Vacation Shark Week is Deadly
For all the men, the Shark Week Sneak is like the quarterback sneak only much more bloody and without purpose. For some insane reason, I don’t know why other than my body and all that is holy, shark week for me always falls on a holiday, a vacation, a wedding or when I visit my mother-in-law, who scolds me for flushing tampons for fear that I will make the septic tank system explode and kill everyone within a 100 mile radius, but that’s another post entirely. Think Chernobyl of the cotton and bloody kind. Why I thought my first family vacation in 8 years would be an exception, I don’t know. To top it all off, it was my first shark week since February so it’s a doozie. We are talking no holds barred, tiny midgets chewing on your ovaries, two tampons and a mega MAXIPAD every hour. Not mini, not thin, there were no angel wings. Just me, an untapped hemorrhage and an adult diaper.Yeah, THAT kind of shark week.
And to make matters worse, it happened on the one week of the year when it was damn near guaranteed that I had to be in a bathing suit every day and walking around for hours on end at the fucking happiest damn place on earth. I was not so happy. I wanted to kill every lazy overweight person I saw that was riding a scooter because they were too damn lazy to walk.I was hemorrhaging and dying and my bloated ass still walked for 14 hours a day and don’t get me started on the stupid parents who stopped short on a path to scold their child who they refused to rent a stroller for. I was ready to go full on bat-shit crazy in the middle of Disney World. On the other hand, the Big Guy was about to commit a homicide if I rolled my eyes at him one more time. I couldn’t help it. Shark week had me in it’s clutches and was shaking me around like a crackheaded mother trying to quiet it’s crying baby. It’s a wonder my eyes didn’t roll right out of my head. He should be lucky I didn’t fashion a shiv out of my $100 bottle of Disney World water and stab him in the eye. I could have been a blood bath on a much larger scale.
Shark Week almost Killed Snow White
Don’t get me started on trudging through Disney World and meeting all of those mother effing happy princesses. So beautiful but for the love of God, what’s up with those squeaky voices. Oh yeah, I’m looking at you Cinderella! It was like nails on a chalkboard and teeth on Styrofoam rolled into one and all I wanted to do was take my kids light-up Jedi sword and club Snow White to death. But I didn’t. I carried on and played nice because I wanted my girls to remember their first trip to the happiest on earth fondly, not refer to it as that one time that Mommy got us all kicked out of Disney world for having a boot party on Belle or pulling Rapunzel’s hair around her neck and choking that bitch out because she just wouldn’t stop smiling.
No, in the end, I smiled and laughed and I even played in the rain and walked in a parade. I may have accidentally tripped the woman who pushed my little girl out of the way so that she could watch the parade herself but I’m pretty sure any self-respecting mom would have done the same, even if she were not hemorrhaging. Shark week came in with a vengeance to make up for lost time but it’s done and over with. We all survived. Of course, we are moving this weekend. I am bloated, achy, irritable and eating every single carb in sight. I am thankful for one thing though, I won’t be stuck listening to It’s a Small World stuck on repeat. Shark week should be spent with the ones you love, making them miserable too, not hating poor unsuspecting strangers.
What’s your most memorable shark week story?
Do I dare share my Shark week story, it is so embarrassing but I feel this urge to share.
I was 12. We were on vacation in Yosemite. At 12 you are not raging the hormones that we have now BUT that sneaky period still has its ways of coming during the WORST times!! I was in my bathing suit, just ready to jump in the water when my aunt called me over. She quietly told me that I need to go change and put a pad on. I was mortified!! She was kind but her husband and sons were not. Thank God they saw nothing, I think. The rest of the day was definitely spent either crying, yelling or hiding.
OMG, thanks for sharing. I remember being 12 years old and all the “accidents” I had. I distinctly remember wearing sweaters around my waist for seven days every month. I don’t think everyone ever saw but I know that I gave up white pants for about 7 years:)
I am laughing my @ss off here. It is so true that it hits on every big occasion whether it is due or not. I am an absolute monster when I have it. I cause my family to take cover and CANNOT stop eating everything in sight. I am downright scary. My most embarrassing story is when my grandfather announced to his whole side of the family that I was “now a woman” at our family Christmas party. MORTIFIED!
It’s true. I swear shark week is the devil. It ALWAYS attacks when you least want it. Honeymoon anyone?LOL
P.S. I had to take meds to stop my shark week on because my honeymoon landed on shark week. True story. LOL Shark week is a sneaky bastard.
With this article of yours, i therefore conclude that women should postpone vacation plans or any plans outdoor when they are on a shark week. I can feel the tension as i read your article! But then again, red stuff doesn’t come in schedule. Good that you were able to keep your composure through the whole ordeal thing and boy am i glad to be man! Can’t help but to comment, you got some humor in your writing.
Totally scheduled mine the same way with all the swimming and stabby tendencies…the happiest place on earth became a crying fit over thinking I lost the camera and hoping I brought enough protection
[…] Last week was our spring break and we surprised our girls with a family road trip to Disney World. I planned and researched for months. You knew it was coming. After the Frozen party and the making of the homemade Elsa dress, it was time to go all in ..DIsney World style. The Big Guy and I have been to Disney World many times but never with children for an entire week. In fact, my first trip to Disney World was 15 years ago on our honeymoon. Believe me when I tell you that Disney World is not just for children. It can be as romantic and magical as you want it to be. It’s all in the planning. But this trip was all about our girls so I wanted to make it magical for them not like last time. […]