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stream of consciousness

loss, miscarriage, stream of consciousness, pain, pregnancy

loss, miscarriage, stream of consciousness, pain, pregnancy

Loss~ Sometimes it crashes over me like a giant wave; swallowing me up and drowning me.

I am all alone with this secret sadness.

Everyone thinks I’ve forgotten & that I’ve gotten over my miscarriage.

My pregnancy that I never got to share with the people I love.

My baby who I never got to welcome into the world; into our family.

Life carries on but I can’t forget. It’s always right here with me.

It’s in my heart and bubbles to the surface and almost chokes me on certain occasions.

When I see a pregnant woman who is about as far along in her pregnancy as I should be; my heart silently breaks.

I am not bitter. I am envious that she does not know the pain of loss.

I would not wish the loss of a pregnancy or a child on my worst enemy.

I am sad for my baby that I will never know. I feel cheated.

I am pissed that this happened to me.

I long for what I should be experiencing too.

No one hears me. When I lie awake at night unable to sleep & one of my daughters comes into get me, I lie there looking at my 2 beautiful babies and I yearn for something I’ll never know, someone I’ll never meet: my baby.

The little life that lived inside me for only 10 weeks, who I loved more than words can ever convey.

Loss is not fair.

Why did this happen to me?

Everyone gets to move on with their life but I can’t. I’m stuck in my loss being swallowed whole and I don’t think I’ll ever break free.

I feel like everyone has forgotten; no one remembers or cares to remember the little life that almost was but my heart breaks and yearns daily to feel my baby in my arms and at my bosom. I never will.

I try to carry on & be strong because that’s my nature. I’m not the victim who sits around and lets life happen to her.

Though my miscarriage immobilized me completely for a month.

Loss has crippled me emotionally.

I pack my pain up in a tiny box & push it way, way down.

I try not to drone on or linger too long. No one likes a Debi Downer but I’m down, down in the pits of hell alone.

Not every day or constantly but the pain of loss lingers just beneath the surface; haunting me from within.

Crying into my pillow in the middle of the night. Screaming, yelling hating the pain, wishing I didn’t know this pain so intimately.

I don’t know how people carry on normally after their loss.

I don’t know how or when life feels normal again. When does my heart stop aching?

When can I stop pretending to be okay and actually be okay?

There will always be a hole in my arms where my baby should be.

There will always be a part of our family missing in my heart.

I will never be the same.

I will never be okay.

My loss is my constant companion.


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