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Mommy Truisms

With each passing day of Motherhood, I learn more truths about life, motherhood, children, and surprisingly, myself. I’m sure most of you can relate and agree. Some of you may not, but wait, it may be too early in your Mothering to have seen all this come to fruition..but it will.  Happy Mothering!

  • There is no true handbook for labor because no one would believe it.
  • There is no effectively honest handbook about being a Mommy because it is truly an indescribable experience.
  • Sometimes, Mommies just need a hug.
  • Washing your pits, your face, and your feet~ does not a shower make!Make the time Mommies, no one wants to be the stinky mom. And no kid wants to have the stinky mom!
  • Coffee and wine are Mommy versions of reds and Valium.
  • Once you have children, your once beloved pet ( your “first” child) becomes secondary to you and a jungle gym for the kids. No matter how much you loved the dog, no mater how much you spent on doggie clothes, or that Coach doggie collar ( don’t judge me), no matter if that dog even had a middle name and a place at the kitchen table…that dog is now..secondary!
  • Cereal for dinner is perfectly acceptable in a crunch; no Mommy guilt needed. Hell, in a real pinch…string cheese, apple juice, and a piece of peanut butter toast can pass.(that’s what I refer to as the MacGyver dinner) If they are still hungry, give them some cereal:)
  • Kid’s won’t starve themselves; when they are hungry they will eat! Forcing them to eat when they are not hungry is only going to cause chaos, tantrums and unnecessary gray hairs for you.
  • Comparing your children to other children is ridiculous and degrading; don’t do it!
  • A dusty house is infinitely more acceptable than a dirty kid. And there is no excuse for a kid running around in a shitty diaper for prolonged periods of time unless a) your sniffer’s broke b)you are lying dead on the living room floor!
  • It’s perfectly acceptable to fight for yourself as much and as hard as you fight for your children. You are worth it!
  • In Motherhood, most days of life are like a box of chocolates and you never know what great surprise you’re going to get but some days..it’s like a burning bag of shit; and all you can do is take a deep breath, hold your nose and put out the fire.
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prenatal yoga, serenity now, mommy truisms

Mommy truisms ~The truth, the whole truth and nothing but my entire truth. I wish someone would have told me the truth, but I’ m sure I wouldn’t have believed them if they had tried! But no more, I refuse to further take part in the vicious cycle of perpetuating the myth of constant Motherhood bliss by sharing my brutally honest truth about Motherhood!

  • When receiving your epidural during transition labor (first of all, if you are  in transition labor..you’ve missed your window of escaping the ordeal pain free), you certainly do not care what the consequences are of an epidural mishap. Chronic migraines? Possibility of paralysis? Death? Bring it on, at that point anything was better than the pain of my labor!
  • Looking into the eyes of your newborn for the first time is, indeed, a Godlike moment filled with spirituality and you better believe it will change your life forever.
  • A baby changes everything is by far the most honest and underestimated advertising slogan of the century; of all time! Hell yeah; Pregnancy changes everything!
  • No penis ever blacked a fetus’ eye! I promise you, it doesn’t happen ..no matter what your husband wants to believe!
  • Sometimes giving into whining, screaming and tantrums is an absolute must. Do not feel like a failure! Do not beat yourself up over it! Let it go! Serenity now!
  • Mom’s Night out is imperative to your sanity! Do it! Everyone will be happier, your husband will get lucky, and the kids will be glad Mommy has pulled the grouchy stick out of her ass! Trust me, I learned this the hard way!
  • Alone time with your husband is an absolute necessity for the survival of your marriage! Don’t feel guilty, if it weren’t for the love that you two share, those kiddies wouldn’t be here. Love your man, love yourself, love your life and you will be capable of loving your children even more.
  • Sometimes a large glass of wine, after the kids go to bed, is what needs to be done to help you decompress enough to move past all of the chaos of the day. Don’t feel guilty! Keep that damn bottle chilled and when you really need it, uncork it, and sip it until you feel all warm and fuzzy inside and all the shit (literal and metaphorical) from the day falls off of you..like a nightie on your honeymoon.
  • Stay at Home Mom(SAHM) is the most underpaid, overworked, 24/7 job that a woman can ever undertake. It will let you know what you are really made  of. It’s the only job that will take you from the throes of hell to the gates of heaven within a 24 hour period and sometimes simultaneously.
  • Mommies who work outside of the home, they have double the work. We SAHM Mommies may be envious at times because they get to leave the house for a few hours, but then they have to deal with the guilt of leaving their children plus come home and do what we do all day…in 4 hours. So, cut each other some slack, its hard all the way around. There’s no getting around it; raising healthy, happy, intelligent,independent,  socially responsible humans is a lot of hard work! But I believe its worth it because in the end, no money can substitute for what a random “Me Love you MOMMY” feels like. That is priceless!

What are your mommy truisms?

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Here are a few more of my Mommy truisms;

  • Incessant whining can literally cause insanity. I know…I’ve seen it happen!
  • Tantrums are kinda funny, unless they are in public..or its your kid.
  • Spanking children is unacceptable, timeouts are worthless, but threatening that the cops will come works every time in my household.
  • Daddies can change diapers, bathe kids, wipe asses and noses, brush hair and teeth, read books and play with and dress our kids just as well as we can; they just don’t because we  NEVER ask. Relinquish control ladies. You will thank me later!
  • In reference to the previous truism, if Daddy doesn’t perform up to your (probably impossible) standards..Try , try again. If you don’t..that’s what he wants!
  • Grandparents are priceless; live it, love it, learn it!
  • Cheerios, Cheez its, & Goldfish are not acceptable as the norm in your car, your floor , or your bed…it’s nasty. Even if another single adult never gets into your mini van, SUV, Mommy taxi…eventually, you will have to hit a drive thru and some snarky , pimply faced 16 year old will be using you as a cautionary tale. Come on, you don’t want to give them the satisfaction. We already have to live down the whole “MOM Jeans” thing.
  • Even if your kid says “no”, even if you are tired of arguing..brush their hair!You’re the parent and you will be that mom!
  • If you ever want your kids to enjoy religion, please take them to church as children. Learning faith as an adult is so much harder than instilling faith into the heart of a child. It’s like trying to convince an adult that Santa is real!
  • Breastfeeding before your milk comes in, is like spending the day with an insatiable piranha.
  • Labor doesn’t feel like a big cramp (WTF? What crazy drugged out person said this?). It feels a lot more like an angry Ghoulie trying to stab his way out of your lower abdomen with lightening speed and a very dull butcher knife!
  • The ring of fire…well, they don’t relate it to hell because it feels good. It feels like exactly what they call it. I don’t know about you but I don’t want fire anywhere near that region of my body..ever.

Last but not least for tonight,

  • You don’t forget the pain of childbirth…EVER! Those broads that say you do…………………CRAZY LIARS!I found this out the hard way, so I know of which I speak. Happy Mothering!
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