Loss~ Sometimes it crashes over me like a giant wave; swallowing me up and drowning me.
I am all alone with this secret sadness.
Everyone thinks I’ve forgotten & that I’ve gotten over my miscarriage.
My pregnancy that I never got to share with the people I love.
My baby who I never got to welcome into the world; into our family.
Life carries on but I can’t forget. It’s always right here with me.
It’s in my heart and bubbles to the surface and almost chokes me on certain occasions.
When I see a pregnant woman who is about as far along in her pregnancy as I should be; my heart silently breaks.
I am not bitter. I am envious that she does not know the pain of loss.
I would not wish the loss of a pregnancy or a child on my worst enemy.
I am sad for my baby that I will never know. I feel cheated.
I am pissed that this happened to me.
I long for what I should be experiencing too.
No one hears me. When I lie awake at night unable to sleep & one of my daughters comes into get me, I lie there looking at my 2 beautiful babies and I yearn for something I’ll never know, someone I’ll never meet: my baby.
The little life that lived inside me for only 10 weeks, who I loved more than words can ever convey.
Why did this happen to me?
Everyone gets to move on with their life but I can’t. I’m stuck in my loss being swallowed whole and I don’t think I’ll ever break free.
I feel like everyone has forgotten; no one remembers or cares to remember the little life that almost was but my heart breaks and yearns daily to feel my baby in my arms and at my bosom. I never will.
I try to carry on & be strong because that’s my nature. I’m not the victim who sits around and lets life happen to her.
Though my miscarriage immobilized me completely for a month.
I pack my pain up in a tiny box & push it way, way down.
I try not to drone on or linger too long. No one likes a Debi Downer but I’m down, down in the pits of hell alone.
Not every day or constantly but the pain of loss lingers just beneath the surface; haunting me from within.
Crying into my pillow in the middle of the night. Screaming, yelling hating the pain, wishing I didn’t know this pain so intimately.
I don’t know how or when life feels normal again. When does my heart stop aching?
When can I stop pretending to be okay and actually be okay?
There will always be a hole in my arms where my baby should be.
There will always be a part of our family missing in my heart.
I will never be the same.
I will never be okay.
My loss is my constant companion.