every day. I’ve always known that some women were not so lucky to be sitting, holding their children in their lap on Mother’s day but I never honestly knew their pain. The lingering emptiness and void that remains long after a baby is gone.

I have been waiting for you for a thousand years

I’ve always felt like I don’t deserve my children. I have days when I am grouchy and sometimes I am less patient than my girls deserve. I lose my temper and say “No” to a lot of requests to what seems to me to be frivolous requests. I rush them and hush them. But what if they weren’t there to ask? Then what? I’d give my life to be sure that they are here so why not give in to frivolous requests? Because maybe those requests are not so frivolous after all. I am now painfully aware how very important every moment of every day is with my children. I had to learn this lesson the hard way.

Yesterday, I had lots of love sent my way. I thought I would be okay. It’s been two weeks since I saw that life changing ultrasound. I’ll NEVER be over it. I will never forget the baby that I was looking forward to introducing to my family this Thanksgiving. I feel like I loved that baby for a thousand years and I know I will love him for a thousand more. As far as I am concerned, I am the mommy of three babies. I just never got the privilege of holding my third baby in my arms. I feel robbed and cheated and sad. But a little part of me, feels grateful that I ever got the chance to feel that incredible love that a mommy can only feel for the baby growing inside her. It’s been a hard two weeks, the hardest of my entire life. I am learning to live in my new normal.

I have loved You for a Thousand Years

I feel like a ticking time bomb of emotions. The song that was playing that morning as we drove to the hospital, the very same song that I sang to my belly in the car the week before, A Thousand Years by Christina Perri, every time I hear it I bitter-sweetly smile at what might have been and cry at what I had to lose to truly appreciate what I had. I have new perspective. Mother’s Day to me is a day to give thanks for all the beautiful mother’s in my life.A day to appreciate the power of a mother’s love.

My mother who loves me so much that she stepped back to allow me to feel my pain at my request, knowing that, as a mother, all she wanted to do was run to me and comfort me. My sister, who lost her own angel, 10 years ago. I never understood the solitude in  her pain and I now wish that I could just wrap her in love and make everything alright for her. She is so brave and beautiful. I admire her for her heart. My baby sister, who just celebrated her first Mother’s day but loves me so much that she held me as I cried and felt my pain so that the force of it did not kill me. To all my friends who have never felt this loss but love me so much that they surrounded me with love, prayer and understanding and to all of the beautiful friends and strangers who I am joined to forever in our loss., my heart goes out to all of you because I know how hard it is to lose something that means so very much. Please hold those babies you can in your arms every day and be thankful they are there and hold the ones that are not, in your heart where they will live and be a part of you forever.

I’ll Love you for a thousand More

Today is a new beginning. Today, I am rising from beneath the rubble of my heart. I am summoning all of my strength and I will get up out of bed, love my children with all that I am, live my life and be thankful for all the wonderful people and opportunities that I have been given. I am counting my blessings, wiping my tears away and coming back to life. I am no longer who I once was and things that seemed so important last month have no importance at all today. My priority is my family; my husband who has been my rock and my beautiful daughters who light up my life and show me how very precious life is and how very blessed I am to have them.

Positive, how long I’ve waited for this

An unnatural calm has over taken me

I am happy but afraid to be excited

Afraid my joy will be sort lived and snatched away

My whole life this was the moment I was meant for

But maybe it’s not to be, maybe it’s the cruelest joke

To give such a precious git & take it away just as quickly

I feel a sick feeling in my stomach which accompanies the thought of losing you

I pray to God to spare me this misery

To let us be together until the sunset of my life!

The above quote was written July of 2004 when I was spotting with my first pregnancy.

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signs of miscarriage, symptoms of miscarriage, miscarriage, loss, grief, pregnancy loss, all I can do is cry, missed abortion, what it feels like to have a miscarriage

Cry is the only response my body could muster when I heard the word miscarriage.

I want to scream but I can’t. I can barely think. All I can do is cry.

My heart has been irreparably broken.

This unexpected blessing that shocked me when I first saw the two lines, this baby that I didn’t deserve is now gone.

My miracle labeled a miscarriage.

I can’t breathe. I can’t think. All I can do is cry.

I went in this morning because I was spotting; no cramps, no heavy bleeding; nothing. I expected everything to be ok. It wasn’t. It isn’t. I don’t know if it ever will be again.

I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. All I can do is cry.

We had only told a very few people, not even our little girls who have been begging for a baby brother or sister.

I’m always afraid. Always afraid that I’ll say something too soon and something bad will happen.

Terrified that I’ll have to explain a miscarriage, afraid my happiness will prove too bold.

My sister lost a baby at 9 weeks. I am 10 weeks and 4 days, I thought I was safe. I wasn’t.

The ultrasound showed 9 weeks and 2 days. That’s when our baby died.

The moment I saw the tech’s face, I knew.

There was no tiny heartbeat.

Only a perfect, still baby.

What does it feel like to have a miscarriage?

It feels like all the wind has been knocked out of me. I feel numb.

I want to crawl up inside myself and be still and never move again.

I want to die. I want my heart to stop beating.

I can’t bear the thought of people looking at me with pity. The thought of people trying to talk or understand my pain away weighs on me like an anchor around my neck.

Just let me be. Let me feel this insurmountable loss.

Let me cry my primal animalistic screams and pretend you don’t hear.

Don’t touch me.

Don’t speak to me.

Just let me be alone with my darkness, my abyss; my hell.

My baby was a promise for something better. The promise has been broken and I feel empty. I feel betrayed and let down by life.

I can’t talk. I can’t breathe. All I can do is cry.

While you are reading this, I will be at the hospital having a D & E because the thought of walking around with my perfect baby without a heartbeat inside me while waiting for it to pass on its own is too much to bear right now.

I appreciate your love, prayers and support and I was hoping to be sharing with you our pregnancy this month, instead, I’m sharing my loss. It’s the only way I know how to move through my pain…to write it down.

I believe that there is a reason for everything and that God has a divine plan for us all, but right now, today my heart is breaking.

All I can do is cry.

This miscarriage makes me feel like my body has completely failed me and I don’t know how to survive this gaping wound in my soul.

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