Caroline Berg Eriksen, weight loss, mommy wars, sisterhood

So it happened. You know that moment when something just clicks? Well, yesterday something just clicked. I decided to just do it. I am doing it. This morning was the first day.

I’ve been seeing this photo floating around FB of Caroline Berg Eriksen, the Norwegian soccer wife and fitness blogger, in her undies and bra looking like a svelte supermodel four days after giving birth. People are annoyed by her and asking why she would do something like this. People are pissed off. How dare she look that good 4 days after giving birth! It has to be a fake.

Well, not me. I say, Go GIRL! Hell, I don’t know how she did it. I am assuming that she was in pretty damn good shape before giving birth, being a fitness blogger and all and maybe she just has those good genes. We don’t know her story or her struggles. We just saw a picture and got pissed because life isn’t fair. I won’t lie, I’m a little jealous. She’s got my “after” body. You know the body I “hope” to have after getting in losing weight and getting into shape.

caroline berg eriksen, weight loss, mommy warsMy sister-in-law had 4 kids and after every birth, she looked svelte. Of course, she was an athlete and I was not. Both times, I left the hospital at my pre-pregnancy weight, wearing my regular pants, with a muffin top and the best thing that ever happened to me bundled in my arms. As far as I am concerned, I was the luckiest girl in the world. I wish we didn’t all define ourselves by the size of our asses and that we didn’t always compare the size of our asses to everyone else’s asses, but we do.

All summer, I was very diligent about working out. I was walking/jogging 5 days a week and watching and logging every single morsel of food that went into my mouth. It was becoming a habit; a healthy way of living. For someone who has obsessed over her weight for most of her life and then tried to cheat her way to skinny, a shift in my way of thinking and habits was almost a miracle.  I was embracing it. I felt proud of myself. Hell, I even felt a little sexy which is something I never feel. My clothes were fitting better and life just seemed brighter. If you’ve ever battled with body image, you know that this was not vanity; this was security.

I felt good about myself and that was something foreign to me but it felt good. Then I went to BlogHer and I fell off the wagon. I was eating whatever I wanted, drinking alcohol to be social and snacking on tiny cheeseburgers at all hours of the night. I just wanted to be normal; enjoy my time with my friends and not worry about food. Fucking food is the bane of my existence but I didn’t just fall off the wagon, I went charging off the wagon head first.

I had every intention of getting back on the wagon when I got back home but I never did. I tried but here I am 5 months later confessing that I gained all the weight back. I am disappointed with myself but instead of doing something about it, I just fed my shame with more carbs and it made matters worse. Since Halloween, all bets have been off. My eating habits have been like a runaway train chocked full of poor choices and absolutely NO.EXERCISE! Every day is a perpetual walk of shame. If you’ve ever been heavy or unsatisfied with the skin you live in, you know what I am talking about.

This is a mighty slippery slope for the girl in recovery from Eating Disorders. I’ve caught myself lately thinking; maybe I should just throw that up. Mostly, I don’t but in all honesty, a couple times I have; silently and quietly and then I find myself thinking, I can do this. But I don’t want to and I don’t let myself but right there in my brain, I know the cheater’s solution. I know how to gain control of this runaway train (or maybe just trade it in for a better looking model). I have little girls and my selfish days are long over, I can’t be that horrible example for them. I need to be better than that, in spite of myself. I need to be strong. I need to be healthy.

I’ve had some very inspirational women present in my life lately; my sister with hard work, exercise and a change in eating habits has changed her life. My friend Erin is bravely facing her challenges in life and getting stronger every day. It’s not easy but she is worth fighting for, finally she knows that. My friend Jenni is one of the strongest women I know and she never gives up. She dusts her self off, does what needs to be done and kicks another day’s ass. My friend Niki always keeps going, even when she is too tired and weary to take another step. She stays positive and never loses sight of what’s important. My friends Amy & Jennifer, they are busting their asses and you can see the changes in their bodies, minds and in their spirits. They are happy and determined. All of these women are changing their lives by making the decision to face the hard choices and to take control when the whole damn thing is out of control. They inspire me. I am happy for them. I support them for being their best even at life’s worst an for persevering even when life’s challenges seem insurmountable. I want to do the same.

I don’t need to knock anyone else down in order for me to stand tall. Who cares if Caroline Berg Eriksen looks unnaturally perfect after giving birth, we don’t know how she’s come to where she is in life and we don’t know her struggles and challenges. Truly, I’ve got plenty to worry about in my own house, like my own weight and making sure I am being a good example to my girls, I don’t have the time or energy to be hating on a new mom who looks fantastic. I’m happy for her because I wouldn’t wish unhappiness with your body on anyone.

I am doing it. Today, I made the decision to stop listening to the self defeating voices in my head and know in my heart that I can do this…the right way. Thank you for the inspiration ladies.

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MediGap, elderly, healthcare, 1-800-MediGap

Have you ever had a serious illness and first had to ask yourself, can I afford this? Luckily, we have insurance through the Big Guy’s job that provides us the security of knowing that if we ever, God forbid, find ourselves in a medical pinch, it’s not a big financial deal. Granted no one wants to find themself in an emergency medical crisis like we did a few weeks ago with our Bella but I can’t imagine having to think, “Can we afford this?”

In fact, when we were at the hospital, the doctor “suggested” we take our daughter to have a procedure. My husband and I were baffled because, in our mind, either she needed it or she didn’t. The doctor asked if we wanted to check with our insurance first to see if it was approved and all I thought was, if it’s needed, it’s getting done. If we had to pay for the procedure out of pocket, it’s getting done. No matter what we need to do, we’ll do it to take care of our child but not everyone has that ability and that scares me.

It also made me think of our Great Aunt Maxie, who is an amazing, vibrant woman who just happens to be 85-years-old and in failing health. I’ve had conversations with her in which she has told me that there are procedures that she can’t have because she can’t afford them and I don’t think that it is fair that the world could lose such an amazing woman, who is so full of life and love; a genuinely great woman, just because she has to live on a fixed income. She’s just accepted it and we’ve had to accept the fact that she’s living on borrowed time because she can’t afford any more procedures.

Being poor is not a crime, but taking advantage of the poor should be. We live in a world where health insurance is a luxury for many. Healthcare should be universal human right. Even in the United States our poor and elderly are deprived of health insurance or fall into a situation where the insurance is not enough to cover the care leaving many at the mercy of Medicare and the doctors who don’t want to work for free. Thankfully there are services here like 1-800-MEDIGAP  to help find supplemental insurance to help the elderly get the coverage they need so they don’t have to make the decision between their health and their finances. Every one of us deserves to be healthy; no matter how old or young we may be.

Have you ever found yourself in a position where you seriously had to consider the cost of medical care before the benefit of it? How did you decide what to do?

Disclaimer: This is a sponsored post but all opinions are mine.

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maria kang, fitness mom, fat shaming, what's your excuse?, weight loss, mom

In the past week, I have seen the photo below of fitness mom, Maria Kang, being circulated around the Internet and even on the news. The general consensus seems to be a knee jerk reaction to the “What’s your excuse?” caption that accompanied the photo of a very fit Kang alongside her three little boys. I wonder why the photo above didn’t got viral? Maybe because it was harder to misconstrue.

When I saw the photo below, I was not offended. I wasn’t motivated to workout either but she made me think. Think about what my excuses were and turns out that yes, losing weight is hard and time-consuming but my reasons for still being overweight is just that; an excuse. Well, that and the fact that I screwed my metabolism up with 8 years of eating disorders but I could still definitely be in better shape; probably not Maria Kang shape but definitely the best version of me. I saw a mother who has made sacrifices and has a kick ass body to show for it. Maybe I’m just not willing to make those same sacrifices?

Then I heard the words “fat-shaming” and ”bullying” being thrown around. People like to abuse the word “bullying”. Bullying is an epidemic but unless she was sending this photo to people’s inboxes, spamming them on social media with the photo and the caption, mailing it directly to them habitually or standing outside the McDonald’s taunting “What’s your excuse?” how was she bullying anyone?

It was a photo on her FB page that went viral. People really hate this woman based on this one photo. I don’t like to judge a book solely by its cover so I did a little digging. Plus, I still wasn’t sure if I hated her for being condescending or loved her for being inspirational. I did know one thing, if a stranger yelled that at me, I’d be pissed but if a friend did the same thing and worked her ass off while being a mom and looked like that, I’d be a little bit jealous but mostly, I’d be all “You GO GIRL!”

Maria Kang, What's Your Excuse, fitness, weight loss

I went to her FB page and hey, guess what? The photo links to her blog and her entire story that led up to that photo. I read her story. Imagine that. Turns out our stories are very similar. She’s been heavy. She’s suffered through eating disorders. She gained a lot of weight during pregnancy. She had a metabolism that seemed to have quit. She’d tried every diet under the sun but she kept at it. Kept trying to find a way to get healthy. Then she made the decision to bust her ass and dedicate her life to being physically fit by any means possible. I have no idea where she find’s the time in the day with three small boys but she does.This is something she enjoys. It’s a passion for her.

And that caption “What’s Your Excuse?” She wasn’t fat shaming at all. In fact, she is one of the admins of a closed FB group called the 2013 –No Excuse Mom Challenge and they are participating in the No Excuse program. The tagline? We will achieve our goals…No Excuses! The photo was a progression photo related directly to that. In context, it makes sense. It was actually meant as a motivational tool for a very specific group of women who were in this group and wanted to lose the weight. To them, her photo is inspirational because she is one of them, one of us, and she has done it and if she can do it, maybe they can to?

Maria Kang is just a mom like you and I. Just a normal person who wanted to get into shape. She wanted accountability and support so she started a program and a challenge. She did it. She deserves to show off what all her hard work has gotten her. I’m jealous and after reading her story I.Am.Inspired. Hell, I even signed up to join her group. I want that kind of support. I want to be able to post my own progression photo. She looks happy. Her kids look happy. As long as she doesn’t run up in my face and cruelly taunt me with , ” Look at me! What’s Your Excuse, Fatty?” Live and let live. All I can really say after doing all the research is, “Maria Kang, You GO GIRL!” I have no excuse.

***Update : Yes, I read Ms. Kang’s “apology”. It comes off as assholey but what came first the assholey behavior or was it being attacked that made her react in a defensive way?




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rebel wilson, fat amy, weight loss, weight

Let me start by saying that I think Rebel Wison is awesome. She is hilarious, gorgeous, brave and in your face. Brave because there is no topic she won’t take on. But still, as a woman, our bodies make us vulnerable and criticism is like kryptonite. No matter how hard you try to ignore the commentary outside of your head, the one inside is always worse. She is by far one of my favorite young comedic actresses. But when I look at photos of her, I see a vulnerability; a quiet simmering beneath the bravado. She’s deep.You have to be deep and have known sadness in your life to be funny, it is a fact. Funny is a coping mechanism; it’s a mask. We all wear it from time to time.

Yesterday, I was listening to the radio and the DJs were debating whether or not Australian actress and comedienne, Rebel Wilson should lose weight for money. It is rumored that she is being offered very lucrative deals with weight loss companies to lose weight. They are fighting over her. She’s their white whale; pardon the word choice, because she appears to be so damn comfortable in her own skin. People just can’t understand how a person can be anything other than disgusted by themselves if they are overweight.

I found it peculiar that the DJs thought it was their business to discuss whether or not she should take the deal and even more bizarre that they had an opinion on why she should take the deal. One opinion was to take the money and lose the weight because she is fat and unhealthy and obviously your life is better when you are emaciated. The other opinion was to say screw the cash, Rebel should embrace her girth and be a loud and proud curvy girl. Actually, they demanded that she be fat forever. They were quite indignant that she would even consider losing weight. Had she learned NOTHING from Melissa McCarthy. Embrace your curves, girl. They apparently think that she is actually FAT AMY and it wasn’t just a character she played on the big screen.

rebel wilson, fat amy, weight loss, weight

I am extremely bothered by this because a woman’s weight is not something that should be up for debate or discussion by complete strangers. Just because she is a celebrity doesn’t mean that she completely forfeits her right to privacy. I don’t care if she is too fat or too skinny. Unless it’s your body, keep your damn comments to yourself. No one has the right to pass judgement on your body. You don’t live in her skin. You don’t know her story. Mind your own fucking business. Weight, body size and self-image are all very personal. Do we discuss men’s dick sizes on the radio and whether they should get enlargement surgery or embrace what they were born with? NO, because that would be unsavory and sexist but discussing what a woman should do with her body, her breasts, her uterus are all up for discussion by everyone.

They pointed to Melissa McCarthy as why Rebel Wilson should be proud and obese. Firstly, I don’t think Rebel Wilson is hiding the fact that she is overweight. I believe she has full on embraced it but does that mean she has to be “Fat Amy” for the rest of her life because that’s what we expect? Hell, no! But that doesn’t mean that she needs to be an anorexic either. And if you want to point to Melissa McCarthy as being the obese actress standard let’s not forget about Chris Farley and John Candy. Yeah, overweight comedians are funny with their self-deprecating humor. It gives the rest of us permission to do the unthinkable and cruel, laugh at someone who is fat. It’s mean and it’s none of our business.

Has Melissa McCarthy every said straight out that she loves being overweight? I doubt it. There is a difference between accepting yourself for who you are and loving who you are. Being overweight, for most, is a situation that you learn to live with and make the best of. Losing weight is hard and takes a lot of physical hard work, nutritional commitment, mental determination and dedication of time. My point is this, I don’t know Rebel Wilson personally, I think she is beautiful and funny just as she is. Is it my business whether she loses weight or not? No.

Only one person can decide that because it only affects one person’s life directly, Rebel Wilson. If she is truly happy and healthy at the size she is at, why should she take the deal? But if she is unhappy with her weight, this may be the perfect opportunity to get the help she needs to lose the weight and make some money. But losing weight publicly, just like gaining it, also makes you susceptible to the public’s scrutiny. In a perfect world, her weight shouldn’t be up for discussion; no woman’s should.

rebel wilson, fat amy, weight loss, weight

I just can’t believe that these DJs were talking about her weight, her health, like she was some sort of inanimate object. She is human; she has feelings. She is not just the character Fat Amy. This is a person’s health we are talking about; her life. Can’t we all just mind our own fucking business?


You call yourself Fat Amy?

Yeah, so twig bitches like you don’t do it behind my back!

only someone who’s been overweight understands the double edged cut of this comment. You cut yourself before someone else does but you still die a little on the inside, only its at your own hand.

Throat Punch Thursday, Rebel Wilson, Fat Amy, losing weight for money

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national immunization awareness month, vaccinations, flu shotDid you know that August is National Immunization Awareness Month? Neither did I! It is and whether you believe in getting your children vaccinated or not, there are some things you may need to be aware of. While there are some childhood illnesses that are seldom found in the western world these days, because of vaccinations, there are others that are still very rampant in the world and they do not discriminate by race, color, religion or socioeconomic standing. These illnesses will attack where they can and either you are protected, or you are not. The choice is yours.

Do you get the flu shot? It’s that time of year again, back-to-school otherwise known as Cootiepalooza. Why Cootiepalooza you ask? Well, let’s just say that there is more than just death and taxes that we can count on happening in this life; we can count on back-to-school bringing with it lice, pink eye and the flu. If you have kids preschool through elementary school aged you are acutely aware of what I am talking about. My girls are in first and third grade and since they’ve been in preschool there are two things that I can count on every August; they will be going back to school and we will be getting sick.

Before I had kids, I never got a flu shot. I thought, why would I? The chances of me getting the flu were slim to none though I should have known better since I worked with children. In fact, I had never had the real deal flu until after I had children. While I was pregnant, my Obstetrician strongly suggested that I get the flu shot; “strongly suggested” in the way that a mother strongly suggests that you clean your room if you ever want to see the light of day again. I did it after she explained to me that the flu is more likely to cause severe illness in a pregnant woman than one who is not, that it is safe and that it would protect my baby for the first 6 months of life and, more importantly, babies under the age of 6 months are too young to get the flu vaccine but are also among the most vulnerable to its ill effects. It would have been irresponsible for me to not get the flu vaccination. That was the first time I ever got the flu shot.

Every year after that, my daughters have gotten the flu vaccination with the exception of last year, it completely slipped our minds because we were moving and wellness visits were in May instead of August or September as they normally are. Guess what happened? We all caught the flu. The real deal flu right smack dab in the middle of Nutcracker season. If you have daughters who are ballet dancers, you know what bad timing this was. Aside from the fact that we were bed ridden for 7 days, congested, feverish with cold chills and achy from hair to toenails, we were miserable on every level and our lives came to a screeching halt at the worst possible time of the year. I have never seen my daughters so sick and I never want to again. It was scary. Thankfully, they don’t suffer from any long-term health conditions like asthma or it could have been much worse. They are healthy children and it still knocked them on their butts.

We will all be getting our regularly scheduled flu shots this year, as soon as they are available. Make no mistake the flu is dangerous. Each year about 20,000 children younger than 5 years old are hospitalized from flu complications like pneumonia. You can die from the flu. There is no coming back from death. I can’t justify not taking the chance of stopping something that is so potentially dangerous from happening to my children, especially after seeing firsthand how it wiped them out last winter.

Will you be getting yourself and your children the flu shot this year?


Disclaimer: This is a sponsored post to raise awareness about National Immunization Awareness month but all opinions are my own.

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miscarriage, loss, pregnancy, I forgot, fertility, motherlode,, babble, amy klein, Babble, fertility issues, infertility, Mamlode, Amy KleinDear Babble,

What were you thinking running the article about Motherlode columnist, Amy Klein’s fertility issues, titled Should We Be Sympathetic to a 42-Year-Old’s Fertility Struggles? May I ask, were all the editors on vacation? Was there a hiatus on good judgment and common decency? Seriously, wtf were you thinking? Normally, I am a fan of Babble. Many of my friends write there and generally it’s very PG and non-threatening, a great resource for parents, but this particular post was deplorable. I know from her bio that the author is a comedienne but this shit was not!

And in answer to your “question” …Yeah, Hell Yeah!  You should feel sympathetic to anyone’s fertility issues because it’s a problem for the person who has it whether she is 25 or 45. Just like you should feel sympathy and compassion for a rape victim, no matter what she was wearing, how drunk she was or who she was dry humping the night she was raped. The same reason you feel compassion for patients with cancer, whether they smoked every day of their life, drank themselves into oblivion or played with radiation!

You are sympathetic because you are human and you have compassion to people’s struggles. You are sympathetic because you have not lived in their shoes and don’t know their story. You are sympathetic because you shouldn’t kick a person when they are down. You are sympathetic because you don’t want to be the mean kid on the playground; the bullying asshole that everyone else hates. But, instead, you chose to let one of your writers pen a condescending post on her thoughts on fertility issues, from her fertile high horse. Nice move; not very Disney of you, at all.

“These are the days of ugly emotions. Infertility hijacks your schedule, damages your relationship with your spouse and unleashes in you terrible jealousy of other women, women who conceive easily, without thought, without drugs, without dozens of days lost to medical intervention. Women whose biggest problems are swollen feet.”

Those seem like fighting words coming from a 42-year-old woman trying to get pregnant for the first time, I thought. Surely this woman must understand that at her age fertility problems are to be expected when trying to conceive for the first time. How could she be so angry? Didn’t she see this coming?

Moreover, like so many people do when confronted with this sort of thing, I thought, ”Are we really supposed to feel sorry for a 42-year-old woman who is doing IVF when she could just adopt?”

My head nearly exploded when I read the above part of the article. Let’s be honest, I know all about link bait and controversy. In fact, I am no stranger to controversy and I know I piss people off with my strong opinions on everything from gun control to breastfeeding but I would never make fun of a person who is physically unable to do something like breastfeeding, I don’t poke fun at the mentally ill and I certainly would never interview a mother of a child who found her gun and shot himself and ridicule her because I have one thing that this article lacks; human decency.

The article began dripping of judgment and condescension, on a parenting website. This should be a safe place for moms, not a place to be shamed and ridiculed. Then the author said she was going to give the woman the benefit of an interview, for context and understanding, only the entire interview read like this; ( paraphrased; these are not direct quotes ) To be fair: I do not know this writer or her story or her issues, I am only responding to how the piece was written. She may be perfectly lovely and may have just been having an off day but this is how I felt the piece came off and many of my FB followers agree.

Amy Klein (Interviewee) : Explanation, explanation, and explanation

Author at Babble: (dripping with condescension) You should have tried to get pregnant earlier.

Author at Babble: Why don’t you adopt?

Author: I married young because I knew I wanted to get married and I wanted to have a family. In marrying so young, I made a choice that didn’t work out and I’m now divorced, but I have a beautiful daughter. It seems that often women are cornered in these ways: wait to find someone you feel truly compatible with and enter a marriage you feel as certain as possible will last but then deal with potential fertility issues, or marry young and take your chances when you’re still quite fertile. Not that it’s always an either/or situation, but still. Based on the way things have played out for you, what advice would you give to younger women when it comes to love/marriage/babies? I mentioned on Facebook a while back that women should take the time they need to try to find a truly healthy love relationship, but that if they don’t find a great partner by their mid-30′s, they should just have a baby alone.


Author at Babble: That’s why I had my baby when I was young and fertile. I am divorced now, but I have my kid. Maybe you should have thought about all of this 20 years ago…when you were still fertile.

Amy Klein (exhausted and demeaned): Goes Home.

Please, Please, Please editors, read posts before they go live. Babble, I expected more from you. We all do. This post has left a bad taste in my mouth for Babble and I am sure it has for other readers, as well. Try a little human kindness when addressing the issue of fertility.


Truthful Mommy

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thigh gap, body image

This is where it starts: the coveted thigh gap. What the fuck is the thigh gap and how can I get one is what many teens are asking after seeing a recent segment on ABC that suggests that the thigh gap is the it status symbol this season for teen girls. I am here to tell you that the thigh gap is nothing new. Girls have been in pursuit of the thigh gap since the beginning of time. How do I know? Well, I was one of the chosen who had a thigh gap in my early 20’s. It was hard earned and I was proud of it.

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new baby smell, wanting another baby, unexpected pregnancy, midlife

baby, planned parenthood, post-birth abortionPlanned Parenthood may single handedly end legal abortion with their opposition to the Infants Born Alive Act in the name of post-birth abortions.Politicians in Florida are currently debating whether or not to pass the Infants Born Alive Act, which would require physicians to give life saving medical attention to babies born alive after a botched abortion. Planned Parenthood says no. What? How can we even be having this conversation? If a baby can survive an abortion, then I say let that baby live. That kid’s a miracle and surely God, or the universe or whatever you choose to believe in, has big plans for that kid.

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what its like to have an eating disorder, are eating disorders hereditary, skinny, vanity, weight loss, are eating disorders genetic? , raising girls, tweens, eating disorder, bulimarexia, eating disorders, anorexia, weight

Ever wonder what it’s like to have an eating disorder? It’s sad. If the eating disorders don’t kill you, the loneliness will. As I stood there looking in the mirror, facing the truth of my anorexic reflection I realized that I hated what I saw. As long as I could remember, I had never liked what I saw staring back at me in the mirror. Sure, if I tried really hard I could find one thing that was tolerable. One thing that was passable as average, but mostly I disgusted myself. The eating disorders had taken hold of me and now I was down the rabbit hole and sinking faster and faster into some alternative universe where nothing made sense and everything was upside down.

READ ALSO: Are Eating Disorders Genetic?

Logically, I knew that the khakis that I wore to work were so big that I had started wearing long johns under my uniform just to appear larger than I was which was ironic because I was severely restricting what I ate in order to lose weight.

I know what it’s like to have an eating disorder. I knew I was anorexic. It wasn’t a secret to me.

On some level, I knew that I was severely underweight but I wasn’t going to admit it, not even to myself. Admitting that I was at an acceptable weight or below without feeling happy, complete with myself, meant failure; failure at keeping control of my life. I knew that if I lost the tiniest bit of control of the runaway train that was my life, the entire thing would derail.

It’s hard to go full-on all the time. I was going to university full time, working full time, living in a large city away from all of my family and friends. I had bit off more than I could chew but I wasn’t ready to admit that I had eating disorders. I’d rather die than admit failure. Funny how I never knew what that statement truly meant before that very moment.

READ ALSO: Netflix’s Bones realistically portrays life with eating disorders

I’d left behind my entire life; my family, my friends, my boyfriend. I did all of this to run away from my life, thinking that if I got far enough away from it all, everything would work itself out but it didn’t. Feeling out of control and overwhelmed, nothing was working out the way I had planned it to be. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get it all back on track so I restricted and micromanaged in the only place I still had complete control; my food. I clung to my eating disorders for dear life, ironic since they were killing me.

Being a girl with eating disorders became the only description of myself that I recognized myself. It defined my existence.

I’d started restricting a couple of years prior but I’d been caught. It was embarrassing and I promised to stop but I never did. I couldn’t. If I would have let the chaos in for a second, my entire world have unraveled and it was pretty much held together by a stick of bubblegum and a prayer as it was so for 8 years, I hid what I was doing. I felt like a fraud.

It was the one secret that I couldn’t share with anyone because they’d try to save me from myself. I didn’t want to be saved. Or maybe I did but I wasn’t willing to turn my life over to someone else to save. I thought I had it under control. I didn’t.

READ ALSO: Eating Disorders Affect More than Just Your Body

I spent my days hiding the real me from everyone who cared about me.  This made me bitter and angry. Why couldn’t they just accept me as I was? Why’d they try to change me? Why must they try to stop me? Didn’t they realize that this was the only thing that had gotten me through? I wore my thigh gap with hard-earned pride, why were they trying to take this small victory from me?

My eating disorders made me feel in control.

I needed to restrict to feel normal and the threat that someone would try to make me stop sent me into personal seclusion, becoming prone to crying inexplicably and blowing up for no apparent reason. Most days, I straddled between the reality of my disease and the delusion that it would all end up fine. Stupidly, I held on to that delusion like I was drowning and it was my only salvation.

READ ALSO: All Little Girls think they’re Fat

To let reality in, to let anyone in, meant to face the fact that I had already lost all control. Then one day, when I was at my bottom, the delusion was sweeping me away and drowning me but reality kept whispering in my ear, “This will be the last time. This is your last chance to save yourself.” That’s when I knew the eating disorders had to end.

I relinquished control. It wasn’t taken from me. I gave it up. My only real choice was that I had to give myself over to something bigger than myself, to be honest, and start fresh. Eating disorders are lonely and isolating. I just wanted to be free of the shackles of the lies. Hopeful, I wanted to live and love and grow old and that was not going to happen if I didn’t give up control of my runaway life. Embracing the chaos and facing my fears was my only option. None of that was going to happen if I was dead.

Eating Disorders will kill you if you don’t stop. Ask for help.

If you know someone who has eating disorders or suspect that your child might be headed down that road, I’ve written a checklist of warning signs that you might not have otherwise known to look for. Eating disorders no matter how inconsequential they may seem at first can quickly spiral out of control. Never ignore the signs because if you do, it may be too late to save your child.

This is just one day in the life of a girl with eating disorders, imagine how hard it is to live that life day after day with no end in sight?

This is what it is like in the day of a girl with eating disorders.

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cancer, cervical biopsy, when cancer's on the table, waiting for biopsy results, FemiLift, vaginal lift, pap smear, cervix, xanax, miscarriage

My cervix and I had my yearly this morning. I kinda hate it because I have an abnormally deep cervix and so they have to use the world’s largest speculum and push really hard and they call in interns to show them my really deep cervix so that they can marvel at how deep I am. I lie there twiddling my thumbs, while 17 strangers marvel at my vagina, praying that my landscaping job was up to par, as it is now on display. It’s awesome. Who wouldn’t be ecstatic to do that?

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