This is a few of my posts from way back when I first started this blog. I had NO followers, well, except for the BIG GUY..that man will do anything to make me smile.That’s why I love him. I love those first post and I KNOW my regular readers will be sad if they missed them. So I am sharing them here! Hope you enjoy them. Please let me know which is your favorite.Happy Mothering!
There’s a club, more exclusive than the Junior League, the country club, or any other social/philanthropic women’s club, it’s called the Mommy Brigade also known as the bliss/insanity that is Motherhood. Ok, yes, there are many, many women in this club, from all countries and walks of life but do you know of any other club where the initiation rite is producing a human being? Seriously, that’s a little steep. And it’s a forever club, once you join, you’re a lifer and believe me it’s more stringent than any other club I belong to, you are continuously scrutinized; what you wear, what they wear, how you speak, what classes you take, and the lists goes on forever. Other women never tell you the truth about motherhood. Or should I say, other Mommies never tell you the truth about motherhood. Not any of it is revealed, not pregnancy, not birth, or motherhood. This is the truth that your Mothers, sisters, and girlfriends never told you! This is the beginning, so if you are ready for the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, as it happens to me, stay tuned!
All anyone ever tells you about birth is “It’s such a blessing” (which it is) and you forget about the pain of childbirth as soon as you hold your beautiful newborn baby in your arms (which I hate to be the bearer of bad news, is a complete (Did I mention complete and absolute, bold faced lie). Unless an anvil fell on your head, immediately after giving birth, while holding your newborn and by some miracle missed your child, knocked you unconscious leaving you with amnesia…you will never forget the pain of childbirth. It is an indescribable, unforgettable, and unbearable pain…who could forget that, so why don’t we warn our sisters, friends, and other beloved women in our lives? I’ll tell you why, it wouldn’t change a thing. The pain would still be ‘that’ pain, and all it would do is make our girlfriends stress out and hurt even worse, besides if you dare to be different and actually go against the code and tell someone the truth, well, they won’t believe you anyways. I told my best friend that while waiting for the anesthesiologist, I told my husband if he didn’t find the damn doctor with the needle then I was going to jump out the large picture window that was in my hospital room. He knew I was serious. She thought I was kidding, speaking metaphorically to demonstrate the point, but I was serious. Dead serious! Not until she was in the throes of her own delightful birth did she recollect my words and realize damn, she was telling the truth!!! The scary, horrible, painful truth. Now, I had asked my sister in law (who had 4 children at the time, with no epidural) about the pain of childbirth and I never got a straight answer.Just the typical, you’ll forget about the pain once you hold your baby in your arms and look down into those beautiful eyes. After, I went through the lovely ordeal of childbirth; I called her and asked her “why didn’t you warn me?” Her answer to me was this, “it wouldn’t have changed anything and it would have freaked you out. Once you’re pregnant, it’s too late to change your mind because of a little pain (Little?) Besides, you never would have believed me!!!”And you know, we were on the phone (states apart) but I swear I heard laughter in her voice. You know that, I just pulled a joke on somebody laugh. I’m telling you, this club, it really does enjoy watching its provisional’s squirm. I was punked! But she was/is right; I would have thought she was crazy, a wimp, a liar, perhaps all of the above but I never would have believed and certainly could not have comprehended what child birth felt like.
They say they call it labor, because it’s a lot of hard work ( which is beyond my comprehension, still how it can take 10-30 hours for a baby to move from your uterus out into the world; after all, it’s not a transatlantic flight). Well, if we’re calling it what it is; let’s call it a near death experience! That’s the truth. Thank God we women are so easily distracted by our new shiny object (said newborn), cause if it weren’t for that we’d sure be holding a lot of grudges. Not that I’m bitter about birth, but damn they could have pulled out all of my teeth, all of my hair, and my fingernails and I wouldn’t have noticed because the pain of bringing my dear, sweet glorious angels into this world, was all encompassing.
Now, if I’ve scared you to death that was not my intention. For those of you who have been through this already, you’re laughing because it’s true (and believe me you, misery enjoys company) and if you’ve not been through it yet; you’re either laughing hysterically thinking, this lady and her metaphors are hilarious, or you are heeding my warning and doubling up on the birth control. Either way, I speak the truth. So, let’s get started. Nothing in life is free; yes, our mothers told us this. And when speaking of being a woman, well, all I can say is damn that Eve. Let’s see we get our periods, which means we can get pregnant (theoretically). So there is that. Of course, if we’re young or single the chances are greater because it’s not enough that we are blessed with hemorrhaging single every month of our adult life, we must be on constant alert and taught a lesson. So, if you don’t want to get pregnant and you are young or single, be extra cautious because you are in the highest risk category of those first blessed with pregnancy. Don’t know why, but you are. Now, if you are a married woman, in your mid 20’s or 30’s, with the closest thing to sufficient income trying to get pregnant, now it’s a little more difficult. How badly do you really want it? Because, sometimes it’s easy with a little careful charting and planning (isn’t that sexy?) but other times you have to work for it… hormones, invetro, etc. Why, you ask yourself? Let’s ask Eve, that bitch. And then the older you get, the easier it would be for you to take care of a child, the more you might want it, the harder it becomes. There is, however, a group in there (who I hope you all fall into) that has a wonderful, loving marriage and after celebrating their fifth year anniversary decide that it is time to bring a child into the family. They go on a nice, sexy vacation somewhere; have a little drink, do a little dance, get down tonight and wham, bam! 10 months later a baby changes everything, but you planned for it (well, the best you can plan for such things in life). That’s the fairy tale, it’s the dream we all had right after we planned our weddings, when we were twelve. SO, here we are 18 years and a master’s degree later. Now, we all know that in our hearts this pre
gnancy/motherhood gig is what puts us over the top. We rule. We forever are on a pedestal for giving our husbands their beloved children (they cannot do that by themselves).They can do a lot of shit, but without us there would be no propagation of the species and there is no substitution for what we can do! It turbo launches us into sainthood. But it’s a slippery slope because; the same is not guaranteed for those poor unfortunate (I only say unfortunate because you never know how the guy’s going to react in that situation) girls who get pregnant on accident. Then you run the risk of some jackass taking away your glory and treating you like you owe him, for sticking him with a baby. Be careful!