loss, miscarriage, stream of consciousness, pain, pregnancy

Stream of Consciousness ~Lingering in Loss

by Deborah Cruz

loss, miscarriage, stream of consciousness, pain, pregnancy

Loss~ Sometimes it crashes over me like a giant wave; swallowing me up and drowning me.

I am all alone with this secret sadness.

Everyone thinks I’ve forgotten & that I’ve gotten over my miscarriage.

My pregnancy that I never got to share with the people I love.

My baby who I never got to welcome into the world; into our family.

Life carries on but I can’t forget. It’s always right here with me.

It’s in my heart and bubbles to the surface and almost chokes me on certain occasions.

When I see a pregnant woman who is about as far along in her pregnancy as I should be; my heart silently breaks.

I am not bitter. I am envious that she does not know the pain of loss.

I would not wish the loss of a pregnancy or a child on my worst enemy.

I am sad for my baby that I will never know. I feel cheated.

I am pissed that this happened to me.

I long for what I should be experiencing too.

No one hears me. When I lie awake at night unable to sleep & one of my daughters comes into get me, I lie there looking at my 2 beautiful babies and I yearn for something I’ll never know, someone I’ll never meet: my baby.

The little life that lived inside me for only 10 weeks, who I loved more than words can ever convey.

Loss is not fair.

Why did this happen to me?

Everyone gets to move on with their life but I can’t. I’m stuck in my loss being swallowed whole and I don’t think I’ll ever break free.

I feel like everyone has forgotten; no one remembers or cares to remember the little life that almost was but my heart breaks and yearns daily to feel my baby in my arms and at my bosom. I never will.

I try to carry on & be strong because that’s my nature. I’m not the victim who sits around and lets life happen to her.

Though my miscarriage immobilized me completely for a month.

Loss has crippled me emotionally.

I pack my pain up in a tiny box & push it way, way down.

I try not to drone on or linger too long. No one likes a Debi Downer but I’m down, down in the pits of hell alone.

Not every day or constantly but the pain of loss lingers just beneath the surface; haunting me from within.

Crying into my pillow in the middle of the night. Screaming, yelling hating the pain, wishing I didn’t know this pain so intimately.

I don’t know how people carry on normally after their loss.

I don’t know how or when life feels normal again. When does my heart stop aching?

When can I stop pretending to be okay and actually be okay?

There will always be a hole in my arms where my baby should be.

There will always be a part of our family missing in my heart.

I will never be the same.

I will never be okay.

My loss is my constant companion.

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16 comments

Abigail 2012/07/22 - 4:04 pm

You are not alone.

I have not forgotten.

I don’t know where you are in your faith, but God has not forgotten you. He is caring for your sweet baby until you will meet him when God and says it’s time.

The pain will always be there, but it will subside in time. You will never forget though others will. But it is your job as mother to help others not forget. For ten weeks, you had that little heart physically. For eternity, you will have that little heart spiritually.

You are beautifully and wonderfully made. And my heart aches to see you still suffering silently.

Reply
Deborah Cruz 2012/07/22 - 11:44 pm

Abigail, your sweet friendship means so much to me. Your kind words and words of spirituality they comfort me. I don’t feel like I did in this post all the time. Most of the time, I feel fine. A little numb but almost normal. THen something happens, for example the first of the month ( the anniversary of the D&E) and I am a mess. And this episode came on after spending the day watching the Colorado shooting news. I think it just brought back the vulnerability of life to me. It reminded me of what I lost. It opened my wound; just when I thought the scab was beginning to heal. Thank you so much for genuinely caring about my feelings. XOXO

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mrs.d 2012/07/24 - 6:33 pm

Although each of us, even the ones of us who have suffered a loss, are different – I could have penned many of the words you wrote.
I miscarried the day after my second anniversary, 2 years and almost five months ago. I had just realized I was pregnant, about 5-6 weeks along. The pregnancy was a complete surprise (as was the miscarriage).
To be honest, I think about that baby often. The baby I didn’t get a chance to hold and watch grow. Around my would-have-been due date, I’m always sad – thinking about the baby who this year would be turning two, wondering if it was a boy or girl, wondering what he or she would be like. Very few people know about the baby – I told only a handful of the people who I was closest to – mostly so I could be free to feel however I wanted without any judgment.
These days, I’m doing much better – though I think a part of me will always be missing – even when we start having more children. That baby will always be my ‘first’ and will never be forgotten.
Don’t feel pressured to be ‘ok.’ And remember, your baby won’t be forgotten.

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Jessica 2012/07/24 - 8:40 pm

Deb I have not forgotten and I wish I could tell you that the pain will go away but it won’t. What will happen though is that it will dull enough for you to keep moving forward and over time you will recognized the pain as a reminder that that baby was here and no matter who remembers, you were the closest and even though it will be hard it somehow becomes comforting that you are the one still remembering on the days no one else is. Lots of love and hugs to you.

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KalleyC 2012/07/26 - 7:36 pm

To be honest with you Deb, the pain never really goes away. August 1st will the anniversary of my miscarriage, and I can tell you it’s as vivid to me as it was when it was happening.

What I can tell you (as Jessica has said), is that the pain is not as strong. You’ll still have it, but it will dull a bit and you will be able to try to move on into a “normal” life.

I’m still trying to define what “normal” is for myself, since it doesn’t seem normal to have experienced a loss.

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Katie 2012/08/09 - 11:19 am

Thank you for these beautiful words, I recently suffered a miscarraige at 4 months along with what would have been my husbands and mines first child, it happened 7 weeks ago, but I feel as it just happened to me today. I pray for the courage and strength that you and others have shown, hopefully I too will be able to move on in time, it’s just too hard right now

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