Shit Happens during Pregnancy and Birth

Birth and pregnancy happen, especially when you least expect it. It seems that it is universally applicable that trying too hard at anything puts too much pressure on ourselves and we end up with performance anxiety. This is why on my first pregnancy, I conceived while still in the “planing to plan to have a baby stage”. There was no pressure, we were just sexing it up and having a good time…maybe too good of a time. When I found out that I was pregnant, I was ecstatic. I had waited for this moment since I had gotten married, maybe since my husband proposed. There is just something so liberating about intentionally making a baby ( *or planning to plan to have a baby) with the man that you love, aside from all the baby making, birth control free nookie.  And I don’t just mean the fact that I took it as a license to eat carbs without guilt for 10 months. Heck to the yeah, I could finally eat and exhale! I was overjoyed, to say the least. Do you know how awesome it is to NOT worry that someone is going to mistake your baby doll dress and burrito belly for a baby bump? It was glorious!

Oh Sh*t, Pregnancy!

Then I made the mistake of reading all of those nightmare inducing, statistic laced pregnancy books. All the good times I had planned for gave way to worry and anxiety. Thank God, I hadn’t tried to educate myself before conceiving or I would have been scared to death, maybe even chalked up the whole idea. I’m pretty squeamish about pain, blood and body fluids and let’s face it..that’s all giving birth is aside from the miracle it all results in. Before getting pregnant, no one told me about gestational diabetes, the disfigurement of stretch marks, outtie belly buttons, linea negrias, noses spreading, feet growing, acne, bacne and spider veins. Nobody told me that the “glow” was code for ugly, exhausted and fat. Worse, nobody told me about what happens when you give birth. NOBODY told me how excruciatingly painful it would be. No one gave me a heads up that there was NO modesty or dignity in giving birth. My friends never told me that transition labor would feel like a cracked out, ninja ghoulie was trying to chew it’s way out of my lower abdomen. Nobody told me that trying to birth a baby would take as long as a transatlantic flight. NO.BODY.TOLD.ME!! Not even my Mama! Why?Why did no one tell me????

Pregnancy, Nobody Told Me

I had no idea that I’d be put into a gown that couldn’t possibly cover my protruding belly without completely exposing my pasty white derriere complete with assne. No one told me that I’d have 27 doctors, nurses and passersby sticking there hand in my woohoo to check “how far along” I was. I wasn’t told that I’d be bored out of my brain, watching Jerry Springer, when I’d be struck mute by pain and only be able to whisper the words, “Oh Sh*t” and “Oh God” alternately and on repeat. Most importantly, NO ONE told me that I might have a bowel movement on the birthing table.  Between you and me, that’s a deal breaker. I would have opted for a surrogate or adopted a little brown baby from Mexico (then maybe I would have had a chance that the baby would look like it was actually related to me).

But no one tells you these things. To be clear, I intentionally starved myself for the two days before I was induced. When the time came, I gave it my all. I got 25 stitches for my trouble and a gorgeous baby girl. My husband assures me that I did not poop on the birthing table and the only thing I pushed into the world that afternoon was our firstborn. Did he tell me the truth? Or was he trying to restore some of the dignity I had lost from the hourly dipstick checks? I’ll probably never really know. I’m just hoping in the throes of a heated discussion I never hear “ Oh yeah, well you did sh*t on the birthing table! It was real and it was spectacular!” For now, I choose to believe in a world where there are unicorns, fairies and no one poops the table while giving birth. If there’s a next time, I may just be done with it and have Indian food the night before induction. I say go big or go home. Sh*t happens!

During Pregnancy, Sh*t Most Certainly Happens!

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Comments (34)

Ha ha! No kidding. I think if they taught sex ed in school like it REALLY is, there’s be a lot fewer pregnant teens.

Amen to that!!! if someone would have printed this and given it to me, had I not thought they were trying to punk me, I would have been scared straight:)LOL

This made me laugh so SO hard.
Props for the beautiful girl… surviving the stitches… AND the “not pooping”!
Nobody EVER tells you… its how we get more people in the Mommy Club. It’s like a secret handshake. We don’t talk about it until you’re already “in”.

yey for making you laugh. I love making people smile!!Yes, what is that handshake again? I thought it was a bitch slap and a ass shake?NO? I’ve been doing it wrong all these years!LOL

I will so be shitting soon. Prepares us for a life filled with handling, looking at, and talking about shit.

Oh and a world full of awesome sauce. Yes, I just really said that( watch out for unicorns and rainbows flying outta my ass). The shit part is just to humble us enough to appreciate the miracle. I am so happy for you and your miracle. I can;t wait to see pictures. I feel like I’ve been waiting to “meet” this little guy forever!

Yup, sh*t does happen. I was hoping that mother would at least tell me the truth, but she kept her mouth shut about the while labor and delivery bit. She wanted grandkids that bad. I would have at least walked in there with better expectations.

As for all the doctor’s and nurses checking up on you, I learned to no longer be self conscience. If I can deliver my daughter with tons of people look down my whohaa, then I’m not going to worry about my flabby arms.

You go girl. I know.All my modesty and decorum went right out the window. By the time I had my second one, everybody and their Mama could have been in there. Hell, they could’ve sold tickets. I didn’t care. Now,if I could just NOT CARE about these damn boobs that breastfed two muchkins…but alas, they still drive me crazy!But at least my woohoo and my ass are on the same page:)LOL

Lanae (@Hungrigyrl)

Hilarious post!!! How true is all of this! It’s been a couple years since I had my last baby, and believe it or not I forgot a lot of this. Thanks for the funny reminder. Maybe that’s why no one told you! Over time, you just remember all the good stuff, so they probably forgot!

Likely story:)LOL My sister in law, chuckled when I called her across the country to ask why she hadn’t told me. She remembered…she just wanted me to find out the hard way:)LOL it’s all good. Without all the zombie like apocalyptic happenings of that day…I wouldn’t have my girls or the preparation for assortment of bodily fluids that i still wear to this day:)Happy Mothering!

Oh joy, thanks for the reminders. Lol! Its been 5 yrs since I was last pregnant and I am 7 weeks away from giving birth. I do distinctly remember how gross it was. But I felt worse for my husband who described the birthing room as a crime scene. I had an enima before I delivered in the hopes it would help labour pain. It didn’t but I felt really gd about not pooping in front of my hubby on my baby.
I tried to be honest with my newly preggo girlfriends with the reality of the day bc I was so pissed no one was honest about it! Then I saw the fear creeping into their eyes and sweat start to bead on their foreheads and realized…yah it’s not nice to scare the shit out of them…no pun intended.

Piece of cake! I love the ” fear creeping into their eyes and sweat start to bead on foreheads” look. Same thing happened with my best friend. She called me after birth , “BItch you were telling the truth!”LOL

You are hilarious! I’ve heard stories too about pooping on the birthing table. I think my mother actually did it once. I had all three girls via c-section so no worries about poop for me.

I loved this post. Had me laughing out loud. You always have a way of capturing motherhood moments with your funny words.

That was my biggest fear about birth.You have to realize how restricted I am about any and all bodily functions:)LOL

I am going to have a baby in the next 6-8ish weeks. ANd I had a c-section the first time around, but not sure what will happen this time.

I have heard about enemas, but what happens if you aren’t scheduled and you just go into labor and don’t have time? ack!

i don’t like thinking about these things. oops. too late!

I”m going with unicorns and rainbows and no pooping on tables. Or eff it, go big or go home..Indian food may show them something they;ve never seen here in the states:)LOL

SO true – although I WAS told about the possibility of shitting on the table and it was all I could think about the first time I was in labour. I didn’t want to push too hard *just in case*

Yes, but how does one NOT push hard and STILL expel our little gremlins from our bodies? That would have to be some strength training talent right there:)LOL

I personally know a woman who did poop while giving birth! I felt so bad for her!

But you are so right! Why don’t women tell other women these things? Do they get post partum amnesia?

LOL! THis is my mission to bring the truth to all mothers:)

Oh girl! THIS is why I love you. You totally know how to tell it like it is. Why didn’t I meet your before I had my babies!??? *sigh*

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