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motherhood

mom , crazy, OCD

mom , crazy, OCD

You know that moment when you drop your little one off at school and you don’t watch them all the way into the building and then you question whether or not they got safely into the building the entire drive home? It happens almost instantly as soon as you drop them off. Yeah that happened to me today, again and I was wondering, what do you do when that happens?

There is a lot of crazy shit we moms do. I used to be carefree and a bit of a thrill seeker but then I had kids and I changed. They changed me. Not only was a perpetual worry wart about them, I began to obsess about my own actions because now every single thing I did had a ripple effect on them and I want every thing to be perfect for them.

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winter, winter wonderland, snow, sledding, memories, family

winter, winter wonderland, snow, sledding, memories, family

Walking in a winter wonderland

We just had our first substantial snow here in the Midwest. The girls have waited months for this snow. There is just something magical about snow; to adults and children alike.

We all had high hopes that we would have a white Christmas but it wasn’t meant to be. We did receive a small blizzard the day after and have been living in a winter wonderland ever since.

winter, winter wonderland, snow, sledding, memories, family

The girls couldn’t wait to put on their snow gear and frolic in the wintery wonderland. Me, I grew up outside of Chicago and I have a lifetime of memories of freezing in the cold winter snow, sledding, building snowmen and trying to knock down my nemesis’ snow fort to last me a lifetime. As much as I now hate the cold, I want all those memories for my girls and so I doubled up my layers, dug out my snow boots ( because no Midwestern girl worth her salt doesn’t have snow boots) bundled up my kids and my husband and we walked in the 22 degree weather to the neighborhood park; Rocket park. You can imagine what we went there for?

winter, winter wonderland, snow, sledding, memories, family

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mommy moment monday, my girls, daughters. motherhood

Mommy Moment Monday

Mommy Moment Monday~There are these moments in motherhood where I stand in awe of these little people that I helped to bring into the world. They have done things that I have never done. Things that I will never do and that makes me stop and catch my breath. The moments when I cannot believe that I get to be a part of the tapestry of their lives. I know all mother’s feel this way but I am always gently reminded of this when I see my daughters do something for the first time, especially at this time of the year, being the raging christian that I am. This time of the year holds a special place in my heart.

This past weekend my Bella debuted in her third Nutcracker performance. This is amazing to me that she can be only 7 and have performed live on stage in this huge (named one of the top 5 in the country by Forbes magazine) production and in front of sold out crowds. I get stage fright so the fact that they can do this, blows me away and leaves me in the audience so emotional that I am usually moved to tears by my pride in their courage. I suppose it is the knowledge that with every new venture, they are growing up and I am letting go, even in this minimal way.

Bella has always been my child that sucks it up, no matter how afraid she may be of a new situation. She just does it. She is a lot like me in this way. We are the sort who were born wearing our big girl panties. I guess it may have something to do with being the firstborn.

mommy moment monday, my girls, daughters. motherhood

Mommy Moment caught on camera

She had her first reconciliation at 10:30 that morning, that was following performances the 2 nights previous and a grueling rehearsal schedule all that week. She never complained. She had a cold and pink eye in the past two weeks but she sucked it up. On Saturday, I could see she was a little trepidatious. I tried to ease her into reconciliation. I assured her that she would do fine and it would be painless. Unfortunately, she had to go first because she was due at the theater that morning for call time for her matinee performance. She sucked it up and gave the longest first confession that I have ever seen, no doubt throwing her father and I under the bus. It all ended with absolution and a fist pump from what I can only describe as the coolest priest ever. I sat there and watched, because she did a face-to-face confession out in the open, as her father snapped undercover photos on his iPhone because I begged him to. I was moved. She is getting so big and I am so proud of her. I held back the tears and when I saw that her trepidation was exchanged for absolution and a huge smile, my heart exploded.

But there was no time for congratulatory lingering. She had to be at the theater and we had to get ready to attend the matinee. The opening weekend performances are particularly moving because they are accompanied by the Philharmonic and a live chorus. For me, it is always amazing to see my baby on stage because I know of the process that she went through to get there; 5 years of dance classes, auditioning and a grueling rehearsal schedule. She made that choice and I could not be prouder.I was particularly excited to be going to see it with my father, who has never seen my daughter perform.

I excitedly explained the premise to my parents and told them to watch for my girl to enter stage right and then dance her way to stage left. Before we dropped Bella off at the green room that morning, I asked her to make it extra special for me. I know this sounds crazy but if you have a daughter who dances ( especially one who has a particular shade of blondish brown hair) you know that under lights and in their costumes, it is easy to get small children mixed up.

mommy moment monday, motherhood, nutcracker, ballet

Mommy Moment by Nutcracker Mice

When it came her time on stage during the Battle scene, I saw her immediately and then I saw her look for me( even though I know she can’t see anything past the house lights). My heart was swelling so big that I began to tear up, for the second time that day.  I was choked up and tears about to come gushing out when I noticed what she was doing. She was over animating and smiling harder than I had ever seen and dancing like it was her last show ever, and I knew it was for me and I audibly laughed out loud as my tears escaped. This feeling of pride that I feel for my girls is directly proportional with the love I feel for them. In some small part, I did that.

My girls are way more amazing than I could have ever imagined and they fill my life with more joy and meaning than I ever knew possible. I am proud to be their mother and blessed to be able to share their lives with them.

mommy moment, daughters, nutcracker, motherhood

Mommy Moment with my Girl

 

What was your mommy moment this week?



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Truthful Mommy Tells All~My TRUTHs about Motherhood

 

Today is the last day of my month long celebration of my 2nd Blog anniversary ( And MY 600th post in 2 years) and I wanted to share Truthful Mommy Tells All~ My TRUTH about Motherhood. I also want to thank all of my fabulously talented and honest friends who shared their truth with my readers. You are my village and you all help me through this journey of motherhood with our conversations. I hope that sharing my TRUTH over these past two years has been a source of comfort and commiseration for you to know that you are not alone in this roller coaster of uncertainty that we call parenting.  My truth is  something that I have been learning slowly over the past 6 years and even more so since I have joined the blogging community. I don’t think I can contain it all in a single post but I will share some of it here. Again, thank YOU for joining the conversation and trusting me enough to share your experiences with the TRUTH about Motherhood community.

Truthful Mommy Tells All~My TRUTHs about Motherhood

My TRUTH about Motherhood; My Sunshine

  • No Mommy is an island. Sometimes, it may feel like you are stranded alone and desperate on an island all by yourself with the crazy little natives but you are never alone. All you have to do is reach out and there you will find the sisterhood that will rescue you from the solitude and the drowning days. Make no mistake, that life preserver can come in the form of family, a friend,your husband, the next door neighbor,the lady sitting across from you at ballet rehearsal, a mommy of one of your children’s friends, a doctor, someone you’ve met online or through your blog, or a complete stranger. We only have to be open to seeing the preserver, which usually comes in the form of a honest conversation.

 

Truthful Mommy Tells All~My TRUTHs about Motherhood

My TRUTH about Motherhood, my Heart

  • It really does take a village to raise a child. I have not lived close to family  since having my children so I have had to be dependent on a small but mighty group of women who I am blessed to call my sisters. It only works if you can be honest though. Our tight knit friendships were forged through pain and honesty. The first step is acceptance. We had to accept that we are not perfect and everyone needs a shoulder to cry on, a hand to help up and an ear to listen during the tough times as well as a friend to truly enjoy the happy times.

 

Truthful Mommy Tells All~My TRUTHs about Motherhood

  • Children really do change everything. From the moment you are aware of their existence, they change you from the physicality of your body,what you eat, drink, your lifestyle, your finances, your perspective of the world, your job, your beliefs,your hopes and dreams even the very way that you move through the world.One thing I can guarantee you that you will experience when you have your baby, everything else that you ever held in esteem will become a distant second.

 

  • Truthful Mommy Tells All~My TRUTHs about Motherhood

 

  • You will love your children more than you have ever loved anything in the entire world. (maybe not at first and certainly you may not like them at times(especially the hormonal teen years) but you will come to love them always.)You will realize that you have forgotten most of your life before they came into it. You will realize that you are capable of being a selfless person, no matter how selfish you may have been beforehand.You will make sacrifices that you would have never in your entire life thought yourself capable of. Children test our character and stretch our hearts above and beyond capacity.
  • You will cry at the thought of them growing up and leaving, no matter how absolutely crazy they may drive you when they are screaming, fighting, tantruming, biting their siblings,asking you the same question 7000 times,or staying up all night with colic. No matter how hard they may make life in the moment, there is nothing greater than tiny arms wrapped around your neck telling you how much they love you….looking at you like a fat kid looks at cake.There is no greater love than that experienced between a parent and a child.
  • They make us better people.You will become a better version of yourself. Oh there will be days of complete doubt and feelings of incompetency and guilt. The guilt is almost too much to bear on some days. The guilt is the growing pains of motherhood. It is us metamorphosing into our better self. As we strive to be better people for our littles, we begin to experience regret for some of our actions. This is where we must forgive ourselves. No one is perfect. Some days we growl and roar and some days we cry and other days we do every single thing right and its the BEST DAY EVER but through every single minute of it…we love so big that our hearts are about to burst.This is love.
  • Naps are as important to Mommies as food and water are to the rest of the population. Naps for the kids so you can have alone time.Time to decompress, think and regroup…to hang on to that last thread of your sanity. Naps for you because Mommies need sleep. Repeat after me…MOMMIES NEED SLEEP. This is so you can function at human capacity, be a better Mommy and feel better about yourself.Start this routine before the baby is born. If you are tired, take a nap!
  • Motherhood is misery peppered with moments of complete bliss.It’s a lot of hard work with no downtime ( and really crappy pay) and anyone who says otherwise is a liar. But the moments of joy, all those moments that overwhelm and eradicate the minutia , they are so big that they fill our hearts like a camels humps and we can live on the joyous moments through the guilt and the self sacrifice and even the tantruming, nothing’s going right..I’m still in my yoga pants from yesterday and my hairs not been washed in a week days. The bliss is ethereal. The misery is relevant. One days misery is another days joy. Embrace it all, every single moment of it because it is fleeting.
  • You will never again think in terms of “Me” and “I”, it will forevermore be “We” and “Us”. It’s not enough that I have become this self-sacrificing, put them ahead of my every want and need, person. Now, when I walk through the stores..even when they are not with me physically, I say “Excuse us”” we would like…”. I get the strangest looks.  Because even though they are not by my side, they have taken up permanent residence in my heart and I am sure they will remain there throughout my time on earth( I wouldn’t have it any other way). I have finally began to emerge from my Mommy coma and remember who I am and what I wanted before they came into my life. But my perspective has changed, all that was SO important to me before is not that important to me now. Things that were completely unimportant are now vital. I have changed. I am constantly evolving.I am realizing that as they grow and need me less, I can claim a little more of my time and thought for myself but they still permeate the very core of all that I do.For example, I write this blog because writing is a passion of mine, always has been. But I write about my life as a Mother, which is directly influenced by them. See how that works:) I guess I can look at it as I have the best of both worlds.It just took me a little while to learn how to exist with a foot in each world without losing my balance and toppling.
  • Motherhood is the most humbling, amazing, insanity inducing experience that one can ever endure with a smile on their face and come out the other end feeling like not only did you survive but you changed the world. When I first thought of becoming a mother, I thought of holding a tiny new baby in my arms and loving it more than anything ever before or since. That I was spot on about. But I never could have imagined the ways in which motherhood has tested me physically, emotionally, mentally, intellectually, and spiritually. It has rocked my very soul. I have been pulled and pushed and stomped and scratched and beaten by motherhood only to emerge, stronger than I EVER thought I was capable of being. Motherhood has taught me that life is unexpected and in the experiencing is the living. We can not plan, organize, chart or will what life will bring to us when we have children. We are at the mercy of our all encompassing mother’s heart. I have been brought to tears by my child’s bravery, a tiny needle in an even tinier vein on my baby’s hand brought me to my knees, jaundice almost sent me into a tailspin, breastfeeding broke my heart, cartoons have made me cry, I have a phobia of raisins because one almost stole my daughter from me. I have gained superhero powers when the moment called for it. I have turned into a mother bear, tiger, and even a helicopter on occasion.I have become pliable where I used to be cut and dry. I have learned that I can bend and twist and stretch and pull and push but I will not break. I have learned that poop can be consumed in small amounts and not kill you. I have learned that pennies can be swallowed an come out the other end. I have learned that pearls, fuscilli, and popcorn kernels all fit perfectly up a child’s nose. I’ve learned that when a phone is in a grown ups hand a child will begin to talk incessantly. I’ve learned that when little people talk, they have a lot to say. I’ve also learned that they are a lot smarter and wiser than we give them credit for being.I’ve learned that when they are hurt or their heart is broken, my heart feels the pain..ten fold. I have learned that I would stop a bullet with my face if it meant keeping my child out of harms way. I’ve learned that if someone rear ends my car with my girls inside, they run the risk of a crazy whip-lashed lady jumping out of the car and attacking them. I’ve learned this and so much more that I’d need to write a book to share it all. But most of all,I’ve learned that MY world is a better place with my girls in it for me to love.

 

Truthful Mommy,My TRUTH about Motherhood

 My TRUTH about Motherhood, My Life

  • Motherhood is hard work.If anyone tells you any different, they are a liar. It is the hardest job that you will ever love. But there are moments when you won’t love it so much.That’s OK. That’s normal.If you loved every single second of every single day of Motherhood, we’d have to assume that you were on a high dose of prescription drugs or Mommy juice and that’s perfectly acceptable at times too. Just always remember, if you love your child unconditionally, do the best you can to teach them to be good people, and keep them healthy and out of harms way…YOU ARE THE BEST MOMMY EVER! (I know this because my girls tell me this daily, between the I hate yous and I love yous!)

P.S. This post originally went live on May 31, 2011 but I needed the reminder of all these things today. It’s a year and a half later and it’s still all relevant. I am guest posting at my friend, Gigi’s today talking about my early onset holiday burnout. She has a wonderful series called Around the Bonfire and asked me to join in. I am honored. Hope you will check it out.

I shared my TRUTH about Motherhood, what is yours?

 

 

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Mommy Moment Monday

Mommy Moment Monday

Last week, was hard to find my Mommy Moment. Bella was having a particularly bad Saturday. I told you all about the depression and bullying last week so I won’t rehash it but, needless to say, she needed some extra love and attention from her mommy.

It gets so easy to reprimand and tell our kids to behave. We sometimes forget that even though they are not toddlers any longer and tantruming because they can’t verbalize, they still have moments where they cannot find the words. We still do this as adults. We have a feeling or an emotion that just overwhelms us and we don’t know how to ask for love, patience, understanding or space and instead we lash out. I know I do.

Bella is only 7 and I think she did a pretty good job of telling me what was wrong. Don’t get me wrong; I had to work for it. I had to ask every question 7 times and in different ways. We were both sitting in my office crying for so many reasons. The thing I am proud of is that I didn’t quit. I will never give up on my children. My faith in them is like my faith in God, unwavering and is born of a love and devotion that cannot be taught but comes from within. A mother’s love runs so deep for her children that it comes from her very root and is tethered to theirs.

In the end, I was rewarded with my daughter telling me what she was feeling. She spoke to me words that broke my heart for the pain she was in, for the knowledge that she felt so overwhelmed at such a young age but it made me aware. I sat there and listened and I hugged my child and told her that it would all be all right because I will do everything in my power to make it so.

This was a mommy moment for me.

The next day, we had a girl’s day out. It was silly and frivolous. We went to lunch at the mall and had Panda Express, the girls’ favorite. We ate it in the food court. I never do this because I don’t enjoy it but they do. So we did on that Sunday.

I took them to Children’s place and we window-shopped and then we bought fun new boots and kids jewelry. Not anything we needed but something they wanted just because. Some times we need to do things just because. There doesn’t always need to be a reason. I want to teach my girls responsibility but I also want them to know that some days you just need to do what feels good, you need to take care of yourself and you are worth it.

We walked around the mall talking and the girls giggling non-stop. I love the sound of their giggles more than just about anything in the world.  We did frivolous things like smell every single scent of hand sanitizers, and I let them help me choose which flavors to buy. We went o the candy shoppe and bought jelly bellies in the flavors of their choice. It was just a handful but it made them so happy to pick what they wanted, to be heard and considered; for their opinion to matter.

Another good mommy moment.

Then we drove home with the windows down, singing Christmas carols at the top of our lungs. Giggles filled the backseat and my mommy heart was happy because I KNEW they were happy and enjoying childhood in those few hours. There was no obligation of schoolwork, rehearsals or cleaning their room. I had no dinner to cook, no deadlines, no house to clean, no bills to worry about just me and my girls having a day out, just because.

When we pulled into the drive, both girls nearly jumped out of the moving car yelling to their dad that they had “the BEST GIRLS DAY EVER!!!” and I was happy because they were happy.

Mommy moments happen when we are not looking because we are always looking for our shortcomings. Take a moment to focus on what you do right. You are a good mom. Hope you will link up this week.

I’m having an issue with Linky tools right now. I can’t wait to read your mommy moment.

What is one of your favorite mommy moments?

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not enough hours in the day, time, motherhood

There are not enough hours in the day. I don’t know when this happened.  When the girls were babies, I thought for sure that I was stretched as thin as I could possibly be. I was always blissfully exhausted. It was all about the babies, all the time. I was neglected. The house was neglected. My husband was even a little neglected but everyone knew and understood…I had babies. So, I got a pass of sorts. There were simply not enough hours in the day to be a good mommy and to be a crack chef with a perfectly cleaned and decorated home. I knew it, my husband knew it and anyone passing by reading the “please don’t ring the doorbell, there’s a sleeping baby in the house” sign KNEW IT!

But a strange phenomenon has happened. I had my children in my 30’s. To me, it didn’t seem old. It seemed logical and, for me, it was the right time.  I just turned 40 and I was all, embrace the change and I am. I am embracing the shit out of 40. I’m squeezing that bitch so hard that her head might pop off. I swear to God, I feel about 30 but I have gathered some wisdom and I actually feel like I am in a better place in life than I actually was at 30. Surprise.

Suddenly there is absolutely not enough hours in the day anymore.

I was just having this discussion with the Big Guy yesterday, our life used to be filled to the hilt in every nook and cranny, oozing babies. Our life revolved around our girls. It had to, how would they survive and thrive if it didn’t? I loved it. Sure, I complained about having no time and no sleep but damn it, I loved every single minute of it. And any mom who has had a child in her 30’s will tell you, they keep us young. Hell yeah, when you are chasing babies and being pregnant, you feel younger because you are at the beginning of that part of your life. Until one day, reality sneaks up on you.

Days are flying by at warp speed.The routine is packed full and many of you probably recognize it because you are living it: wake up, wake kids up, feed kids, get kids to school, have coffee, work, break for lunch, smush as many errands as possible into your lunch break, do laundry, fold laundry, never put laundry away, pick up the house, pick up the kids, do homework with the kids, cook dinner, give kids a bath,5 minutes of idle chit chat with husband, argue kids into bed, take a shower, check on kids, assure kids that if they don’t go to sleep right this instant you are taking away Halloween, remember that you forgot to call your mom back, organize the class Halloween party for both kids, email 30 parents, watch television while checking emails, brush teeth, every other Friday and Tuesday have a quickie with your husband, get interrupted by a child who has woken up,fall asleep, be woken up by your husband to finish, go to the bathroom, go to sleep for 3 hours until the other kid comes in to ask you to walk them back to bed and watch them until thy fall asleep, stumble back to your room, go pee for the 3rd time and then wake up 2 hours later when the damn alarm goes off, REPEAT!

Not enough hours in the day. Not enough years in life.

Next thing you know, you are the oldest mom in the class. Fuck! I hate when that happens. You might not look the part, oh but you feel the part. That moment when your 7-year-old knows all the lyrics and you don’t even know who the hell the artist is, that’s when it hits you. Or when you look at the other moms at pick up and think, Geez there sure are a lot of teen moms at this school. Or when you realize you don’t even know what is hip to wear anymore. You are going between yoga pants and DVF and this other mom is wearing TOMS and skinny jeans. That’s when you know. You are most definitely not in the same place in life. 40 may not be ancient but when the other mothers my age have kids in middle school and mine are in the beginning stages of elementary school. You just know. One day, someone is going to think I am my daughters’ grandma and then I am going to fall down and die…on the spot.

I am 40 years old and there are not enough hours in the day to get everything I need to do done. My life is good. I make a living doing what I love. I have two wonderful kids ( mostly except for the rare occasions everyday at bedtime when their heads spin off and they lose their minds). I’m married to a man that I not only love but honestly, LIKE. I have great friends and I’m finally at a place where I was feeling comfortable in my skin. It lasted almost a month to the day. Then last night I woke up with night sweats and then I realized I did the same thing the night before. Next thing you know, I was up at 3:45 googling night sweats and perimenopause and on the verge of tears.

It was most likely because our room was 107 degrees and one of the littles had found their way into our bed and was snuggled into me but you know, perimenopause is where my optimistic mind went at 3:45 am. There are not enough hours in the day to worry about imaginary problems.

What makes you feel like there are not enough hours in the day?

photo credit: ezra1311 via photopin cc

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moving, motherhood, being sick, new home. relocating

moving, motherhood, being sick, new home. relocating

I’ve been moving and trying not to die. I’ve disappeared off the face of the earth once again. Seems like I’ve been doing that a lot lately. I told you all awhile back that our house sold and that we were closing on a house. It’s all been a cluster, as everything we ever do always is. Long story short, there were foundation issues. So on to the next house. We found another house, made an offer and closed last Friday. We are ecstatic, except for the fact that I have a tradition that I’d love to quit.

This is so sad but true. Just one more verse to what seems like the longest summer and saddest country song ever. I thought  “and my dog died” was the end. I mean, isn’t that the punch line? But no, there is more. We do everything the hard way around here, apparently.  On the day of closing, I woke up so sick that I, quite seriously, thought I would cry. Mind you, this was after a week of a raging case of the stomach flu.

It felt like I had swallowed razor blades. I had gotten no sleep and the pressure and pain in my head was only second to the unrelenting snot that was blocking every possible air passage that I have. I couldn’t breathe people. Just to add an element of surprise, I began randomly vomiting pure foaming snot. Yes, beautiful visual. Think morning sickness with quadruplets and a tequila hangover. It was not pretty folks.
This is not conducive to moving weekend. Did I mention that the last time we moved, I had to do it in the rain, by myself (my husband was out of town) and in the rain? I did.

Moving is hazardous to my health

This time, thank God, I had a team of moving helpers on Friday (my 3 brothers, my sister-in-law, my mother-in-law and my father-in-law and the Big guy) but we didn’t close until 6 pm on Friday night and by the time we got the truck (because it was the last ruck available in the history of the universe) it was almost 8 pm and pouring rain. The truck had to be back by 9 am. You can guess what happened next? Yes, we moved in the rain (again) into the wee hours of the night.

By this point, I couldn’t breathe and I look like a drowned rat. My eyes were sore; my head was aching. I was sure that I had west Nile, the Ebola virus or the freaking bubonic plague. You all know that I seem to catch the most outrageous diseases; whooping cough, herpangina and scarlet fever…all kids diseases, and I have caught them all as an adult since having children. So, it would be perfectly normal for me to assume that I had caught the plague from one of my carrier children via the elementary school aka cootie central. Damn it.

I just knew I was going to die. There was one point Saturday where I was so dizzy and my fever was so high that I swore I saw Jesus, right there in my living room. I’d assumed he’d come to take me and put me out of my misery. No such luck, it was just the appliance deliveryman. Too bad there was nowhere to deliver the appliances, as the kitchen has to be redone. But they are beautiful and shiny, stainless steel. I just wanted to lie against the appliances to cool down before I had a febrile seizure. But I couldn’t because on Saturday, I had to unload two pallets of wood flooring into the house. Never mind, that I was so sick that I could pass out at any moment and my eyes were rolling back into my head. Who cares if I were hacking and yakking on everything in sight? The house has no flooring right now so that took priority.

Just let me say it, Moving Sucks

I received no sympathy from anyone while moving, until Sunday when I could barely get mobile. Then I was told to stay home (because home is still my in laws because we couldn’t move into a house with no functioning kitchen or floors with small children) but it was said with the definite look of  “you should stay home if you are too much of a pussy to work. No problem, we will all work at YOUR house while you sleep in a plague-induced coma”. So, I did what any self –respecting woman would do, I got up, rubbed some dirt on it and took my daughter to the Nutcracker auditions, then picked up lunch for everyone helping with the moving and worked until I literally couldn’t breathe anymore.

Monday, I woke up determined to go to the doctor, the emergency room, anywhere that could prevent my untimely demise. My plan was to go get meds and then sleep until pick up. No such luck. The Big Guy woke up and said he too was sick. I made him go to the doctor. We’re both sick. He has Strep throat (but you’d think he was dying) and I have acute sinusitis with a side of ear infections because I am special. His comment to me on our half-dead ride home, “Man, you really were sick. I don’t feel like moving, just sleeping.”

“Yeah, me too asshole. All three days that I had to move in the rain while trying not to vomit on myself from the snot in my belly and the excruciating pain in my head.”

Next time we move, he’s paying professionals or doing it himself. It’s too hard on my health. But as soon as these antibiotics kick in, I’m moving into my new old house and finally, after 3 years, we will be a normal family again. The kids are ecstatic.

What’s your worst moving story?

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helicopter parent

helicopter parent

I’m a helicopter parent because free range scares me

It’s official I am a helicopter parent. I know the exact moment it happened. I’ve been dipping my toe in the helicopter parenting pool for about 8 years now but I’ve tried to keep from jumping into the deep end. I tried to fool myself into thinking, I had a little bit of free range in me but I was wrong.

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My Daughter

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My Daughter

My New Favorite Photo of My Daughters

That’s my daughter in the water, both of them

That’s my daughter is what I want to scream every single time anyone looks at my daughter, either one of them. Anyone who’s ever had the honor of being the mommy to a daughter knows that our little girls leave us in awe on a daily basis. I can’t even explain the pride and love that I feel for these two little creatures. At their very core, they are pure good. They are everything that I love about the world, about people, even about living. Everything I do is for them.

This past month has been such an emotional roller coaster for so many reasons, least of all because of our miscarriage. I say ours because it wasn’t just my loss. It hurt our family, at it’s core. Thank God,I have so much to be thankful for. I am so freaking blessed that sometimes, I think it’s not fair that I should have so many blessings in my life, especially my daughters and husband. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows over here, hardly. But even when it’s hard, it’s still really, really good because I have the girls and the Big Guy to love me. They love me regardless of the time, day, weather, whether I am fat or skinny. It’s unconditional and that is truly something to be thankful for.

So, I am not going to go on mushy on you and talk about what I’ve lost. I’ve done enough of that. You have all been such a great sounding board. I have shouted profanities at life and collapsed in a pool of snot and tears and I have had so many people to lift me up. I finally feel like I can stand alone and shout my profanities. I know y’all have got my back and I don’t feel sorry for myself anymore. I feel sad at what I will never know and I feel the void but I know that I am strong enough to survive. I know that I am a stronger and better person for having survived it, like so many other shitty things that I have survived.

This is about so much more, this is about my daughters and all the reasons that I had to celebrate this month. No, I am not crazy or delusional and believe me, I didn’t think I could celebrate anything but how could I not. My husband celebrated his 37th birthday. The Big Guy is my soft place to land in a life of never ending rocks and hard places. I celebrate his birth because, he is responsible for my rebirth. He is the part of me that holds me up. He is my foundation.

That’s My Daughter, Who’d Have Ever Thought Her?

I had to celebrate Mother’s day because look at the two daughters I have been blessed with. My girl’s bring me infinite love to give and to receive on a daily basis. They have made me better than I ever could have hoped to be, more than I could have imagined was even possible. With them, my heart grows to the point that it feels like it may swell and burst out of my chest.

The Big Guy and I celebrated 13 years of marriage. This man came into a moment in my life when I was not expecting love. Up until him, what I thought was love was a faint shadow of what love truly is. Love is all consuming and easy. It’s a submission of your heart, body and soul with a complete reciprocation.It’s a soft place to land. It’s good times and bad. It’s the big things and the little things. It’s sharing a near death experience in order to create a perfect, living breathing , walking around and breaking your heart culmination of your love. It’s holding hair, holding hands and holding your heart together with chewing gum when it’s breaking into a million different pieces. It’s silence that fills a room and noise that fills your heart. It’s all day, every day and it is unconditional without reservation, hesitation or question.

We celebrated Gabi’s birthday. My tenderhearted baby turned 5 this past week and if I were on my dying bed, I would will myself up and celebrate that child’s life. She is strong, witty, funny and amazing in ways that I’d never thought about before her. She is my baby and that is worth celebrating. She is here to be held and loved. I will do it every second and in every way for as long as I take breath into my body.

Along with all that, there were end of year programs, preschool graduation, ballet recitals, firsts performances, last days, life and death and through it all, I am so glad that you are here to share it all with. Which reminds me, The TRUTH about Motherhood just turned 3 and Throat Punch Thursday (Which I’ve been too emotionally drained the past month to dole out but will resume next month) is officially 2 years old. I have truly enjoyed getting to know all of you and I look forward to many more years of growing through motherhood and life with you.

What would I do without to you? What would I do without the Big Guy or my daughters? I don’t know and I hope I never do know life without your community, the Big Guy or my daughters.

That’s my Daughter, Every time she fell I caught Her, Every time

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being a mother

being a mother

There truly is an art to being a mother. We may not realize it in all of it’s pulchritudinous as it is happening. There are subtle innuendo and glimpses of grace that shine through when we are not even looking. In the moments before the dawn of motherhood, that moment of darkness before the sunrise, when the grass smells vibrant and the birds are singing their night song, before the world awakes and it is so pitch back out that it seems as if the world will always be devoured by night that is the moment of being a mother when it takes hold and engulfs you completely.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my evolution of being a mother. It still sometimes leaves me in awe and even breathless that I have grown children in my body, nursed them and have the privilege of receiving their plethora of unconditional and unending love. I am truly blessed.

Being a Mother is my Greatest Joy

The art of being a mother is not in the perfection. It lies within the small spaces of imperfection that linger right beneath the all-encompassing gratitude that a parent feels. We spend our days tirelessly toiling in the minutia that is getting to the next moment but the magic is in remembering that even the most mundane is a miracle. Becoming a mother starts with a single biological miracle that takes place within us.

We’ve all had out moments of bitter imperfection. Minutes when we have felt as though the overwhelming prospect of motherhood were too much to bear. We’ve all fallen short of our own expectations of motherhood and felt the suffocating weight of its guilt. Nights spent crying alone because our child is ill and we feel helpless or out of sheer exhaustion because we have not slept through the night in months. There are so many instances in which we feel that we have failed our child in some monumentally catastrophic way but truly we love them so deeply that we are only disappointed with ourselves. No true transgression has really been committed.

Being a Mother is Blissfully Exhausting

The art is in the recovery. The art to being a mother lies in embracing your imperfections and utilizing our gifts. Some of us have strengths that others only dream of having. Being able to drop to your knee and speak in a kind a patient tone is a gift. Being capable of making your children laugh by being silly when they are sad is a gift. Having the ability of stepping out of the situation and seeing it through the eyes of your child is a true gift. Knowing when to hug your child for no reason at all is a gift. Listening to what your child is saying and being present is a gift. Dancing like no one is watching, singing like no one can hear and teaching your children to be themselves, instilling a sense of self- confidence, is a great gift. Knowing in your gut by your child’s demeanor that she has had a rough day and doing something special to cheer her up is a gift. Being present and loving your child unconditionally, every day and in every way are the greatest gifts that any mother can give their child.

Next time that you doubt your success at being a mother, give yourself some credit and take pride in knowing that you love your child. We all have moments of imperfection and no ones does it right all the time. Your children know that you love them and that is something. They see it in the way your eyes light up when you glance upon their faces. They feel it in the way your hugs linger just a little longer than they need to when you say goodbye. They know it by your unexpected actions just to see them smile. They see your sacrifices. The beauty and grace of being a mother resides within all of us.

What do you think is the most important quality needed in being a mother?

Being a Mother is a Gift

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