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labor

Men Can Experience the Contractions of Labor with the Neuromuscular Electrical Stimulator

I was listening to the radio on the way to drop off this morning and the DJ’s on the Bert Show were talking about two Dutch TV hosts, Dennis Storm and Valerio Zeno who decided to undergo electro-stimulations (they simulate contractions) for their show, “Guinea Pigs.” using a neuromuscular electrical stimulator. That piqued my interest but then they went on to say that they were going to do the same; live streaming on Ustream from their studio, I did what any woman who has experienced transition labor without a damn epidural would do, I raced home to watch. Men can experience the contractions of labor.

Even though it wasn’t as intense as real child labor, I think they got the picture. Growing little people and giving birth is not for the faint of heart. When will men realize that women, even though we are referred to as the weaker sex and may be smaller than men, we are built tough? We make hard decisions because we have to. We sacrifice our lives and ourselves, not because it’s easier for us but because we know it has to be done. We choose to do the right thing not because it’s easy but in spite of how hard it is; like giving birth.

READ ALSO: What giving Birth Feels Like

Men usually have more physical strength than women but we have a mind over matter mentality that is unparalleled. We have a way of seeing our way through to the other side. We have a quiet inner peace that gives us the strength to carry on when most others would quit.

I watched the video and it was funny to see how they reacted to the simulated contractions. But going through an entire 5 minutes of childbirth can never prepare anyone for what giving birth is really like.

READ ALSO: The Day I became a Mother

Giving birth is a full-body experience. It is physical, mental and spiritual. When I gave birth, I was in so much pain that it was all I could do to stay focused on the task at hand. About 5 hours into it, I wanted, with all that I was, to quit the whole thing. The pain was immeasurable. I didn’t have the benefit of my labor originating from a mechanism that I could control. There was no on/off switch and there was certainly no guaranteed 20 second rest period in between contractions and there was no promise that the pain of the contraction would only last 15 seconds. During the transition labor of my first birth, my contractions were so closely staggered that they felt constant.

I, honestly, thought I was going to die. There was no laughing. There was only quiet prayers for the pain to stop by any means possible. Either the baby needed to come out so the pain would stop or I was going to throw myself out of a window. I couldn’t have taken it much longer than I did. After the first one, I was not sure that I would ever have another baby. I was afraid. I was terrified. But I did.

READ ALSO: That One Time I went into Heat at Panda Express

This neuromuscular electrical stimulator is great to perhaps give men a glimpse into what labor contractions feel like but they can not replicate the state of mind that women experience when giving birth. It is a simultaneous end and beginning. The end of who we were and the birth of who we will become. The birth of our own child. There is nothing like the experience in the world and no two experiences are alike, even in the same woman.

birth, labor, contractions

Birth is messy. It is an out of body experience. It transcends space and time and in the end, you know that you did something completely amazing. You brought a miracle to life. You witnessed it’s creation and now you have the privilege of loving that child and raising it to be the change you want to see in the world. It is life-changing. It’s so much deeper than just learning the boundaries of your pain threshold, which is what the neuromuscular electrical stimulator has reduced the experience to.

Would you want your husband to experience the Neuromuscular Electrical Stimulator while you were in labor?

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baby

Baby Watch 2012 ~Today is one of the most important days of my life, other than getting married and having my own children, my baby sister is having her first baby and I couldn’t be more excited. She texted me this morning around 4 AM to say she was in the hospital. I know that she’s been nervous, especially since she reads my blog, but she is over the moon excited. As I type this post, she’s 10 cm dilated and the scrubs have been issued.  This baby will be born as I write this post. Her life will be changed forever.

Baby, pregnancy, childbirth, labor,motherhood, family,sister

Baby Watch 2012

My sister is one of my best friends and to be mothers together has been a long time dream of ours. We had dreams of our children growing up together, playing together and being as close as siblings. Life gets hectic, as life always does, and we may not get to see one another as much as we might like to or talk daily as we once promised one another but still, she is in my heart and I am in hers. This is what sisters do. This is how I feel about both of my sisters.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it ~ee cummings

So today while my sister was 3 hours away giving birth, I sat in my house waiting out a blizzard that had placed itself right smack between us, texting back and forth with her incessantly and wishing I was there but knowing I was not. It stung not to be there. I reminded her to breathe and to not get too stressed. I metaphorically held her hand and literally told her how to push. She consulted me about when to get the epidural and I explained in great detail and brutal honesty the escalating degrees of contractions and intricacies of labor/delivery. She got her epidural at 6 cm dilated and avoided any begging for death induced contractions as well as any stalling of labor. I was texted a photo of her partner in his scrubs and then it went silent. No texting, no phone call..just silence on my end and my mind went wild. I was so afraid that something went awry. And then I received this… and oh baby, all was right with the world.

Behold, the baby

baby

The Most Beautiful Baby Born Today

Congratulations to my beautiful sister, Bertha, Brian and the absolutely most gorgeous little boy in the world. Love you all so much and wish I was there tonight. Titi Debi can’t wait to hold you in my arms and kiss those cheeks off, baby.

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Birth, Pregnancy,labor,dleivery, birth

Birth and pregnancy happen, especially when you least expect it. It seems that it is universally applicable that trying too hard at anything puts too much pressure on ourselves and we end up with performance anxiety. This is why on my first pregnancy, I conceived while still in the “planing to plan to have a baby stage”. There was no pressure, we were just sexing it up and having a good time…maybe too good of a time. When I found out that I was pregnant, I was ecstatic. I had waited for this moment since I had gotten married, maybe since my husband proposed. There is just something so liberating about intentionally making a baby ( *or planning to plan to have a baby) with the man that you love, aside from all the baby making, birth control free nookie.  And I don’t just mean the fact that I took it as a license to eat carbs without guilt for 10 months. Heck to the yeah, I could finally eat and exhale! I was overjoyed, to say the least. Do you know how awesome it is to NOT worry that someone is going to mistake your baby doll dress and burrito belly for a baby bump? It was glorious!

Oh Sh*t, Pregnancy!

Then I made the mistake of reading all of those nightmare inducing, statistic laced pregnancy books. All the good times I had planned for gave way to worry and anxiety. Thank God, I hadn’t tried to educate myself before conceiving or I would have been scared to death, maybe even chalked up the whole idea. I’m pretty squeamish about pain, blood and body fluids and let’s face it..that’s all giving birth is aside from the miracle it all results in. Before getting pregnant, no one told me about gestational diabetes, the disfigurement of stretch marks, outtie belly buttons, linea negrias, noses spreading, feet growing, acne, bacne and spider veins. Nobody told me that the “glow” was code for ugly, exhausted and fat. Worse, nobody told me about what happens when you give birth. NOBODY told me how excruciatingly painful it would be. No one gave me a heads up that there was NO modesty or dignity in giving birth. My friends never told me that transition labor would feel like a cracked out, ninja ghoulie was trying to chew it’s way out of my lower abdomen. Nobody told me that trying to birth a baby would take as long as a transatlantic flight. NO.BODY.TOLD.ME!! Not even my Mama! Why?Why did no one tell me????

Pregnancy, Nobody Told Me

I had no idea that I’d be put into a gown that couldn’t possibly cover my protruding belly without completely exposing my pasty white derriere complete with assne. No one told me that I’d have 27 doctors, nurses and passersby sticking there hand in my woohoo to check “how far along” I was. I wasn’t told that I’d be bored out of my brain, watching Jerry Springer, when I’d be struck mute by pain and only be able to whisper the words, “Oh Sh*t” and “Oh God” alternately and on repeat. Most importantly, NO ONE told me that I might have a bowel movement on the birthing table.  Between you and me, that’s a deal breaker. I would have opted for a surrogate or adopted a little brown baby from Mexico (then maybe I would have had a chance that the baby would look like it was actually related to me).

But no one tells you these things. To be clear, I intentionally starved myself for the two days before I was induced. When the time came, I gave it my all. I got 25 stitches for my trouble and a gorgeous baby girl. My husband assures me that I did not poop on the birthing table and the only thing I pushed into the world that afternoon was our firstborn. Did he tell me the truth? Or was he trying to restore some of the dignity I had lost from the hourly dipstick checks? I’ll probably never really know. I’m just hoping in the throes of a heated discussion I never hear “ Oh yeah, well you did sh*t on the birthing table! It was real and it was spectacular!” For now, I choose to believe in a world where there are unicorns, fairies and no one poops the table while giving birth. If there’s a next time, I may just be done with it and have Indian food the night before induction. I say go big or go home. Sh*t happens!

During Pregnancy, Sh*t Most Certainly Happens!

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This is a few of my posts from way back when I first started this blog. I had NO followers, well, except for the BIG GUY..that man will do anything to make me smile.That’s why I love him. I love those first post and I KNOW my regular readers will be sad if they missed  them. So I am sharing them here! Hope you enjoy them. Please let me know which is your favorite.Happy Mothering!

The Truth about Motherhood

There’s a club, more exclusive than the Junior League, the country club, or any other social/philanthropic women’s club, it’s called the Mommy Brigade also known as the bliss/insanity that is Motherhood. Ok, yes, there are many, many women in this club, from all countries and walks of life but do you know of any other club where the initiation rite is producing a human being? Seriously, that’s a little steep. And it’s a forever club, once you join, you’re a lifer and believe me it’s more stringent than any other club I belong to, you are continuously scrutinized; what you wear, what they wear, how you speak, what classes you take, and the lists goes on forever. Other women never tell you the truth about motherhood. Or should I say, other Mommies never tell you the truth about motherhood. Not any of it is revealed, not pregnancy, not birth, or motherhood. This is the truth that your Mothers, sisters, and girlfriends never told you! This is the beginning, so if you are ready for the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, as it happens to me, stay tuned!

Remembering the bliss of birth

All anyone ever tells you about birth is “It’s such a blessing” (which it is) and you forget about the pain of childbirth as soon as you hold your beautiful newborn baby in your arms (which I hate to be the bearer of bad news, is a complete (Did I mention complete and absolute, bold faced lie). Unless an anvil fell on your head, immediately after giving birth, while holding your newborn and by some miracle missed your child, knocked you unconscious leaving you with amnesia…you will never forget the pain of childbirth. It is an indescribable, unforgettable, and unbearable pain…who could forget that, so why don’t we warn our sisters, friends, and other beloved women in our lives? I’ll tell you why, it wouldn’t change a thing. The pain would still be ‘that’ pain, and all it would do is make our girlfriends stress out and hurt even worse, besides if you dare to be different and actually go against the code and tell someone the truth, well, they won’t believe you anyways. I told my best friend that while waiting for the anesthesiologist, I told my husband if he didn’t find the damn doctor with the needle then I was going to jump out the large picture window that was in my hospital room. He knew I was serious. She thought I was kidding, speaking metaphorically to demonstrate the point, but I was serious. Dead serious! Not until she was in the throes of her own delightful birth did she recollect my words and realize damn, she was telling the truth!!! The scary, horrible, painful truth. Now, I had asked my sister in law (who had 4 children at the time, with no epidural) about the pain of childbirth and I never got a straight answer.Just the typical, you’ll forget about the pain once you hold your baby in your arms and look down into those beautiful eyes. After, I went through the lovely ordeal of childbirth; I called her and asked her “why didn’t you warn me?” Her answer to me was this, “it wouldn’t have changed anything and it would have freaked you out. Once you’re pregnant, it’s too late to change your mind because of a little pain (Little?) Besides, you never would have believed me!!!”And you know, we were on the phone (states apart) but I swear I heard laughter in her voice. You know that, I just pulled a joke on somebody laugh. I’m telling you, this club, it really does enjoy watching its provisional’s squirm. I was punked! But she was/is right; I would have thought she was crazy, a wimp, a liar, perhaps all of the above but I never would have believed and certainly could not have comprehended what child birth felt like.

Labor, What’s the story morning glory?

They say they call it labor, because it’s a lot of hard work ( which is beyond my comprehension, still how it can take 10-30 hours for a baby to move from your uterus out into the world; after all, it’s not a transatlantic flight). Well, if we’re calling it what it is; let’s call it a near death experience! That’s the truth. Thank God we women are so easily distracted by our new shiny object (said newborn), cause if it weren’t for that we’d sure be holding a lot of grudges. Not that I’m bitter about birth, but damn they could have pulled out all of my teeth, all of my hair, and my fingernails and I wouldn’t have noticed because the pain of bringing my dear, sweet glorious angels into this world, was all encompassing.

Resume our regularly scheduled programming: What was Eve thinking?

Now, if I’ve scared you to death that was not my intention. For those of you who have been through this already, you’re laughing because it’s true (and believe me you, misery enjoys company) and if you’ve not been through it yet; you’re either laughing hysterically thinking, this lady and her metaphors are hilarious, or you are heeding my warning and doubling up on the birth control. Either way, I speak the truth. So, let’s get started. Nothing in life is free; yes, our mothers told us this. And when speaking of being a woman, well, all I can say is damn that Eve. Let’s see we get our periods, which means we can get pregnant (theoretically). So there is that. Of course, if we’re young or single the chances are greater because it’s not enough that we are blessed with hemorrhaging single every month of our adult life, we must be on constant alert and taught a lesson. So, if you don’t want to get pregnant and you are young or single, be extra cautious because you are in the highest risk category of those first blessed with pregnancy. Don’t know why, but you are. Now, if you are a married woman, in your mid 20’s or 30’s, with the closest thing to sufficient income trying to get pregnant, now it’s a little more difficult. How badly do you really want it? Because, sometimes it’s easy with a little careful charting and planning (isn’t that sexy?) but other times you have to work for it… hormones, invetro, etc. Why, you ask yourself? Let’s ask Eve, that bitch. And then the older you get, the easier it would be for you to take care of a child, the more you might want it, the harder it becomes. There is, however, a group in there (who I hope you all fall into) that has a wonderful, loving marriage and after celebrating their fifth year anniversary decide that it is time to bring a child into the family. They go on a nice, sexy vacation somewhere; have a little drink, do a little dance, get down tonight and wham, bam! 10 months later a baby changes everything, but you planned for it (well, the best you can plan for such things in life). That’s the fairy tale, it’s the dream we all had right after we planned our weddings, when we were twelve. SO, here we are 18 years and a master’s degree later. Now, we all know that in our hearts this pre
gnancy/motherhood gig is what puts us over the top. We rule. We forever are on a pedestal for giving our husbands their beloved children (they cannot do that by themselves).They can do a lot of shit, but without us there would be no propagation of the species and there is no substitution for what we can do! It turbo launches us into sainthood. But it’s a slippery slope because; the same is not guaranteed for those poor unfortunate (I only say unfortunate because you never know how the guy’s going to react in that situation) girls who get pregnant on accident. Then you run the risk of some jackass taking away your glory and treating you like you owe him, for sticking him with a baby. Be careful!

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Here are a few more of my Mommy truisms;

  • Incessant whining can literally cause insanity. I know…I’ve seen it happen!
  • Tantrums are kinda funny, unless they are in public..or its your kid.
  • Spanking children is unacceptable, timeouts are worthless, but threatening that the cops will come works every time in my household.
  • Daddies can change diapers, bathe kids, wipe asses and noses, brush hair and teeth, read books and play with and dress our kids just as well as we can; they just don’t because we  NEVER ask. Relinquish control ladies. You will thank me later!
  • In reference to the previous truism, if Daddy doesn’t perform up to your (probably impossible) standards..Try , try again. If you don’t..that’s what he wants!
  • Grandparents are priceless; live it, love it, learn it!
  • Cheerios, Cheez its, & Goldfish are not acceptable as the norm in your car, your floor , or your bed…it’s nasty. Even if another single adult never gets into your mini van, SUV, Mommy taxi…eventually, you will have to hit a drive thru and some snarky , pimply faced 16 year old will be using you as a cautionary tale. Come on, you don’t want to give them the satisfaction. We already have to live down the whole “MOM Jeans” thing.
  • Even if your kid says “no”, even if you are tired of arguing..brush their hair!You’re the parent and you will be that mom!
  • If you ever want your kids to enjoy religion, please take them to church as children. Learning faith as an adult is so much harder than instilling faith into the heart of a child. It’s like trying to convince an adult that Santa is real!
  • Breastfeeding before your milk comes in, is like spending the day with an insatiable piranha.
  • Labor doesn’t feel like a big cramp (WTF? What crazy drugged out person said this?). It feels a lot more like an angry Ghoulie trying to stab his way out of your lower abdomen with lightening speed and a very dull butcher knife!
  • The ring of fire…well, they don’t relate it to hell because it feels good. It feels like exactly what they call it. I don’t know about you but I don’t want fire anywhere near that region of my body..ever.

Last but not least for tonight,

  • You don’t forget the pain of childbirth…EVER! Those broads that say you do…………………CRAZY LIARS!I found this out the hard way, so I know of which I speak. Happy Mothering!
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Who’s the spin doctor for Motherhood? Seriously, who was it who decided to tell us that when we get pregnant we ‘glow ‘ and ‘ never look more beautiful’ ?Did I really , could I really, have been so naive to believe that harboring a fugitive parasite in my body for 10 months could make me beautiful. Saying it out loud sounds ridiculous.You’d think someone with a 147 IQ would have known better. Let’s be honest , when I was pregnant , I felt nauseaus, bloated , fat, ugly, unlike myself , grouchy, mean, horny , hateful, hungry , tired and like I had to pee a lot. But not once , do I ever remember feeling beautiful or glowing . I guess if they told us the truth the species would die out . I guess it’s not all so bad, I did go back for seconds. Pretty sure I’ve learned my lesson now, though . Happy Mothering, may it be all it’s cracked up to be.

-Truthful Mommy xoxo

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loss of a pregnancy, miscarriage, pregnancy, birth, the first pregnancy

That brings us to the gloriousness of pregnancy. Well, for me, pregnancy was pretty glorious. I only gained 18 lbs. with my pregnancies (of course I started out on the chunky side), mild all day sickness with my first, I had an ass for the 1st time in my life (not so bad), boobs got a little bigger, no hemorrhoids, no excess gas, still loved sex, still slept on my belly, no stretch marks (well, one but it disappeared after birth).No craziness.

I just basked in the glory of my pregnancy. It was amazing and I devoured all the attention, ate whatever I wanted (that was allowed), was completely engulfed in the whole experience. Read every book (with and to my husband), sharing facts like they were going out of style. Rented a Doppler, sang to my fetus, played music to it, talked to it, swayed it to sleep. It was an unexpected bliss like nothing else.

Everything about my pregnancy was amazing.

I took every class, drove a little slower and kept a journal of my pregnancy. No one told me that I should pamper myself, because it was the last time I’d be able to do anything alone, for the rest of my life. No one told me that I would from the day of delivery on I would forevermore be referred to as “mommy”. No one told me that I would lose my own identity and forget where I end and my children begin.

Oh, to go to the toilet without a chaperone trying to eat the toothpaste. Those were the days. But, I wouldn’t trade one moment of toothpaste eating tag to pee alone again, if it meant that I didn’t have my daughters. Alone time is over rated anyways, yeah, just like date nights and spontaneous sex, said the jealous, tired Mommy.

That was my first pregnancy!

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What Does Birth Feel Like?

I remember being pregnant as a first time mom-to-be and obsessing over the age old question of what does birth feel like?  It’s a lot like death, we fear it because we have no freaking idea what it really feels like until we are waist deep in it. I was terrified to find out. I knew that there was NO WAY that a baby the size of a watermelon passing through an opening the size of a grape was going to not feel like I was dying. I asked people. I begged to know what birth would feel like. I never got a straight answer.

All anyone ever told me about birth was “It’s such a blessing” (which it is) and you forget about the pain of childbirth as soon as you hold your beautiful newborn baby in your arms. Hate to be the bearer of bad news first time moms-to-be,but that part is complete bullshit; an absolute, bold faced lie. Unless an anvil fell on your head, immediately after giving birth, while holding your newborn and by some miracle missing your child and knocked you unconscious leaving you with amnesia…you will never forget the pain of childbirth. It is an indescribable, unforgettable, and unbearable pain. Who could forget that?

So when our sisters, friends, and other beloved women in our lives ask us,

What does birth really feel like?”

I’ll tell you why, it wouldn’t change a thing. The pain would still be ‘that’ pain, and all it would do is make our girlfriends freak out and it would still hurt. Besides if you dare to be different and actually go against the code and tell someone the truth of what birth feels like, well, they won’t believe you anyways.

I told my best friend that while waiting for the anesthesiologist to arrive to administer my epidural, I told my husband if he didn’t find the damn doctor “with the needle” then I was going to jump out the large picture window that was in my hospital room. He knew I was serious. She thought I was kidding, speaking metaphorically to demonstrate the point. I assure you, I was serious. Dead serious! Not until she was in the throes of her own delightful birth did she recollect my words and realize that I was telling the truth. At that point, it was too late.The scary, horrible, painful truth about what birth feels like is not something you can explain to someone who has never gone through it. For me, child birth feels like a near death experience.

I asked my sister in law (who had 4 children at the time, with no epidural) what giving birth really felt like and I never got a straight answer.Just the typical, you’ll forget about the pain once you hold your baby in your arms and look down into those beautiful eyes. After, I went through the unforgettable ordeal of childbirth, I called her and asked her “why didn’t you warn me?” Her answer to me was this, “ It wouldn’t have changed anything and it would have freaked you out. Once you’re pregnant, it’s too late to change your mind because of a little pain (Little?) Besides, you never would have believed me!!!” And you know what? We were on the phone (states apart) but I swear, I heard laughter in her voice. You know that, I just punked you laugh.

birth, what does birth really feel like, pregnancy, labor, delivery, giving birth

This club, it really does enjoy watching its provisional’s squirm. She was/is right; I would have thought she was crazy, a wimp, a liar, perhaps all of the above but I never would have believed and certainly could not have comprehended what child birth really felt like.

What did birth feel like to you?

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