The TRUTH About Motherhood

Category: Marriage and Relationships

Dadchelor Parties~Because apparently Everything’s an excuse for a Pub Crawl
A couple weeks ago I was reading the Huffington Post and came across a post on Dadchelor Parties~because everything’s an excuse for a Pub crawl. Have you heard of these? Did your husband have one? I think the Big Guy would certainly would have loved to have had one of these but our first was born back in the dinosaur days of 2005. You know before push gifts were all the rage? Don’t get me wrong, I think push gifts are an amazing idea. Hell fire, if I have to push a 15 inch head, 8 lb 13 ounce bundle of joy out of my woohoo meanwhile ripping myself in half, cracking my ass-bone resulting in 25 discrete stitches and a lifetime of itching from the scar…I think I damn well deserve a piece of jewelry. But a Dadchelor party? That’s something all together different!

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You may think they are staring at her ass but actually these expectant fathers are staring at her flat belly:)
Dadchelor Parties~Because apparently Everything’s an excuse for a Pub Crawl
What the hell is a Dadchelor party you ask? It seems it is a last hurrah for expectant fathers before they become a Daddy. You know how they feel the need to go out with their friends , drink like camels, cat call harass unsuspecting 20 something year olds, waste our money on strippers and illicit hookers before getting married? Yeah, just like that. Because apparently getting married and sentenced to conjugal visits with the same lady forever is so hard to fathom that men feel the need to act like complete morons on their last night of freedom with the boys. Well, it now seems that men have let the secret out that there is something in fact worse than sex with the same women for all eternity and that would be denied conjugal relations with that same woman after the babies come. What ? You don’t think this is fair? Me either!
Dadchelor Parties~Because apparently Everything’s an excuse for a Pub Crawl
Where was my last hurrah before the baby was born? I didn’t get a girls weekend in Vegas to cut loose and sew my last wild oats. Hell, I didn’t even get a sympathy nap or a courtesy reach around from the OB/GYN! What I got was a crappy old lady party with a bunch of relatives that I see once every five years buying me the same crap onesie that Target had on sale and everyone else bought me…because apparently my baby was going to wear 375 size 0 onesies in 1 month. And guess what, now even the husbands get to come to the baby shower. Hell, the Big Guy was thrown his very own baby shower at the office. I wasn’t even invited.

But let’s be clear, these Dadchelor parties are just one more reason for men to go out with their friends guilt- free and have a boys night out. I think they are complete crap. So what if your life is going to change? Mine changed from the moment of conception! Morning sickness, all the things no one tells you about being pregnant and how out of control my baby bump would become, these were all collateral damage of pregnancy that directly affected my body. I guess, we ladies get to do all the heavy lifting while the boys and their village go out and celebrate their virility. Why do men deserve a pub crawl? Do they? What are your thoughts on Dadchelor Parties?
Dadchelor Parties~Because apparently Everything’s an excuse for a Pub Crawl

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2011/06/28
Happy Accidents
Happy Accident Today is the 12th year wedding anniversary of the Big Guy and myself. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the way we met and came to be engaged. It’s really a sweet story and when I recount it, it makes me warm and fuzzy inside. But knowing how dangerously close this all could have gone a completely different direction, it reminds me of how a Happy Accident changed the course of my entire life.

The Big Guy and I had a mutual girl friend in college who really wanted us to meet, as friends I mean REALLY wanted us to meet. She hounded me for weeks. After several failed attempts to meet one another, finally we were in the same place at the same time. I remember ditching my LSAT class that Monday night in September just to finally make his acquaintance. I walked into that bar alongside our mutual friend never knowing how this night would alter my perception of the world. I was expecting this guy to be the best thing since sliced bread. I mean after all, it was my friend’s best friend and she had nothing but good things to say about him. Instead of a knight in shining armor I found someone unexpected. My friend and I walked up to the bar and as I’m looking for the typical college frat boy, she stops short in front of this long, lanky, bleached blonde hair with BLUE tips, an eyebrow ring and smoking a cigarette boy.WTF?? I thought to myself,well, at least she’s not trying to set us up. To me, he looked like someone that I might have dated in high school when I was going through my “alternative” phase but no one I would date as a grown woman. She introduced us. I was cordial. I said, “Hi,I’m Debi” he nonchalantly cast his eyes downwards toward me and said “hey” barely acknowledging my existence.I immediately did not like him. I could barely stand him. Who did he think he was?Seriously?
As the night progressed, we ended up back at the house he shared with several other guys and they were having a party. Needless to say, the girl who introduced us and begged me to accompany her to the party, promptly disappeared, leaving me alone once again with this guy who , at first glance, seemed quite rude and disinterested in even having a functional conversation.
I had an astronomy exam that I desperately needed to study for and all I wanted to do was go home.But, being me, I had absolutely NO idea of how to get home.Finally,after hours of me sitting there waiting for my friend to reemerge, he offered to walk me home. Which, at first, I found the idea ridiculous but out of necessity I agreed. I was completely at his mercy. I was praying that the walk was quick and that he was not a serial killer. It started off as a walk, then he took me to the roof of the parking garage to point out constellations and we began to talk.Really talk. Then we continued walking, I learned later that he took the longest possible way home. I remember being at the soccer fields, lying on our backs looking up at the stars at that moment as night meets dawn and the birds start to sing and you are so deliriously tired but the excitement of the newness propels you forward. In those few hours, we shared our entire life with one another. After a stolen kiss and butterflies, he finally walked me home…and we’ve been together ever since.
Today, as we celebrate our 12th Anniversary of marriage, I look at him and thank God for happy accidents. I am also reminded that love can find you anytime, anywhere and to never judge a person by a first impression.Life is made up of second chances and good things can only happen if we’re open and willing to experience all of the happy accidents that life has to offer. I love you baby! Thank you for walking me home that night so long ago.
2011/05/15
Daddy Juice ~My water to wine
Sometimes,in those fleeting quiet moments, where coherent thought still exists in the recesses of my mind, I think about the meaning of life. I know it surprises me when it happens too. Usually, I’m trying my damnest just to keep babies alive and thriving without traumatizing them in any way that is so awful as to trigger a major mental breakdown in the future. Because, just so you know, I totally hold my parents accountable for my years of therapy..my therapist agreed with me,so there is that. But in those almost extinct moments of quiet, I ask myself some of the big questions of life. One that crept up on my unusually peaceful drive home this morning in the rain was “Why are there no miracles anymore?” I mean, there are everyday miracles like the sun shining or gravity or a mother’s blind love for her child. But what about the real BIG miracles? What happened to seas parting? People walking on water? Water into wine?
Then it hit me, right over top of the head…babies. Babies are a miracle. I don’t mean in the they are such a blessing in my life sort of way. I don’t even mean the we tried for 7 years before we got pregnant sort of way. Though in there own respects,they could certainly be considered miracles. No, what I’m talking about is the fact that the goo that was left behind on Ms.Lewinski’s dress meets an egg in a moment of uncontainable passion and , in that moment, something that so closely resembles snot turns into Daddy juice and is on it’s way to having a heart beat and breathing, walking around, smiling, and living in the world. I mean think about it, really think about it. It’s really quite profound, the whole process. It’s like creating something grand from absolutely nothing.It is my very own water into wine. There is so many miracles involved with babies, aside from creating them; growing them, sustaining, the way they make our hearts grow, our minds expand, our lives richer. See what happens when it rains and I have a minute of quiet time? I see the little miracles in my own life. How did I not see this before?
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Miracles #1 & #2

What are our ever day miracles? Do you believe in miracles? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this discussion. Maybe it’s the rain, or spring and all the new life all around but I am seeing little miracles every where. Go enjoy the little miracles in your life.[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]
2011/04/27
Mothers and Daughters~When the Apple falls Nowhere Near the Tree
Mother and daughters, I never could have imagined the extent of the importance this relationship would someday hold in my life. The very words mother-daughter relationship conjure so many deep emotional reactions that it can be overwhelming at times. My daughters, from the moment that I saw their little hearts beating as a blip on the ultrasound, felt those very first faint flutter kicks in utero and pushed them out into the world, I knew. I held them in my arms and saw all the good that the world has to offer in their eyes. From these small moments, they were more important to me than the sum total of anything and everything else I have ever done in this world or will probably ever do. My girls are everything that has meaning in my world.
I know this sounds very 1950’s housewife of me.I am perfectly aware of the irony of it all.Just as my husband was everything I never knew I always wanted in a man, motherhood has proven to be everything I never knew I always wanted. It has grabbed hold of me and filled me in ways that I never even knew I was empty.
Sometimes, in those quiet moments when the girls have gone to bed and the house is still, that moment of the day when I can finally exhale, I catch myself elated in the fact that no matter how hard this mothering may be, at the end of the day there is no place else that I’d rather be.It is a lot of hard work and I’m learning to be a better person for these little people.They make me want to be the best me that I can be. Even when I’m at my worst, I am better because of them.
I’m sure you can understand why it pains me to realize that I have never had this relationship with my own mother, at least not from my perspective. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother and I respect her, as does she love and respect me. How do I explain this? She and I are completely opposite in every way that two people can be opposite. The only thing that we share is blood and our love for one another.
It makes me wonder, if she and I started out at this point where my daughters and I are now? If so, what happened? This frightens me and saddens me in ways that I can’t even bring myself to verbalize. What if some day my daughters feel like we have nothing in common?
What if they look at me and don’t see any part of themselves? What if they love me but don’t know me? I can’t bear the thought. Mothers and daughters should share more than just DNA, there needs to be a bond of unconditional love and unwavering understanding. I am working to try and bridge the gap that lies between us but it is a slow process. I want to look at my mother and know that I am part of what fills her world with pulchritude.I want to know for certain that once upon a time, I was her everything and she was mine.
Is your relationship with your mother anything like your relationship with your daughter? How are they different?How are they similar?
2011/04/05
The Jake Ryan, Farmer Ted, Lloyd Dobbler Dating Litmus
At one time or another, we have all faced the Jake Ryan versus Farmer Ted debacle. If you were young when it presented itself, you probably chose superficially and unwisely in the long run. Because lets be honest when you’re under 25 and hormones are running high, a pretty face and a nice chest goes a long, damn way. Oh the superficiality of youth. I do not miss you. Anyways, I was so team Jake Ryan that there was no way to convince me otherwise. But then you grow up and you realize men are more than just Jake Ryan’s and Farmer Ted’s, there’s a few Lloyd Dobbler’s out there and even more Chet’s. But what’s the litmus test? Well, this took place one Valentine’s day and I knew immediately who I married.
Valentine’s Day is one of my favorite holidays, only because I love LOVE. Let’s be honest, when I was in high school and it was all about receiving those damn colored carnations…not so much. It used to make my stomach knot and lurch. I’d spend the whole day wondering if I was going to get a carnation? What color would it be? Who would it be from? I knew more than likely there would be no red carnations…the guy I was “in love with” had graduated high school my freshman year. So, as I was doodling on my book covers “D loves J” he was off being a semi somewhat grown up ( granted he was dating a 15 year old so there was that) but he was definitely NOT worrying about sending carnations to my Spanish class, red or otherwise. Of course, there was always the possibility of a white or pink carnation from a friend but there was also a very slim possibility of the illusive red carnation from a “secret admirer”. Hey, it was the 80’s and I had seen one too many John Hughes films. Long story short, I was dating my Jake Ryan, so in all reality any admirer would have probably been more like Anthony Michael Hall’s character, Farmer Ted, but I was 15 and my mind was not fully developed yet. God help me, I didn’t know any better. That WAS Valentine’s Day.
These days, Valentine’s Day is looking into the eyes of my gorgeous little girls and seeing the Big Guy. Valentine’s “Day” is a weekend long celebration filled with chocolates, quality time together, and good food prepared with love by the Big Guy. It’s little unexpected surprises and beautiful pink tulips.It’s knowing with complete and utter certainty that I am exactly where I am supposed to be with the man I was meant to love. It’s being comfortable in my own skin. It’s watching the Big Guy hand out peculiar gifts to his girls (i.e. Squinkies and Chi hairdryers) and smiling because he knows us so well. When he gave the girls Squinkies, I thought OK, not very love day like but they’ll enjoy it.Me, what can I say, I needed a new hairdryer and the one he bought me was like the Dyson of hairdryers.Not romantic but I’ll take it!
But I could not ,for the life of me, understand why he was urging the girls to sample the chocolates before dinner. I was infuriated ” No! Wait until after dinner!” The Big Guy, ” No! It’s just a piece of candy…let them open it NOW!” WTF? I’m not going to lie, I was a little perturbed but since he said it in front of them, I agreed to it. Of course then I had to open the giant heart shaped candy tin for them.
Believe me when I tell you that I was more than a little annoyed that they were about to consume chocolate before dinner. I struggled with it,finally it popped open and there strewn amongst the candy were 3 small pearl colored boxes. Obviously, I thought to myself, what the hell kind of candy is this? I look at him and he has got that huge Big Guy ear to ear grin on. Of course, this is very much like him to make me crazy first. I open a box and inside was a set of diamond and ruby earrings, a ring and necklace.There were three boxes, one for each of his girls. My heart melted.
I love this man every day of any week but it’s these little unexpected things that make me swoon a little deeper.I think he also likes to infuriate me because it kicks the passion level up a notch. So, as the dutiful wife that I am, I will try to oblige. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m sure many more times in our lifetime, the Big Guy is everything..I never knew, I always wanted. I didn’t marry the Jake Ryan who didn’t send me red carnations, and I didn’t marry the Anthony Michael Hall character. The sweet, cute, loyal, lovable character. The thing they never tell you is that Jake Ryan hits 25 and gets fat and bald. The other types of the world, try a little harder and don’t come into themselves until they are in their 20’s.
The Farmer Ted and Lloyd Dobbler types end up hotter, sweeter, sexier and with a lot more to offer a woman than the Jake Ryans.
The only thing that beats a Farmer Ted is, you guessed it the Lloyd Dobbler’s of the world. They are sexy beast, professional type men who treat their daughters like princesses, their wives like queens and their dogs like part of the family.Those my friends are who you grow old with. Those are the smart, witty,funny, successful guys who make great husbands and fathers. I mean what the hell, we all should have known by the boom box in the rain.
The truth is the Farmer Ted’s and Lloyd Dobbler’s of high school grow up to be the Jake Ryan’s of adulthood. I just wish someone told us that in high school. I thank God every day that I opened my heart to my Lloyd Dobbler otherwise known as God’s greatest gift to me. Yes, I did just say that out loud. I’m sure the Big Guy will remind me of it too but I don’t care.
I love you baby! Thanks for letting me love you.Thank you for loving me more than I knew was possible for a man to love a woman. (Oops that may have been me missing the Big Guy and chocolate wine talking) You complete me! ( oh yeah, that had to be the Chocovine talking:)
In all seriousness, the Big Guy rocks my world..13 Valentine’s Days together and every year, he rocks it a little more!So here’s me doing my part to kick the passion up a notch!
Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!
And people think Mommies don’t know how to have fun! Happy Love Day! Hope you’re all kicking it up a notch!
So did you marry a Jake Ryan, Farmer Ted or Lloyd Dobbler?
2011/02/14
Love and Marriage
Marriage, I have been thinking about it a lot lately. My marriage has been pretty easy. I know, you are thinking, what the hell is she talking about she is constantly bitching and moaning about this “commuter marriage” situation. This is true. But I mean, overall, its been seamless. Even with all the stress of the space between us, there has never been a moment when I have thought to myself..”This marriage isn’t working” (Excuse me while I..Pssst Psst ( That was me spitting , you know to alleviate any potential for the evil eye or some marriage curse to come raining down on my head like a flood of boulders).
No matter the space or time between us, the finances, the stress, babies, dirty socks on the floor, two complete opposites sharing a life; it has always come down to this, we love one another.I know they say that you can’t live on love alone but one thing that the Big Guy and I share is that we both firmly know, without a doubt, that it is what sustains us.My faith in him and his love for me is unwavering, like my faith in God. And he knows that no matter what situation life throws at us, I am for him, forever. My love for him is unquestionable.Its so beyond reproach that I don’t have any reservations ever about being completely myself with him.Its been like that since our beginning and I think that is what makes us work.
He is my soft place to land when I get all worked up, stressed out and go flying off the handle…because I have a tendency of doing that. I am his catalyst. I push him forward and lift him up. We are the yin to the others yang.But above it all, we knew going in that marriage is work. I say it’s “easy” not because we don’t work at it but because the foundation is strong. Don’t get me wrong, we have our bad days. We fight ( well, mostly we bicker) and get on each others nerves.It’s not all perfect all the time. In fact, I personally believe ( and I say it all the time) I fight because I care. I think this marriage is worth fighting for, tooth and nail;scratching eye balls out ghetto style fighting if need be. If I didn’t get passionate about things, heated over debates, loud at disagreements..then there would be a problem. He knows this, so he lets me rage and is there when I need his shoulder. He is actually the complete opposite. He is calm, laid back, and lets things roll off his back. I admire that about him. I wish I could be like that, at least some of the times:)
I know several people who have divorced or separated and I can’t imagine how hard that must be.Not so much the starting over ( though I am sure that is not easy) or being alone but the letting go and giving up on your best friend. The part where you have to relinquish your forever. Suddenly, you are cast back out into the water to forge a new life for yourself. It’s not fair and it sucks. I can’t imagine and I hope I never have to know.
So, what do you think is the number 1 quality in a marriage? Transparency? Trust? Love? Passion? Friendship? All of thee above? None of thee above? Tell me what sustains your marriage?
2011/02/07
Friendly Flirting or is Facebook the Top Reason for Divorce?
I ran into a situation on Facebook last week that was foreign to me. It was as foreign as going to another planet. I’m sure many of you have been in this position, due to most of us being so social media/tech savvy /plugged in. Have you ever found yourself in the uncomfortable position of finding yourself reading a complimentary email from an old high school chum on Facebook? Or, perhaps, reading a flattering comment on one of your Facebook photos? What about engaging in a Facebook online chat with an old acquaintance that suddenly escalates from platonic and pleasant, to a little friendly flirting and eventually you find yourself floundering as you have landed right smack dab in the middle of uncomfortable-ville? Have any of you experienced this? What am I asking? Of course, you have.
READ ALSO: How to Tweet Your Way Into the Hearts of Complete Strangers
Don’t be shy. I won’t tell anyone. I’m just thinking out loud here. But what do you do? See, the Big Guy and I are very open…about everything. (No, I don’t mean our marriage is open. That bitch is locked up tighter than San Quentin prison.) But every once in a while, someone we went to high school with will friend he or I on Facebook or vice versa and then it goes a little something like this. The obligatory, “Hi, how have you been?” (Just because it’s rude to friend someone just to nose around their profile to see how fat they got or how ugly their spouses are, right?) This is usually reciprocated by an “I’m good. Married, 2 kids, great job, blah, blah blah!” But what it usually means is, “I’m OK, living back with my mom, I’m fat, I’m bald, and my wife has left me for some guy who has more money.”
Facebook is a time machine to your past

But then one of two things happens, either you say hi and check each other’s Facebook profile out. You spend a good half hour catching up on what they’ve been up to, who they’ve married, do they have kids, what is their station in life and after all this and you’ve perused their profile pics ( oh, don’t tsktsk me…I know you all do it. No way, I’m the only one using Facebook to check out what happened to everyone I used to go to high school with.) and you are certain that you dodged a bullet or are glad this person is in your past, then you are done. You never speak again. Maybe the occasional unmeaning “Happy Birthday” because all 457 of their other friends said it.
READ ALSO: One thing every woman should have
Or things can go this way on Facebook, you say hi and then comfort takes over and maybe some chemistry on one or the others part, coupled with a side order of loneliness and BOOM! combustible..blow up in your face flirtation…or is that friendly flirtation n Facebook? But really is there any such thing as friendly flirtation among married people? If the two are single…OK, go crazy. But if one or both are married, isn’t that a recipe for disaster? Maybe Facebook should change its name to Divorcebook? I mean seriously if you ask me…Facebook is starting problems. Between any love you’ve ever lost, chance you never took, or singles ads showing what you could have versus what you’ve already got…Facebook is an instigator.
Hey look who I found on Facebook
I think it is. I’m no fucking prude. I’m a certifiable touchy, feely kinda broad and I know that I’ve been guilty of a little friendly flirtation. So watch out..if we ever meet in person, I may be all huggy, kissy and ass smacking. ( not really but I will probably hug you out.) It’s no surprise to hear me say “Oh my God, your hair is so hot like that” to a friend (male or female, no difference to me. I’ve been married forever now and all you people are androgynous Ken dolls to me now. Whatever’s between your legs is of no concern to me) usually the Big Guy is standing right there. We all know, it’s me paying a compliment ( or in some cases being extremely generous) but everyone who knows me..knows that I am unabashedly in love with the Big Guy. So, when I say something of this nature, everyone knows that it’s JUST a compliment…its not an invitation for anything more. NEVER!
READ ALSO: The Reality of Being Born a Woman
But when you’re on Facebook and people can’t see facial expressions, or hear voice inflections and I’m only left with words and emoticons sometimes things get lost in translation and people hear what they want to hear or what they think the high school version of me might have meant. And there I am, smack dab in the middle of wondering is this friendly flirtation that they are retorting with or have they completely misunderstood the words coming out of my mouth? No one wants to seem like the crazy stay-at-home Mommy who is so far removed from the flirting/single scene that she imagines things to be something more than they really are but then again who wants to be the asshole who missed the signals and didn’t put a stop to the madness?
Recently, I had a small issue that I just assumed was like every other time before it; friendly flirtation on the part of an old friend. I reminded this friend that I was married several times and this was not the sort of attention that he should be wasting on an unavailable person. I thought this would be enough to halt the whole issue. But it continued with conditionals if you weren’t then, would you? Followed by, I would never fain to even ask..but if you asked me…. that sort of shit. And it left me feeling dirty and guilty and I had done nothing. When the Big Guy came home, I told him. I ALWAYS tell him when these things surface and he ALWAYS says with a shrug of disinterest “Whatever”. It’s not that he doesn’t care. It’s that he’s not threatened. He has no reason to be but I feel it’s just best to always be honest and open about these things lest they come back to bite you right back in your big ass. No thank you. I don’t really much care for being bitten in the ass..well, occasionally but that’s another post entirely.
My answer was to simply stay “offline” to be “unavailable” for conversation, friendly flirtation or marital problem instigating banter. In a day and time when people are meeting their best friends and soul mates online, it is no wonder to me that Facebook is probably, at least partly, responsible for a good percentage of marital problems and divorces. It’s just too easy, your spouse or partner pisses you off and oh, look at all the fish in the sea…right there at your fingertips just waiting to be engaged. So, I’m interested to know, Have you ever had this issue? What did you do? What was your reaction? Do you think it’s harmless flirtation or a train wreck waiting to happen? I always go with better safe than sorry, when it comes to my marriage…it’s too important an institution to fuck around with. If it comes between my marriage and hurting someone’s feelings, sorry someone!
Has an old flame ever found you on Facebook?
Facebook Causing Divorces Since 2004
2011/02/03
Rationale has No place in Affairs of the Heart
Life is too short to waste it on what ifs and whens.If you find happiness you must not only embrace it but take a chance and make a leap.Rationale has no place in affairs of the heart. Live Big!Love Big! Be Bold and have no regrets. That’s why we are putting the house on the market. The time for logic is not now.We’ve spent enough time being logical.The Big Guy and I started on a leap of faith, an engagement after only 4 months.That has turned out to be the best decision of our lives. So, to hell with waiting for the right time.The right time is now.We are making a leap.
2011/01/25
Mothering Single; F*cking sucks
This morning, I was awoken extra early by my hysterical 5 year old. She had a nightmare.When I went to her side and comforted her, in my half asleep state, I asked what her nightmare was. Through hyperventilation and tear stained cheeks, she blubbered, “I dreamed that Daddy could never come home.” She was absolutely frightened and overcome with sadness. Truth be told, we live with this fear every day of our lives. We have a commuter marriage. Which means he lives in another state 5 days a week for work, and I live here with our girls. I’m not sure that anyone can fully grasp this concept, unless you’ve lived through it. Our lives that were so closely knit and intertwined has devolved into two people who talk on the phone, forget what we’ve told each other or others we see on a daily basis. I don’t know how his day went every day,what he ate, if he’s sick or well. He’s missing first teeth lost, first days of class, all the every growing lists of children growing up. Me, I’m left alone and lonely.It’s a crap situation for all involved and I know most of you know the story. But when Bella had this dream, it made my heart seize with fear. The weather’s been bad , roads are icy and she was just so convinced that she never would see him again that I HAD to call to be sure he was OK. He answered, from the road, on his way to work. I told him what was going on, and she spoke to him.He squashed all fears and told her that he would see her tomorrow.He heard, what I was seeing. Our little girl distraught because she thought she’d never see her Daddy again. It’s a hard pill to swallow, even for us pros who have been doing this commuter marriage hell for 11 months.
They finished talking,he hung up and the next thing that happened was unexpected. I received a text from the Big Guy.Basically, I was told that I needed to move NOW versus our plan of us joining him when school was done for the year. I know you have all read the toll this commuter marriage has taken. It is hard. Most days, I want to chalk the whole thing and just go to him but there is a reason why we are doing this whole ordeal..the girls. Bella is in a great school with friends.In the beginning of school, this was not the case.She’s in kindergarten and it was hard in the beginning to form those bonds. I know some of you are thinking, but its only kindergarten. Well, last year at this same time, it was only preschool and it was in Virginia. I can’t do it to them again,however miserable I might be. This is their home,this is their town,this is their neighborhood, this is their comfort zone. Sure it sucks balls that the Big Guy doesn’t live with us on most days. Obviously, I hate going to bed every night without my husband, consoling children who are crying for him and doing it all by myself. Single mothering is hard and quite frankly, I fucking hate it! I’m pissed at the whole world that I have to do it. I’m married for Christ’s sake,this is NOT what I signed up for. But if we go now, I leave my own house to live with my in laws. We all know that people have their routines, its not going to be easy for any of us to all live in the same house. I’d say even on a very short term basis it’s going to be very near impossible even on good days. They are used to doing what they want,they’ve not had little kids living in the house in 30 years. They shouldn’t have to have to have another family cramping their style. You know how crazy kids can drive us and we’re their parents. Not to mention, we have our routine and that’s going to be completely disrupted.I’m used to doing what I want in my own house.Watching what I want, having impromptu dance parties,singing at the top of my lungs, coming and going, folding or not folding my laundry. Everything will be under a microscope. Freedom will be limited. I’m pretty sure I am going to need to be medicated at some point to deal with the stress.
The Big Guy just knows that his heart wants the girls and me with him. My heart wants the same, but my head is telling me this will be a mistake of epic proportions to go now.We can’t afford an apartment or another house until the one we have sells. That’s why the in laws offered that we could stay there. But, I’m sure they have their reservations too. And they are allowed to feel those reservations.It will be disruptive and difficult for everyone involved. But what do I do? He wants us together, and the heart wants what the heart wants. So,am I supposed to be the bad guy and the voice of reason? Or am I supposed to give everybody instant gratification but it may very well end badly in the long run? I’m so conflicted. And yes, in case you were wondering, the transition will be hardest on me. Aside from still having to do most stuff by myself because the Big Guy is gone all day at work ( 11 hours) I will have to be doing it all in somebody elses house, in a strange town,while my house sits empty waiting to be sold.I just feel like our lives have been in a state of upheaval for so long that I just about can’t stand it. I feel like if much more gets piled on me, I may freaking lose my shit. Every time I get a handle on the load of shit the world has piled on, somebody or something walks over and says hey let’s add this and see if it breaks her. Well, guess what? I’m tying to stay positive and keep my eye on the finish line but it doesn’t help when my partner says “Ahh, if its too hard just quit.” Why wait until I’ve ran over half the marathon to tell me that I didn’t need to run it at all? I need an all knowing person to tell me what to do.Jenny,Laura, Sarah, you’ve been where I’m at, what are your thoughts?
What would you do? Do you take the hard route and get immediate gratification or do you tough it out alone and do it the best way? Very interested in hearing everyone’s thoughts.
*Since writing this post, I have spoken to my friend Jen and bounced it all off an empathetic ear of someone who’s been where I am at. Thank God for girlfriends. Love you Jen. The Big Guy and I have decided that we have to do what’s best for our girls and ourselves, which for now, still means living in separate residences.But the house is going on the market in the next couple of weeks versus the original early spring date. And we’re working on maybe utilizing a work from home option occasionally to get us over the hump. In the mean time, keep us in your prayers:)
2011/01/20
RAW

If you have landed here tonight looking for whimsy, snark, or a mommy truism; you may want to stop reading. No, tonight is a post for me. Sometimes you just need a post where you can get it all out of your system; where you can rage, wallow, and come out the other end a stronger, better person for surviving. That’s what this post is going to be. This is me trying not to drown. If you are a woman and you’ve ever felt swelled up, rolled, and pinched into the corner that is your life and the gravity of reality has hit you all at once like a ton of bricks, this may be a post you can relate to. If not, I am happy for you.You are dismissed…
Today, I woke up after 10 full hours of sleep. Probably the most peaceful rest I’ve had in months, truly. My sleep is about as effective and complete as my 3 year old cleaning her room.Some things may get moved around, she goes through the motions, but in the end, the effort was useless.The room is NEVER any cleaner,but there is a perceived sense of “cleaned”..but not really. Every night, I more or less pass out from exhaustion than drift off into peaceful slumber.When I do go to sleep, its that Mommy one eye open, both ears functioning like dogs, and I wake if the dog farts in another room..across the house. It’s just the way I’m built. Probably much like you. But last night was different,last night..I relaxed before bed time ( like I did before kids), I watched a movie, and a let myself “fall” into sleep. It was glorious. I always took that for granted but it really is a wonderful thing to experience. But then I woke up.

Funny thing about a full night of restful sleep.It gives your mind time to rest, relax, repair itself and, heaven forbid, in my case, think clearly. I woke up this morning and the fog had lifted off my brain.Anyone who’s followed me for any length of time, knows my story. Quick recap; The Big Guy lives in another state Sunday through Friday ( due to work location)for the past 11 months. We (myself and my two littles) live here ( due to several external factors). He comes home on Friday nights ( this is my Christmas each and every week). It is hard. Really, really hard…on all of us.But we’ve been doing it for so long that I am on autopilot most days.Basically, living for the next Friday, the month, the year when this horrible living arrangement is over.Always, looking toward the end in sight.Worst of all; I love my husband.I honestly, truly; really love my husband and more than that I like him.
But this morning, with the fog dissipated and my brain functioning at full capacity, all of the sudden reality slapped me right across the face with the force of freight train and I could no longer restrain myself from facing reality. I had to get it out.I tried to hold it in. After all,the Big Guy is in this same situation and I try not to let on how hard this is for me. I admit to having a mini meltdown every 3 months or so, but this was like nothing I’ve ever felt. It was overwhelming, raw pain. It was like losing someone, or something and then I realized..I am. We are being robbed of our life together. It’s NOT fair.
I guess I should tell you the whole story of this morning.I woke up fine and then, I realized it was Sunday ( which means the Big Guy is leaving..again) which normally leaves me with a knot in the pit of my stomach but today it was like somebody stabbed me in the chest. At that very moment, I was making breakfast for the girls who have decided that they are going to refuse me everything I offer them, at least three times. And that is what cracked me. I started to tear up, I couldn’t eat because I couldn’t swallow anything with that giant lump in my throat and I walked away so the girls wouldn’t see. My emotions were overwhelming me.I was drowning.
Then lunch rolled around, I served the girls lunch..same thing.They didn’t like what it was, why did I give them this;I should know better; and they both refused again. To which, the weight was too much and I broke. I started to cry this time, part anger; part despair; part frustration. Then I went to the bathroom and I cried for what seemed like forever but I think it was more like 45 minutes.Every time, I thought I was done I’d remember one more piece of shit that was piled on my plate. Finally, I pulled it together enough to come out of the bathroom.The Big Guy was concerned and checking on me, I think he thought I was trying to escape down the toilet bowl. I felt as though I had some catharsis, crying my heart out..there in my desperately needing to be cleaned bathroom. Then I came out.
He had sent the girls to their rooms and the Big Guy was helping me take down the Christmas tree in silence and then I opened my mouth to speak. My heart was heavy, so heavy that I felt as though trying to force the words out of my mouth might choke me to death but I had to do it. He stood there in silence and listened as I fought for my life. I told him how I have no one to talk to and I’m all alone. I told him how I’ve been so busy trying to be strong for everyone else that I’ve neglected to deal with my own feelings. I opened up about how hard this is on me and the girls. How they are acting out in anger to the situation.They are hurt, they are confused. I explained how I feel like a failure as a mother because I am so tired, and so busy and always patching just to get by instead of nurturing because it’s all I can do to get by from one day to the next. I told him how I am overwhelmed by never having enough money because we are living in separate places, leading separate lives. I told home how much that bothers me. I told him how I feel like a failure at my dreams because its just one more thing that I don’t have time for. I feel like I am not utilizing my opportunities in a way I am supposed to. I see my friends, my age, achieving their goals, managing their families, making head way on their dreams…I feel like I am banging my head on a wall..a brick wall…falling short in every single category. On top of all that, the thing that I think actually made the weight too much to bear, the plans we had to be together this summer has been put on hold. We had a place to stay but now that choice is no longer an option (one of the reasons I hate putting my happiness in the hands of others). So now, the end in sight that has kept me going all these months..is gone. This was too much today. This broke me..but only for a day.
I’ve got it all off my chest,I cried, I screamed, I raged and now,I am moving on. Just one more thing I feel like a failure at, I am always positive. I am a half full type of girl. I always believe that everything is possible through hard work and determination and I truly believe that. I do, with all my heart, but my problem is I haven’t been acknowledging the situation. I’ve been so busy getting through it that I’ve not been dealing with it. This is me, feeling sorry for myself…for 24 hours, acknowledging, admitting that it is HARD, sucking it up and moving on. I will not be defeated. This situation has not broken me, as I first thought; it has bent me, it has rattled me and I will move forward stronger with an ever greater determination. I make my own success and happiness; that is what I am focusing on. I will tread water until I regain my strength to swim, but I will not drown.
Have you ever felt like you were overwhelmed in your life? In motherhood? How do you deal with it? What do you do to get over the hurdles of motherhood and life?
2011/01/10