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Aye Carlitos! The Man, the Myth, the Magic!

by Deborah Cruz


My Hispanic brother, how I long for the days when you were the hot jock in Lucas. The brawny athletic type with a heart of gold. How you made my teen girl heart swoon. I always loved you because you were such a “real” guy. Well, real as far as the men I had grown up around. Of course, most of those losers have ended up in AA! Your behavior was not out of the norm. You were a child star, you didn’t play by the same rules as the rest of us. You never had to. But you took what you had and you made it your bitch. Obviously, somewhere in there, you became a bitching ,totally fricking rock star from Mars. A Warlock with tiger blood and Adonis DNA, some might even say. I know your life is epic and you are proud of who you are and what you’ve done for yourself.I totally respect your crazy strong will and how you have decided to not accept defeat as an option.Go you and your winning attitude! Never let them get you down, Carlitos. So what if you get to play your real life on TV and make 2 million dollars an episode? That’s certainly no reason for people to be “leaving you to twist in the wind like some sucker getting shanked in the yard?” You’re right, they are jealous.Silly mortals.

But I do have to say, I think you are better than this. And I’m led to believe that hookers goddesses don’t make the greatest of housewives.You deserve better, Carlitos..you are a winner. You beat drug addiction by making the conscious choice to will it so. You are awesome. Duh? You’ve done what it takes most mere mortals several attempts at rehab or AA to do! I also don’t think it’s such a good idea to explain your “epic” ordeal with your kids before they reach the teen years. Well, actually after they hit their 20’s that is fodder to be most certainly thrown back into your face. Damn kids, you know how they love to lay on the guilt.Ungrateful little bastards, after you have an entire house full of Goddesses at their beckon call.

TMZ: I met one of your sons on the way in – what do you do when one of your sons comes up and says I wanna try beer, or cocaine?

Sheen: I would strongly recommend against it, but if he wants to try a beer, do it here. At least he’s not drivin’ around like some clown. Like some amateur.

At least you have your priorities straight! No amateurs here. If you’re going to do it, do it right!Go for expert! Go for broke! I like your enthusiasm.

I saw your interview with Rossen on the Today show. How I appreciate your candor and honesty.Awesome that you totally tested “clean” on your drug test..three times according to your TMZ interview. Nothing gnarly about that!Pretty fucking radical if you ask me!  Only 45 and you have totally  harnessed all the secrets of the world. But I am beginning to wonder, if you did indeed test clean, might this small mental “infarction” have been caused by a gnarly case of Syphilis? I mean, not to be rude, but given your history, I think this could be a totally plausible reason behind the behavior. If it is, I think everybody owes you a great big “I’m sorry”. I mean, Syphilis is a real disease not a choice. Either way, I think maybe you should get yourself and the Goddesses tested. Better safe than sorry.Unless of course, you do in fact have a hyper sensitivity to Ambien. “Ambien has a half life of 22000 decades, that might have had something to do with it”( In reference to his watch freak out episode) Which could also very logically explain away the entire situation. Of course, I’m just a lowly mortal housewife…not too epic and Ambien wears off in me in about 10-12 hours. Though, I have been known to do some pretty wacky tweets when all hyped up on Ambien. Who knows how things could have went south if I had the money and genius to take it to the next level? I guess we’ll never know:(

Anyways, just wanted to tell you that we are all pulling for you! I don’t blame you, I’d have no interest in their retarded opinions either. I’d probably have to get down with some crack and booze if I had to spend my days hanging out with Duckie too! They don’t know you! Stay strong, Carlitos and remember “The scoreboard doesn’t lie! Now, flash Mama that “winning” smile of yours!


Truthful Mommy

P.S. Can I bring you a cheeseburger or something? You look a little hungry.

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Abbi 2011/02/28 - 10:05 pm

Absofuckinglutely fantastic. Laughed my ass off. By the way, did you get the video I posted on your Facebook page?

Truthful Mommy 2011/02/28 - 10:08 pm

I will have to go check.FB put me on a timeout!Bastards! It just couldn’t handle all my friending:)
I think Im loving Carlitos even more. The more he talks, the more Im convinced he may be clean…but Syphilis ridden!Either way, he’s making me laugh!LOL

Heather 2011/03/01 - 1:47 pm

Bahahaha. I have no words except LMAO.

Truthful Mommy 2011/03/01 - 2:07 pm

Im really beginning to think he’s not crazy at all but the most media savvy sonofabitch that’s ever walked teh face of the earth with adonis blood coursing through his “winning” veins. Seriously,I think he is one fearless and honest ( in his mind) guy!He’s got freaking balls of steel.LOL Pobre Carlitos!

Abbi 2011/03/01 - 3:29 pm

Ok, just now reposted video to your FB fan page thingy

Carri 2011/03/02 - 9:52 am

Please don’t stop talking, Charlie Sheen. I am LOVING your hot messness as of late!

Coolwhipmom 2011/03/02 - 1:14 pm

Charlie, you are a hot mess, but I still love you.

parenting ad absurdum 2011/03/02 - 1:37 pm

So awesome! I love you, Truthful Mommy!! Now, what I really want to know is what happened to Emilio Estevez? Cause next to Rob Lowe, he was the one that made my heart race…speaking of which, thanks for the warning about tweeting on ambien. Totaly needed that. xoxoxp


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