It’s Monday and the kids are, as expected, home with me; under my feet, bickering and fighting. My husband is also trapped at home, no one is at work because the roads are impassable and he’s playing video games, hunched over in front of the television in the living room like a zombie in one of his games, oblivious to everything around him, including the bickering kids and the dog whining to go piss. Me, I hear it all and I really have the urge to kick him off his stool. Don’t worry, I warned him so when I do it, he won’t be shocked.
They’ve already texted to warn tell us that school will be canceled tomorrow as well but hey, the first grade teacher suggests that we get the kids started on that reading project that starts next week? Don’t just sit there on your ass daydreaming of knocking your husband off of his stool, woman; be proactive. Get the kids hyped up about the reading program. Who cares if they have been completely ignoring you for 17 days when you’ve asked them repeatedly to clean their rooms? Who cares if you are up to your eyeballs in laundry and have work deadlines looming? Who cares if you are hanging on to your mommy sanity by drinking wine straight from the bottle and eating sleeves of Y2K ration Chips Ahoy during snowpocalypse? Who cares? The reading program will solve all of your problems just you wait and see. Anyways, now the first grade teacher is looking like she might need to be knocked off her stool too. I’m making a list.
Maybe the 41 degrees below zero wind-chill weather has me a little bitter and the cabin fever isn’t helping but honestly, as of tomorrow the kids will have been home for 18 days straight. 18.DAYS! To pass the time, I decided to change the absorbent material that lines the guinea pig’s cage. You know the guinea pig that my 6-year-old begged for and promised to clean his cage and feed? Yeah, he is now mine, just like the carnival goldfish, Golda, who just won’t die and the puppy, Lola, who has turned into the most interesting dog in the world (if you believe my Instagram feed). Somehow amongst all the other responsibilities that I have, my person has become a wayward home for unwanted (or only wanted on occasion) derelict pets. Anyways, I digress. The point is the guinea pig, Ted Koppel, just shit all over me. Snowpocalypse and snow days can kiss my ass.
Captain’s Log; Day 17/ Ted Koppel shit on the mommy blogger.
**God, if you’re reading this, this is Debi. Please let the kids go back to school on Wednesday. I don’t think I have another day in me.