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pregnancy

the test

the test

 The Test

I drove the long trip home with the test, it seemed like hours; it was only 20 minutes. Next to me, on the passenger side of the car, sat a tiny plastic bag that held a small pink box, that held the key to my future. I felt slightly nauseous and filled with trepidation, exhausted and scared. This wasn’t what I had planned. This would be a life changing surprise but one that I think I knew the answer to before it was even asked. He knew the answer. He had a feeling. I think I knew, I was just afraid to say it out loud. If I say it out loud, it will be real. I drive in my denial of silence a bit longer but this is all speculation. This tiny little box with a tiny little test could change my life forever.

My mouth was dry, it was impossible to swallow.The car was so quiet I could hear the road meeting the tires and the wind as it hit the car. I could hear the line in my forehead furrowing as I drove in deep thought. I could barely remember to breathe. I drove in solitude, completely alone. Just me. Inside my head. Alone. Well, maybe not completely alone but that was the million dollar question that the stick in the tiny little pink box was going to answer. I could hear the blood rushing to my head at a dizzying rate. I inhaled deeply. I was driving but I wasn’t seeing anything. I was on autopilot. I was exhilarated. I was terrified. This must be what it feels like when you get everything you ever wanted and didn’t realize it.

The Test

Breathe, Debi. This may not have been planned exactly but you can’t really be shocked. After all, you are a grown woman. You know how the works. You’ve had the talk…decades ago. Breathe! You may be surprised but you know how and when this happened. You made a choice. You both did.

I pull into the driveway and, as if in slow motion, I make my way into the house alone. I walk to the bathroom, remove the tiny stick from the pink box and follow the instructions. I hold my breath and I wait for my life to change and then I  took three more tests, just to be sure. The first test that truly changed my life was the positive pregnancy test with my first daughter. How did you feel the first time you took a pregnancy test?

The Test

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unexpected pregnancy, unexpected pregnancy at 40, pregnancy, advanced maternal age, getting pregnant at 40

What would you do if you found yourself with an unexpected pregnancy at 40?

I’m not talking about the run of the mill “planning to plan” unexpected pregnancy or we were “not using birth control but thought we were careful” surprise pregnancy. I am talking about the “I was 13-years-old having my first sexual encounter” unexpected pregnancy or the “I’m 40 and thought we were done having babies” unplanned pregnancy of the “oh shit” variety. The life-changing, game changer unexpected pregnancy.

The choice of what to do next.

Unplanned Pregnancy at 40 can bring with it a little shock and awe

My friend just found out that she is unexpectedly pregnant. This will be her third child. Her other two children are tweens. This baby was not planned. They thought they were completely passed the diaper changing, middle of the night feeding stage.Yet, here they are smack dab in the middle of an unexpected pregnancy; shocked, confused and scared.

READ ALSO: Every Child Is A Choice

She and I have talked about this a lot. The Big Guy and I have gone back and forth over the years pondering 2.5 children. We have been blessed with two amazing, healthy wonderful daughters but even though the prospect of a third ( trying for the elusive boy baby) sounded good, it was nothing either of us would actually pull the trigger on, so to speak.

Now, our girls are 4 and 7 and it feels like the time has passed and the window of opportunity is closed. I’m 39, just like my girlfriend. At this point, a baby would be starting all over.

An unexpected pregnancy still results in a baby

Initially, when she told me I was shocked, quite frankly, because it was such an unexpected pregnancy but I was excited because ..it’s a baby! Then the more I thought about it and the more we talked, I was scared for her. Getting pregnant in your 20’s or 30’s is not the same as getting pregnant at 40 unexpectedly.

There are things to consider like genetic disorders for the baby, higher health risks for the mother and how old the parents will be when the child is growing up. The looks and questions that will come with having a child after 40? Strangers asking if you are his/her Grandma? Things I had never considered in my scenario.

READ ALSO: Missing that New Baby Smell when Pregnancy is not an Option

You have to consider your long-term financial outlook and you have to consider that perhaps, you or your husband, are not willing or wanting to be a parent to a third child; not willing to go backward in your parenting journey. You are suddenly faced with a decision of whether or not you should move forward with the pregnancy.

You are not the same person you were in your 20’s and 30’s and your body is not what it was in your 20’s and 30’s. Is it selfish to logically weigh all of your options? When you are in your 20’s and 30’s the threat of a genetic disorder is a far off, probably not going to happen, when you are 40 the stats are something like 1/100 that your baby will have Downs Syndrome.

READ ALSO: My Unexpected Pregnancy at 39 and what I did

I know people will reference Kelle Hampton and Nella. Or what a gift Nella is and what an amazing mother Kelle is but not everyone can emotionally or financially afford a baby with a genetic disorder. What would you do? How could you choose? And worse, what if the choice were taken out of your hands by your body failing you and terminating the pregnancy?

My friend has decided to go forward with her surprise pregnancy and embrace it as her final baby. But it’s raised a lot of questions in my mind, what would I do if I were faced with an unexpected pregnancy? Have you ever been faced with a surprise pregnancy? What did you or would you do if you found yourself with an unexpected pregnancy at 13 or 40? Would abortion ever cross your mind?

Could your unexpected pregnancy be a blessing?

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Terry England, Georgia, COmparing women to pigs and cows

Terry England, Georgia, COmparing women to pigs and cows

Terry England; You, Sir, are no friend of the female race.I read Lawmaker Compares Women to Farm Animals To Defend His Abortion Stance on the Curvy Girl Guide last week. This post was the straw that broke the camels pig’s back for the women’s rights issue, for me. What the hell is going on in our country?

Terry England,You are a Beast

This is the jist of the post:

On March 5th, on the Georgia House floor, State Representative, Terry England, commented on a bill that would require women to carry stillborn fetuses to term or until the time their bodies “pass” the fetus on their own. What this means is, if your baby dies inside of you, however far along in development, it would be illegal to have any type of medical procedure (such as a D&C) to remove the contents of your uterus.

In effect, Terry England is saying, Hey lady, you got pregnant. Not my fault you are inept at carrying your baby to term. NOT.MY.PROBLEM. Deal with it! When God says it’s time to pass, it will naturally. If you die? Well, you are only a woman after all.

Terry England Compares women to Pigs

Oh but it gets worse, so much worse….

In a debate over Georgia House Bill 954, which would ban abortions after 20 weeks even if the baby is not expected to live, England recalled the time he had spent with livestock.

“Life gives us many experiences,” he explained. “I’ve had the experience of delivering calves, dead and alive — delivering pigs, dead and alive. … It breaks our hearts to see those animals not make it.” – Raw Story, David Edwards

Did you hear that? My fucking head just exploded!He thinks he’s an obstetrician because he’s delivered livestock. He just compared an expectant human mother to a cow and a pig.

How is that the lawmakers, who are mostly men and have no vagina or uterus, can make these laws regarding women’s reproductive rights and birth control? They don’t know what it’s like to be suddenly faced with an unexpected pregnancy, or forced to consider an abortion due to a medical anomolie. Men have no idea what a transvaginal untrasound feels like to a woman and a man can never know what it feels like to carry a baby in your womb. A man can certainly NEVER understand the pain and mental anguish it is to lose a child and then be forced to carry your stillborn baby in your womb until it passes naturally.

Terry England the difference between women and livestock is that we are not put on this world solely to provide for a man. We are actually people too. We have thoughts and feelings. I am so disgusted with Terry England and so many other politicians who have made it their plight to suppress women’s rights. We are now going backwards. Women are being treated like property. We are being stripped of our fundamental right to the control over our own body. We are being invaded by man. What next, will they pass a law here in the United States that female born babies should just be drowned at birth?

I think the Terry England’s of the world are failing to realize that without any women, the species would die out. Man can not procreate alone.Though, I am sure there is some scientist under contract to one of these good old boy politicians working on just this type of thing, as we speak. I’m sure if some of these politicians had it their way, we women would be nothing more than glorified indentured servants with vaginas. Perhaps, they will take to putting us in shackles and cutting our tongues out so that we can’t speak?

Women of the world, we need to unite. This is your call to action. We need to fight back against this type of legislation; this type of world. This is not the world that I want to raise my daughters in. We need to change the direction that this country is going in regards to women’s rights. We need to get more women into government so we at least have a fair chance. What would Susan B. Anthony do? You can bet that she would be all up in legislation, fighting for your rights to reproduce…or not. She’d fight the Terry England’s of the world, tooth and nail.

What do you think of Terry England and his comparison of women to livestock?

terry england, women's rights, reproductive rights

Terry England, I would call you the pig but that’s a terrible insult to the animal

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New Baby Smell ~ Kryptonite for the Mommy soul. Oh yes, I’ve got baby on the brain big time. I know I have pledged myself to the Just Say No to babies campaign. I have willfully closed for business. I have made the decision to close the doors on the baby factory. No more producing grade-A human beings. I know this. I am pretty excited that my girls are of the age where they sleep for more than 4 hours at a time ( usually), that there are no more diapers and ass wiping ( well, most of the time). I don’t particularly miss being spit up on or not understanding what my children are saying. But then something happens, like the birth of my brand spanking new nephew all enveloped in that new baby smell. You know what I mean; it’s like apples, fresh air and pure freaking love. Then you look at that face that melts your heart and short circuits your brain. This is when trouble happens.

New Baby, newborn, Newborn Baby

New Baby=Kryptonite

Then, the ovaries began to twitch – the brain to ditch and suddenly the hinges( of my uterus) started to unhitch. I think there are many of us Mommies who reside somewhere between Baby gotta have it land and Hell no,we won’t go there again newborn city (like New Jack City but not quite so violent). We stay there in a procreation purgatory until one of two things happens 1) we convince our husbands to get a vasectomy or 2) we go through menopause, either way, the inbetween time is dangerous. All it takes is one look at a smiling mug like this one below and we are doomed. One minute (ok 5 minutes) of unprotected wild abandonment and BOOM there we are in a full on shit storm of the delivery kind.

new baby, newborn, newborn baby

Dear Lord, this kind of cuteness should certainly be outlawed. My brain goes all fuzzy and the next thing you know I’m doing things that I promised myself I’d never do again like birthing a 15 inch human head without an epidural ( a la Alien), losing control of my bodily functions, and a menagerie of other things that nobody, not even your mama, tells you about pregnancy.

New Baby, newborn, newborn baby

New Baby Smell is clouding my Judgement

new baby, newborn, newborn baby

My baby +New Baby = Kryptonite of Epic Proportions.

Uterus is full on convulsing.For the love of God can someone please get me outta here before I do something stupid like have unprotected ovulatory sex. Yeah, that’s right, I said it. I know my body like a fine tuned machine and I know two weeks to the day of the start of shark week, fertility lurks. Must resist moments of weakness and smell of fresh out of the oven new baby. And damn it if my sister isn’t the picture of new mommy glow. I thought that was a myth! No fair. I most certainly did not glow. I looked like I had been run over by a Mack truck. Note to self: New baby smell comes with new baby and New baby is hard work ( even if he is so cute that you want to kiss his face off). Have you ever felt conflicted as to if you should have another baby? What do you do to stop the twitching ovaries and throbbing uterus? Or was new baby the new no baby? What tipped the scales in favor of new baby?

new baby, newborn, newborn baby

New Baby Kryptonite Never Looked so Good

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Ugly Babies, ugly, baby, ugly in the cradle, pretty at the table

Let’s talk about the old saying, “ugly babies in the cradle, pretty at the table.” I had never heard of it and quite frankly, took great offence at the thought of an adult calling a baby ugly. Are there such things as ugly babies?

Have you ever heard this crazy saying?

As most of you know, I am walking around in a new baby (nephew) induced fog. I am seeing the world with new eyes and loving on my own daughters harder and stronger than I did a couple days ago because of my reminder of the preciousness of childhood. The moment my beautiful nephew entered the world, all I could think was how very blessed we all our to have our babies children in our lives.

From the moment I saw my daughters’ faces, they were the most beautiful baby, no human, I had ever seen. They still are. They will always be.

I am their mother and their birth was the culmination of a whole lot of love. Their very existence is a constant reminder of how very blessed I am in this life. It was like looking upon the sun. It was joyous and humbling. With each birth, I was metamorphisized into a better person (even if it doesn’t feel like it on most days).

I thought every mother felt this way when she saw her baby for the first time. I naively thought that every mother thought her baby was the most beautiful baby in the world because to her it is the most beautiful baby in the world. I never imagined someone would call their own baby ugly.

Ugly Babies, ugly, baby, ugly in the cradle, pretty at the table

Ugly Babies don’t exist

This morning as I’m driving my girls to school, we are listening to the radio and the deejays are talking about a phrase used by parents “Ugly in the cradle, Pretty at the table” apparently this is something that parents say to console their children who they have told are ugly.WTF? Why would you ever tell anyone they are ugly, little lone your child?

READ ALSO: One in Ten Babies is Born this Way

Newsflash, people have mirrors they already know they are ugly. Kids know if they are not as cute as the kid next to them, but to their parents, they should be the cutest freaking thing in the world. It’s in the parent handbook. Didn’t they get it when they got that stupid ass free plastic diaper bag from the hospital?

Don’t tell your kids they are ugly. Don’t think your kids are ugly. And for the love of God, if you do think they are ugly (besides something being fundamentally wrong with you in the head) where do you think they got those damn ugly genes from?

Ugly Babies are A Myth

Look, I am living in the real world and I have perfect 20/20 vision so I do realize that some babies are cuter than others when they are born. Let’s be honest, most newborns look like one of two things; a little old man or a fuzzy ball sack. But we love them and to the parents who produced them, those babies are the most beautiful babies in the world.

By the way, how good do any of us look after taking a transatlantic flight or participating in fight club? Let’s be real, that’s pretty much what being born is like. How good did any of us look after giving birth and we were on the outside?

Ugly Babies

Precious

 There are No Ugly Babies

I don’t know who came up with such a ridiculous saying as “Ugly babies in the cradle, pretty at the table” but I bet they were ugly on the inside and certainly need to be flogged. Stop using it!

Remember, next time you are thinking about saying how ugly a baby is, those ugly babies are somebody’s everything that is beautiful and good in the world. If you are a parent who has called your baby ugly, please email me a photo because I need to see what level of ugly it takes to make a parent call their own baby ugly.

READ ALSO: Does Advanced Maternal Age Really Mean You’re Too Old to Give Birth?

Please stop telling your babies they are ugly. They will look human in a couple of months. Now put your standard issued Mommy thinks you’re perfect glasses back on NOW!

Have you ever thought your child was ugly? Come on, you can tell me. I won’t tell anyone. We’ve all thought there are ugly babies out there, but usually not our own. I mean come on, we’ve all got an ugly cry. They don’t call it that because it’s pretty. I bet even Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie look pretty gruesome when they ugly cry.

I’m a realist, I am not opposed to the fact that there are ugly babies in the world. I am however opposed to the fact that there are parents out there who are stupid enough to not only think it but to say it out loud, to their little ugly babies. Just remember, there are no ugly babies just adults who should have thought before they spoke.

Do you think there is such a thing as ugly babies?

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baby

Baby Watch 2012 ~Today is one of the most important days of my life, other than getting married and having my own children, my baby sister is having her first baby and I couldn’t be more excited. She texted me this morning around 4 AM to say she was in the hospital. I know that she’s been nervous, especially since she reads my blog, but she is over the moon excited. As I type this post, she’s 10 cm dilated and the scrubs have been issued.  This baby will be born as I write this post. Her life will be changed forever.

Baby, pregnancy, childbirth, labor,motherhood, family,sister

Baby Watch 2012

My sister is one of my best friends and to be mothers together has been a long time dream of ours. We had dreams of our children growing up together, playing together and being as close as siblings. Life gets hectic, as life always does, and we may not get to see one another as much as we might like to or talk daily as we once promised one another but still, she is in my heart and I am in hers. This is what sisters do. This is how I feel about both of my sisters.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it ~ee cummings

So today while my sister was 3 hours away giving birth, I sat in my house waiting out a blizzard that had placed itself right smack between us, texting back and forth with her incessantly and wishing I was there but knowing I was not. It stung not to be there. I reminded her to breathe and to not get too stressed. I metaphorically held her hand and literally told her how to push. She consulted me about when to get the epidural and I explained in great detail and brutal honesty the escalating degrees of contractions and intricacies of labor/delivery. She got her epidural at 6 cm dilated and avoided any begging for death induced contractions as well as any stalling of labor. I was texted a photo of her partner in his scrubs and then it went silent. No texting, no phone call..just silence on my end and my mind went wild. I was so afraid that something went awry. And then I received this… and oh baby, all was right with the world.

Behold, the baby

baby

The Most Beautiful Baby Born Today

Congratulations to my beautiful sister, Bertha, Brian and the absolutely most gorgeous little boy in the world. Love you all so much and wish I was there tonight. Titi Debi can’t wait to hold you in my arms and kiss those cheeks off, baby.

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Birth, Pregnancy,labor,dleivery, birth

Birth and pregnancy happen, especially when you least expect it. It seems that it is universally applicable that trying too hard at anything puts too much pressure on ourselves and we end up with performance anxiety. This is why on my first pregnancy, I conceived while still in the “planing to plan to have a baby stage”. There was no pressure, we were just sexing it up and having a good time…maybe too good of a time. When I found out that I was pregnant, I was ecstatic. I had waited for this moment since I had gotten married, maybe since my husband proposed. There is just something so liberating about intentionally making a baby ( *or planning to plan to have a baby) with the man that you love, aside from all the baby making, birth control free nookie.  And I don’t just mean the fact that I took it as a license to eat carbs without guilt for 10 months. Heck to the yeah, I could finally eat and exhale! I was overjoyed, to say the least. Do you know how awesome it is to NOT worry that someone is going to mistake your baby doll dress and burrito belly for a baby bump? It was glorious!

Oh Sh*t, Pregnancy!

Then I made the mistake of reading all of those nightmare inducing, statistic laced pregnancy books. All the good times I had planned for gave way to worry and anxiety. Thank God, I hadn’t tried to educate myself before conceiving or I would have been scared to death, maybe even chalked up the whole idea. I’m pretty squeamish about pain, blood and body fluids and let’s face it..that’s all giving birth is aside from the miracle it all results in. Before getting pregnant, no one told me about gestational diabetes, the disfigurement of stretch marks, outtie belly buttons, linea negrias, noses spreading, feet growing, acne, bacne and spider veins. Nobody told me that the “glow” was code for ugly, exhausted and fat. Worse, nobody told me about what happens when you give birth. NOBODY told me how excruciatingly painful it would be. No one gave me a heads up that there was NO modesty or dignity in giving birth. My friends never told me that transition labor would feel like a cracked out, ninja ghoulie was trying to chew it’s way out of my lower abdomen. Nobody told me that trying to birth a baby would take as long as a transatlantic flight. NO.BODY.TOLD.ME!! Not even my Mama! Why?Why did no one tell me????

Pregnancy, Nobody Told Me

I had no idea that I’d be put into a gown that couldn’t possibly cover my protruding belly without completely exposing my pasty white derriere complete with assne. No one told me that I’d have 27 doctors, nurses and passersby sticking there hand in my woohoo to check “how far along” I was. I wasn’t told that I’d be bored out of my brain, watching Jerry Springer, when I’d be struck mute by pain and only be able to whisper the words, “Oh Sh*t” and “Oh God” alternately and on repeat. Most importantly, NO ONE told me that I might have a bowel movement on the birthing table.  Between you and me, that’s a deal breaker. I would have opted for a surrogate or adopted a little brown baby from Mexico (then maybe I would have had a chance that the baby would look like it was actually related to me).

But no one tells you these things. To be clear, I intentionally starved myself for the two days before I was induced. When the time came, I gave it my all. I got 25 stitches for my trouble and a gorgeous baby girl. My husband assures me that I did not poop on the birthing table and the only thing I pushed into the world that afternoon was our firstborn. Did he tell me the truth? Or was he trying to restore some of the dignity I had lost from the hourly dipstick checks? I’ll probably never really know. I’m just hoping in the throes of a heated discussion I never hear “ Oh yeah, well you did sh*t on the birthing table! It was real and it was spectacular!” For now, I choose to believe in a world where there are unicorns, fairies and no one poops the table while giving birth. If there’s a next time, I may just be done with it and have Indian food the night before induction. I say go big or go home. Sh*t happens!

During Pregnancy, Sh*t Most Certainly Happens!

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Operation;WOmb Transplant,uterus,uterine transplant,pregnancy,transplants,donor,women,risks,wombs,babies,research,health,surgery,donors,organ,hysterectomy,surgeons,fetus

 

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uterus transplant,Operation;WOmb Transplant,uterus,uterine transplant,pregnancy,transplants,donor,women,risks,wombs,babies,research,health,surgery,donors,organ,hysterectomy,surgeons,fetus

Photo Corbis

Uterus Transplant~A Womb with A Previous View

Scientific research has come a long way baby. In a recent article in Discovery News, we are made aware of the newest advances in modern medicine. We all know that it is possible to transplant a large range of life-saving organs and I am all for that but what are your thoughts on transplanting a uterus? Is it medically imperative or vanity?

Believe me, I can understand the desire and compulsion to procreate and to bear your own child. But a uterine transplant could be potentially dangerous to the donor and the recipient. A uterus transplant would involve a large organ that undergoes extreme changes throughout pregnancy. Is it a feasible option for women who desperately want a pregnancy but don’t have health on their side?

Is a Uterus Transplant~A Womb with A Previous View worth the risks?

In Britain, the theory may soon be tested. A mother, Eva Ottosson,56, says she wishes to give her organ to her daughter,Sara Ottosson,25, who lives with a condition called Mayer-Rokitansky-Küster-Hauser syndrome that causes women to have an underdeveloped or absent vagina and uterus. Sara was born without a uterus. The condition does not usually limit egg production, but makes pregnancy difficult. In theory, successful womb transplants would allow women with these sorts  reproductive hurdles to become pregnant.

The mother and daughter hope to be candidates for the procedure under the direction of a Swedish team of researchers next year, potentially allowing Ottosson’s daughter to carry a baby in the same womb she developed in as a fetus. I find this kind of bizarre. I don’t know if it’s because the uterine transplant would be coming from her mother or the fact that she would be growing her fetus in the uterus she was grown in that skeeves me more. I mean, it should be a beautiful gift from a mother to a daughter, right?

Successfully transplanting a uterus has not been done in human beings yet.Hemorrhaging is a major concern because of the large number of blood vessels involved in attaching the uterus to surrounding tissue of the recipient woman. Scientists have however successfully transplanted wombs in different animal, but there are still many hurdles standing in the way of making the procedure viable in humans.It was tried in 2000, but the donor uterus had to be removed because the recipient’s body stopped providing blood to the new organ after 99 days, hardly long enough to gestate a human fetus. Can you imagine having the uterine transplant, finally getting pregnant only to have the organ start failing three months into the pregnancy.That would be absolutely devastating.

If the recipient’s body views the organ as foreign, it could result in a dangerous immune responses of the body trying to expel the uterus. The organ would need to be seen by the rest of the body as part of the recipient body in order to work properly. Otherwise, the woman who receives the organ might not menstruate normally or their bodies may not allow fertilized eggs to implant on the uterine walls. Leaving a woman who had a small chance of pregnancy to having a zero chance of pregnancy. Even if the transplant works, the recipient would have to take imunosuppressant drugs for the rest of their life. And for now, the entire procedure is a theory. Doctors warn that anyone participating in the trial stages of this procedure should not logically expect to benefit from an actual full term pregnancy until the procedure is perfected. Are the risks worth eliminating all chance?

What do you think? Would you risk an emergency hysterectomy if the body rejects the organ transplant for a small chance that it might work? Or is conceiving and carrying your own baby worth risking everything? Would love to hear your thoughts and know what you would do in this situation.

The Ottosson’s are expected to undergo the transplant in spring 2012. But Sara is being practical, if the transplant is unsuccessful she is planning to adopt.

Uterus Transplant~A Womb with A Previous View

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things no one tells you about pregnancy, what being pregnant is really like, first pregnancy,

There are books a million about what you are supposed to do while pregnant. But there is so much information that is withheld from all of the books. It’s like a really cruel game and we all just like to watch the new person learn as they go. But not me, I’ll tell you what your mama won’t. Whether it’s your first pregnancy or your sixth, each one is different after all,  this is what pregnancy is really like.

 These are the top ten things no one tells you about pregnancy.

  • Pregnant women; your smelling powers will become so heightened that you will be able to smell a cookie baking 30 miles away. Unfortunately, no one ever tells you that you will also be able to smell food burning in a wok in China, body odor from a homeless man laying out in the sun wearing his winter parka on a 100 degree day,your husband’s dirty socks downstairs and dog shit from the humane society on the other side of town.
  • Mama; your morning sickness will actually be all day sickness; culminating in an all-out, earth-shattering, mind breaking alternating marathon of explosive diarrhea and projectile vomiting brought on by whatever may have happened to blow your direction that day. The White Castle burger that you had to have yesterday can quickly become the catalyst for a simultaneous mass exodus of the bodily fluid kind. Thank God nothing like this happens on the birthing table.

READ ALSO: Sh*t happens during Pregnancy

  • Mom; your skin will become so dry from hormones that your feet will itch to the point that you will literally rip flesh to quench the itch. That no amount of hydration, moisturizing or wishful thinking and praying will EVER bring your feet back from the grasp of the dry Sahara hell that is the new status quo of your feet.
  • Mommy; The Linea Nigra is actually a landing strip so your husband can find his way back into the pregnant promised land, because, let’s face it, there comes a time in pregnancy where those “vivid” dreams and our own devices are all we are left with. A little point in the right direction never hurt anybody.
  • Mother; your once beautiful and pert bosoms, will be replaced with overindulged, filled to capacity milk bags with what looks like a road map made of bulging blue veins. And that your sweet little pinky tip, glass cutting nipples will be replaced with flat saucers that look like a bulls-eye..and will NEVER revert back to their previous glory ( without the help of surgery).

READ ALSO: What Giving Birth Feels Like

  • Mum; your labia will become so engorged with blood, that when you give birth your nether regions will look like Goldie Hawn’s over injected collagen fish mouth in the First Wive’s Club.
  • Mami; the same outrageous hormonal highs and lows that make you smack a random passerby for looking at your baby bump will be the very same that make you cry when a fly lands on your shoulder.
  • Momma; you may have flatulence of the skunk killing kind. So horribly pungent and uncontrollable that you may get yourself barred from any women’s functions that you previously belonged to. The Junior League does not appreciate those sorts of donations.

READ ALSO: Stages of Second Baby Syndrome

  • Ma; your pregnancy glow is actually increased blood flow causing you to sweat like a fat whore in church. And that the increased hormones that cause the glow also bring with it increased susceptibility to acne (of the face, back & ass variety), increased cervical fluid ( the kind that could cause an unsuspecting pregnant woman to slip right off her stool if she weren’t wearing her appropriated parachute pregnancy panties), hair growth in unsuspecting parts ( bearded lady , anyone?), and constipation ( talk about insult to injury)
  • Mumsy; all the meticulous and copious amounts of time that you have spent over the years “landscaping” probably the very source of your pregnancy will become, at 9 months pregnant, nonexistent. That which once resembled the topiary of the Tuileries will no be more akin to an abandoned outhouse. And we all say that we are going to make our husbands shave us…and none of us actually ever do.

There are more, many more, but I feel I have scared the first time mothers sufficiently for now. Happy procreating and remember, there is a 98% chance that you will vomit and or poop on the birthing table.

What would you add to this list of things no one tells you about pregnancy?

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Sometimes,in those fleeting quiet moments, where coherent thought still exists in the recesses of my mind, I think about the meaning of life. I know it surprises me when it happens too. Usually, I’m trying my damnest just to keep babies alive and thriving without traumatizing them in any way that is so awful as to trigger a major mental breakdown in the future. Because, just so you know, I totally hold my parents accountable for my years of therapy..my therapist agreed with me,so there is that. But in those almost extinct moments of quiet, I ask myself some of the big questions of life. One that crept up on my unusually peaceful drive home this morning in the rain was “Why are there no miracles anymore?” I mean, there are everyday miracles like the sun shining or gravity or a mother’s blind love for her child. But what about the real BIG miracles? What happened to seas parting? People walking on water? Water into wine?

Then it hit me, right over top of the head…babies. Babies are a miracle.  I don’t mean in the they are such a blessing in my life sort of way. I don’t even mean the we tried for 7 years before we got pregnant sort of way. Though in there own respects,they could certainly be considered miracles. No, what I’m talking about is the fact that the goo that was left behind on Ms.Lewinski’s dress meets an egg in a moment of uncontainable passion and , in that moment, something that so closely resembles snot turns into Daddy juice and is on it’s way to having a heart beat and breathing, walking around, smiling, and living in the world. I mean think about it, really think about it. It’s really quite profound, the whole process. It’s like creating something grand from absolutely nothing.It is my very own water into wine. There is so many miracles involved with babies, aside from creating them; growing them, sustaining, the way they make our hearts grow, our minds expand, our lives richer. See what happens when it rains and I have a minute of quiet time? I see the little miracles in my own life. How did I not see this before?

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Miracles #1 & #2

 

What are our ever day miracles? Do you believe in miracles? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this discussion. Maybe it’s the rain, or spring and all the new life all around but I am seeing little miracles every where. Go enjoy the little miracles in your life.[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

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