signs of miscarriage, symptoms of miscarriage, miscarriage, loss, grief, pregnancy loss, all I can do is cry, missed abortion, what it feels like to have a miscarriage

All I Can Do is Cry

by Deborah Cruz

Cry is the only response my body could muster when I heard the word miscarriage.

I want to scream but I can’t. I can barely think. All I can do is cry.

My heart has been irreparably broken.

This unexpected blessing that shocked me when I first saw the two lines, this baby that I didn’t deserve is now gone.

My miracle labeled a miscarriage.

I can’t breathe. I can’t think. All I can do is cry.

I went in this morning because I was spotting; no cramps, no heavy bleeding; nothing. I expected everything to be ok. It wasn’t. It isn’t. I don’t know if it ever will be again.

I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. All I can do is cry.

We had only told a very few people, not even our little girls who have been begging for a baby brother or sister.

I’m always afraid. Always afraid that I’ll say something too soon and something bad will happen.

Terrified that I’ll have to explain a miscarriage, afraid my happiness will prove too bold.

My sister lost a baby at 9 weeks. I am 10 weeks and 4 days, I thought I was safe. I wasn’t.

The ultrasound showed 9 weeks and 2 days. That’s when our baby died.

The moment I saw the tech’s face, I knew.

There was no tiny heartbeat.

Only a perfect, still baby.

What does it feel like to have a miscarriage?

It feels like all the wind has been knocked out of me. I feel numb.

I want to crawl up inside myself and be still and never move again.

I want to die. I want my heart to stop beating.

I can’t bear the thought of people looking at me with pity. The thought of people trying to talk or understand my pain away weighs on me like an anchor around my neck.

Just let me be. Let me feel this insurmountable loss.

Let me cry my primal animalistic screams and pretend you don’t hear.

Don’t touch me.

Don’t speak to me.

Just let me be alone with my darkness, my abyss; my hell.

My baby was a promise for something better. The promise has been broken and I feel empty. I feel betrayed and let down by life.

I can’t talk. I can’t breathe. All I can do is cry.

While you are reading this, I will be at the hospital having a D & E because the thought of walking around with my perfect baby without a heartbeat inside me while waiting for it to pass on its own is too much to bear right now.

I appreciate your love, prayers and support and I was hoping to be sharing with you our pregnancy this month, instead, I’m sharing my loss. It’s the only way I know how to move through my pain…to write it down.

I believe that there is a reason for everything and that God has a divine plan for us all, but right now, today my heart is breaking.

All I can do is cry.

This miscarriage makes me feel like my body has completely failed me and I don’t know how to survive this gaping wound in my soul.

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132 comments

Jennifer Cullen 2012/05/01 - 6:17 am

My heart hurts for you and your husband. I’m so sorry.

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Deborah Cruz 2012/06/14 - 6:21 am

I know this is LATE but I am just to the point where I can respond, thank you. Your kind words have meant more than you can know.

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Courtney 2012/05/01 - 6:49 am

I don’t know u besides following you on twitter & being thankful everyday I’m not the only one going through everything you write about. I will tell you that your post this morning brought back so many emotion I thought I had locked away and gotten over . I have been through 2 miscarriages after having two healthy pregnancies, for anyone to say they know how you feel is out of line .. Every mom who experiences this does so in different ways , my spirit was crushed & I also felt like my body had let me down . I felt like god had robbed me not only once but twice of having a precious angel in my arms. With all that said it took a long time for me to forgive myself and god for taking that experience from me. Just know that you have tons of followers , friends & family who are praying for you . It does get better over time , u will never forget but the pain does go away . Dont let this rob you of attempting again .. I have a wild blonde haired green eyed 5 yr old boy who runs me ragged & drives me crazy ..but I am so thankful god gave him to me . Hugs & kisses & you have many prayers being sent your way

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Deborah Cruz 2012/06/14 - 6:23 am

I am so sorry that you had to go through this. Your words have resonated with me and helped to carry me through one of the most difficult times in my life. XO

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Tracy 2012/05/01 - 7:05 am

Oh my friend. I’m hurting for you. Sending you so much love today. I’m so sorry.

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Deborah Cruz 2012/06/14 - 6:26 am

THank you for the love, support and friendship. It has meant so much to me how many women have come forward and shared their own stories. I know it is painful to speak of but you all will never know how much your understanding and love has meant to me in a time when I could barely lift my head off of the pillow to see clear to the next day. XO

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Anna 2012/05/01 - 7:49 am

I wish I were there to just give you a hug!

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Deborah Cruz 2012/06/14 - 6:27 am

The very fact that you care enough to want to has helped to carry me through.XO

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Lenette 2012/05/01 - 8:13 am

Oh Deborah, I’m so sorry. I’m praying for you.

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Deborah Cruz 2012/06/14 - 6:28 am

The prayers may have saved my life.Thank you.

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Delilah 2012/05/01 - 9:35 am

I am so sorry. I’ve had 5 miscarriages and each one was devastating. Thinking of you today.

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Deborah Cruz 2012/06/14 - 6:31 am

I am so sorry that you had to experience this five times. I am sending you hugs back directly.

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Coffee Lovin' Mom 2012/05/01 - 9:39 am

I am so sorry! There are no other words – you cry it out on your own time, my heart aches for you..

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Deborah Cruz 2012/06/14 - 6:33 am

Thank you for being such a supportive friend. I did a lot of crying in the past month and am just now seeing my way clear enough to respond to these comments but I may need to respond in small doses as they are breaking my heart a little. I am awed by the outpouring of genuine love and support that I have received. Thank you, my friend. XO

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Denise 2012/05/01 - 9:55 am

So sorry. Hugs to you

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Nicole @MTDLBlog 2012/05/01 - 10:05 am

I know that this is enormously painful – we went through this a few years back…I’m so sorry. Allow yourself this time and hold tight to those closest to you. Big hugs.

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Alexandra 2012/05/01 - 10:05 am

I have tears in my eyes for you, Deb. Your baby. I am so very sorry.

I wish I could give you the biggest hug and bring over a meal so you could rest.

I am so so sorry.

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Jess 2012/05/01 - 10:06 am

My heart is broken. I’m so sorry. There are no words, only prayers.

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Jennifer 2012/05/01 - 10:15 am

I’m so, so sorry. I wish I could sit with you and hold your hand.

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Devan @ Unspoken Grief™ 2012/05/01 - 11:39 am

I am so sorry D for your loss. Sending lots of hugs your way and please let me know if there’s anyway I can help. xxo

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KalleyC 2012/05/01 - 11:56 am

Deborah, I cry right a long with you when I was reading this. Words cannot even convey the emotions that I feel for you. I am also familiar with miscarriage, and it feels like things will never be the same again.

I wrote down my experience here: https://www.bloggingwhilenursing.com/2011/08/02/sorting-my-emotions-after-a-loss/

I just want you to know that I will be praying for you and your family. You take as much time as you need to mourn, and if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here. –Kalley C

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Rusti 2012/05/01 - 12:32 pm

sending you so much love Debi, and many prayers too. wishing I could do something to help, I’m here for support though. *hugs*

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Natalie @MamaTrack 2012/05/01 - 4:10 pm

I’m so sorry. I’ve lost a baby too. The pain and heartbreak are overwhelming. Thinking of you.

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Kait 2012/05/01 - 4:16 pm

I am so so so sorry. My heart breaks with you. Prayers and love.

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Tracy 2012/05/01 - 10:05 pm

Oh Deborah, I am so so very sorry to read this. You and your husband must be so overwhelmed with this right now.

Please take care of yourself and just ‘be’. Sending you healing vibes and virtual hugs.

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FireMom 2012/05/01 - 10:35 pm

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending love.

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Crystal 2012/05/01 - 11:32 pm

I am so sorry. I have been there, and there is no pain like it. You and your family are in my prayers.

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XLMIC 2012/05/02 - 1:43 am

Big hugs. I’ve been there…10 wks 4 days. Sending you love and strength. Enveloping you in sweet, healing thoughts.

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Cindi 2012/05/02 - 8:56 am

Sending you lots of hugs, prayers and support. Let me know if you need anything. Here if you want to talk.

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Alison@Mama Wants This 2012/05/02 - 9:05 am

I’m so, so very sorry for your loss Deborah. Take care of yourself. Cry if you have to. Take your time.

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Kate 2012/05/02 - 9:07 am

((hugs)) because I feel like even my words, of complete understanding, won’t be enough right noW, Take all the time you need to grieve… It’s a process. I am here if you need someone who understands and knows this pain all too well.

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Andrea 2012/05/02 - 9:35 am

Oh Debi. I am so sorry. You have my sympathy and prayers. Take care. xoxo

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liza 2012/05/02 - 10:40 am

i am just so sorry for your loss. hugs. xoxo

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Tina @ Life Without Pink 2012/05/02 - 10:40 am

I am so very sorry. Praying for you.

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Jackie 2012/05/02 - 10:45 am

Oh Deb… I am so sorry for you loss and all that you are going through. There is nothing that can take that pain away… nothing that can make it better.
I know this because I went through the exact same thing at the exact same time in one of my pregnancies and I too did the D&C because I didn’t want to go through the waiting and wondering when it would pass on it’s own. I couldn’t do it.
All I can do is send all my love, thoughts, and prayers your way.
If you need someone to talk to just let me know. I’m here.

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Shell 2012/05/02 - 10:52 am

I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you prayers.

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Julia Roberts 2012/05/02 - 10:52 am

Oh Deb, I am so, so very sorry for your loss and am thinking about you today and as you try to heal…sending love and hugs.

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Mrs. Jen B 2012/05/02 - 11:05 am

I am so, so sorry for your loss and your pain. I’ll be thinking of and praying for you and your family, and sending you all the light I can.

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Erin Lane 2012/05/02 - 11:31 am

I am so very sorry for your loss. Will be thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.

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Ashley 2012/05/02 - 11:34 am

I am so so sorry for your loss.

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Gena Morris 2012/05/02 - 11:36 am

Prayin for all of you

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DeAnne 2012/05/02 - 11:53 am

I don’t know you, i do know your grief. Know that you are loved by so many. We are with you in this

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Melissa {momcomm} 2012/05/02 - 12:24 pm

Debi-
I’m so so sorry for your loss. My prayers are definitely with you, friend.

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gigi 2012/05/02 - 1:14 pm

Big hugs to you, sweet friend. I am so sorry this is happening. We’re all here for you.

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mrs.d 2012/05/02 - 1:28 pm

I’m so sorry!

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Amy @ Counting My Kisses 2012/05/02 - 1:55 pm

I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. Sending lots of hugs your way, and lots of strength as well.

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Jessica 2012/05/02 - 4:42 pm

I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you and your family lots of hugs.

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Aubrey Anne 2012/05/02 - 4:43 pm

xoxoxo

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Leigh Ann 2012/05/02 - 4:48 pm

I’m so sorry. I cannot even imagine. Prayers for you, dear.

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Allie 2012/05/02 - 6:24 pm

Oh Deborah,

My heart aches for you. I am so sorry.

Allie

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Jessica 2012/05/02 - 7:26 pm

My heart is breaking for you Deb, I know the pain is unimaginable. Sending a million hugs your way.

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Jessica @FoundtheMarbles 2012/05/02 - 7:51 pm

Sending you strength, love and light. I am so, so sorry for your loss.

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Annie 2012/05/02 - 8:04 pm

Everything happens for a reason..Maybe God has a better plan for you. God is taking care of your little angel now. Take care..

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Jenni Chiu 2012/05/02 - 8:51 pm

Oh, love – you know I know.
I am reaching out to you right now with a hug – the “my heart to your heart” kind.
I am so very sorry.

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Natalie 2012/05/02 - 8:51 pm

I am so sorry for your loss. We lost a baby last year at 11 weeks. The memory is still fresh. You and your family are on my mind.

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NotJustAnotherJennifer 2012/05/02 - 10:20 pm

Honey, I’m so, so sorry. It totally sucks. You’re absolutely right – let yourself feel and grieve and write through it. It’s so hard to see anything but this moment right now, I know. Feel free to email me if you want. Thank God for the amazing blogosphere -the number of women who have been in our shoes is astounding, and they are nothing but supportive.

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Kathryn (@kat1124) 2012/05/02 - 10:30 pm

I’m so very sorry for your loss and pain. I also had a d&c after my baby died, for the same reason. Healing thoughts to you, body and heart.

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TRina 2012/05/02 - 11:18 pm

*hugs* I’m so sorry for your loss.

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Zakary 2012/05/03 - 12:27 am

I am so sorry.

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Bruna 2012/05/03 - 1:01 am

Oh deb, my heart goes out to you. Keeping u in my prayers while you’re in hospital and recovering. I have no words to take away the pain of your loss. Know that I am thinking of you. Sending you a great big hug too.

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Jessica 2012/05/03 - 1:25 am

My heart breaks for you

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MommaKiss 2012/05/03 - 12:11 pm

much love and huge hugs, ok. cry. cry all damn day. and more. it’s your right to grieve the way you must.

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Fadra 2012/05/03 - 1:58 pm

I had no idea. I’m so so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how devastating it is.

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Tracey 2012/05/04 - 1:21 pm

I’ve had two miscarriages and each one totally knocked the wind out of me–in more ways than one.

Cry whenever you need too and take one day at a time. Will keep you in my prayers.

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tayarra 2012/05/04 - 11:19 pm

I know your pain. I was 12 weeks. No sign of trouble. We found out at my regular heartbeat appointment. It happens too often. I know you don’t want pity and I get that. I’m sorry you are feeling this pain….going through this hell. Do what you have to do and don’t apologize or feel guilty about any of it. I pray for the peace to come soon.

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Tam 2012/05/08 - 8:41 pm

I am so sorry. The sun will come out again, but it will seem a little dimmer. My heart is with you – it has been broken in this manner before, I wish nobody else’s ever would be. x

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Alina 2012/05/10 - 4:27 am

Oh, I feel very sorry for your loss…:(
Many ‘hugs’. May you have peace soon…

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By Word of Mouth Musings 2012/05/13 - 1:52 pm

I just want to scream from the hilltops for you …
I had to stop reading the comments – too many of us have shared this road, this journey to a place that no one wants to be.
My heart hurts with yours xxxx

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Thank you for your kind words. It was the kindness and understanding of the people I know online that carried me through that terrible time in my life when I didn’t want to speak about it. They shared their experiences and they rescued me from my hole of pain. XO

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Pragya 2013/05/30 - 5:31 am

Hats off strong woman. I just read your own experience on child abuse and the another link I followed is this one. And from starting to the end your each and every words have a great influence on me. You truly are an inspiration to many people in the world. Keep on writing. Best wishes.

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The TRUTH About Motherhood | There are Angels Among Us - The TRUTH About Motherhood 2013/07/07 - 12:37 pm

[…] of the baby that we lost, I just couldn’t do it. I’m still muddling through the muddy waters of loss and just when I think I may be getting to a point where I am less affected by our loss, I’m […]

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The TRUTH About Motherhood | The Hardest Part is the Waiting - The TRUTH About Motherhood 2013/10/15 - 12:57 pm

[…] to be sure. My heart stopped. I thought everything was fine but I’ve been here before, that unsuspecting moment when you think life is fine and it gets completely knocked upside down.  I don’t want to be here. I want to be somewhere else; anywhere else.  I want to close my eyes […]

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The TRUTH About Motherhood | Living in the Purgatory of Loss - The TRUTH About Motherhood 2013/10/15 - 11:31 pm

[…] On Tuesday evening in casual conversation, I asked a my daughter’s ballet teacher when she was due. She said Thanksgiving and just like that, I was punched in the gut. Thanksgiving last year was my due date, this year I should have a one-year-old sitting on my lap. I don’t. It’s not fucking fair! I just want to collapse into a pool of snot and tears and cry until I can’t cry anymore. […]

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locksmith tampa fl 2013/10/23 - 9:33 am

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The TRUTH About Motherhood | last baby, having your last baby,giving birth, pregnancy, newborn,done 2013/11/05 - 10:39 am

[…] and we thought of names and daydreamed about what our last baby would look like. Then it was all just as quickly gone. It sucked. The deflation, the hurt and the losing of the dream was really hard to swallow. It […]

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The TRUTH About Motherhood | How do You KNOW When You are Done Having Babies? - The TRUTH About Motherhood 2013/11/05 - 10:40 am

[…] For a long time after we miscarried, I thought anyone who tried again must be mad. How the hell can your heart take it? Mine couldn’t. I swore to myself that my heart couldn’t take it but I think I was wrong. We said the only way we would try again is if Gabi asked, if she meant it. I think her little heart broke as much as mine on that day I miscarried. She was able to verbalize her pain, even better than I was. I tell you, that kid is amazing. I wish I could do this for her but I don’t think I can. Not because I am afraid of losing but because there are so many things that could go wrong; so many ways to fail. The stakes are too high. […]

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The TRUTH About Motherhood | The Beauty of Motherhood - The TRUTH About Motherhood 2013/11/11 - 10:11 am

[…] been thinking about motherhood a lot lately, in every way. It’s been a life changing couple of years. When I started this blog, I was in the thick of motherhood. I couldn’t see […]

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The TRUTH About Motherhood | Why do Bloggers Judge Mom Bloggers so Harshly? - The TRUTH About Motherhood 2014/01/22 - 10:11 am

[…] baby had no heartbeat and in the midst of my heart breaking pain and through my own primal cries, I wrote it out. I felt like a trapped animal and I needed to purge myself of the pain, to make sense of it and I […]

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The TRUTH About Motherhood | What Women Really Want on Valentine's Day - The TRUTH About Motherhood 2014/02/05 - 11:35 am

[…] up together. We have built a family. Built a life. He is my home and my soft place to land when the world has beaten me to a bloody pulp and I am his. He has given me everything I never knew I always wanted and he has made me a better […]

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The TRUTH About Motherhood | The Worst Day of My Life - The TRUTH About Motherhood 2014/05/01 - 8:18 am

[…] I had my miscarriage, I wanted to die. All I could do was cry.I wanted to sink into one of my deep, tear stained sleeps where I had sobbed myself into exhaustion […]

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The TRUTH About Motherhood | Netflix's Derek Shines Light on Autism & Teaches Important Lessons About Tolerance and Kindness - The TRUTH About Motherhood 2014/09/08 - 10:08 am

[…] when I am overwhelmed with life circumstances. In fact, BBC’s Shameless got me through one of the toughest times in my life. There was just something about being at my lowest and being able to watch people at an even lower […]

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ABC's How to Get Away With Murder finds Miscarriage Funny - The TRUTH About Motherhood 2014/11/07 - 9:27 am

[…] but I feel sick. I cringed as the words were being said. As someone who has actually suffered  survived (barely) a miscarriage, I can assure you that I have never been grateful for the one. I mourn that loss every day. When it […]

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How to Give Back this Thanksgiving - The TRUTH About Motherhood 2014/11/24 - 12:18 pm

[…] in this life, I’m not sure that I’d be who I am today. Since he came into my life, he’s been my soft place to land in the hard times, my biggest cheerleader in the down times and my constant supporter to go for my dreams. He’s […]

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Finally, "Normal" - The TRUTH About Motherhood 2015/01/26 - 1:48 pm

[…] jobs, we finally got to live together with my in-laws for a year, that was the year that I had a miscarriage and turned 40. It pretty much […]

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I Forgot - The TRUTH About Motherhood 2015/03/13 - 11:01 am

[…] I didn’t cry. […]

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Does Advanced Maternal Age Really Mean You're Too Old to Give Birth? - The TRUTH About Motherhood 2015/04/15 - 10:38 am

[…] to be exact. I’d heard all the horror stories of all the things that could go wrong. In the end, it didn’t work out the way we had hoped but if it could have, I was absolutely ready to have another baby because even though my eggs […]

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Grief is a Tricky B*tch 2015/05/07 - 1:03 pm

[…] days, I push it down. I try to forget to pretend that something’s not missing. I’ve stopped crying. And then other days, like today, I hear a song like Both Sides Now and my heart just breaks open […]

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A Life that's Good 2015/06/25 - 9:53 am

[…] bottom line is that life happens and sometimes it’s some really shitty stuff like losing a baby or a parent or watching helplessly as your child or your husband is hospitalized. All you can do is […]

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How Blogging Can Change Your Life 2015/08/05 - 2:04 pm

[…] people who held my fragile heart while I tried my hardest to survive my miscarriage, these are the same women who helped me navigate the toddler years and now the tweens. Women who […]

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That One May when My Face Exploded - The TRUTH About Motherhood 2015/08/12 - 9:45 am

[…] all. Like many of you, I went down the rabbit hole that is May beginning with May 1st, marking the worst day of my life, and filled with non-stop […]

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Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher a Mother's Love 2017/03/03 - 10:15 pm

[…] not necessarily true. The thing is, I had a very small taste of what it might feel like when I lost my third child in pregnancy. Truly, the only thing that kept me going was my living children because they were small and they […]

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Princess Kate, Pregnant, privacy, Prince William,hyperemesis gravidarum 2017/04/03 - 8:21 am

[…] women wait to announce our pregnancies for many reasons, the number one reason being that if something were to go wrong with the pregnancy, we don’t want to have to see all of those sad, disappointed faces pitying us. It’s […]

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How to Survive Your Child's Diagnosis of Leukemia Cancer 2017/04/11 - 10:10 am

[…] losing one of my children. I often say that I don’t know how I would survive it but the truth is, I know exactly how one survives it. I just don’t ever want to have […]

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Gynecological Misadventure of a Millennial -ish Mom 2017/04/25 - 11:42 am

[…] I’m starting again on Thursday.” In my brain, ” oh dear Jesus, I’ve had a miscarriage again.” Holding back tears, saying a rosary in my […]

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I Shouldn't have Looked - The TRUTH About Motherhood 2017/05/01 - 9:29 am

[…] years ago this morning, I broke the news of my miscarriage to you in a blog post, as I was undergoing my D & E. It was the only way that I could process any of it. It was the […]

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The Loss of a Pregnancy and How to Survive Miscarriage 2017/07/08 - 11:54 pm

[…] My story is not unique or special but my loss was life changing for me. In that one moment, my life was altered for eternity. The loss of a pregnancy sounds so simple. The statistics all say that it is common but it doesn’t feel statistically accurate. I can’t imagine how so many women are suffering so stoically, such a deep and profound sorrow. My heart was irreparably damaged and in its place, a gaping wound remains that can never be filled. It’s a kind of primal pain that is indescribable. […]

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Do You think Your Fur Baby is the Same as My Real Baby? - The TRUTH About Motherhood 2017/09/18 - 11:46 am

[…] lives at a time when we had a lot of love to give and a void of where to direct it. In May of 2012, I miscarried our third child. In August of that same year, we lost our beloved 13-year-old Boxer, Saffaron. For the second time […]

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When a Tattoo Makes You Whole Again - The TRUTH About Motherhood 2017/11/24 - 10:15 am

[…] was this life-altering body modification? It is a story, wrapped in a metaphor and held by my heart. They say a picture is worth a thousand […]

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How I Forgot to Remember my Miscarriage and Survived the Guilt 2018/05/09 - 11:18 pm

[…] All I could do was cry. […]

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Mourning Orca Mother Won't Let Go of Dead Baby Calf and I Get It 2018/08/09 - 10:43 am

[…] READ ALSO: ALL I Can do is Cry […]

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When Fibroids put you on the Menopause Spectrum 2018/09/24 - 5:36 pm

[…] all extra like that. We’ve been through a lot together. I’ve howl cried in her office and went straight up looney toons the day of my D & E and refused surgery until they brought an ultrasound machine down to my prep room one last […]

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The Poor Man's D and C and Waiting for Uterine Biopsy Results 2018/09/24 - 5:59 pm

[…] trumps a surprise uterine biopsy? A surprise poor man’s D and C. It’s not the same as a D and C in the hospital under anesthesia. My doctor’s words, not mine. It’s fall and the week before my birthday, so I must be […]

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The Importance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day 2018/10/16 - 12:38 pm

[…] READ ALSO: All I Can Do is Cry […]

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Is The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up Marie Kondo Method for You? 2019/01/07 - 11:02 am

[…] there was the miscarriage, our dog dying and the year of living with our in laws while stuff was in storage. My goal was just […]

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