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love

The holidays for me are usually all warmth and fuzziness, mostly. Don’t get me wrong they are chocked full of craziness but right underneath the surface of all the chaos, complete happiness is bubbling its way to the surface and about to spill over. But for some reason, this year things feel… off. It all looks great on paper, we are doing all the things that should be done to make wonderful memories for our girls but for some reason, I don’t feel like my heart is in it. I don’t feel the bubbly goodness rising to the top as it should be this far into December.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I am watching the finances closely since this year has been full of new jobs, relocations and maintaining separate households, which is nothing to speak of the fact that our whole life has been suspended and not quite right with the Big Guy not living here. Maybe my lack of enthusiasm has something to do with being overwhelmed by the to do lists and not enough time to accomplish the tasks at hand. I have been buried under snow for most of December and there’s been no time for shopping, baking, enjoying. Its been a series of appointments and dates. Truly, I feel like my girls are being jipped out of their Christmas. I’ve been so  caught up in all the obligations that I’ve been snapping at my girls and firing snark from my mouth like an AK-47.I know on more than one occasion, lately, I’ve given them the “are you retarded?” look and may have even said something to that effect, but not quite as awful. But the sentiment was there and that is as guilty as saying the words themselves. Thoughts become words and words become actions.Well, even thinking that makes me a really horrible Grinch of a mother, in my book. I don’t want to be THAT person.I don’t want my girls to think it even fathomable that I could mean such awful words.The thought of them believing that I think they are anything less than amazing or that my love is conditional upon whether or not they are pleasing to me, makes me sick to my stomach.I want to be happy, excited and gay. I need to get my warm fuzziness boiling back over. I want to spread it all over my children like warm molasses.

Christmas is not about things to do, places to be or presents to open; Christmas is about love, peace and people.I want my girls to look back on their childhood Christmases and remember the cuddles in front of the fire, spontaneous Christmas cookie baking, making fudge with Daddy, snowball fights, and watching Christmas Movies; staying up late to put cookies out for Santa and going to mass with the whole family.It’s firsts snows and snow angels.It’s togetherness.It’s a series of moments that form a lifetime. I want it to be a feeling in their heart.I want it to be the spirit of something larger than us; of hope, love and joy. I’m clearing out the clutter of my life and my mind and going forth, my only true obligation is going to be to see to it that my girls are happy.Everything else is secondary.  

Fah who for-aze! Fah who for-aze!
Dah who dor-aze! Dah who dor-aze!
Welcome Christmas, Welcome Christmas,
Come this way! Come this way! 
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It’s Friday and I just don’t feel like Fawk You’s. I’m having a happy Friday and so I want to take a moment to bask in the great things happening to me, right now:) (As evidence I don’t always..just bitch:)LOL

She’s wearing the crazy cowgirl hat because it was CRAZY hat day @ school.Halloween party was yesterday.

My Bella lost her first tooth last night in the middle of the night. I was awaken by a little face pressed to mine, whispering,”Mommy, my tooth fell out!Yippee!” She is so excited, she says it makes her a “real” kindergartner!I’m a little sad about it but I am really happy that she is so excited.Now, to figure out what the tooth fairy will be leaving and I gotta get on that tooth fairy pillow!STAT!

I know I am biased but this kid rocks my socks off!

An unsuspecting moment of joy appeared this morning, on the way back from kindergarten drop off, Bruno Mars’ Just the way you are came on the radio and it is one of my favorites because of what it represents. I sing it to my girls all the time. This morning, from the back seat I hear a little voice lifting up.I peak in my rear view and there is my 3 year old singing it at the top of her lungs and my heart swooned.Girl you’re amazing..just the way you are!!

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Next, I am ecstatic for my Big Guy to come home! I look forward to Fridays like most people look forward to Christmas and so do my girls. The Big Guy is a wonderful father and husband. He is a very hands on parent and if I need a nap or a couple hours to myself, he knows before I even  need to ask and tells me to go do it. He really does complete me.I absolutely love me some Big Guy!

We are also really ecstatic about the fact that my wonderful brother in law has popped the question to his gorgeous girlfriend.We couldn’t be happier.I can’t wait to have another sister and my girls are over the moon to have “the Great” be their auntie! We love you both and we are wishing you a long life of happiness together!

J.dot.A.dot, this song is for you…We’re so happy that You found her!

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Next, I want to wish a very happiest of birthdays to my baby sister, Bekiluki (her Papi appointed nickname  from our childhood.We all have them:). Girl, this is going to be the year big things happen for you. I feel it in my bones. Remember, Monday, November 1st is the first day of the rest of our lives.We pinky promised!I’ll be right there to hold your hand little sister, always! You can do anything you want to in this life.You deserve happiness! Go get your happiness!! Love you!

Bertie this is for you.Listen to the lyrics and know that  you are amazing and I am always here for you,little sister.There is a light in your eyes….

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 Last but not least, Happy Friday, everyone! This song makes me happy spontaneously,hope it can brighten yours, as well.

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 Happy Halloween from the Truthful Mommy household!

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Kindergarten has been a big step for our Bella and it doesn’t seem that the firsts show any sign of slowing down anytime soon. I have mixed emotions about all of this. For the most part of it, I am very excited for my Bella. Unfortunately, the fact that I left the girls overnight for the first time ever coupled with the fact that she has had about 4 firsts in the past week, add to that me trying to upload photos and stumbling into a folder with photos of my Bella when she was newborn to about 2 years old and on top of that add the Bette Midler song Baby Mine and I am sitting here, alone in the middle of the night, feeling a bit emotional. As always, I share these moments with you, my friends.

Last Tuesday, while we were at ballet class with Gabs, Bella and I were sitting in the car waiting for Gabs to be done. Bella was in the passenger seat spelling out words ( She is getting to be such a big girl) and I am reading. I hear the click clack of her Barbie laptop stop, I glance over and there she is..tying her shoe..all.by.herself! It really felt a lot like those first steps she took when she was about 10 months old. I was so proud. She’s only been shown once. She amazes me. Where did that helpless little baby go? How can I be so happy and so sad simultaneously? Mostly, I was proud. Just ask any of my friends and family…I took a picture of it and mass texted it to them all.

First Shoe Tie 9/21/10

Then on Wednesday, we had our first rehearsal for the Nutcracker. I can’t believe that 3 years have already passed since she first started ballet. She was such a tiny thing when she first began and now she is a snowflake. She looked like such a big girl ballerina in her leotard, tights, and performance bun. I do realize its the same thing she wears to class every single week for class. But something is different, my Bella is different. She is growing up every hour of every single day.Letting go, even a little, hurts a lot but thank God it is dulled by the happiness that she shows on her face when she accomplishes something that she has set her mind to. It amazes me what a strong characterful little person she is at such a young age.

First Nutcracker Rehearsal for the Snowflakes 9/22/10. This is the photo that broke the Big Guys heart because he had to miss this moment.

Then on Thursday, she came home with 2 declarations. The first one was “Mommy, I was chosen as one of the stars of the day.” Me: “Great,baby!I’m so proud of you!” Bella: ( a little bashful) “Umm, Mommy, the star of the day gets a piece of bubblegum.” And with that she pulls a little baggy from behind her back, with one little red gumball in it. She is smiling so big that I can hardly stand it. Me;”Bella, you know you are too young for gum.” Who the hell gives gum to kindergartners? This is the same teacher who is so strict about no unhealthy snacks.Yeah, OK. I am watching as Bella’s face is losing its smile. Bella: “But Mommy, the other stars got one too!” How could I deny her her reward that she was so obviously proud to have been chosen to receive. I told her that we would split it, and she could chew it for 5 minutes in my eyesight, but from now on she would have to put them in a Ziploc, put them in the freezer and save them until she’s 8! I know, very random solution but it satisfied her for the moment. I’m not a fan of gum for kids…bad for teeth, choking hazard, etc.

The next declaration was a little more substantial, thank goodness we had spat our gum out or I may have swallowed mine. Bella, puts her hand on her hip, has a very nervous look on her face and says,”Mommy,I’ve got to tell you something” Me: “Yes, Bella, what do you need to tell me?” Bella: “Mommy, I like Bill* (*names have been changed to protect the innocent) and Bill likes me!” She’s blushing, so I am pretty sure I know what that means. But I don’t want to embarrass her. I want her to be able to tell me anything.But, I had to know,”Bella, do you mean like a boyfriend?” Bella: (blushing and giggling and averting eye contact) “No, Mommy..like he’s my best friend!” I heard what she said, but I also saw what her face said, that little face that I have read every single day for the past 5 and a half years..her little heart is happy. She has her first crush.

Today, as I was waiting for Bella to come out of class ( she is one of only 4 half day kindergartners) and so is Bill*. Bill’s mother sits down next to me and says, “I was told to be here early , I have been given strict orders to find out from you when the Nutcracker performances are because Bill* said he has to go see Bella in the Nutcracker.” We both giggled, because its obviously the sweetest thing either of us have ever heard…ever. But, oh my God, I won’t lie it choked me up just a bit. As we’re pulling out, Bella and Gabs are gleefully screaming “Bye, Bill!” And the cutest little boy ever waves them both on. In the car ride home, Bella informs me that I must talk to his mother about setting up a play date with Bill*. She continues on and tells me that the two of them were talking about it. She told him he could come over and play dress up with her. She told him he could be a fairy. He said,”Nah, I have a cape with jewels on it. I can be the prince and you can be my princess!” Priceless. do you hear that “Awwwww” in your head too? Or is it just me? It also makes me wonder, am I scheduling a play date or just a date?

This, of course, catapults me about 20 years into the future and I can already feel myself losing that helpless little baby I met on the day she was born to the man of her dreams on her wedding day. I am now more convinced than ever that parenthood is misery peppered with moments of profound bliss. God has given us these little people that steal our hearts, our minds, and our bodies and then in the end they leave us alone to miss them. Now, I understand why grandchildren are so important..its a way for parents to have a little part of their children back. Its probably also why grand kids can get away with so much. Parents have already felt the loss of their children growing up and leaving and have a new barometer of what is acceptable behavior and what is not. To be able to hold your children in that moment when they are little perpetually would be worth almost any price to have again, once they are grown. For now, I am going to cherish every single first, smile, giggle, even the tantrums and heartbreak because this time passes too quickly. Baby of Mine!

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I watched you sleep in
quietly in my bed
you don’t know this now
but theres some things that
need to be said
it’s all that i can hear
it’s more than i can bare
what if i fall and hurt myself
would you know how to fix me
what if i went and lost myself
would you know where to find me
if i forgot who i am
would you please remind me
ohhh
cause without you things go hazy
I miss you Big Guy, today more than most
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I’m feeling a little nostalgic for my home and my parents. Who knows maybe it has something to do with my girls and all these firsts for them of late, the letting go and moving on a letting go some more, maybe it has to do with the loneliness and upheaval of my husband being 300 miles away on a daily basis, or maybe the fact that my Mom has been ill and I have been worried about her health…missing my Mommy. They say love makes a house a home and that home is where the heart is. I believe that. I grew up in a small house with 6 brothers and sisters, but we loved each other. It may not have been much to look at  but it was home. It is where I grew from a child to a woman.

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Before my girls were ever born, in the very early stages of conception , I became obsessed with  chronicling every single thing they would ever do. There were the usual; first tooth, first time crawling, first time sleeping through the night, first solid food, first trip to Grandma’s..and so on and so forth. but were those other things that I just new I never wanted to forget too, first tantrum, first time they bit someone, first concert, first time they threw up on me, first time they danced with a Wiggle ( oh yeah, my girl got pulled up on the stage..it was very reminiscent of Courtney Cox and Bruce Springsteen but with hot potato and smashed banana…). There have been a lot of things I have recorded. But somewhere along the way, things went horribly wrong.
The “baby Book” that I so painstakingly searched for and found after countless hours of searching the shelves of multiple bookstores has been forgotten. I mean its here. I know where it is….I think.Somehow it’s been reduced to random pieces of  paper, napkins, tissues with dates and occasions on them. To be honest, I am praying I wrote the year and the child because it may just be the action and the date. I was so in the moment that I never thought I’d forget the first day Bella laughed so hard that she blew milk out her nose, or the day 11 month old Gabs (I’m not 100% sure but I’m pretty sure, all the signs tell me) ingested shit. Let’s just say there was poop on her hands, and it looked like poop on her face. That’s all I’m saying. Yeah, I called the doctor..there was nothing they could do but tell me to keep an eye on her, give me a statistic about how 100% of all money has traces of human feces on it (EWWWW! I’m not sure if they were trying to make me feel better or worse), and I’m pretty sure they they made a mark somewhere  ( you know some special database accessible to DCFS….1 eff up you’re a dumb ass, 2 eff up’s they’re coming in and taking the kids away!) It was an accident people, if it even happened….which I’m not sure it did!
Anyways, I digress ( as always). My point being, I have become accustomed to writing these little forget me not notes, or stashing tickets to their first movies, or a napkin from their birthday party because it was
is going in the book at some not yet determined time in the near future . It’s gotten so bad that now, whenever anything happens my 5 year old promptly exclaims ” Hey , Mommy. You’re putting that in the baby book, right?” I’m really not sure if she is being facetious, or serious. Either way, it makes me feel like a rat..lower than a rat..like a flea on a rat.
This weekend, I came to a life altering decision… I am going on a scavenger hunt. I am determined to find each and every single piece of tissue, toilet paper, napkin, scratch pad paper containing rogue information that I can find. When I do, I am going to bring that illusive Baby Book up to date. I plan to gather my randomly placed post it notes of my children’s life thus far and my scattered thoughts on the whole thing and put together the most effing awesome Baby Book to ever walk the face of the earth ( you know what I mean).  I’m thinking I may just have to arm myself with wine and water , lock myself in the basement with all the papers and power through and get it done. I wonder if they will ever know the depth and breadth to the sacrifices we make for them? That Silent Ninja Mommy assistant would be priceless right about now. Next on the agenda, the baby quilt I keep promising myself that I am making from their baby clothes. Also,with each passing day, my husbands ‘crazy’ idea that I log everything that happens in our children’s life into a file on the computer..seems to sound a lot better to me .

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In a couple days, my husband and I will be celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary(we married when we were 19..not really but its the only way the math works if I am perpetually 30) and it has me feeling a little (how shall we say it) romantic! So this is for you baby! Because  for to me, you are better than ice cream. That’s saying a lot considering my love affair with ice cream. I could give up all other food, but not ice cream. Never ice cream!
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So, as most of you know, my feisty 5 year old, Bella is really trying hard to give up the nap, to my utter dismay. Everyday, I try to put her down for a nap and 3 out of 5 times, mission NAP fails. Today, not unlike yesterday, she laid there for about 1/2 hour then comes out to inform me that “my brain just won’t shut off” and therefore, she can not sleep. She’s wearing me down, I’m about to give in but there is a stipulation. In order to bypass napping, one must promise and abide by the secondary rule by which all non-nappers must be tidy in their beds by 6:30 sharp..hopefully, to be asleep by 7:30 . Dream  big, yes I do. Anyways, knowing Bella, she NEVER abides by this rule. To be honest, short of taking away every single thing that she loves…I have no idea of how to make this whole bedtime ritual go down as planned. As of late, she has decided to put herself to sleep by drawing herself into exhaustion, much the way I like to read or write myself into exhaustion at bedtime (ergo the 2 am postings!)  . I know, now that Ive actually put this in type..you’d think I could find a more exciting , if not creative way to work myself into exhaustion at bedtime. But alas, my husband does work out  of town and off site 5 of the 7 days of the week.But my Bella, she likes to draw herself into sleepiness. I wondered why she wanted the window blinds left half open. This has happened a couple times. Today, however, she really must of had to exhaust herself. Once I no longer hear any stirrings from the bedroom, after her 3rd trip out to ask for water, tv, or a snack, I creep into her my bedroom and find my little Picasso lying exhausted and sound asleep surrounded by a fury of drawings. Be patient, I will share them with you. But before I do, I came in about 2 hours later and she was waking…half asleep and half awake..Bella: “Mommy, did you see the pictures I drew for you, Daddy, and Grandpa Chacha, Grandpa Denny, Grandma Suzy Q and Grandpa Manny?” Me;”Yes, I did . They are amazing! Go back to sleep.” I really did think they were amazing but I also thought they were all for me:) I’ll share..if I have to.

Must be for Daddy..notice the big “D” on it? Looks like Daddy, look at those long legs!

“M” for Mommy! Oooh, thanks Bella! I wonder if that’s really how she sees me? Yikes, talk about a bad hair day?LOL

Look its all of her “parents” Top L-R, Grandpa Manny (curls), Grandma Suzy Q (shorty) Me (crazy hair). Bottom L-R, Grandpa Denny (long legs and losing hair), Grandma ChaCha (long legs and curly hair), Daddy (Long legs and crazy eyes). I love the way she put a “G” on all the Grandparents pictures, and a “M” on mine, & a “D” on Daddy. I think she is absolutely brilliant. These are the moments that make it all worth while.
Speaking of which, Gabs, in her infinite sweetness, sitting in my lap at bedtime takes her right arm and wraps it around the back of my neck and pulls me down, giggles and says, “ME LOVE YOU MOMMY!” and this is a priceless moment that I will never forget. Love my girls!

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Me: “Bella, what do you want to be when you grow up?”
(her standard answer used to be a teacher and a movie star, but I actually think the whole modeling ordeal has changed that a little:)
Bella: (non-nonchalantly) “Umm, a mom!”
Me: “A mom? Anything else? You can be a Mom and anything else you’d like to be when you grow up.”
Bella: “No, after college, I just want to be a normal Mom.” (WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? At least she got the Motherhood after college drilled into her head:)
Me: (I’m perplexed) ” Why do you want to be a Mom?”
Bella: “Because Moms take care of their kids and love them all the time. That’s all I want to do!”
Me:” Bella am I a normal Mom?”
Bella: “Yeah, but you work online so sometimes your not normal”
Me: DUMBFOUNDED..scared to ask what that means. But before I had the chance she told me.
Bella: “But don’t worry Mom…you always love us!”
I always do! I guess I’ve set such a shining example of Motherhood that my daughters just want to do the same. Or else, I’m doing such a pissy job of it, she wants to show me how its done. How I love my girls!

1/2 hour later

Me: “Gabi, what do you want to be when you grow up?”
Gabs: “UMMMMM, ME want be a MOMMY!”
Me: “Why?”
Gabs: “Ummmm, BECAUSE! ( What she meant to say is because Bella said so)
Me: “Any other reason why?”
Gabs: ” You a Mommy!”
Me: “Yes, I am. You can be anything you want to be baby”
Gabs: “You Great Mommy!”
Ah, I always knew she was my sunshine. She brightened my day so much, she will never know what those words meant to me today.

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