In case you missed it the first time, because I KNOW you did!

This is a few of my posts from way back when I first started this blog. I had NO followers, well, except for the BIG GUY..that man will do anything to make me smile.That’s why I love him. I love those first post and I KNOW my regular readers will be sad if they missed  them. So I am sharing them here! Hope you enjoy them. Please let me know which is your favorite.Happy Mothering!

The Truth about Motherhood

There’s a club, more exclusive than the Junior League, the country club, or any other social/philanthropic women’s club, it’s called the Mommy Brigade also known as the bliss/insanity that is Motherhood. Ok, yes, there are many, many women in this club, from all countries and walks of life but do you know of any other club where the initiation rite is producing a human being? Seriously, that’s a little steep. And it’s a forever club, once you join, you’re a lifer and believe me it’s more stringent than any other club I belong to, you are continuously scrutinized; what you wear, what they wear, how you speak, what classes you take, and the lists goes on forever. Other women never tell you the truth about motherhood. Or should I say, other Mommies never tell you the truth about motherhood. Not any of it is revealed, not pregnancy, not birth, or motherhood. This is the truth that your Mothers, sisters, and girlfriends never told you! This is the beginning, so if you are ready for the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, as it happens to me, stay tuned!

Remembering the bliss of birth

All anyone ever tells you about birth is “It’s such a blessing” (which it is) and you forget about the pain of childbirth as soon as you hold your beautiful newborn baby in your arms (which I hate to be the bearer of bad news, is a complete (Did I mention complete and absolute, bold faced lie). Unless an anvil fell on your head, immediately after giving birth, while holding your newborn and by some miracle missed your child, knocked you unconscious leaving you with amnesia…you will never forget the pain of childbirth. It is an indescribable, unforgettable, and unbearable pain…who could forget that, so why don’t we warn our sisters, friends, and other beloved women in our lives? I’ll tell you why, it wouldn’t change a thing. The pain would still be ‘that’ pain, and all it would do is make our girlfriends stress out and hurt even worse, besides if you dare to be different and actually go against the code and tell someone the truth, well, they won’t believe you anyways. I told my best friend that while waiting for the anesthesiologist, I told my husband if he didn’t find the damn doctor with the needle then I was going to jump out the large picture window that was in my hospital room. He knew I was serious. She thought I was kidding, speaking metaphorically to demonstrate the point, but I was serious. Dead serious! Not until she was in the throes of her own delightful birth did she recollect my words and realize damn, she was telling the truth!!! The scary, horrible, painful truth. Now, I had asked my sister in law (who had 4 children at the time, with no epidural) about the pain of childbirth and I never got a straight answer.Just the typical, you’ll forget about the pain once you hold your baby in your arms and look down into those beautiful eyes. After, I went through the lovely ordeal of childbirth; I called her and asked her “why didn’t you warn me?” Her answer to me was this, “it wouldn’t have changed anything and it would have freaked you out. Once you’re pregnant, it’s too late to change your mind because of a little pain (Little?) Besides, you never would have believed me!!!”And you know, we were on the phone (states apart) but I swear I heard laughter in her voice. You know that, I just pulled a joke on somebody laugh. I’m telling you, this club, it really does enjoy watching its provisional’s squirm. I was punked! But she was/is right; I would have thought she was crazy, a wimp, a liar, perhaps all of the above but I never would have believed and certainly could not have comprehended what child birth felt like.

Labor, What’s the story morning glory?

They say they call it labor, because it’s a lot of hard work ( which is beyond my comprehension, still how it can take 10-30 hours for a baby to move from your uterus out into the world; after all, it’s not a transatlantic flight). Well, if we’re calling it what it is; let’s call it a near death experience! That’s the truth. Thank God we women are so easily distracted by our new shiny object (said newborn), cause if it weren’t for that we’d sure be holding a lot of grudges. Not that I’m bitter about birth, but damn they could have pulled out all of my teeth, all of my hair, and my fingernails and I wouldn’t have noticed because the pain of bringing my dear, sweet glorious angels into this world, was all encompassing.

Resume our regularly scheduled programming: What was Eve thinking?

Now, if I’ve scared you to death that was not my intention. For those of you who have been through this already, you’re laughing because it’s true (and believe me you, misery enjoys company) and if you’ve not been through it yet; you’re either laughing hysterically thinking, this lady and her metaphors are hilarious, or you are heeding my warning and doubling up on the birth control. Either way, I speak the truth. So, let’s get started. Nothing in life is free; yes, our mothers told us this. And when speaking of being a woman, well, all I can say is damn that Eve. Let’s see we get our periods, which means we can get pregnant (theoretically). So there is that. Of course, if we’re young or single the chances are greater because it’s not enough that we are blessed with hemorrhaging single every month of our adult life, we must be on constant alert and taught a lesson. So, if you don’t want to get pregnant and you are young or single, be extra cautious because you are in the highest risk category of those first blessed with pregnancy. Don’t know why, but you are. Now, if you are a married woman, in your mid 20’s or 30’s, with the closest thing to sufficient income trying to get pregnant, now it’s a little more difficult. How badly do you really want it? Because, sometimes it’s easy with a little careful charting and planning (isn’t that sexy?) but other times you have to work for it… hormones, invetro, etc. Why, you ask yourself? Let’s ask Eve, that bitch. And then the older you get, the easier it would be for you to take care of a child, the more you might want it, the harder it becomes. There is, however, a group in there (who I hope you all fall into) that has a wonderful, loving marriage and after celebrating their fifth year anniversary decide that it is time to bring a child into the family. They go on a nice, sexy vacation somewhere; have a little drink, do a little dance, get down tonight and wham, bam! 10 months later a baby changes everything, but you planned for it (well, the best you can plan for such things in life). That’s the fairy tale, it’s the dream we all had right after we planned our weddings, when we were twelve. SO, here we are 18 years and a master’s degree later. Now, we all know that in our hearts this pre
gnancy/motherhood gig is what puts us over the top. We rule. We forever are on a pedestal for giving our husbands their beloved children (they cannot do that by themselves).They can do a lot of shit, but without us there would be no propagation of the species and there is no substitution for what we can do! It turbo launches us into sainthood. But it’s a slippery slope because; the same is not guaranteed for those poor unfortunate (I only say unfortunate because you never know how the guy’s going to react in that situation) girls who get pregnant on accident. Then you run the risk of some jackass taking away your glory and treating you like you owe him, for sticking him with a baby. Be careful!

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Comments (10)

I have commented on your blog 4 times today..thanks for the laugh on a day when I want to just sit and cry!

You are great…I can't picka fav..they are all so funny..and true!

That gave me a great laugh between chasing my toddler twins away from the electronics 🙂

Found you through the Thirsty Thursday blog hop!
Andie from Ours+His+Mine=Nine!
http://mysnugglybugs.blogspot.com/

Will be checking your blog often! Enjoyed the laughs! Thanks for the follow 🙂 I am following you back.

I've thought about reposting a few of my 'oldies but goodies' from early blogging days. These are great! All of them are good!

New follower from MBC. Nice to find you!

Blessings,
~ Sweet Mummy
It's OK to be WEIRD!

Hi!

Love your blog! I found you on Thirsty Thursday! Come check us out at http://www.mommyhoodmayhem.com

We're your newest follower!

Lenore

My OB says Mother Nature equips us with a special form of amnesia because if we could remember the hell that is L&D;, and the following newborn period, we'd never go on to have more kids.

Hi again! When I came by before I was struck with how beautiful your blog is. It's SO nice! So, I've given you an award! Come by and pick it up – Isn't She Lovely

🙂

I just found your blog via Follow me Friday blog hop, and now I'm here to stay! I remember once on a pregnancy message board, all the moms were discussing delivery, and I made the mistake of telling the truth. Oh ehm gee, those chicks went nutso! The moms who had had a baby before freaked out that I had broken the code and told of the horrific pain, and said that I was going to scare the other women who were pregnant with their first babies. Call me crazy, but I would like to know what I'm in for!

Another thing that drives me effing crazy is one of those 'copy and repost' Facebook statuses that are going around. This one:

"To All the un-selfish moms out there who traded eyeliner for dark circles, salon cuts for ponytails, long showers for quick showers, late nights for early mornings, designer bags for diaper bags, And wouldnt't change a thing, Lets see how many repost this. Moms who don't care……about whatever they gave up, instead….LOVE what they get in return. Re-post this if you are a mom and LOVE your kids!!"

Ok, so first off, if I wear eye liner, get my hair done, take a long shower, stay up late with my husband, and enjoy treating myself to the odd fashionable item of clothing, I'm a selfish mom who doesn't love her kids? WTF is that about? Please, someone explain to me why I have to flush everything that makes me me down the toilet in order for other moms to view me as a good mom! I'm not saying that as women we don't have to sacrifice some things to be moms, I'm just saying that it makes me want to puke a little in my mouth when all of these women give up everything for their children, and think that they should deserve some sort of medal for it. I consider myself a good mom, but I am first and foremost a woman!

End of rant….. 😉

Yep, I think I'm going to like it here. 😀
Chrystal
http://www.adornonashoestring.com

First time commenting. Found your blog through twitter. Pretty funny stuff. As a male I can't relate and never can to giving birth but it does seem quite painful.

You ladies downplay the pain so much for the most part. If men gave birth there would be a lot of F bombs and dude this hurts. That is for sure.

How dead on is this : ) So funny. Glad you reposted it so everyone could read it! What a good idea! Very funny and so true. Labor is no joke.

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