I drove the long trip home with the test, it seemed like hours; it was only 20 minutes. Next to me, on the passenger side of the car, sat a tiny plastic bag that held a small pink box, that held the key to my future. I felt slightly nauseous and filled with trepidation, exhausted and scared. This wasn’t what I had planned. This would be a life changing surprise but one that I think I knew the answer to before it was even asked. He knew the answer. He had a feeling. I think I knew, I was just afraid to say it out loud. If I say it out loud, it will be real. I drive in my denial of silence a bit longer but this is all speculation. This tiny little box with a tiny little test could change my life forever.
My mouth was dry, it was impossible to swallow.The car was so quiet I could hear the road meeting the tires and the wind as it hit the car. I could hear the line in my forehead furrowing as I drove in deep thought. I could barely remember to breathe. I drove in solitude, completely alone. Just me. Inside my head. Alone. Well, maybe not completely alone but that was the million dollar question that the stick in the tiny little pink box was going to answer. I could hear the blood rushing to my head at a dizzying rate. I inhaled deeply. I was driving but I wasn’t seeing anything. I was on autopilot. I was exhilarated. I was terrified. This must be what it feels like when you get everything you ever wanted and didn’t realize it.
Breathe, Debi. This may not have been planned exactly but you can’t really be shocked. After all, you are a grown woman. You know how the works. You’ve had the talk…decades ago. Breathe! You may be surprised but you know how and when this happened. You made a choice. You both did.
I pull into the driveway and, as if in slow motion, I make my way into the house alone. I walk to the bathroom, remove the tiny stick from the pink box and follow the instructions. I hold my breath and I wait for my life to change and then I took three more tests, just to be sure. The first test that truly changed my life was the positive pregnancy test with my first daughter. How did you feel the first time you took a pregnancy test?