miscarriage, loss, pregnancy, I forgot, fertility, motherlode, babble.com, babble, amy klein

I Forgot to Remember

by Deborah Cruz

I Forgot

It was a crazy busy day last Tuesday.

I was flying across the country.

Headed to a conference for this blog.

Excited to see old friends.

Trepidatious for a reason I couldn’t quite place.

I Forgot.

6 years ago on that day.

All I could do was cry.

I lost my baby.

There was no heartbeat.

I turned primal and feral.

But today, I forgot.

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Every day, I think of that day.

Every moment, I know something is missing.

There is no closure but I have made peace with the pain.

It took 6 years to not wince at the thought of it.

But today, I was busy with minutia and there was no marking of time.

I Forgot.

The lady next to me on the plane had a beautiful little boy.

He climbed into my lap and held my face.

I was moved.

His little arms and legs, that smile.

I’ve missed it.

READ ALSO: Missing that New Baby Smell

But on the plane, I Forgot.

I arrived and met my friends.

I was weary and distracted,

Discombobulated and put out.

Disconnected and distant.

I was there but I wasn’t.

That’s when I realized that maybe I hadn’t remembered to cry

but my heart did not forget and it never will.

Have you ever forgotten an important day in your life and if you have, how did you deal with that?

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2 comments

Shelley 2018/05/11 - 5:41 pm

I am so sorry for your loss. This past year I forgot the day of my dads funeral.. I usualy call my mom that day but it totally slipped my mind. My mom understood and told me that it’s not the specific day that mattered — it was that he still remained in our hearts. That helped me let go of the guilt

Reply
Joleen Pete 2018/05/11 - 8:08 pm

I’m sorry. I too have lost babies and it is hard. We all have those days where we forget and then way too many days where we remember and it hurts too much.

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