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a Mother's heart, love letter from a mother's heart, love letter, sisters, girl mom

This is my love letter from a mother’s heart for my daughters. For all the days of my life, I carry you in my heart. I carry your heart with me and  I give you mine in return; a love letter from a mother’s heart. In the few and far between quiet moments of motherhood, I often contemplate what the great lessons are that I want to impart upon my daughters. What wisdom that I can share to make them better people, to make their lives easier and more full before they are grown and I am in the letting go stage.

READ ALSO: Love Letter to my daughter on her 7th birthday

My hearts I write you this love letter from a mother’s heart,

Live your life with integrity: Do not compromise your beliefs, your faith, and your morals. Fight to win but fight clean. Always stand up for what you believe in, even if it is the unpopular opinion.

Be Yourself: You are the best you that there will ever be. No one can do you like you. You are a one of a kind. You may not always feel that you fit the mold, but that is because you are special. Everyone is special in his or her own way. Know that always.

Live your life honestly: Always be honest with yourself and honest with others. There is no room for lies. It fosters distrust and a disingenuous perception of the kind of person that you are in your life. Wear your honesty with pride.

Family first: Always put family above all else. You may not always like them but always love them. Friends, careers, money will all come and go in your life but when you need unconditional love, and support your family will always be there.

Your sister is your best friend; no matter if you pull one another’s hair today. She will be the one who will hold your hand when you welcome your first baby into the world. She will know your sorrow when your father and I are no longer here. She will keep your secrets and love you always.

Live your life with respect: Have a deep and abiding respect for who you are and others will treat you with respect. Always respect others; beliefs, their choices, and how they carry themselves in the world. You do not have to agree but you cannot condemn a man because his beliefs or ways are not your own. There is room enough for all of us.

Love: Love big and love hard. When/if it doesn’t work out, mourn the loss and move on. You will have many loves in your life, enjoy and experience them all for their purpose. They are making you ready for your great love.

Faith; My child, have the same faith and love for yourself that you do in your friends, your family, and your God. You are amazing!

Be fearless; do not let anyone tell you that you can’t do anything because if you set your mind to something, where there is a will, there is always a way. Always. Perseverance, hard work and dedication to your dreams are the recipe for exhausting potential and pursuing passions. Do this always.

Breathe. Slow down and enjoy the people and experiences in your life. Life is short but it is amazing and the adventures you will have along the journey and the people you will meet can never be replaced. Walk gingerly on your journey of life and do not run the race.

Be happy. If it makes your heart smile and enriches your life do it. Don’t care about what other people think. There are little moments of bliss that we may never know because we are too busy worrying about what others think is relevant. Follow your heart.

With All the Love a Mother’s Heart can hold (to the moon and back again)

I love you and will always be here for you, no matter what you do, who you become or mistakes you may make. A mother’s love is here to pick you up when you stumble when you fall. Therefore, know this always. Even when I am gone you will always be with me in my heart.

READ ALSO: When a tattoo heals your heart after a loss

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it

e.e. cummings

What lesson or wisdom would you impart upon your child? What would you want for your child to carry with him or her in their heart?

What would your love letter from a mother’s heart say to your child?

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father's daughter, father, daughter,fathers, daughters

father's daughter, father, daughter,fathers, daughters

A Father’s Love

Father and his Daughter~ It’s difficult to understand the relationship between a father and his daughter. This topic has been on my mind a lot lately with the Daddy/Daughter dance pending this Friday. The Big Guy is an amazing father. You can see it in his eyes how much he adores our girls. This adoration appeared the moment each of our girl’s were born, engulfing father and daughter in an unbreakable circle of love and trust. It will be this way as long as he takes breath. There exists a next level of unconditional love between a father and his daughters. It’s a symbiotic relationship of complete devotion.

I see my girls with the Big Guy and I see all the possibility and goodness of a parent/child relationship and it makes me wonder if every child has this, at some point? I adore my father. I’ve always loved him. His approval and love have always been at the forefront of my mind. But I remember moments, in my lifetime, when I didn’t like him very much. Times when my happiness literally was hung on him and he let me down. Not in the small ways that a parent fails their child but failure in grand ways. I’ve always loved him the most. I’ve always found forgiveness and an endless well of love for this man. He’s always loved me. I know that. He just didn’t always show it.

I watch my daughters, they hang their happiness on their father. Of course, my husband is a different man than my father. It’s a different time than when I was a child. Fathers are more involved in the parenting than they ever were. My husband is ever dependable and present. My father was not always dependable and seldom present. He worked a lot and when he was not working, he spent a lot of time doing what he wanted to do.

A Father’s love is Unconditional

He loved me unconditionally but sometimes he had a difficult time expressing it. I spent a lot of time being made to feel like his little princess and a little time feeling like I had done something wrong. Only no one ever told me what that was. It was confusing as a child. It was sort of like having the rug pulled out from underneath you and the wind knocked out of you, unexpectedly.

I don’t know if that is genetic or I’ve somehow inadvertently taught my girls to do this. I think mostly they do it because they know he will never fail to make them happy. Even when he doesn’t do what they want, or give them what they want it is always with unconditional love and support and usually in their best interest. They can see in his eyes, hear in his words and know in his actions that they are the most important people in his world. I love that about him.

What differences do you see between your relationship with your father and the relationship your husband has with your children? Do you think this is because of the role of men in parenting today ? Or do you think it has more to do with who your husband is versus who your father was?

Photo Credit

A Father’s Love

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Remember the good old days when you could spell any word that you wanted your children NOT to understand. I don’t know how many times we spelled “B.A.T.H”, “S.L.E.E.P”, “N.A.P.” “O.U.T.S.I.D.E.” and every single curse word..ever! In fact the other night, my friend and I were at dinner talking and she burst out into spelling a curse word.We both chuckled because the youngest person at the table was my baby sister who is 32. But its just one more of our Mommy moments.

Unfortunately for me, my brilliant 5 year old is phonetically spelling everything now and when we spell..she figures it out. So, no more talking about how they won’t be going outside, or can’t drive their Barbie Escalade in 50 degree weather. No more whispered spelling about what we plan to do after the girls go to sleep. No more talking about what just transpired with the crazy mom. No, because now my child who hears absolutely nothing I have to say to her can hear everything I spell that is of absolutely no concern to her.Worse, she can understand what I am spelling and takes great unabashed joy in deciphering my Mommy code!

Damn! Why did I ever teach my kid to spell? I am fairly certain my life is going to hell in a gasoline doused hand basket, any day now. She’s already heard too much. She has cracked my code but worse is she cracked it before telling me she understood. In theory, I may or may not have said something about a certain crazy mother, teacher, neighbor or family member that may get repeated at the most inopportune time.It’s like I’m being held hostage by a kindergartner, without her knowledge.I can’t ask her not to say anything because a) I’m not sure entirely what she has deciphered and understood and what she has not b)if I do broach the subject and ask her not to repeat any thing, what kind of an example am I setting? I’d be teaching her that its OK to be mean and ugly and then to lie to cover it up.Yeah, because that will never come back to bite me in the ass.

No thank you! I have already learned my lesson, from my Mother’s flurry of “I hope you have a little girl just like you when you grow up” that has since hit me over the head and kicked me in the ass ten fold. NO, I know the bitch that karma can be and I choose not to taunt or tempt her. I will keep my mouth shut. Stop spelling in front of my big brained baby and really just try and be a better person. After all, isn’t it my mouth that got me into all of this trouble and not my daughter’s big brain or astute hearing skills? But I still would like to know Why did I teach my girl to spell? Next thing you know, she’ll be deciphering for her little sister.Happy Mothering!

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Kindergarten has been a big step for our Bella and it doesn’t seem that the firsts show any sign of slowing down anytime soon. I have mixed emotions about all of this. For the most part of it, I am very excited for my Bella. Unfortunately, the fact that I left the girls overnight for the first time ever coupled with the fact that she has had about 4 firsts in the past week, add to that me trying to upload photos and stumbling into a folder with photos of my Bella when she was newborn to about 2 years old and on top of that add the Bette Midler song Baby Mine and I am sitting here, alone in the middle of the night, feeling a bit emotional. As always, I share these moments with you, my friends.

Last Tuesday, while we were at ballet class with Gabs, Bella and I were sitting in the car waiting for Gabs to be done. Bella was in the passenger seat spelling out words ( She is getting to be such a big girl) and I am reading. I hear the click clack of her Barbie laptop stop, I glance over and there she is..tying her shoe..all.by.herself! It really felt a lot like those first steps she took when she was about 10 months old. I was so proud. She’s only been shown once. She amazes me. Where did that helpless little baby go? How can I be so happy and so sad simultaneously? Mostly, I was proud. Just ask any of my friends and family…I took a picture of it and mass texted it to them all.

First Shoe Tie 9/21/10

Then on Wednesday, we had our first rehearsal for the Nutcracker. I can’t believe that 3 years have already passed since she first started ballet. She was such a tiny thing when she first began and now she is a snowflake. She looked like such a big girl ballerina in her leotard, tights, and performance bun. I do realize its the same thing she wears to class every single week for class. But something is different, my Bella is different. She is growing up every hour of every single day.Letting go, even a little, hurts a lot but thank God it is dulled by the happiness that she shows on her face when she accomplishes something that she has set her mind to. It amazes me what a strong characterful little person she is at such a young age.

First Nutcracker Rehearsal for the Snowflakes 9/22/10. This is the photo that broke the Big Guys heart because he had to miss this moment.

Then on Thursday, she came home with 2 declarations. The first one was “Mommy, I was chosen as one of the stars of the day.” Me: “Great,baby!I’m so proud of you!” Bella: ( a little bashful) “Umm, Mommy, the star of the day gets a piece of bubblegum.” And with that she pulls a little baggy from behind her back, with one little red gumball in it. She is smiling so big that I can hardly stand it. Me;”Bella, you know you are too young for gum.” Who the hell gives gum to kindergartners? This is the same teacher who is so strict about no unhealthy snacks.Yeah, OK. I am watching as Bella’s face is losing its smile. Bella: “But Mommy, the other stars got one too!” How could I deny her her reward that she was so obviously proud to have been chosen to receive. I told her that we would split it, and she could chew it for 5 minutes in my eyesight, but from now on she would have to put them in a Ziploc, put them in the freezer and save them until she’s 8! I know, very random solution but it satisfied her for the moment. I’m not a fan of gum for kids…bad for teeth, choking hazard, etc.

The next declaration was a little more substantial, thank goodness we had spat our gum out or I may have swallowed mine. Bella, puts her hand on her hip, has a very nervous look on her face and says,”Mommy,I’ve got to tell you something” Me: “Yes, Bella, what do you need to tell me?” Bella: “Mommy, I like Bill* (*names have been changed to protect the innocent) and Bill likes me!” She’s blushing, so I am pretty sure I know what that means. But I don’t want to embarrass her. I want her to be able to tell me anything.But, I had to know,”Bella, do you mean like a boyfriend?” Bella: (blushing and giggling and averting eye contact) “No, Mommy..like he’s my best friend!” I heard what she said, but I also saw what her face said, that little face that I have read every single day for the past 5 and a half years..her little heart is happy. She has her first crush.

Today, as I was waiting for Bella to come out of class ( she is one of only 4 half day kindergartners) and so is Bill*. Bill’s mother sits down next to me and says, “I was told to be here early , I have been given strict orders to find out from you when the Nutcracker performances are because Bill* said he has to go see Bella in the Nutcracker.” We both giggled, because its obviously the sweetest thing either of us have ever heard…ever. But, oh my God, I won’t lie it choked me up just a bit. As we’re pulling out, Bella and Gabs are gleefully screaming “Bye, Bill!” And the cutest little boy ever waves them both on. In the car ride home, Bella informs me that I must talk to his mother about setting up a play date with Bill*. She continues on and tells me that the two of them were talking about it. She told him he could come over and play dress up with her. She told him he could be a fairy. He said,”Nah, I have a cape with jewels on it. I can be the prince and you can be my princess!” Priceless. do you hear that “Awwwww” in your head too? Or is it just me? It also makes me wonder, am I scheduling a play date or just a date?

This, of course, catapults me about 20 years into the future and I can already feel myself losing that helpless little baby I met on the day she was born to the man of her dreams on her wedding day. I am now more convinced than ever that parenthood is misery peppered with moments of profound bliss. God has given us these little people that steal our hearts, our minds, and our bodies and then in the end they leave us alone to miss them. Now, I understand why grandchildren are so important..its a way for parents to have a little part of their children back. Its probably also why grand kids can get away with so much. Parents have already felt the loss of their children growing up and leaving and have a new barometer of what is acceptable behavior and what is not. To be able to hold your children in that moment when they are little perpetually would be worth almost any price to have again, once they are grown. For now, I am going to cherish every single first, smile, giggle, even the tantrums and heartbreak because this time passes too quickly. Baby of Mine!

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prenatal yoga, serenity now, mommy truisms

Mommy truisms ~The truth, the whole truth and nothing but my entire truth. I wish someone would have told me the truth, but I’ m sure I wouldn’t have believed them if they had tried! But no more, I refuse to further take part in the vicious cycle of perpetuating the myth of constant Motherhood bliss by sharing my brutally honest truth about Motherhood!

  • When receiving your epidural during transition labor (first of all, if you are  in transition labor..you’ve missed your window of escaping the ordeal pain free), you certainly do not care what the consequences are of an epidural mishap. Chronic migraines? Possibility of paralysis? Death? Bring it on, at that point anything was better than the pain of my labor!
  • Looking into the eyes of your newborn for the first time is, indeed, a Godlike moment filled with spirituality and you better believe it will change your life forever.
  • A baby changes everything is by far the most honest and underestimated advertising slogan of the century; of all time! Hell yeah; Pregnancy changes everything!
  • No penis ever blacked a fetus’ eye! I promise you, it doesn’t happen ..no matter what your husband wants to believe!
  • Sometimes giving into whining, screaming and tantrums is an absolute must. Do not feel like a failure! Do not beat yourself up over it! Let it go! Serenity now!
  • Mom’s Night out is imperative to your sanity! Do it! Everyone will be happier, your husband will get lucky, and the kids will be glad Mommy has pulled the grouchy stick out of her ass! Trust me, I learned this the hard way!
  • Alone time with your husband is an absolute necessity for the survival of your marriage! Don’t feel guilty, if it weren’t for the love that you two share, those kiddies wouldn’t be here. Love your man, love yourself, love your life and you will be capable of loving your children even more.
  • Sometimes a large glass of wine, after the kids go to bed, is what needs to be done to help you decompress enough to move past all of the chaos of the day. Don’t feel guilty! Keep that damn bottle chilled and when you really need it, uncork it, and sip it until you feel all warm and fuzzy inside and all the shit (literal and metaphorical) from the day falls off of you..like a nightie on your honeymoon.
  • Stay at Home Mom(SAHM) is the most underpaid, overworked, 24/7 job that a woman can ever undertake. It will let you know what you are really made  of. It’s the only job that will take you from the throes of hell to the gates of heaven within a 24 hour period and sometimes simultaneously.
  • Mommies who work outside of the home, they have double the work. We SAHM Mommies may be envious at times because they get to leave the house for a few hours, but then they have to deal with the guilt of leaving their children plus come home and do what we do all day…in 4 hours. So, cut each other some slack, its hard all the way around. There’s no getting around it; raising healthy, happy, intelligent,independent,  socially responsible humans is a lot of hard work! But I believe its worth it because in the end, no money can substitute for what a random “Me Love you MOMMY” feels like. That is priceless!

What are your mommy truisms?

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beautiful mom an daughter singing karaoke or rock band into brushes in a brightly lit room

Things have been hectic, to say the least, around here the last few months. There was a time \, not so long ago, when I was positive that I would lose my mind at any moment. The girls realized that they outnumbered me during the week and they decided that was the time to strike.

Devious little boogers they are, it seemed as though they were plotting and conniving to make my life a living hell while their father was away. I was certain that they were striving to make me go mad. They almost succeeded. Oh yeah, they almost broke me. You know that feeling you get when the day is just too long, the kids haven’t listened at all, the laundry is piled to the ceiling, toys have exploded all over the living room, and the children have definitely been possessed by a demon of some sort? Yeah, that’s the kind of few months I was having.

READ ALSO: How to survive a commuter marriage with a part-time parent

Then one night, after a string of hectic days culminating with Bella’s 5th birthday, my husband suggested that I come downstairs and play Rock band with him, my brother, my sister and her fiance. It was a very typical family gathering of our bunch. I have always loved to sing but not exactly thrilled about singing into a microphone in front of people. I wasn’t sure Rock band was my thing. Isn’t that more for prepubescent teen rock band wannabes and frat boys? But it was amongst family, they were drinking, my husband made me a Pomtini (the girls had finally went to bed) and……a star was born.

I sang the hell outta “Take another little piece of my heart”, “We got the Beat”. “Linger”, even a little “Painkiller”! I was in a zone and having the time of my life. I was in my basement, drinking Pomtinis with my favorite people in the world and singing like no one was watching! It was liberating, it was soothing, and it allowed me a place to channel all of that frustration and aggravation I had been trying to contain. You know the days when you feel like you are trapped in Munch’s The Scream?

This is how How Rock Band Karaoke and Pomtini’s Saved One Mom’s Sanity

beautiful mom an daughter singing karaoke or rock band into brushes in a brightly lit room

The next morning, I woke up and I felt calmer ( almost creepy calm) and I was able to function on a much higher level as an adult. Isn’t that ironic?  I was actually able to step back from the situations of chaos; the exploding toy boxes, the toddler catfights (Meow!Kitties have claws), the dog pissing on the floor because I was up til 2 am posting after the kids went to sleep and wasn’t up at the crack of dawn to let the bitch out, and more. Rock band allowed me the time to have perspective and to be alone in my head for a few minutes. Serenity now!

READ ALSO: Finally, a normal marriage where no one leaves

Now, when I feel the craziness getting to be too much…I grab the girls, head downstairs and we Rock out to Rock Band. I sing as many songs as it takes to get the frustration out and the calmness back ( hey it sounds prettier than screaming at the kids and it serves the same purpose).

beautiful mom an daughter singing karaoke or rock band into brushes in a brightly lit room while jumping on bed

Our sessions have lasted anywhere from 15 minutes to 2 hours. The girls pretend they are my backup singers and dress up in their princess costumes and dance around, so we are spending quality time together versus me screaming and flying off the deep end. I’d rather have them fondly recollect memories of their goofy Mommy singing Margaritaville instead of their mean Mommy throwing the toys from the floor into the garbage, or burning the laundry because she got sick of looking at it.No, now (on most days) I have been able to back up and say, as my child screams bloody murder because her panties socks a knat an ant her sister is irritating her, “I understand you are frustrated but  it will all be OK. Take a breath and calm down. Let mommy give you a hug!” Opposed to, ” Oh my Freaking God, they are just panties, socks, a knat, and ant, your sister! What is wrong with you?”

Who knew that something I normally would have shunned and turned my nose up at would end up being the very thing that quite literally may have saved my sanity, my relationship with my girls, and my credentials as their Mommy. The Pomtinis didn’t hurt either!

If you need a release and going bald from stress, going gray from stress, getting wrinkles, beating your children, are not avenues that you’d like to explore then I’m suggesting a little stress relief by banging some drums, jamming to some fake guitar, singing your heart out, or just dancing like no one else is around! I promise, you may feel silly in the beginning (because unlike Daddies, Mommies don’t initially feel that it is cool to be playing in a pretend rock band) but by the time you are done with one set, you will feel calmer and more relaxed and even happier! Happy Rock band mothering!

This is how Rock band Karaoke saved one mom’s sanity.

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So, summer reading programs are in full swing. I sign my girls up every year, since Bella’s first summer when she was 3 months old. I am sure that the librarian though I was a completely overkill new Mommy. That was OK, I didn’t mind. I’d walk into the library dressed all cute, with my super cute little baby dressed in some incredibly adorable outfit with her hair pulled up in the most incredible little bows ( yes, even if I had to use toothpaste to keep those bitches in..they were in)I pranced my blissfully happy ass across the library like I was hot stuff as people oohed and ahhed over my baby. Then I’d pick out about 20 of the cutest little books I could find, trip over my platform sandals and maneuver my way back to the front to check out. Where the librarians would tell me just how awesome a Mommy I was to be reading to my baby and instilling such great literary practices in her little baby brain. I got a little bibliophile gold star. And every time I’d walk in, the same thing would happen. Now, I am sure behind my back they were giggling thinking poor, stupid girl. None the less, I would log the books I read to her and she would pick out some trinket..sticker, board book, pencil ( yes, a pencil for a 3month old..that should have been my first hint…duh) Of course, I too would take part. I had to be a good example for my 3 MONTH OLD!( like she was keeping track..shit,I’m not even sure she could completely see me at that point).
The following summer, pretty much like the first , just as adorable as ever. By this point the librarians know me by name. They smile and coo and know all my general business. Again, Mommy and daughter..prancing our sweet asses in their doing our thing, Me being the best Mommy ever! I was a model library connoisseur. Hell, my favorite librarian even used to set aside new release movies on Tuesday and hold them for me and Bella.What a rocking Librarian.
Fast forward, the next year I have a newborn. More OOhs and AWWWS, because now there is two of them. Dressed just alike with rhyming names, those big blue eyes, and crazy smiles.Of course, Mommy wasn’t sporting platform sandals or kitten heels anymore. No, Mommy was wearing flip flops and a pony tail, looking ever so slightly rough around the edges, That’s what a toddler and a newborn do to a Mommy. That summer,when they asked if I ‘d be participating in the summer reading program I gave a little grumble..put forth an effort and squeezed out 2 books that I may or may not have actually finished reading. I’m leaning towards probably not, but when they know you on a first name basis…you gotta at least make the effort to pretend. But I still read to the girls. Bedtime can really rack up those books when you have a toddler who fights sleep!
Fast forward to this year, I have a 3 and 5 year old who run into the library like they own the place. I guess they kinda feel like they do. They walk in and all the librarians flock to them like they are their long last Grammys. Hell, we moved away for 7 months, moved back and all the librarians were celebrating that we were back.It’s really sweet, I think they missed their entertainment. But these days, the girls run in..make a mad dash for the children’s DVD rack, then head for the Macs, and then the music. I’m too tired to even argue. It never fails, even at the self check out counters, one ( or more) of the librarians make their way over to say hi to the girls. I always feel a little guilty when they eyeball my 10 dvds, 10 cds, and my The tired Mommy’s guide to passionate sex book that I have checked out 7 times and never get around to reading because I am so DAMN TIRED! But there are seldom any kids books this summer. So, I reassure them that we do, in fact, have a library in our home..chalked full of kids books ( Which we do) but of course most of the time the kids are running past it to get to the media room…. to watch the aforementioned DVDs ……from the library.
This year when they ambushed me to sign up for the kids reading program, I readily did, as I always do. I even signed up to get their Library email newsletters so they can update me when there’s new books. I also told the girls that we were going to start reading chapter books and once we finished the entire book…I’d rent the movie. It’s been a week, and we are almost through with Charlotte’s Web. Brilliant, why didn’t I think of this sooner? Of course there is another problem, with all those DVDs, somehow…the Wiggles have gone missing. You know the Wiggles DVD that we already owned but my 3 year old had to check out. The Wiggles DVD that will probably cost me $100 to replace. Yeah, that Wiggles DVD ( apparently the one dipped in gold).Then it dawned on me why the librarians really love me and my children so much, all the money I have paid them for lost and misplaced DVD’s and CD’s ( never books). I’m probably part owner of that place as much money as I have put into it. The moral of the story….Read a book. Skip the DVD. A book cost $15 to replace, a DVD dipped in gold quite a bit more. Having the librarians still ooh and awww, even when you come in wearing tennis shoes, a crooked ponytail, a spit up t-shirt and yoga pants ( though the kids are still dressed cute) PRICELESS!

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Seems like just yesterday, in fact I think it was, Gabs was saying “Me this and Me that” and now I hear the “I”s creeping in. Of course, I am proud because she is learning to talk like a big girl and use her correct pronouns. But there is something saddening about my baby turning into a little girl. It’s letting go of one phase and starting another one. Much the same as I had to do a few weeks ago when Bella decided that her lovey “Fi Fi LaRUe” (the most adorable pink poodle ever) that up until then she could not sleep without..ever ( this little guy has been same day shipped when forgotten @ Grandma’s. It was THAT serious!) is not so necessary anymore. Normally, at bed time, there is a mad scramble to find FiFi. It is a major event and Daddy and I know there will be hell to pay if that little poodle ever goes missing. But a few days ago, FiFi was missing at nap time and Bella was all like,”It’s OK Mommy. I can live with out her for one nap.” OMG! And just like that..a dagger in my heart. I could care less about what happens to FiFi. It’s not about losing FiFi, its about this being a representation of losing yet another piece of Bella’s childhood. On to the next phase we go.
Parenthood is a lot like a roller coaster. You know what’s coming…you are excited for the thrill of a lifetime. You get on and as it climbs to the top, it feels like it is dragging on forever and the trepidation is building to almost combustible levels. Then you hit the top and away you go. You are on the ride of your life and it is over in a flash.  That first year of my girls’ lives, everything seemed like it was in slow motion. We were wading through  blindly waiting for life to happen..first teeth, first step, first word….all kinds of firsts. Then you hit that 1 year mark,the baby’s mobile and away you go. Suddenly, your whole life is on fast forward. All you want to do is hit the brakes  but there’s no stopping this coaster once it gains momentum. Here I am, right smack dab in the middle of the ride..holding on for dear life, having the thrill of my life. I just wish I could slow it down a bit and  enjoy the scenery a little more. It’s going so fast, I feel like I am missing parts of the ride and afraid its going to be over way too soon.
Quick , someone tap the brakes, Mama wants to take a couple few  49,000 or so snapshots to remember the ride!

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I’m looking over some recent pictures of my girls today and I notice something that stuns and really bothers me.Gabi looks like she is in a constant state of dishevelment ( this kid will not keep her hair pulled back. I can fix it 30 times a day and she still ends up looking like cousin  Oscar from the Brady bunch, or Joey Ramone, or any other long haired Joey you can imagine). This is not acceptable. Bella never went in public with her hair looking in such a state.Speaking of Bella, my beautiful free-spirited, always giggling Bella, now in her pictures she looks like she is unhappy. She is smiling but the gleam that used to be there is not there anymore and it breaks my heart. She is a tough bird. She is definitely the suck it up and chin up kinda girl. You never see her down, she won’t let you. She makes the most of all situations even if they are less than desirable. She is her Mommy’s daughter in that way.But pictures don’t lie, she looks sad in the way only a Mama would know. She’s missing her friends, her school, her play dates, her life. But she won’t complain because she is so smart and she knows this is the situation. This should not be the concern of a 5 year old.I also notice that I am suspiciously absent from most pictures these days because, to be honest, I feel as if through this last move..I’ve lost control. I’ve reverted back to my workout clothes as acceptable public clothing ( which they are not unless you are actually in the middle of working out) , I never have time to workout ( adding more guilt because I feel like the worst role model on the face of the earth), my straightener who I was using religiously has given way to the ‘ponytail’. There never seems to be enough hours in the day to accomplish all the things that I want or need to do.It’s not Gabi’s hair, my absence of interest in how I look, that’s bothering me, its the fact that the hair is a reflection of what has been going on in our lives over the past few months.It’s the light gone out of Bella’s eyes, the genuine happiness she used to radiate. Here’s how it went down; Daddy has job, Daddy loses job, Daddy gets new job, we move across the country,job down sizes Daddy after 8 months, we move back to original home ( since it never sold) , Daddy gets new job, Daddy moves to Iowa, we stay behind because job is contract. It has been madness all the way round…crippling madness.The girls cry every other night for their Daddy to tuck them in, to play with them outside, to do all the Daddy stuff that he’s always done. I think I am doing an OK job of functioning normally when Daddy is gone but obviously not. I know it, the girls have caught on and I have to change it. But how do I force myself to pull it all together when I am seriously doing the best that I can with the cards I was dealt? To make matters worse, I can’t even talk about it to anyone because…my friends here probably think “Jesus, get over it. You are home.You should be happy”. My friends still living where we most recently left, well, I am bitter because I miss them so damn much and I am here and they are there and I feel displaced. Nothing worse than feeling like life is moving on even though you are not there:)Yes, the world does not revolve around me..once again I am painfully reminded. I can’t talk to my husband because I don’t want to lay that kind of guilt on him. I know him, he’d quit and come home but then where would we be? I just keep telling myself, the best thing for us is right around the corner. I know it.There is no way we’ve gone through all this over the past 2 years for nothing ( God, I hope not).I can’t talk to my family because quite frankly, if you’ve not been in the situation you can not imagine how hard it is. It’s like childbirth, even if I told you ,you wouldn’t believe it and even if you did..you could never fathom the gaping void it leaves in your world. Here I sit, writing it all out hoping to find some catharsis. I may not be able to fix this ‘situation’ but I can fix my reaction to it. So, tomorrow, whether I feel like it or not, I will be getting “ready” before going into public. I will make myself ,once again, a priority. Because, baby, you are what you think you are and if I don’t think I am worth it, neither will anyone else. But most importantly, I am making tomorrow Bella and Gabi Day, as will be every day from now on ( well, at least most days..once in a blue moon Mama may need to keep herself sane:). For now, I have to chin up and chest out. I’m bringing back that gleam in my baby’s eyes, no matter what it takes.I just wish it didn’t take me having to look at pictures to realize what was going on right in front of me. I guess its true, sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees.

Happy! Last year before “the move” and all the chaos!

Messy hair, disingenuous happiness!

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