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Confessions

Be A Better Me (You) Challenge- Day 7 ~ Make yourself a Priority

by Deborah Cruz 2010/09/07

Yesterday’s Be a Better Me (You) Challenge-Day 6~Try Something New
was not a hard challenge because I like to try new things. I welcome change. But I did something out of my comfort zone. I tried an entirely different nightly routine.Normally, I either blog or work after the girls go to bed. This in turn leads to me staying up pretty late. Last night, due to my Mac going on the fritz, rather than hop on my laptop, I chose to unplug last night. At first , I will admit I wasn’t happy about it. I’m sort of addicted to being plugged in and I felt a little like I was smothering. But I powered through and went to bed by 10pm.I went to bed and my brain shut right down and I fell right to sleep. This led to me feeling much more rested and like I could actually think this morning. I may try doing this at least once a week from now on.What new thing did you try?

Today’s Be a Better Me (You) Challenge -Day 7~ Make yourself a priority.
I know many of us never even make it onto our own to do list. I know I never do. For example here’s my list for today:
6:20 am: Wake the girls up
Gthe girls breakfast
Get girls dressed
Take girls to school
Go to Target and pick up some shoes for Bella
Go to the grocery store
Do laundry,dishes, vaccuum,change linens, mop, put away laundry,unpack from traveling over weekend
Pack lunch for girls
Pick Bella up from school
Eat lunch in car in 30 minutes of free time before Gabs’ ballet class starts
Gabs ballet
Take girls home
Take girls outside to play for 30 minutes
Make girls lay down for rest time /Write today’s Be a Better Me Challenge
Get Bella dressed for Ballet
Take Bella to ballet
Run more errands with Gabs
Pick Bella up from ballet
Go home
Eat dinner
Give girls a bath/brush hair/brush teeth
6 pm:Get girls down for bed
6:00-10:00 pm work
You see my schedule is insane, especially on Tuesdays. The worst part, I am no where to be found on that damn list, unless you count the maid, taxi, and chef services I provide.Tonight, I am putting me on my priority list. Tonight, after the girls go to bed, I am working out and then I am taking a long hot shower with no interruptions! I’m going to start scheduling myself some time in every day. I deserve to be a priority on my to do list. I have wants and needs and they are as importat as everyone elses. So are yours! What do you want or need to get done that keeps getting pushed to the backburner because everyone else always comes first? Well, next time you do your to do list write it on the list. Block the time out and make it happen.How can we feel important and special in our own lives if we NEVER take the time to meet our own needs?We cant and its a vicious cycle, the longer you do it , the more you get used to it; the more your family and friends get used to it,and soon no one expects you to want/need anything. Then you are like a very quiet, well behaved servant. You are a woman…let them hear you roar! Make yourslef a priority. If you don’t; nobody else will!
Now link up and share how you made yourself a priority today? What do you want to do? When are you scheduling it in? How are you making it happen? Link up if you are posting a response to the challenge only; all other link ups will be deleted.

2010/09/07 3 comments

All the things I never knew

by Deborah Cruz 2010/08/17

written by Deborah Cruz

I never knew what it was like to love a child, the way only a Mother can, until I had children. I never realized how hard it was to love them on days when everything in the world was on your shoulders and the baby was crying too. Not that you ever don’t love your children at all times ( because we all do) but sometimes its hard to find the energy to show them, when life is doing its best to solidly kick your ass. I never knew any of this, until I lived it.

My whole life I knew that I loved my Mom. I also was very aware and accepted that we are two very different people; two very different types of women. She has always been gentle and sweet; kind and patient. She is your very typical southern lady. Everything about her is syrupy; her voice, her walk, the way she carries herself into a room. I have always been strong,impatient; sorta like a bulldozer on speed. I don’t like to wait for others to create or destroy my happiness. I will fight hard to protect those I love and love them even harder. I am a doer. I am a fighter. I’m scrappy. I’m not gentle. To me, I always loved my Mom but I saw her gentleness, in situations where I thought she should be strong, as weakness. I never understood her circumstances. Her heart was walking around on its own outside of her body.I didn’t realize; I didn’t know.

Last week, my Mom went in for a routine procedure. It was to be a remedy to a longtime ailment that effected her heart.I was against it because I felt as long as medicine kept it in check, why risk surgery. Now, if it were me..I would have gotten the surgery , no question. But being that it was my Mom, I didn’t want to run the risk of a complication. A complication is exactly what happened. A very rare complication that she and only 3 % of the population share.

An outpatient procedure turned into a 3 day stay in the hospital, a chest tube, transfusions, and a whole gaggle of scared adult children. I wasn’t there when it happened because it was suppose to be “routine”. But when faced with the situation and the very real possibility that something worse could happen, I hopped in my car and drove to my Mother.

When I walked into the cardiovascular intensive care unit and saw my mom pale lying on the bed, hooked up to machines, blood leaking from her neck catheter, a line dripping blood from her chest, and her barely able to speak..it humbled me. It scared me. For the first time ever, I was faced with my Mother’s mortality and I didn’t like that feeling. It took everything in me not to cry. It felt much like when your child gets hurt. Your instinct is to take hold of the situation as much as you can, and I did.

Your next instinct is to make the loved one feel at ease and you hide the hurt , fear and pain you feel yourself and you have to do it all with grace.I never knew how strong you had to be to be gentle. It made me realize that for all of these years, I had mistaken my Mother’s gentleness and quiet demeanor for weakness when, in reality, it is through her silence she is maintaining her strength.Sometimes words are too much and in speaking them, you run the risk of breaking down.

I have a new respect for my Mother; for all that she has gone through and all that she has done in her soft spoken life. I also think that her and I are more alike than either of us knew. I say this because I never knew.

2010/08/17 8 comments

Confessions

Wordless Wednesday: My Mother

by Deborah Cruz 2010/08/11

written by Deborah Cruz

My beautiful Mommy…you will be in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow morning.

2010/08/11 3 comments

Confessions Home

Love Letter to My Keurig

by Deborah Cruz 2010/08/06

written by Deborah Cruz

My beloved, Keurig. You complete me. Staying up late with my insomnia is great for catching up on emails and writing my posts, but it definitely has its price. You know… exhaustion, exacerbation of Mommy Brain, matching black luggage stored beneath my eyes. But there is a friend, nay a savior, that comes to my rescue at every beck and call and this is a small tribute to that beloved friend; my Keurig Coffee Maker.

READ ALSO: Mommy Brain

Ode to my Keurig

Oh sweet beauty, with your black and stainless sleekness sparkling it the morning sun,
You call to me with your siren voice,
Beckoning me from my slumber.
You faithfully greet my tired, weary smile every morning
Without fail, you are always there.
You pick me up when I am down,
You give me strength when I have none.
Your aroma wafts through the air and demands my attention.
You produce a sweet resuscitant to combat the death of my exhaustion

Keurig my Salvation

Some say you are but an object,
To me, you are a crucial part of my existence.
I need you, I want you, I love you~
You light up my life, you give me hope.
Thank you for the long conversations with great friends,
the Saturday mornings with my husband, for the salvation of my Motherhood.
You are my Keurig, forever and always.
May no man tear apart what Bed, Bath & Beyond has joined together.

READ ALSO: Mommy Life Preserver

All My love and Gratitude,

Truthful Mommy

**This was not paid for by Keurig, nor did they give me a free anything. They never even contacted me. But I do love my Keurig coffee maker and more importantly, I love my coffee that it makes.

Keurig you are my new Mom salvation

2010/08/06 9 comments

Confessions

Mother’s Little Helper

by Deborah Cruz 2010/08/04

written by Deborah Cruz

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Last night, as I was up FB chatting and texting my bestie at 3 am, (no we are not vampires, yes we are Mommies) we started talking about this song and its been stuck in my head ever since. Basically, I am walking around with a theme song playing in my head now. So, I am sharing it, I think its going to be that kind of day. That’s what I get for staying up til all hours of the night trying to catch up on emails and bloggy business. But so worth it that my bestie and I got to actually “talk” with no one in the background whining….”Mmmmmmmooooommmmmmmmyyyyyyyy!!!” Of course, I think we were both pretty much slap happy and functioning at half speed at that time. It’s OK though, she’s known my flavor of crazy for almost 20 years now. In fact, she may be one of the only people who knows my flavor of crazy in its entirety, aside from the big guy. It reminded us both of when we were in college together. Good times. Yes, this post is pretty much pointless. I just wanted to share the song.I’m off to have my coffee and will return shortly with more insightful things to say….hopefully.
P.S. After further inspection of this video, it begs the question..Did Mic Jagger’s lips get bigger with age? Or did his head get smaller? Things that make you go hhhhmmm?[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

2010/08/04 0 comment

Confessions

I Love my Children but I Hate My Life: All joy and no fun!

by Deborah Cruz 2010/07/16

written by Deborah Cruz

I was watching the Today show yesterday morning, and I saw a segment titled I love my children but I hate me life! Obviously, I was intrigued because, really, who hasn’t thought that? In all honesty, I think that about once a week. But when I think it, its usually because my world is spiraling out of control due to overwhelming circumstances; toddler meltdowns, a messy house, a sassy mouthed preschooler, ME biting off more than I can chew (usually more times than not, its ME) ..and it all happening simultaneously. Motherhood is hard! In the end, its about me and balancing this life I’ve chosen and all of the responsibility that comes with it. In reality, I never actually hate my life..what I hate is the feeling that I am failing at it!

I’m listening to this segment, which by the way was only a snippet of the actually article they were referencing, and I am thinking they are making it sound like these women hate their lives..literally hate their lives because its not what it was cracked up to be. This segment alluded to the fact that this is the norm. I know loads of women and I have never met a woman who has insinuated or said outright “Damn, I wish I could get a refund because Motherhood is really lacking and in no way as fulfilling as I thought it would be!”

Of course, there was nothing that could prepare us for what parenthood actually is…a wild and crazy ride wrought full of hills and valleys,laughter and tears; sometimes within the same day, the same hour or even the same moment! We get pregnant with the intention of creating a baby who is part of our loved one and our self, the baby is a symbol of the depth and breadth of the scope of our love for our spouse/partner/etc. Obviously, being what it symbolizes, we want to believe that something so profound would be a magical experience. But like all things we fantasize about, reality is a little more gritty, dirty, work, and real!

There is a definitely an illusion that is perpetrated about parenthood, especially Motherhood. Come on,how else could we be convinced to go through labor and delivery? It is also not something you can truly understand without experiencing it.

Having my children has been the single most important events in my life, aside from meeting my husband…and you see the three things go hand in hand.The moment I married my husband, I became a wife and the moment when I gave birth to my girls, I was born again, as a Mother. Now, I am privy to a few more of the great mysteries of life. For instance, I know that my heart is capable of growing with the birth of each successive baby, I know that that gigantic heart lives and roams free outside of my body and my biggest job in the world is to protect that heart from getting hurt, and I know that Motherhood is the hardest job that you will ever love!

Of course its not all chocolate and roses, its real. It’s work, but its rewarding maybe not every minute of every day but it is creating something in the world, It’s about perpetuating the species and leaving a legacy. Our children are a version of ourselves and with each passing generation we have left behind a piece of ourselves to live on forever. I know there has been many times when I have felt as if I am being cheated or punished because I can not do the things I did before I had my children. We are human and by nature selfish and in want of instant gratification. Once we have our children, society dictates that we are not allowed those luxuries any longer and that leaves us feeling wanting. This leads to us feeling unsatisfied with our quality of life and that manifests into self doubt. Most days, I feel like I am the only mother having a hard time figuring this all out and why don’t I think every single moment is glorious? What is wrong with me?

But once I realized that this is me evolving into a different version of myself, not worse, but different in my perspective and my scope of experience; then and only then was I able to embrace Motherhood for what it really is… a lot of hard work, laced with moments of profound bliss. I think if it were blissful always, the important moments wouldn’t be as important. The craziness is to keep the balance of things.

When I say I hate my life, I hate that I can’t handle the change. But I take a deep breath, as all parents do, I continue on and before I know it I have arrived at the next moment of bliss and amazement. Just think about it, is there anything that you have ever done in your entire life that felt as amazing as the moment that you first held your newborn baby?

2010/07/16 9 comments

Confessions

Truthful Tuesday; June 22, 2010

by Deborah Cruz 2010/06/22

written by Deborah Cruz

Honesty , is the best policy ,right? Well, maybe not but it sure does help lighten your load. I hate holding things in and I seldom do, as you probably have already guessed. Here are my confessions for the day:

1) Still annoyed about being sick in the summer!

2) Super annoyed that I am sick here alone, with my the big guy out of town for business! Out of town on business sucks! When do I get to go out of town for business? Quick, somebody find me some out of town business!

3)I am really getting aggravated that I am finding out on a daily basis that people that I always thought I could count on, I can not. Then again, support and true friendship is sprouting up in the most unlikely places. I’m not going into specifics but I’ve been habitually let down by people lately and its stating to turn my half full into a half empty attitude. Don’t worry, I won’t let it.

4) Nosy/Gossipy neighbors! Now, I am all for suburban neighborhood bonding. Hell, one of my best friends is my neighbor and she ROCKS! Thanks for picking up the meds so us sickies didn’t have to venture out, you rock S! But what I can’t stand are neighbors who tell me in one breath that they are very private and like to keep to themselves and in the next tell me all the gossip of the neighborhood! Hmmm? What’s worse, their gossip and opinions are all skewed because they don’t actually talk to their neighbors…just about them. So, please Mr. Neighbor, please keep your false accusations and gossip to yourself. I actually know these people, and with the exception of one really big asshole ( other than yourself) they are all pretty freaking sweet neighbors!

OK, enough confessing for tonight. I feel better already. Sometimes, you just need to to get it off of your chest!Happy Mothering!

2010/06/22 1 comment

Confessions

Mommy Porn~Bow Chika Bow Wow

by Deborah Cruz 2010/06/09

written by Deborah Cruz

Mommy Porn ~ Get your mind out of the gutters, Ladies. I was just thinking today about how much my life has changed since having my girls. I was a very semi more private person before I had my girls. Well, maybe not private ( that’s a very loose interpretation) but there were absolutely things that were only between myself and God. You know like pooping, waxing, changing a tampon, masturbating ( Yeah, when was the last time I had the time or energy for that? The only rabbit getting any action in this house is Jack..my daughter’s lovey. My rabbit, well,that poor bastard has been buried under an inch of dust for about the last..I don’t know, 5 years!)

Mommy Porn is a thing of My Past

Anyways, that got the wheels turning and I began to realize that when I say I have not a single minute of privacy a day..I am not exaggerating in the least. Every day is like a surprise party. You know…trying to wipe your ass…SURPRISE!! Or trying to wax your lip with a little dignity…SURPRISE, we see you! Try to shave your legs…SURPRISE! Oops, Mommy..why you leg bleeding? Umm, because Mommy just shaved half her ankle off when you “Surprised” her. Yes, its not for the weak. I remember, naive fool that I was, I was so ’embarrassed’ that my ass was hanging out of my night gown when I was in labor with my first. It about drove me nuts ( until transition labor that was) thinking of all these strangers seeing my big ass hanging out. Yeah, who knew that was the beginning of the end for me. Now, nothing is private. Hell, if my ass hanging out for a few hours was my greatest imposition..life would be sweet. I feel like one of those online video chat hookers/ porn stars without all the sexiness or money. Nope, its just me..doing all my most intimate things with an audience of the 3 and 5 year old version and the pay’s pretty shitty. Well, I do have a full account of hugs and cuddles but on the flip side, I’m missing half my ankle.

Mommy Porn Today

Mommy Porn used to be some hot steamy man doing God knows what to some poor unsuspecting damsel in distress. Rocking her world and punishing her all at the same time, with really bad acting and cheesy music…that was mandatory. Usually, something my husband chose that took place on the high seas. Maybe a pirate or two…argh! It started with a massage in front of the fireplace and ended with my new perma-audience. No thank you sir, I will pass on that porn!
If you ask me today, my qualifications for good porn..my “Mommy porn” if you will; I want a hot man with a cut up chest and tight ass,working up a heavy sweat….cleaning my house….in silence!Oh life, you have come full circle! BOW CHIKA BOW WOW!!!

My Preferable Mommy Porn

Disclaimer: No man was hurt in this photo and no rabbit has been used in the presence of my children. Just in case, you were confused and thinking I was some sort of warped brain defect. I am not. Enjoy your Mommy porn.

2010/06/09 11 comments

Confessions

Truthful Tuesdays; May 25, 2010

by Deborah Cruz 2010/05/25

written by Deborah Cruz

Time to unload Ladies! Seems I am not great at the memes per say but I have decided there are two weekly posts I will revisit..Tuesdays are for being super honest and unloading all the bullshit that is weighing me down (metaphorically speaking of course) and Thursday will be for throat punching and ass kicking any and all imbeciles who are deserving of such treatment. It’s cathartic and I need some catharsis in my life! So let’s commence with the unloading of the proverbial bullshit! Remember, no judgment. You hear me Judgy McJudgement? I’m talking to you! If that’s what you’re here for, turn around and walk away. This is for us to feel better, lighter, healthier and happier not guilty! Boo to guilt!
I am sick of feeling guilty about not exercising! There I said it! I do ~~love to~~ ~~like~~ not absolutely hate to exercise, but I hate getting started. Seriously, its such a pain in my ass to get into the gear and locate the workout dvd, shoo the girls out of my way and fully engage! Of course that brings us to point #2, I am sick of worrying about my weight. Look, I’m not going all 900 lb. mom on you or anything ( love the TLC specials) but damn is there ever a moment when women can just let that go. Seriously, I know it will never happen but for once I’d love to look in the mirror and say “PERFECT!” No matter the size or shape I am ( and believe me I think I’ve seen them all) I am NEVER satisfied. There are days when I am more or less satisfied than the previous day but never just completely happy with what I look like. I just want to get off this roller coaster…I don’t want to perpetuate this madness. HELP!!! Dr. Phil…can you fix me? Can you say body dysmorphic disorder? Enough already! Sheez!!!!
Next, I am so monstrously sick of all the complete idiots that have been allowed to procreate and interact with children as of late! Between the Texans who don’t watch their children, the men in Bangkok using the kids as human shields, the bullies in New Hampshire, and the teacher in Texas beating the student in Houston, ( all in the last couple of weeks) I am seriously becoming afraid to watch the news. That’s to say nothing about sending my children out into the world with these people !Hell, I’m getting pretty afraid to go out there myself knowing what kind of imbeciles are roaming free in the world.What is this world coming to? Can we get some protection over here from the morons? They are loose and coming for our children!
One more thing, is BP ever going to get a hold on this oil spill? My God…how bad does it have to get before they actually fix this disaster? Hasn’t Louisiana been through enough?
On a positive note, in complete honesty, my husband and girls are pretty much awesome this week! That could have something to do with the fact that my husband is keeping a ~~safe distance~~ 4 hour travel time between us and I’ve pretty much been giving into all the whims of my girls this week. I’m just too damn exhausted to fight them. I wonder if this is how all wars are won? Oops, hope I didn’t speak to soon!Shhh! Maybe nobody heard!
Now its your turn! Time to bear your soul and unburden yourself! Happy Mothering!

2010/05/25 29 comments

Confessions

Truthful Tuesday’s; May 11,2010

by Deborah Cruz 2010/05/11

written by Deborah Cruz

Ok, I know I am not so good at always remembering to vent on Truthful Tuesdays. How am I suppose to be a good example if I don’t even vent myself? So here, I go. Keep in mind, I had to dig deep to find something that made my life not perfect today:)

I’ve decided that I hate, absolutely hate, splinters. Yes, seems the little bastards have declared war on my girl,Gabs. Pobresita. Any idea how hard it is to remove splinters from a 2 year old drama queen in complete hysterics? It is absolutely exhausting , for all involved. Did I mention she had 6 splinters in 2 days? Oh my, hate to say it but its looking more and more like she will be wearing gloves and socks and shoes all summer long. The trauma the splinters are causing is too much.
I’ve also have to confess that I saw a blog the other day titled something like A Mommy blog that is about more than just complaining! WTF?? Seriously? I don’t spend all my blogging time complaining. I try to be truthful, it’s not all sunshine and roses but its not all dark clouds and doom either. I think its pretty shitty that she would just assume that all other Mommy Blogs are riddled with complaining! I think that she is kinda a douche!
I’m also going to be honest about the fact that the crappy monsoon weather coupled with the bitter cold has had me in a funk. I’ve pretty much not felt like leaving the house and my children have been working my very last nerve. Oh yeah, tonight my 2 year old decided to piss my bed. She wasn’t sleeping when it happened. I asked her why and her answer was this ,”Actually, I made up my mind and I did it!” What? First of all, where did the “Me” go? Usually, its “Me, this or Me that”. And why so defiant today? Why you gotta kick Mommy when she’s down? Couldn’t she have taken this stance about something like human rights, or the ethical treatment of animals, becoming the first woman president…why just randomly pissing on my bed?? What did I do to deserve the honor of being her first decided asshole maneuver? After much probing, she changed her answer to say that she couldn’t get in to the bathroom so she peed my bed. Seriously, did she just think to herself…”Hey, Mommy’s bed kinda looks like a toilet. I think I will piss there!” Yes, this has been the kind of day it has been. I’d say its been shitty, but I guess its really been pissy.
Screw you non complaining Mommy blogger..you’re just not complaining because either you are in denial or you are an effing LIAR!!! That’s right, I can say that…its my blog!

2010/05/11 4 comments

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