Author

Deborah Cruz

Miscarriage

The Day My World Stopped: What Could Have Been

by Deborah Cruz 2024/10/15

written by Deborah Cruz

Estimated reading time: 0 minutes

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day so, I want to share my story. I wanted to remember my Declan, who I never got to hold in my arms. I don’t get to celebrate his birthday or his milestones. Instead, I mark time by mourning what could have been on what should have been his due date and on the day we lost him. I know it sounds morbid but these two days are all that I have. I don’t even get to talk about him. I’ll never have a picture of him on my wall or get to hear him call me “mommy.” I was robbed of all of it, even though I desperately wanted him.

I lost my third child on May 1, 2012. That day is seared into my soul and the wound is still as fresh today as it was that morning as we drove to the hospital. I was sitting there in the car with my husband but I felt more alone than I’d ever felt before. That day changed everything for me; not just my perspective of the world but who I was and how I would move throughout that world for the rest of my life. I’m not the same woman I was before that moment I was told that my baby no longer had a heartbeat. It’s not an easy story to tell, but I think it’s important. Maybe you’ve been through something similar, or maybe you know someone who has. Either way, I hope sharing this helps in some small way.

The Day It All Fell Apart

It was a Monday morning. April 30, 2012. Just another day, right? Except it wasn’t. I was 10 weeks and 4 days pregnant, and I had a routine ultrasound appointment to confirm everything was okay because I had some slight spotting. No big deal, I thought. I’d done this before with my other pregnancies. But the moment I saw the tech’s face, I knew. You know that feeling when your heart just… drops? Yeah, that. I wanted to disappear and stop everything.

I didn’t want to hear whatever they were about to say. I knew. She didn’t even have to say the words. But she did anyway. “I’m so sorry, we couldn’t find your baby’s heartbeat.” And just like that, my world imploded.

The Aftermath

You know what’s weird? How the world just… keeps going. There I was, my entire existence shattered into a million pieces, and outside that window, people were still walking their dogs, grabbing coffee, living their lives. It felt so wrong. Nothing felt alright. I didn’t even recognize myself. The grief and sadness were primal.

I remember sitting in my car afterward, just… wailing. I’ve never cried like that before or since. It was this primal, gut-wrenching sound that I didn’t even recognize as my own voice. And then, because life is cruel sometimes, I had to pull myself together to pick up my daughter from preschool. Can you imagine? Pretending everything’s fine when your heart is breaking into pieces? Even speaking was nearly impossible, the lump in my throat was choking me. How was I supposed to survive this?

The Silence That Followed

We hadn’t told anyone about the pregnancy yet. You know how it is – that fear of jinxing it. So when we lost the baby, it felt like this secret engulfing grief. Like I was carrying this enormous weight that no one could see.

I wanted to scream it from the rooftops. I wanted everyone to know that my baby existed, that he mattered, that I loved him fiercely even if I never got to hold him. But instead, I was quiet. Because how do you even begin to explain that kind of loss to someone who hasn’t been through it?

But this was too big to keep from those who mattered; those who loved us and would want to help shoulder the pain. I sent a text to our family and my closest girlfriends and told them the news. I dropped this catastrophic bomb that had just blew up my entire life and asked them not to contact me because talking to anyone, forming words and making sound, was too big an ask for me in this state.

Breathing felt like a privilege that I didn’t deserve. How could I go on living when my child could not? You’ve not known survivors guilt to this magnitude until you’ve had to go on living in a world where your beloved child cannot exist.

The Physical Reality

Let’s talk about something that people often gloss over – the physical aspect of miscarriage. It’s not just emotional pain; it’s physical too. I remember begging my doctor, “Please, get him out of my body.” I know that sounds harsh, but the thought of carrying my baby, knowing he was gone, was more than I could mentally bear. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I was existing in feral and primal mode. I just wanted to disappear from everyone and everything I’d ever known.I felt shame for my body failing my child. I know, rationally, that it wasn’t my fault but when you are desperate for answers to why something so heinous happens, your mind can go to dark places.

The next morning, at 6 AM, May 1, 2012, I was at the hospital for a D&C. It felt so final. Like I was saying goodbye before I ever really got to say hello. My heart was broken wide open and I was hemorrhaging every rational thought that I had ever had. I was so detached and in so much mental anguish that I couldn’t even muster enough care to even ask my husband how he was feeling. I didn’t have the bandwidth to care about anyone; I was just trying to survive the most traumatic event of my life.

The Lingering Pain

Here’s the thing about losing a baby – it doesn’t just go away. Even now, 12 years later, I can feel that lump in my throat when I think about my Declan. That’s what we named him. He existed. He was real. He was loved. He was going to be Declan Wayne, carrying on his father’s name, as is the tradition in his family.

I still get angry sometimes. Why us? It’s not fair, and it’s okay to feel that way. Healing isn’t linear, you know? Some days are easier than others, but that dull ache? It’s always there. My arms are always just a little empty; my heart always holding space for our little boy. Every happiness is tinged with a little sadness because he should be here to celebrate with us. I don’t think there will ever be a day when I don’t feel this loss; this longing for something that’s missing.

Finding Light in the Darkness

I won’t lie to you – this journey is tough. There were days when getting out of bed felt like climbing Everest. But here’s what I’ve learned: we’re stronger than we know. Somehow, we keep going. We bend, but we don’t break.

You know what helps? Talking about it. Sharing our stories. That’s why I’m telling you mine. Because maybe, just maybe, it’ll help someone else feel less alone. And that’s something, isn’t it?

A Message for You

If you’re reading this and you’ve lost a baby, I want you to know something: Your baby mattered. Your grief is real. Your feelings are valid. And you are so, so strong.

It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to laugh and then feel guilty for laughing. All of it is okay. You’re navigating something incredibly difficult, and you’re doing it the best way you know how.

Moving Forward, Not Moving On

People talk about moving on, but I don’t think we ever really do. Instead, we move forward, carrying our babies in our hearts. We find ways to honor them, to keep their memory alive.

For me, writing helps. Sharing my story helps. And on October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I’m lighting a candle. It’s a small thing, but it matters. It’s my way of saying, “You existed. You were loved. You are remembered.” Our Declan, he is at the top of my Dia de Los Muertos ofrenda. This is a sacred place of honor to me and when anyone comes to my house, they see his ultrasound scan. The one I insisted they take that morning before my D&C. The only tangible proof I have that he ever existed to the outside world.

A Final Thought

I know this is heavy stuff. But I’m glad you’re here, reading this. Because it means we’re in this together. We’re part of a club no one wants to join, but here we are. And you know what? We’re going to be okay. Not the same as before, but okay.

So, if you’re struggling, reach out. To me, to a friend, to a support group. Don’t carry this alone. And if you know someone who’s lost a baby, just be there. You don’t need to have the right words. Sometimes, just sitting in silence and acknowledging their pain is enough.

Remember, your story matters. Your baby matters. And you, my friend, you matter too.

Take care of yourself, okay? And know that you’re not alone in this. Not ever.

2024/10/15 0 comments

dia de los muertos ofrenda, day of the dead altar

Latina

How to Create a Day of the Dead Altar Step-by-Step:

by Deborah Cruz 2024/10/11

written by Deborah Cruz

Hey there, fellow memory-keepers and tradition-embracers! Today, we’re diving into something that’s close to my heart: creating a Day of the Dead altar, or as it’s known in Spanish, a Día de los Muertos ofrenda.

Now, I know what you might be thinking: “Isn’t that a bit… morbid?” But trust me, it’s anything but! This beautiful tradition is all about celebrating the lives of those we’ve lost, keeping their memories alive, and maybe even sharing a laugh or two with them from beyond the veil. So, grab a cup of coffee (or a shot of tequila – I won’t judge), and let’s get started on creating an altar that’ll make your ancestors proud!

Why Create a Day of the Dead Altar?

Before we dive into the nitty-gritty, let’s talk about why we’re doing this in the first place. Day of the Dead isn’t about mourning – it’s about celebration! Why else do you think we dress as sugar skulls and Calaveras. You saw my Dia de Los Muertos make-up tutorial, this is serious business. Family is as sacred as it gets in the Mexican culture. It’s a time to remember our loved ones, share stories about them, and keep their spirits alive in our hearts and homes. Plus, it’s a fantastic excuse to eat pan de muerto and drink some good tequila. Win-win, right?

Choosing Who Goes on Your Altar

Now, here’s where it gets personal. Who do you put on your altar? Well, that’s entirely up to you, my friend. In my family, we keep it to immediate family members – parents, grandparents, siblings, and (heaven forbid) children. But hey, if you want to include your great-aunt Mildred who always snuck you candy when your mom wasn’t looking, go for it! There are no hard and fast rules here.

The key is to choose people who were significant in your life. Those who shaped you, loved you, or maybe even drove you a little crazy (in the best way possible). Remember, this is about honoring their memory and the impact they had on your life. So, whether it’s family, friends, or even beloved pets, if they left a pawprint on your heart, they deserve a spot on that altar!

Now, Let’s Get Down to Business: Creating Your Altar Step-by-Step

Step 1: Location, Location, Location!

First things first, we need to choose where to set up our altar. In my house, we use the fireplace hearth. It’s perfect – centrally located, plenty of space, and it gives me an excuse not to clean the chimney for another month.

Pro tip: If you’re using your fireplace like we do, make sure you don’t plan on lighting any fires before November 3rd. Unless, of course, you want to give your ancestors a warm welcome… and possibly burn down your house in the process. Safety first, people!

Step 2: Deck the Halls… I Mean, Altar

Now that we’ve got our spot, it’s time to decorate! This is where you can let your creativity shine. I personally love to use:

Colorful table runners (the brighter, the better!)
Papel picado (those beautiful paper banners)
Flameless candles (because, again, we don’t want to burn the house down)
LED lights (to give it that otherworldly glow)

Feel free to add your own flair! Maybe your abuela loved sunflowers, or your dad was obsessed with the Cowboys. Incorporate those personal touches – that’s what makes your altar unique. I usually add the personal touches on Dia de los Muertos. For an example, there is always pan con leche for my Abuelito Manuel and a Big Mac for my Tio Narcizo.

Step 3: Make a List, Check It Twice

It’s time to channel your inner Santa ( I know I’m mix metaphoring with my holiday vernacular) and make a list. But instead of naughty or nice, we’re listing our beloved departed. Now, I come from a family big enough to populate a small country, so I had to set some boundaries. I stick to the immediate family – from my children (I include my beloved third child, Declan, who I never got to hold but hopefully that section stays empty for a long, long time on yours) up to my grandparents.

For extended family and friends, I have a special “Book of the Dead.” No, it’s not as ominous as it sounds! It’s just a beautiful journal where I write the names of all those other special people we want to remember. This book gets a place of honor on the altar too.

Step 4: Picture This

Next up, it’s time to print some photos. This is where you get to take a trip down memory lane. Grab your Kleenex, this is the part that hits me right in my feels. Choose photos that capture the essence of your loved ones – maybe that picture of Grandpa mid-laugh at a family BBQ, or the one of your college roommate making that ridiculous face she always did.

Now, frames. You’ve got three options here:

Buy in bulk from places like Amazon. Pro: Matching frames. Con: Might break the bank.
Hit up your local Dollar Tree. Pro: Cheap as chips. Con: Might look like you bought them at Dollar Tree.
If you are independently wealthy and money is not an obstacle, you can hit up fancier shops and buy individual frames to match the vibe of those you are honoring on your altar.

Choose your favorites. Personally, I mix and match. It adds character… at least that’s what I tell myself.

Step 5: Arrange and Rearrange

Time to play interior decorator! Arrange those frames on your altar. There’s no right or wrong way to do this, but I like to mix and match my family and my husband’s side. Usually, people put the oldest generation at the top and work their way down. It’s like a family tree, but more… vertical. I, personally, the baby I lost at the top because for me, that is the biggest loss I’ve suffered so far in this life.

As you’re setting up, feel free to add more decorations. Maybe some battery-operated string lights to give it that magical glow, or some marigolds (the official flower of Day of the Dead) to brighten things up. I also add Monarch mariposas ( butterflies). Why?

Butterflies hold a special significance in Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) altars and traditions. Here’s an explanation of their importance:

Symbol of souls: In Mexican folklore and Aztec beliefs, butterflies are often seen as representations of the souls of the departed. They’re believed to embody the spirits of loved ones who have passed away.
Return of spirits: Monarchs in particular are associated with Dia de los Muertos because their annual migration to Mexico coincides with the holiday. This timing has led to the belief that the butterflies carry the souls of the deceased back to the world of the living for this brief reunion.
Transformation and rebirth: Butterflies symbolize transformation due to their life cycle. This connects to the idea of life, death, and rebirth that is central to Dia de los Muertos.
Aztec mythology: In Aztec mythology, the goddess Itzpapalotl was depicted as an obsidian butterfly. This further cements the connection between butterflies and the spiritual realm in Mexican culture.
Decoration: Paper or fabric butterflies are often used to decorate ofrendas (altars) as a way to welcome and represent the spirits of the deceased.
Natural beauty: Butterflies add a touch of natural beauty and color to the altar, complementing the other vibrant decorations typically used.
Freedom of the soul: The ability of butterflies to fly freely is sometimes interpreted as representing the freedom of the soul after death.

When including butterflies on a Dia de los Muertos altar, they’re often placed near photos of the deceased or scattered among the other offerings. They serve as a beautiful and meaningful addition to the altar, reinforcing the connection between the living and the dead during this special time of remembrance and celebration.

Step 6: Add the Finishing Touches

Now for the fun part – personalizing your altar with ofrendas (offerings) for your loved ones. This is where you really get to show how well you knew them. Did Tio Ramon have a sweet tooth? Mine did. Put out his favorite candies. Did GiGi like margaritas? A small bottle of her favorite tequila might be in order (and no, you can’t drink it yourself… at least not until after November 2nd).

Some ideas for ofrendas:

Favorite foods and drinks
Personal items (Dad’s old pipe, Mom’s favorite lipstick)
Candles
Sugar skulls (bonus points if you make them yourself!)
Pan de muerto (because who doesn’t love bread?)

Remember, the more personal, the better. This is about creating a space that would make your loved ones feel at home if they were to pop in for a visit.

The Final Touch: Making It Meaningful

Here’s the thing, creating a Day of the Dead altar isn’t just about following steps or making things look pretty. It’s about creating a space for remembrance, for storytelling, for keeping the spirits of our loved ones alive in our hearts and homes.

As you’re setting up your altar, take time to remember. Tell stories about the people you’re honoring. Laugh about their quirks, cry about how much you miss them, maybe even argue with them a little (hey, old habits die hard). This process isn’t just about honoring the dead – it’s about healing the living.

So, there you have it – your step-by-step guide to creating a Day of the Dead altar that would make your ancestors proud (and maybe a little jealous they didn’t think of it first). Now, I want to see what you create!

Share photos of your altars on social media with the hashtag #MyDayOfTheDeadAltar. Let’s create a virtual community of remembrance, sharing stories and honoring our loved ones together. And hey, if you’re feeling really brave, share a story about one of the people on your altar. Let’s keep their memories alive, one post at a time.

Remember, creating a Day of the Dead altar isn’t about perfection – it’s about love, memory, and maybe a little bit of tequila. So don’t stress if it’s not magazine-worthy. As long as it comes from the heart, you’re doing it right.

Now go forth and create, my fellow memory-keepers. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll feel a little closer to those you’ve lost in the process. After all, isn’t that what Día de los Muertos is all about?

Until next time, keep those memories alive and those candles (flameless, of course) burning!

2024/10/11 0 comments

October 7th massacre, Israeli hostages, American hostages

Things that matter

348 Days Since the October 7th Massacre on Israel:

by Deborah Cruz 2024/09/18

written by Deborah Cruz

It’s been 348 days. 348 days of anguish, fear, and heartbreak. 348 days since Hamas terrorists shattered the peace of a beautiful Shabbat morning in Israel, unleashing a wave of brutality that shocked the world. The October 7th massacre remains a raw wound on the psyche of Israel and the Jewish people worldwide, a stark reminder of the fragility of peace and the depths of human cruelty. There are still Israeli hostages in captivity.

On that fateful day, Hamas militants broke through the Gaza-Israel barrier, embarking on a rampage that would leave over 1,200 people dead, mostly civilians, and more than 240 taken hostage.

The scenes that unfolded were reminiscent of the darkest chapters in human history – families torn apart, communities devastated, and lives forever altered. I can’t even begin to fathom what these families and the hostages are going through. The strength and will to keep fighting; to keep waiting and to keep hoping, must be a special kind of hell to those families directly affected. The weight of this atrocity bears heavily on me, it must be soul crushing to those whose family members are being held hostage and used as pawns of negotiation by the terrorist and the Israeli government. This is precious life we are talking about, not inanimate bargaining chips. The hostages have people who love and care for them; who are waiting for them to return home.

Imagine, for a moment, that it was your family.

Your daughter, calling from a music festival, her voice trembling as she whispers that she’s been shot and is hiding in a bomb shelter. The line goes dead, and you’re left with the horrifying knowledge that you may never see her again. Or your elderly parents, peacefully enjoying their retirement in a kibbutz, suddenly ripped from their home and dragged across the border into Gaza. These aren’t just stories – they’re the reality for hundreds of Israeli families who have been living this nightmare for 348 agonizing days.

The brutality of the October 7th attacks cannot be overstated.

Hamas terrorists didn’t just kill – they reveled in their cruelty. They beheaded infants, burned families alive in their homes, and paraded naked, bloodied bodies through the streets of Gaza. The joy they took in the degradation of Jewish lives is a chilling echo of humanity’s darkest moments. It’s a stark reminder that the evil that fueled the Holocaust still exists in our world today.

As we mark this somber milestone, it’s crucial to remember that hostages are still being held by Hamas. According to Israeli information as of September 2024, Hamas holds 66 hostages believed to be alive and 35 bodies. For 348 days, their families have been living in a state of suspended animation, clinging to hope while fearing the worst. Every day is a battle against despair, every night a struggle against nightmares. The world may have moved on to the next headline, but for these families, time stopped on October 7th.

The plight of the hostages is a humanitarian crisis that transcends politics.

These are not bargaining chips or political leverage – they are human beings, with families who love them and futures that have been cruelly interrupted. Children who should be in school, young adults whose lives were just beginning, elderly individuals who deserve peace in their golden years – all are being held in conditions we can scarcely imagine.

As we grapple with the ongoing conflict, it’s important to acknowledge the complexity of the situation. The loss of innocent Palestinian lives in Gaza is a tragedy that cannot be ignored. Every civilian death, whether Israeli or Palestinian, is a loss for humanity. However, we must be clear: Hamas, not the Palestinian people, is the enemy. Hamas’s actions on October 7th and their continued use of human shields in Gaza demonstrate their utter disregard for human life – Palestinian and Israeli alike.

The international community must unite in condemning Hamas and demanding the immediate and unconditional release of all hostages. This is not a matter of politics – it’s a matter of basic human rights and dignity. We cannot allow the world to forget, to become complacent, or to accept this situation as the new normal.

As individuals, we have a responsibility to keep the memory of October 7th alive and to advocate for the hostages’ release. Contact your elected officials, share the stories of the hostages on social media, and participate in rallies and events to show your support. Let the families of the hostages know that they are not alone, that the world has not forgotten their loved ones.

To the families of the hostages:

Your strength and resilience in the face of unimaginable pain is an inspiration to us all. We stand with you, we grieve with you, and we will not rest until your loved ones are brought home.

To the hostages themselves, if by some miracle these words reach you:

The world has not forgotten you. We are fighting for you every day. Stay strong, hold onto hope, and know that you are in our hearts and prayers always.

As we mark 348 days since the October 7th massacre, let us renew our commitment to justice, peace, and the sanctity of human life. Let us work towards a future where such atrocities are unthinkable, where hatred gives way to understanding, and where all people can live in safety and dignity.

We must not lose hope. For the sake of the hostages, for the memory of those lost on October 7th, and for the future of Israelis and all mankind, we must continue to fight for justice, peace, and the triumph of humanity over hatred.

Bring them home. Every single innocent life is precious.

What you can do to help:

Contact your elected officials today. Demand that they prioritize the release of the Israeli hostages and condemn Hamas’s actions. Your voice matters.
Share the stories of the hostages on social media using the hashtags #BringThemHomeNow and #October7Massacre. Keep their names and faces in the public consciousness.
Participate in local rallies and events supporting Israel and the hostages. Show the world that we have not forgotten.
Donate to reputable organizations working to support the families of the hostages and victims of the October 7th attacks.
Educate yourself and others about the ongoing situation. Combat misinformation and promote understanding.

Remember, silence is complicity. Speak up, act now, and be part of the effort to bring the hostages home and prevent such atrocities from ever happening again.

2024/09/18 0 comments

College Mom Life

You Won’t be Across the Hall

by Deborah Cruz 2024/08/14

written by Deborah Cruz

How do I begin to let you go?

In one week, I’ll be taking you to college drop off

But how am I supposed to let you go?

The very thought shatters my heart into a million pieces

It hurts so badly that I cannot breathe

I’m sobbing so hard at the thought of not being able to just look over and see your smile

How am I supposed to drive away knowing everything will change

And nothing will ever be the same

If it were up to me, I’d never let you I go

I know that sounds selfish but that’s a mothers heart

But I will and I’ll hold in my tears and let you go when all I want to do is hold on tighter

Every “last“ chips away at my armor

How am I supposed to survive this letting go?

You were the first person I gave my heart completely to and you’ve held it tightly in your litttle hands since the first moment they laid you on my chest

Who am I without you?

I can’t imagine a day without seeing your face

You are the greatest love story of my life

Truth be told, I don’t want you to go but that’s nothing I’d ever say out loud

I love you more than words can convey

I’m hopelessly sad for myself but I’m so excited for every new first you get to experience

Your dreams are bigger than this town and your life is bigger than this house

It feels like doing anything that doesn’t include giving you my full attention, is a waste of precious moments

I just walked across the hallway to see your sleeping face one last time before you leave me

I’m not sure my heart was made for missing you

How will I survive knowing you’re not just across the hallway?

A mothers love is an unbreakable tether, no matter how far you go, we’ll always be connected

But both of us know, this will change everything

We’ll never be who we are today

You won’t be across the hall….

2024/08/14 0 comments

Health

TRIGGER WARNING

by Deborah Cruz 2024/07/23

written by Deborah Cruz

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

Last Wednesday, I went in for my routine mammogram and annual visit to my gynecologist. These exams have become a box to check off, since my hysterectomy. In fact, I know many women who get a hysterectomy and think they’re done. They think they’re safe. I thought I had passed the days of gynecological surprises. I thought the days of impromptu biopsies, year long periods, in office D & Es and miscarriages were over. However, last Thursday, I was informed that my mammogram warranted a call back and further testing.

“We found asymmetry in the tissue of your right breast.”

That’s all that I heard. I’ve never wanted to rewind time and unhear anything so much in my life since 2012. I’m in shock, I’m sad, I’m mad but mostly, I’m scared. I don’t usually do “scared”. I’ve spent a lifetime fighting through and overcoming hard things. I know it sounds selfish and simple but I don’t want to have to do this.

I’ve done research and mostly everything I’ve read says it’s probably nothing but until I get my follow up mammogram and ultrasound, I won’t know. I’m doing that this morning. In fact, this post will go live while I’m getting it done. The Big Guy and our girls insisted on going with me. I told them no but then I remembered being alone and getting that news in 2012 and I accepted their support but then part of me feels guilty because what if it is bad news and I can’t shield them from it? I won’t be able to hide my breakdown. I know my bandwidth, I won’t be able to protect them from the hurt and that is devastating to me.

I’m so scared and I don’t know how to process any of this so I’m writing it all here.

I’m more scared than I’ve been in a long time. The last time I was this scared was when I was spotting while pregnant with my third child. Spotting just like I’d done with both pregnancies before. I went in to see my Ob/Gyn as a formality, just to be sure. I was positive that they’d tell me everything was fine and send me on my way. I went to the appointment alone. Instead, I was told that my baby no longer had a heartbeat. Since then, I take nothing for granted and I know that nothing is guaranteed.

I’m so scared.

I’ve spent the entire weekend experiencing a gamut of emotions.I’ve cried. Sobbed in the shower. I’ve been angry. I’ve been terrified. I’ve slept a lot because being scared is exhausting. I flashed forward and looked backward. I’ve taken an inventory of my life and all the things I’ve done and all the things I still want to do. There is so much more life I want to live.

I’m scared.

I want to comfort my husband and my daughters because they’re scared too ( even though each of them has put on a brave face and told me everything is going to be fine), but I’ve realized something about myself, I can’t give from an emotionally overflowing with fear or sadness cup. When I’m this scared, I shut down out of sheer self-preservation. I can only turn inward to keep my composure. If I think too much or talk about it too much, my thoughts go to dark places and my emotions will run wild. I can’t afford to let that happen right now. I need to stay strong if I need to fight.

I’m scared because the last time I thought everything was going to be alright, everything went all wrong.

There is nothing I can do but follow up and face my truth. I’m praying it’s nothing. I’m praying for it to be benign. But I’m more scared than I can put into words and this fear has me bursting at the seams. I keep telling everyone I love that I’ll be okay but the truth is that I don’t know if I will be. If you are the praying kind, or just someone who knows and loves me, I welcome all of your thoughts and good healing and healthy vibes.

I’m trying my hardest to be strong but I am triggered and terrified in ways that I never imagined.

I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. But I wanted to take this opportunity to encourage you all to please take care of yourselves. Go in for your well-visits. Get your mammograms. Do all the things you need to do to be and stay healthy.

2024/07/23 0 comments

Pets

Keeping Your Home Healthy When You Have Pets

by Deborah Cruz 2024/06/28

written by Deborah Cruz

Estimated reading time: 3 minutes

Our pets fill our homes and hearts with love and laughter. But they can also fill your home with mud, hair and much worse. This is why its so important that, if you have fur babies in your home, you make an extra effort to keep the place tidy and healthy. Here’s how you can do that:

1. Fight the Fur

First things first, pet hair is more than just a fashion accessory you didn’t ask for on all your clothes. It can clog up your home’s air filters and contribute to allergens around the house. If I’m being honest, our French Mastiff, Stella, sheds so much that sometimes, it looks like there are a bunch of little Stellas running around the house. Regular grooming of your pets can reduce the amount of hair and dander floating around, and a good vacuum designed for pet hair is a must-have.

2. Master the Mud

If you have a dog, chances are you’re familiar with the “joy” of unexpected mud parties. Creating a pet cleaning station near your entryway—a simple setup with towels and paw cleaner—can help prevent your pooch from turning your living room into a mud wrestling ring.

3. Tick Talk

Let’s get serious for a second and talk about ticks. These little critters can be more than just a nuisance; they can be a health hazard to your pets and your family, so you need to know how to spot them and how to get rid of ti cks fast. Regularly check your pets for ticks, especially after they’ve been outside. Invest in reliable tick prevention for your pets, and consider treating your yard with a pet-safe pesticide to reduce the tick population. Remember, it’s always a good season to say ‘no’ to ticks!

4. The Great Scent Cover-up

Pets can bring some unique smells into your home, and we don’t mean freshly baked cookies. While regular baths for your pets can help, sometimes you need a little extra firepower. Natural enzyme cleaners are great for breaking down pet smells instead of just masking them. For a quick fix, baking soda is great for sprinkling on carpets before vacuuming to absorb odors.

5. Emergency Clean Kit

Accidents happen—especially when you have pets. Keep an emergency cleaning kit handy that includes paper towels, disinfectant, and odor removal spray. For those times when Fido mistakes your carpet for the grass, you’ll be prepared to act fast and minimize the damage.

6. Purify Your Air

Pets can contribute to less-than-pristine indoor air quality. An air purifier can do wonders to capture pet dander, pollen, and other allergens, making breathing easier for everyone. Plus, it helps keep your home smelling fresh, so you’re not greeted by eau de dog when you walk in the door.

7. Secure Your Trash

Pets are notorious for their treasure-hunting skills, so it goes without saying they can sniff some pretty exciting (to them) stuff in the trash can. So if you don’t want to come home to stinky garbage all over the kitchen floor, secure your cans with tight-fitting lids to keep Fido out.

Maintaining a healthy home with pets is all about staying one step ahead of the fur, odors, and little surprises, but you can do it!

2024/06/28 0 comments

Food Travel

Hit the Road This Summer with These Guilt-Free Grab ‘N Go Snacks!

by Deborah Cruz 2024/06/23

written by Deborah Cruz

Estimated reading time: 3 minutes

Summer is finally here, and that means one thing – road trip season! Whether you’re packing up the family SUV or hitting the highway solo, having the right snacks on hand is key for any great adventure.But let’s be real, when hanger strikes somewhere between Point A and Point B, it’s all too easy to reach for something ultra-processed and loaded with junk. But this mom is diabetic and trying to battle the perimenopause weight gain. This summer, ditch the drive-thru and get ready to snack smarter with these better-for-you munchies that’ll keep everybody happy and hunger at bay. Make sure to hit this road this summer with these guilt free grab ‘n go snacks!

Disclosure: I was provided samples of some of these products for review purposes but all opinions are my own.

Popadelics – The Crispy, Crunchy Mushroom Chip You Didn’t Know You Needed

Looking for a savory, crispy snack but want to skip the greasy potato chip gut bomb? Cue Popadelics – a mind-blowingly delicious mushroom crisp that’s 100% vegan, non-GMO, and way lighter than your average chip.Made with real shiitake mushrooms, these crunchy discs of umami deliciousness come in flavors like Trippin’ Truffle Parm, Twisted Thai Chili, and Rad Rosemary + Salt. They’re so tasty, you’d never guess they’re actually good for you!

Fresh Fruit

For our family, nothing beats fresh fruit. Whether it is orange slices, chilled apples, watermelon drizzled in balsamic or mixed with mint and lemon, we are all about fruit. But if you want a super easy, tasty treat, I’m currently obsessed with fresh red grapes, bathed in lime juice, sprinkled with strawberry jello packet and dusted with sugar ( I know, the sugar is not great but it is so freaking delicious.) Then, put it in the freezer and enjoy in about an hour. They are just as tasty fresh from the cooler on a road trip.

Frooze Balls – The Juicebox Reincarnated as a Chewy, Fruity Treat

Kids and kids-at-heart are going to go bananas for Frooze Balls. Think of them as the grown-up, portable version of your favorite juicebox from childhood – only way better.These apple-based fruit snacks are soft, chewy, and bursting with real fruit flavor in Apple, Strawberry and Orange varieties. They’ve got all the nostalgic goodness you crave, minus the artificial junk. Plus, they’re made with 6 simple ingredients or less!Olyra Foods – Soft, Ancient Grain Breakfast Biscuits for Any Time of Day

While they may be billed as breakfast biscuits, there’s no rule that says you can’t enjoy Olyra Foods’ pillowy-soft baked goods as a snack! Made with nutrient-rich ancient Greek grains and real fruit, these tasty treats are the healthy fig newton of your road trip dreams.Not only are they organic, non-GMO, high in fiber and low in sugar, but Olyra Foods’ biscuits have been crafted from a generations-old family recipe. They are so yummy, even your pickiest toddler or tween will approve.

Ritz Toasted Chips in Sweet Habanero

I am seriously addicted. But they are seriously delicious and bonus, they are toasted not fried. However, don’t mindlessly eat an entire bag like I did one night. You will certainly not feel great after doing so. Just remember, everything in moderation.

The Only Bean – A Crunchy, Protein-Packed Edamame Chip to Satisfy

Edamame just got a serious upgrade with The Only Bean’s crazy-crispy (and crazy-addictive) edamame bean snacks. These light-as-air crispy puffs are bursting with plant-based protein and fiber to keep you fueled.Better yet, The Only Bean’s snacks are gluten-free, vegan, and literally made with just one ingredient – edamame! Go ahead and binge on salty, savory Sea Salt, lip-tingling Sriracha, or both. We don’t judge.

Else Else Nutrition

Else Nutrition just launched the first Plant-Based ready to drink kid’s protein solution that tastes incredibly delicious, like nothing else on the market! Kids love the taste (even picky eaters!) and parents approve of the nutrition-packed benefits. Not going to lie, I LOVE the chocolate shakes myself. It’s also perfect for my CSID teenager. Creating a healthier and happier future starts early in a child’s development. Explore the new whole food kids’ protein drinks truly “shaking up” the industry for the better.

Our favorite guilt free grab ‘n go snacks for our road trips

So, there you have it- a stash of road-ready bites that’ll turn your road trip snack game upside down in the best possible way. From mushroom crisps to fresh fruit to ancient grain soft-bakes and beyond, these munchies prove that eating well on the go is anything but boring.

Pack them for your next adventure and get ready to snack happy from point A to your ultimate summer destination. Your taste buds ( and your road trip partners) will thank you later! What’s your favorite road trip snack?

2024/06/23 0 comments

Home

How To Make Home Maintenance Easier

by Deborah Cruz 2024/06/19

written by Deborah Cruz

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

Let’s be real, nobody likes to be in charge of home maintenance. Sure, I love having a beautifully landscaped yard but I hate getting up every day and having to water, prune, weed and repeat every.single.day. Just like I love a clean house but it is my least favorite thing to do with my time and I am not alone.^.

According to a recent study, 6 8% of moms feel “guilty” that their home is not clean enough. However, between work, caring for your children and trying to maintain a social life (if you mean going to the grocery store, attending school functions and trying to squeeze in a daily walk for exercise… sure, we’ll say moms have social lives) , finding time to dedicate to cleaning can feel near-impossible. Believe me, when I have a free moment to myself the last thing I want to do is work. Can’t a mom just binge her favorite K-pop show in her bed, alone in silence?

Fortunately, you do not have to sacrifice your sleep or put yourself on the path to mom burnout in order to keep your home in a nice condition. Believe me, I’m talking from a place of hard earned wisdom. No chore is worth the panic attack. As long as the kids are fed and loved, your partner’s not completely ignored and everyone is healthy… you, my dear, are winning at life.

With that in mind, here are a few simple steps you can follow to make home maintenance easier!

Don’t let clutter control you. I have ADHD. Piles of clutter ( AKA folded clean laundry that never makes it to the closet) is my state of being. It used to overwhelm me but it’s not worth it. Clutter is likely one of the main reasons why your home feels messy. Clutter can make even the cleanest of rooms appear highly disorganized. Not only that, but studies have shown it can also be bad for your mental health! I told you.

Now is the perfect time to take control of household clutter, as opposed to letting it control you. There are many methods you can try here, from the famous Marie Kondo method to simply getting into the habit of putting things away after you have finished using them. Pro tip: If all else fails, do what I do. ( Shhh, don’t tell my mother-in-law). Move the chaos to rooms visitors don’t see. ( Maybe a spare room on the second floor or a defunct craft room in the basement that no one uses). Then you can get to it ( or not) when you have the time to get it organized. Mine is scheduled for September 2025 ( when both girls will be away at college).

Take preventative action. Another way in which you can make home maintenance as easy as possible is by taking action to prevent common maintenance issues. For example, you can install gutter guards to prevent clogs, blockages or other forms of damage to your gutters. This is such a simple preventative action but most of us don’t think of it until our gutters are overflowing. Believe me, you will be glad that you did.

Draw up a chores chart. Believe it or not, you are not the only person in the household responsible for keeping it in good order, even though it often feels like it. Setting your children age-appropriate chores is a great way to reduce your workload. It is also known to help children become more organized and responsible. In short, it sets “the stage for becoming independent and succ essful.” While ticking their chores off the chart can be rewarding in itself, you may want to offer some other incentives, too! We started this when the girls were in preschool. We started with simple things like picking up and putting away their toys or bringing their dishes to the sink from the table. As teens, they do things like cooking dinner, folding laundry (SCORE) and running errands ( that I’d rather not do like grocery shopping).

If everyone helps out, that will definitely make home maintenance easier

Spend fifteen minutes a day cleaning. As mentioned above, it can often be difficult to make time in your schedule to deep clean your home. After all, it’s estimated that a top-to-bottom clean of a family home can take upwards of six hours to complete. But who says you have to do everything at once? Thanks to ADHD, this mom cleans every room in the whole house at the same time so I never finish. It would be comical if it weren’t actually true. If you’ve got that neuro spicy brain that so many of us do, give yourself some grace. Embrace my new motto, not perfect…done.

If you can, dedicate roughly fifteen to twenty minutes a day to cleaning tasks, whether that be laundry , Windexing the mirrors and windows or vacuuming ( get a Roomba and take that one off your list). This way, you’re working through all of the essential home maintenance tasks without having to stay up late into the night. Providing that you complete tasks on rotation also means that you’re not letting any tasks fall off your radar. But if you need to, no worries, they’ll still be there tomorrow. Unfortunately for us, and contrary to what our families seem to believe, the cleaning fairy does not come at night.

Oh, but if it were true, home maintenance would be a breeze

Pro tip: If everyone that lives in the house jumps in and helps, you can deep clean a 3000 square foot home ( at least the first floor) in just under 2 hours. Remember that mom…work smarter, not harder. No one likes us when we’re tired and grumpy. So, let’s all clean hard for 2 hours on Saturday morning ( after 10 though, people deserve to sleep in) and let’s all be happy. Also, remember to eat and drink your water!

Remember that you don’t live in a show home. While you may feel under pressure to maintain a certain standard of cleanliness within your home, it is important to remember that you live in a family home – not a show home. Things don’t have to remain picture-perfect all the time. What matters is you are managing a safe space for your little ones, your big ones and yourself! Your home should be your sanctuary, not something else to add to your never ending to-do list.

If all else fails, girl, chuck it all in the f*ck it bucket. Let all those worries take a vacation.

2024/06/19 0 comments

The Strangers Chapter 1, A Terrifying Tale of Survival in a Remote Cabin, Froy Gutierrez as “Ryan” and Madelaine Petsch as “Maya” in THE STRANGERS Trilogy, a Lionsgate release.

Entertainment

The Strangers Chapter 1 Review

by Deborah Cruz 2024/06/14

written by Deborah Cruz

Estimated reading time: 3 minutes

Hey there, my fellow horror enthusiasts! Ready to dive into the spine-chilling world of “The Strangers Chapter 1”? If you’re a fan of heart-pounding, edge-of-your-seat horror flicks, then buckle up because this one’s a doozy! Talk about a terrifying tale of survival in a remote cabin. It really might. make you rethink that airbnb in the woods. Also, it’s the perfect summer horror movie to watch with your teens. Just the right amount of creepy.

Picture this: a young couple, played by the talented Madelaine Petsch and Froy Gutierrez, find themselves stranded in the middle of nowhere when their car decides to take a permanent vacation. As if that wasn’t bad enough, they’re forced to seek shelter in a remote cabin that screams, “GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!” But hey, where’s the fun in that?

Disclosure: I was provided a screener of The Strangers Chapter 1 for review purposes but all opinions are my own. Rated R with a runtime of 91 minutes.

Now, I don’t know about you, but if I were in their shoes, I’d be hightailing it out of there faster than a toddler running from bedtime. But our brave (or foolish) protagonists decide to stick it out, unaware of the terrifying night that awaits them.

Enter the three masked strangers, who apparently missed the memo on basic human decency. These creepy intruders have one mission: to terrorize the poor couple with no mercy and seemingly no motive. It’s like they woke up and thought, “Hey, let’s ruin someone’s night for funsies!”

As the night progresses, the couple finds themselves in a desperate fight for survival. They’re forced to confront their deepest fears and make split-second decisions that could mean the difference between life and death. And let me tell you, the suspense is so thick, you could cut it with a knife (but please don’t, because that’s just asking for trouble).

What sets “The Strangers Chapter 1” apart from other horror movies is the sheer unpredictability of the masked assailants. Their motives are unclear, making their actions all the more terrifying. It’s like playing a twisted game of cat and mouse, except the mice are armed with nothing but their wits and a whole lot of adrenaline.

Madelaine Petsch and Froy Gutierrez deliver outstanding performances, bringing depth and authenticity to their characters. You can’t help but root for them as they navigate this nightmarish scenario, and their chemistry on-screen is palpable. It’s the kind of connection that makes you invest in their survival, even as the odds stack up against them.

The remote cabin setting adds an extra layer of isolation and helplessness to the story. It’s the perfect backdrop for a horror movie, with its creaky floorboards, eerie shadows, and a distinct lack of Wi-Fi (because let’s face it, that’s the real horror here). The filmmakers masterfully use the environment to heighten the tension, making you feel like you’re right there with the characters, holding your breath and praying for daylight.

“The Strangers Chapter 1” is just the beginning of what promises to be a thrilling horror series. It sets the stage for more chilling adventures to come, leaving you both satisfied and craving more. It’s the kind of movie that makes you double-check your locks and think twice about venturing into the great outdoors. Talk about a terrifying tale of survival in a remote cabin?

So, if you’re ready for a heart-pounding, adrenaline-fueled ride, then “The Strangers Chapter 1” is the movie for you. Available on PEST / PVOD on June 7, 2024! Thank you Lionsgate for a new horror movie series to look forward to. Just make sure you have a buddy to watch it with, because trust me, you’ll need someone to clutch onto when the jump scares hit. And remember, if your car ever breaks down in a creepy small town, maybe just call an Uber instead of seeking shelter in a remote cabin. Better safe than sorry, right?

2024/06/14 0 comments

Home

Making the Most of a Master Bedroom

by Deborah Cruz 2024/06/13

written by Deborah Cruz

Home renovations are very common in the United States, with homeowners investing time and money to transform their living spaces. We love an underdog story and are all about a fixer-upper. This is why we love a house with “good bones”. According to a report from Architectural Digest, the home improvement industry has seen a surge in activity, Americans spent $363 billion on home improvements, renovations, and repairs in 2020 and $406 billion the following year. This was an 11.8% increase from 2020 and nearly three times the average annual growth of 4.4%. By 2022, homeowners’ spending rose to $472 billion. Motivations behind these projects ranged from needing to upgrade aspects of their home to just simply wanting a change. For me, when making the most of my master bedroom, top of the list of wants is luxurious furniture and decor on a budget. I have great style but with teenagers, tuitions and all that entails sometimes my finances and style are out of sync.

When it comes to home renovations, the master bedroom often takes center stage. As a sanctuary for relaxation and rejuvenation, this space needs to exude luxury and comfort. While many may assume that achieving a high-end look in the master bedroom requires a hefty budget, plenty of affordable solutions can elevate your room’s aesthetic without breaking the bank.

Here are a few decor and furnishing tips to consider:

Incorporate antique furniture

Antique furniture pieces can instantly elevate the look and feel of a master bedroom for less. A trend report highlighted by Real Simple states that vintage furniture store Kaiyo customers have saved over $50 million on top furniture lines compared to buying brand new. Aside from being a wallet-friendly option, vintage dealer Steven Brown says antique furniture is also more durable and made with better craftsmanship than mass-produced pieces. For those looking to infuse their bedrooms with a touch of elegance, visit thrift stores and estate sales or scour online marketplaces. Hunt for pieces like antique dressers, bedside tables, or a vanity that can add character and sophistication to your bedroom without the hefty price tag.

Upgrade your bed

One of the simplest ways to achieve an elegant bedroom is by upgrading to a larger bed size, as they effortlessly evoke a luxurious feel. Additionally, large California king beds are a surefire way to enhance your sleep, providing ample space even if you co-sleep with your kids. In fact, I’m not sure we would have survived the little kid years without a California King sized bed. It allowed for all the togetherness without the discomfort. While it may be a bit more expensive than smaller sizes, the benefits of improved sleep and enhanced bedroom aesthetics are well worth the cost. To create a more opulent atmosphere for a fraction of the cost, consider the California king bedroom sets that are labeled under “outlet” or “clearance” on Living Spaces. There, you can find options like the Willow Creek Cali king set for nearly half the average price of $2000 for a new Cali king bed frame. This set also has a matching dresser and nightstand, which means even more savings.

Don’t leave the walls blank

If you’re working with a bedroom that’s on the smaller side, maximizing wall space is essential. As discussed in our post How to Maximize Space In A Small Home, there are a few ways you can do this. For instance, you can install a tall bookcase that reach the ceiling or try a living wall planter. Alternatively, you can adorn your bedroom walls with framed artwork to add depth and visual interest. Good art can easily be very expensive. Luckily, you can find affordable art made by small artists at flea markets or on sites like Etsy. Interior design experts recommend going for large-scale pieces that complement your room’s color scheme for a polished, high-end look.

Opt for luxe curtains

When creating a luxurious ambiance, pay attention to the importance of curtains. Decorators advise against synthetic fabrics such as polyester and viscose, which can cheapen a room. Instead, Housing.com suggests hanging curtains made of flowy cotton or linen. These are well-suited for both traditional and modern bedrooms. Plus, they’re pretty low-maintenance and can be machine-washed rather than professionally cleaned, which MoneyPantry estimates can cost upwards of $189. Cotton drapes can be layered over blackout curtains, so you don’t have to choose between style and privacy.

Making the most of a master bedroom and transforming it into a luxurious retreat doesn’t have to break the bank. By incorporating these budget-friendly strategies, you can achieve an expensive look without spending a fortune. You can have luxurious furniture and decor on a budget. With creativity and thoughtful planning, your master bedroom can become a sanctuary of style and comfort, offering a peaceful haven to unwind amidst the demands of daily life.

2024/06/13 0 comments

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