Category:

Health

cancer, cervical biopsy, when cancer's on the table, waiting for biopsy results, FemiLift, vaginal lift, pap smear, cervix, xanax, miscarriage

My cervix and I had my yearly this morning. I kinda hate it because I have an abnormally deep cervix and so they have to use the world’s largest speculum and push really hard and they call in interns to show them my really deep cervix so that they can marvel at how deep I am. I lie there twiddling my thumbs, while 17 strangers marvel at my vagina, praying that my landscaping job was up to par, as it is now on display. It’s awesome. Who wouldn’t be ecstatic to do that?

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A miracle has happened. I’d call it a Christmas miracle, but it happened after Christmas so I will call it my 2013 miracle. What a way to start the year.

After being diagnosed with a raging case of body dysmorphic disorder in my teens, I was told by my psychiatrist that I would never be able to believe what I saw in the mirror. She told me that I literally could never trust my own eyes when I look at myself. I have to admit; I thought she was the one who was crazy. I knew what I saw in the mirror. I have 20/20 vision.

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bulimarexia, eating disorder, weight, health

Here, I thought I needed to lose 30 more pounds

I saw a girl who always had to lose 5-10 more pounds. Yes, even when I was in the throes of the bulimarexia and weighed 107 pounds soaking wet. I can’t believe I just told you that. I’ve never admitted to anyone that my 5’7.5” frame ever weighed under 113 pounds. Anyways, I always saw myself as needing to lose 30 more pounds. I’d only ever say 5-10 pounds out loud because even though I knew what I was supposed to weigh and I was underweight for my height, I never felt satisfied. I felt like I should do more. I’ve felt this way for as long as I can remember. This may sound familiar to some of you.

I stopped vomiting and I stopped restricting because I wanted to live but I’ve always felt like I had failed. I guess the only weigh I could have truly succeeded, in my warped mind, was to have died. Sounds crazy right? I’ve been in recovery for 15 years (I will be for the rest of my life) and yet you are never truly “well”. It’s a way of thinking; a belief system. It isn’t about beauty or thinness really, it becomes about controlling your life. I think mine has a lot to do with feeling so helpless and out of control as a child. I needed to be in charge of my life in some way.

Something truly miraculous happened for me the other night. My daughter took a candid shot of my dog sitting behind me as I knelt on the floor. Most normal people saw the dog and thought what a cute dog. Me, I saw the photo and was immediately struck by how average my ass looked in the photo. It didn’t look like the broad side of the Titanic that I was convinced it was. There it sat, my ass, not as fat and distorted, as I once was convinced it was. I felt almost prideful. Was this progress? Is the disorder finally losing its grip on me?

I don’t feel skinny by any means. I know I need to lose about 80 pounds. But my ass is nowhere near the size I had suspected all these years. It caused a revelation.

There will be no resolutions to loose a hundred pounds this year.

I lived through 8 years of eating disorders and my metabolism is screwed up. I’ve tried a lot of diets and weight loss programs and I never get past the initial 20-25 pounds  of weight loss.

I’ve decided that it’s time to commit to loving myself unconditionally. I want to feel sexy again. I want to say, “YES, HELL YES I will take a shower with you” the next time my husband asks me rather than ignoring him and hoping he will forget because I feel so unattractive in my own body.

I am going to go the Hospital’s weight management center. I’m going to honestly tell them my whole entire sorted past with food. I’m going to give them my diagnosis. I am going to purge my soul and then I am going to let them help me, help myself. My butt is nowhere as big as I have imagined it to be for all these years and the fact that I can see that and recognize that, is a miracle for me.

I’m turning my life over to something larger than myself. I want to be honest and open and the only resolution I have is to get rid of the god damned yoga pants once and for all and I’d love for my thighs not to rub together anymore. Everything else is going to be gravy.

2013 is the year I get my life back form me. My Dysmorphia has been holding me hostage and I am breaking free. I am fighting my way out from underneath all of this weight.

My goal for this year is to not be held back by anything; not weight, fear, circumstances or condition. My goal is just to be happy with who I am.

Happiest of New Years and may you all be filled with contentment and satisfaction in who you are. May you see yourself the way your children see you, perfect and beautiful because you are.[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

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Flupocalypse

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Flupocalypse

This is as good as it gets at pick up during flupocalypse 2012

While we’ve all been waiting patiently to see whether or not the Mayans were right and we are on the brink of an apocalypse come December 21, my household has come under fire early in it’s own apocalypse of sorts; Flupocalypse 2012.

It’s been a long time since I have had the true, honest to goodness flu. Sure, I have had bouts of the 24 hour stomach variety and God knows I’ve experienced my fair share of head colds and sinus infections. Hell, I am the poster child for sinus infections. I am an ENT’s wet dream. But the flu, that is a beast of another variety.

The Big Guy and Gabs were home sick all of last week. I mean in the bed, couldn’t move, wouldn’t eat, looking like they were as close to miserable as they could get. I tended to them both and there were a lot of late nights taking temperatures and getting vomited on. There were a couple nights there where Gabs had me awake almost constantly between her coughing, temperature taking and blowing her nose and administering meds and giving cuddles and there is wherein my fatal mistake was made. I neglected myself and by Friday morning, I was bed ridden.

I am not joking. I am like a bull, you can’t keep me down. I don’t take naps or lay in bed unless it is the middle of the night but Friday morning, I was done. I had a fever of 103 for almost 3 days, which may not seem very high but I normally run about 96 degrees so it was fairly high for me.My throat felt like razor blades were run down the back of it and I was coughing up phlegm by the buckets. I was severely congested, I lost my voice, my head hurt form sinus pressure. I was vomiting from drainage and worst of all, my skin hurt for even my clothes to touch me. I was in excruciating pain from head to toe. The only salvation I found was ibuprofen, gallons of water, Mucinex and Wal-Flu ( apparently they took theraflu off the shelves) whatever it was, it worked. I’ll be honest, I was in so much pain I would have drank monkey piss if it made me feel better.Thank heavens it didn’t come to that.

Finally, this morning ( Tuesday) 5 days after the flupocalypse descended upon me, I can finally sit upright. Of course, I got a little too overexcited this morning and thought maybe I should eat something, seeing as how I have lost 7 pounds in the past 5 days. I drank a glass of orange juice. Yes, I do realize in retrospect that this was not a good idea because almost immediately after swallowing it I was doubled over in the fetal position for the next 15 minutes trying to recover. It was liking throwing acid onto an open wound. It was stupid and I don’t recommend it. Back to crackers and broth.

Anyways, I am on the mend I just wanted to let y’all know why I have been missing in action over the past few days. Thankfully, I think Flupocalypse has lifted with the exception of a little congestion and a hoarse voice and I’m still a little weak, probably from the forced starvation. Now, if I can just survive past December 21, 2012.

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Stella Boonshoft. self-image, body awareness

Stella Boonshoft. self-image, body awareness

Stella Boonshoft; You Rock my Socks Off

Stella Boonshoft a New York University student  took this photograph of herself in a bikini and posted it on her Tumblr account, The Body Love Blog.

Photographer Brandon Stanton then published the same image on his Facebook fan site, Humans of New York on Thursday, where it has since garnered 455,000 likes and been shared 20,000 times.

The image of Stella Boonshoft in her bikini has sparked a debate about body image and traditional notions of beauty, with some people congratulating Boonshoft and calling her an inspiration, and others criticizing the image for promoting obesity.

I don’t know about you but, as a woman who pretty much looks exactly like this in my own bikini right now and has battled with crappy eating disorders and been plagued with body dysmorphic disorder, this photo gives me hope. I am inspired by her tenacity and proud to know that there are women out there who are trying to change the status quo. I’m not saying that I want to live in a world where it’s accepted that people are unhealthy. I want better for people. I want them to be able to be healthy and fit but more than that, I want to raise my girls in a world where it’s okay to love yourself even if you are not a size 0. We need more role models.

I can’t be a role model. I am not that comfortable in my own skin. I try to be. I try to accept who I am but I have a long ways to go. I KNOW that I am blessed to be healthy and my worth is not in the size of my pants but this girl inspires me, which is exactly what she set out to do for women everywhere.

 

Stella Boonshoft Super hero to Young Women

“I know what I am trying to do, which is help young women struggling with their body image and expose the hypocrisy and cruelty that is size-ism,” she says on her site. “[fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][I know that] is SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT [than] whatever feelings I may have about myself.”

‘THIS IS MY BODY, DEAL WITH IT’ : Stella Boonshoft in her own words

‘WARNING: Picture might be considered obscene because subject is not thin. And we all know that only skinny people can show their stomachs and celebrate themselves. Well I’m not going to stand for that. This is my body. Not yours. MINE. Meaning the choices I make about it, are none of your … business. Meaning my size, is none of your … business.

 I wish there were more women like you in the world. You go Stella Boonshoft.

What do you think of Stella Boonshoft’s dare to be honest bikini photo?

 

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shark week, Snow White, Disney World, Magic Kingdom, Orlando, Florida

shark week, sharks, mentruation, PMS, women,shark attack, shark facts

Vacation Shark Week is Deadly

For all the men, the Shark Week Sneak is like the quarterback sneak only much more bloody and without purpose. For some insane reason, I don’t know why other than my body and all that is holy, shark week for me always falls on a holiday, a vacation, a wedding or when I visit my mother-in-law, who scolds me for flushing tampons for fear that I will make the septic tank system explode and kill everyone within a 100 mile radius, but that’s another post entirely. Think Chernobyl of the cotton and bloody kind. Why I thought my first family vacation in 8 years would be an exception, I don’t know. To top it all off, it was my first shark week since February so it’s a doozie. We are talking no holds barred, tiny midgets chewing on your ovaries, two tampons and a mega MAXIPAD every hour. Not mini, not thin, there were no angel wings. Just me, an untapped hemorrhage and an adult diaper.Yeah, THAT kind of shark week.

And to make matters worse, it happened on the one week of the year when it was damn near guaranteed that I had to be in a bathing suit every day and walking around for hours on end at the fucking happiest damn place on earth. I was not so happy. I wanted to kill every lazy overweight person I saw that was riding a scooter because they were too damn lazy to walk.I was hemorrhaging and dying and my bloated ass still walked for 14 hours a day and don’t get me started on the stupid parents who stopped short on a path to scold their child who they refused to rent a stroller for. I was ready to go full on bat-shit crazy in the middle of Disney World. On the other hand, the Big Guy was about to commit a homicide if I rolled my eyes at him one more time. I couldn’t help it. Shark week had me in it’s clutches and was shaking me around like a crackheaded mother trying to quiet it’s crying baby. It’s a wonder my eyes didn’t roll right out of my head. He should be lucky I didn’t fashion a shiv out of my $100 bottle of Disney World water and stab him in the eye. I could have been a blood bath on a much larger scale.

shark week, Snow White, Disney World, Magic Kingdom, Orlando, Florida

Shark Week almost Killed Snow White

Don’t get me started on trudging through Disney World and meeting all of those mother effing happy princesses. So beautiful but for the love of God, what’s up with those squeaky voices. Oh yeah, I’m looking at you Cinderella! It was like nails on a chalkboard and teeth on Styrofoam rolled into one and all I wanted to do was take my kids light-up Jedi sword and club Snow White to death. But I didn’t. I carried on and played nice because I wanted my girls to remember their first trip to the happiest on earth fondly, not refer to it as that one time that Mommy got us all kicked out of Disney world for having a boot party on Belle or pulling Rapunzel’s hair around her neck and choking that bitch out because she just wouldn’t stop smiling.

No, in the end, I smiled and laughed and I even played in the rain and walked in a parade. I may have accidentally tripped the woman who pushed my little girl out of the way so that she could watch the parade herself but I’m pretty sure any self-respecting mom would have done the same, even if she were not hemorrhaging. Shark week came in with a vengeance to make up for lost time but it’s done and over with. We all survived. Of course, we are moving this weekend. I am bloated, achy, irritable and eating every single carb in sight. I am thankful for one thing though, I won’t be stuck listening to It’s a Small World stuck on repeat. Shark week should be spent with the ones you love, making them miserable too, not hating poor unsuspecting strangers.

What’s your most memorable shark week story?

Shark Week Not for the Weak

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heart health, #Nourishwhatcounts

#NourishWhatCounts ~ Since starting the Quaker Heart Health Challenge, earlier this month, I have lost 10 pounds by simply changing my diet and being more aware of my portion sizes and of what I am putting into my mouth. It sounds simple but it does take a little thought and preparation.

I have also started riding the recumbent bike several times a week. I can always feel a difference when I workout. I like to do it in the morning. It always helps me to start the day with a clear head and a little extra energy. Plus, when I get up and work out, I go through my day feeling like I accomplished something. It always makes me feel more self-confident to be proactive. Getting up and moving doesn’t have to be getting up anf running a marathon, it just needs to be doing something active, preferably fun.

heart health, #Nourishwhatcounts

#NourishWhatCounts: Your Body

Unfortunately, I have been really ill with walking pneumonia for the past week and have not been able to work out. I miss the endorphin rush but I know that being this ill, if I tried to ride the recumbent bike I’d probably pass out and most likely need a breathing treatment of some sort afterwards.

I’m human and I need to be able to have these setbacks and then resume my routine when I am healthy enough to do so. I think many of us get so focused on the end goal that we sometimes keep going when what we really need is a break. In the long run, it’s better for me to sit out a few days and get well than to make myself even more ill, resulting in an even greater loss of time.

#NourishWhatCounts: Your Mind

I’ve learned that to be truly healthy, it is not just about exercising or nourishing your body, you have to exercise your mind and nourish your soul, as well. By simply being aware of this fact, it has made the entire challenge more fulfilling.

If you want to get healthy, why not join me in the MapMyFitness Quaker Challenge. You deserve it.

February is National Heart Health month. Even if it’s only 5 more minutes a day, what extra step will you take to stay fit?

For your chance to win $750 complete these two steps:

1.Share the challenge with your friends
2.Tell us that you’ve invited your friends to join the challenge AND share the extra step you’ll take to stay fit below

This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of Quaker Oats Company. The opinions and text are all mine. Official Sweepstakes Rules.

#NourishWhatCounts: Your Soul

Photo Credit: Vestman

 

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virginia ultrasound law, government, abortion

virginia ultrasound law, government, abortion

Virginia Ultrasound Law ~Women have rights too

Virginia Ultrasound Law~The last time I checked, forcibly penetrating a woman’s body with a foreign object without consent was considered rape.
The unlawful compelling of a person through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse.
Any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.

I just read the article about Virginia’s proposed ultrasound law. We’ve all known that Virginia was anti-abortion. The Virginia Ultrasound law mandates that a woman seeking an abortion be given a transvaginal ultrasound for no medical reason before being allowed to have the abortion procedure itself. As a woman of childbearing age, I am flabbergasted. As a mother of daughters, I am outraged. Apparently, under new Virginia legislation, in an effort to reduce the number of abortions performed in Virginia ( and shame women), the state is trying to implement the law that will require any woman seeking an abortion be forced to first surrender her dignity. Forced, not asked, to submit to a transvaginal ultrasound. To lay quietly on a cold medical table and accept her punishment like the villainous whore that Virginia government believes her to be, as she is violated to the full extent of the law. I wonder, will they brand her too?

This clear violation of human rights is government sanctioned rape. I understand why these men in power are trying to implement this law. Obviously, these assholes think that women are such overly emotional and low intelligence creatures that we don’t fully comprehend the weight of abortion. That we make a rash decision and if we could only be forced to look at the face of our unborn child or hear it’s heartbeat, we would crumble, fall to the ground and see the error of our wicked ways.

Do men not understand what a hard emotional, physical and spiritual decision abortion is? It is not one that any woman enters into lightly. It’s not like changing your panties or deciding what to have for lunch. It requires deep thought and due diligence and I’ve never known a woman who has had an abortion on a whim.

First of all, I’ve had a transvaginal ultrasound with my first pregnancy at 8 weeks due to some unexplained bleeding. I remember lying there frightened, holding back the tears as my eyes stung from the pain and violation that I was enduring. It is humiliating to lay there as some technician or doctor, fondles around inside your vagina pushing and prodding. It is a very dehumanizing experience.

A transvaginal ultrasound looks like a giant dildo and to get an accurate reading, it gets moved around and shoved internally pretty far. It should only be done in cases where the baby or mother may be at risk. No one should ever be forced, by the law, to endure this humiliating and extremely uncomfortable violation in the name of a slap on your wrist.

Virginia Ultrasound Law; More than an Intervention

Women are not children. We do not need a man to teach us how to behave or to force us into submission. We have thoughts and feelings. The implementation of the Virginia Ultrasound law takes away a woman’s basic human right.

Why do men think it is their God given right to force women to bend to their will? Should we have our choices taken away and be punished for being sexually active? Because we have a vagina does that make us subhuman? Are we less important or vital than a man?

The government is supposed to be for the people and by the people? Do those “people” only include those who have penises between their legs? I’ve got news for you, the people with the vaginas, we vote too? We are the people. We are the people who create the people. Without, we ‘people’ there would be none of ‘you’ people!

I find this Virginia Ultrasound law to be unconstitutional, shameful and appalling. Government has no business between a woman’s legs. Either side you fall on the abortion debate, do you think government should be able to forcibly administer a transvaginal ultrasound? What next, administering unnecessary colonoscopies for women who want to have their tubes tied? Forcing women known to engage in fellatio to submit to an endoscopy? What’s too far? How do we stop the Virginia Ultrasound law from setting a precedent that government can mandate what we do with out bodies?

The Virginia Ultrasound law rapes the American People

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Healthy Heart

Healthy is as healthy does ~I am turning 40 in September. Go ahead, gasp in shock. I know you can’t believe that I am that old. I can hardly believe it myself. As many of you know, I have spent most of my life with severe body issues and eating disorders.

This year, I have decided that I need to face my fears and move passed them. I am embracing who I am and really trying to get healthy and learn to live in my skin. I am trying to learn to love my body and I want to live a long time to enjoy my life with my husband and children.

Body used to mean what I looked like physically. That was all it meant. I had a specific idea in mind that I needed to achieve and I would do so at all cost. I did so at great cost but I have daughters now.

Now, my body is what will carry me through their lifetime. My body needs to be healthy and strong so that I can be around to cry at their weddings, share in their accomplishments, be in awe of their miracles. I want to be there for all of it, more than anything else in this world.

Healthy Mind

I have decided to join the Map My Fitness Quaker Heart Health Challenge, to ensure that I am healthy and happy for many years to come; to enjoy my marriage and my children. I want to be around to enjoy the life we’ve built. The life we planned for. The life we deserve.

The challenge is to simply complete 15 workouts in 30 days. it doesn’t have to be extreme , you only need to commit to getting up and moving. I am eating healthier and committing to riding my recumbent bike for 45 minutes four times a week over the next 30 days.

What can you do to get healthier in the next 30 days? Won’t you join me?

Joining the Map My Fitness Quaker Heart Health Challenge is my first step towards becoming a healthier me. Now I’m curious to know, what motivates you to stay healthy?

For your chance to win $750 complete these two steps:

1.Share the Challenge with your friends
2.Tell us that you’ve invited your friends to join the Challenge AND share what motivates you to stay healthy below

This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of Quaker Oats Company. The opinions and text are all mine. Official Sweepstakes Rules. Don’t we all deserve to be healthy?

Healthy Soul

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anorexia, bulimarexia, eating disorders, national eating disorders week

Bulimarexia is an eating disorder distinguished by a combination of the symptoms prevalent in both anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa; develops primarily in teenage and young adult females. It is hard to treat because of having symptoms of both diseases.

Patients with bulimarexia usually have poor self-esteem and a distorted body image. Women are more likely to develop this condition. The patient engages in an aggressive campaign designed to generate weight loss and falls into a cyclical pattern of disordered eating. This can include prolonged fasting accompanied with the use of medications like diuretics to try and lose weight, followed by a binging and purging cycle where the patient eats large amounts of food and vomits.

Health risks with bulimarexia are considerable. Patients can develop organ damage as a result of the extreme stress on the body along with issues like damage to the enamel on the teeth and reduction in bone mass leading to an increased susceptibility to fractures. Comorbidities like depression can be observed and patients may overexercise, putting additional strain on the body. Patients with bulimarexia can lose weight precipitously and will still report dissatisfaction with their appearance.

Bulimarexia, eating disorders, anorexia, bulimia, restriting, body image

The photo above is what it feels like to have an eating disorder diagnosis. You feel alone, sad, your life feels hazy and you become a slave to your disease. You are hungry and unsatisfied. Unsatisfied with your body and there is a hunger within that is never fulfilled. Your disease becomes all consuming.

I hear people throw around the term anorexic and bulimic with no weight. These are two very serious diseases. They are more than simply not eating or binging and purging. They are punishment for a crime we didn’t commit. We punish ourselves for eating; the very thing that is needed to sustain us. It’s self-loathing. Can you imagine how that feels? Can you imagine hating the skin you are in so much, wanting to be in control of your body so badly, that you are willing to go to any lengths and risk any consequence to have that feeling of just being normal?

I do. I had what is now referred to as Bulimarexia for 8 years. I started off like most teen girls, hypersensitive to the criticism of others because of the already established need to be perfect set forth by magazines and television. My dad made a comment in passing that I needed to “run more”. He is an avid runner. This went into my ears, entered my brain and got twisted into ” You are fat. You are not good enough. If you were thinner, you would be better. I could love you more. YOU.NEED.TO.RUN!”

I went on my first diet at 12. I think it was about 5 minutes after my dad made his comment.

This went on for about 6 years. Me fighting my body to keep my curves from becoming too pronounced. By the way, I was 5’7″ and a size 8-10 in high school. I think at my absolute heaviest in high school was about 130 pounds. I thought I was huge.

Then before I left for college, everyone I encountered reminded me of the freshman fifteen (I was too young and naive to realize that the fifteen was caused by alcohol intake, not food) and every girl we knew left thin and by Thanksgiving returned, at least fifteen pounds heavier. This scared me to death.

Aside from leaving my family for the first time ever, leaving my boyfriend, 20 poundmy friends, my hometown and going to a new city, living on my own and being completely out of my comfort zone; I felt out of control. There was no way that I was letting my weight get out of control. I had to control it. I had to control something. I restricted my calories to about 600 calories a day (max)  and proceeded to throw up everything I took in (including water) and exercise for at least 2 hours a day. I remember heading down to the dorm gym in the basement at 10 pm, alone, and not returning to my room until midnight. I did a lot of things alone in those days. This started the fall I turned 18.

This is Bulimarexia

This continued for 8 years.

I was caught by a friend of mine once the first year. My parents found out. All the baggy sweatshirts and loose jeans can’t20-poundweight loss on an already average sized body. I had to return home from school mid-semester.

Even after I was caught, I never quit the bulimarexia. By that point, it was my trusted friend. I relied upon it. It was my routine. It was my safety. I didn’t care about the ramifications. I was in too deep to stop.

I got sneakier. I learned to pretend to eat and move my food around on my plate, eat off of smaller plates. I learned how to vomit silently and hide the evidence. I learned what was easier to digest and what tasted better coming up, what got hung in your throat and what did not. I learned a lot of ways to do this that I won’t share here because it would be irresponsible for me to share the intricacies of bulimarexia with you here. I don’t know who could be reading this and I refuse to give detailed instruction on how to kill yourself.

Eventually, I allowed myself to eat more and vomit more. It became the norm for me to vomit 5 times a day; some days as many times as 10 but usually no less than 5.  I never really ever binge ate. Binging, to me, was weak. It lacked self-control. I remember being tired a lot, cold ( bad circulation and no meat on my bones), hungry (always hungry), puffy (my face would look puffy from constantly throwing up) and having scars on my hands from involuntarily biting down in the middle of a purge. Honestly, I’m surprised I have any enamel left on my teeth at all.

I remember people constantly trying to feed me and telling me that I looked sick. Most people had no idea that I had bulimarexia. I knew how to keep a secret. Every single time they said “you look like you are sick”, I felt validation..someone thought I was skinny. A concerned boyfriend once told me that I was getting too thin. I accused him of cheating. I preferred to give up the relationship with him than give up the bulimarexia. This was a serious relationship, not a casual boyfriend. It didn’t matter.

I stopped the behavior when I was 25. I will write about that in another post.

Bulimarexia makes you defensive. Starvation makes you mean. You’ll do anything to protect the disease. You take comfort in the control. I can tell you about this now because I am not that same girl. I am trying to not let my number on the scale rule my life. I’ve not starved or purged in almost 15 years. In fact, it will be 15 years this fall. I still have times when I consider it for a moment, but then I look at my daughters and I know I want to live. I want to be a good example for them and I can’t do that with disordered eating. I’m sharing this so you can understand that eating disorders are more than someone simply choosing to be skinny. They are not terms to be thrown around lightly because the weight and price of eating disorders is death. I was lucky, I survived my bulimarexia others do not.

Bulimarexia the Consequence of Impossible Standards

bulimarexia,anorexia,bulimia, eating disorders
Photo Credit

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Judgemental Doctors, Throat Punch Thursday, Doctors

Throat Punch Thursday,Judgmental Doctor,doctors, obesity,weight management

Judgmental Doctor You Suck

Tonight’s Throat Punch is brought to you by a judgmental doctor. Don’t get me wrong some of my favorite people in the world are doctors; my brother in law, one of my best friends to name a few. I realize that they are, in fact, human; just like you and I. But I expect a standard of professionalism when they are practicing medicine. What they say at home, that’s between them and their HIPAA conscience. But when a doctor brings assumption and judgment into the exam room, we have a problem .

I’ve been having persistent coughing fits for the past 2 weeks and decided to go to the local RediMed, as I don’t have a GP here yet. The doctor walked in the exam room ( after I had waited 2 hours to see her) with a less than enthusiastic attitude, as if I had done something to deserve to be sick. It was apparent from the moment she walked into the room looking through her nose at me, that she was a judgmental doctor.  Worse still a cold bitch, as the room dropped 10 degrees when she walked in.

She began by asking me the standard questions. How long have you had the cough? Are you feeling any sinus pressure? Are you feeling any pressure in your ears? I say yes. She asked, “Pressure? or PAIN?” Her tone was as if I had misunderstood her question. I had not. She had a very thick accent. I’ve grown up immersed in thick accent as my fathers mother tongue is not English. I don’t usually have an issue understanding accents but hers was quite thick.

Judgmental Doctor, Throat Punch Thursday, Doctors, Body issues, weight, body dysmorphic disorder

Judgmental Doctor You are No Lady

“Do you have any allergies?” Yes, I have seasonal allergies.

“When you cough are you bringing anything up? Yes (I’m assuming she was referring to phlegm).

This is when it all fell apart.

At this point she is looking at me, as if I have totally done something wrong, “You really have to watch what you are eating late at night!”  I eat at 5:30 every night.

I have no f*cking idea what she is talking about.

“You must cut back on the greasy food! Take some Prilosec and stop eating these kinds of food!!!! ” She’s practically yelling. I feel as if I am on trial.

“Stop drinking all the sugar, sodas and coffee at night. You need to watch what you eat so you don’t destroy your esophagus with your unhealthy eating habits.”

I don’t!I don’t! I don’t!

What the f*ck is she talking about? Since when did a cough warrant a scolding on non-existent eating habits?

Judgmental Doctor Say What

Then it hits me like a ton of rocks hurled by sizists at the fat kid. Somehow, when I was explaining to her that when I lie down at night the coughing fits get worse, she heard “I’m a big fat asshole who has acid reflux because I can’t control my binge eating at night. I drink 2 liters of soda and pots of coffee with reckless abandon because I just don’t give a shit about my health!”

She was being very condescending and rude.

I know I am out of shape. I am heavier than I ever wanted to be.

I DO NOT HAVE ACID REFLUX.

I HAVE NEVER HAD HEARTBURN. I don’t even know what it feels like.

I came in for COUGHING FITS not a judgmental doctor with a side of asshole bedside manner. Who did she think she was?

I seldom drink caffeine, never at night. I’ve never been a binge eater. I’m a restrictor. To add insult to injury, I’m pretty sure that the reason I am as heavy as I am now is partly from all the damage I did to my body when I was in the throes of my 8 year battle with eating disorders. Doesn’t this bitch know I have body dysmorphic disorder?

Of course she doesn’t, she’s just the freaking drive thru of doctors and she doesn’t have my full medical records. That insensitive bitch just used her judgmental doctor powers on someone who has to talk herself into accepting herself on a daily basis. I’ve never felt so ugly in my life.

I was deflated. Enraged. Wanted to throat punch her and cry simultaneously. On top of everything else, it’s shark week and I’m not feeling especially happy with excessive water weight that I’m holding.

Thanks for the pep talk, Dr. Kevorkian.My throat Punch goes to the wicked stupid, judgmental doctor with the sizist attitude and atrocious bedside manor.

Hope you will link up your Throat Punch Thursday posts with me. I wanted to extend a personal invite to all of you to link up any posts in which you air a grievance, call out any asshatery,or just dole out a well deserved throat punch to one of societies shortcomings or political douche canoes. If not this week, I do it EVERY single Thursday and would love for any or all of you to join in! All you have to do is grab the Throat Punch Thursday button ( listed under the “about” tab at the top of the page), put it in your blog post and link up. If you’d like to stay in the Throat Punch know, I’d love it if you would email subscribe ( as GFC will stop working soon). Just say No to a Judgmental doctor.

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