Last night, I came slightly undone from a book ( The Night Before Kindergarten) and then I proceeded to have a complete meltdown when Bella misplaced her beloved Fifi ( the lovey she has had her entire life and she can’t sleep without). I totally thought I had a grip on all of this first day stuff. I mean , I am reasonable, I knew there would be emotions. My undoing by the book, I did not anticipate. But after I put her to bed, she came out of her room asking for her beloved Fifi. It all suddenly became very critical. It was like I felt as if I were smothering and my only salvation was to find that damn lovey. I was brought to tears by the misplacement of the little, fuzzy ball of pink.It wasn’t really the pink poodle, it was that it was so symbolic of her being little. How could that damn dog disappear on such a vital night of her short existence? Then it all got put into perspective, very calmly Bella said: “Mommy, its OK, I’ll try and sleep without her tonight.”
( Inside my head conversation) WHAT????NO, NOT YET! It’s TOO SOON!You NEED the dog. YOU are JUST a BABY!!!MY BABY!
It hurt so bad but I was so proud of her. Is this kid awesome or what? Especially considering what a basket case her Mommy has become in the past week. Of course, we found Fifi. I think we searched more for my soothing than hers, but in the end, we all slept better.
This morning, I awoke with a stomach ache. The same exact one I got every day before my own first day of school. She woke up about a half hour before the alarm went off. She was so excited and I was so excited for her. Being a Mother on days like this is much like being a little bit rapid cycling bi polar, your emotions are all over the place.One minute you are overjoyed and the next crying like a sad little baby. The morning went off without a hitch. She put on her “lucky underwear” as she calls them, her knee socks, special headband that she chose for the first day ( because “Mommy, I need a little sparkle), and her uniform ( her “Unicorn ” as her baby sister calls it) and she twirled and squealed, and struck a couple poses.
Then she strapped on her brand new backpack that she was so proud of, grabbed her matching lunch box and she bounded for the car. I was lagging behind because I knew the moment that I walked through that door, I walked into a new phase of our lives. I lingered in the doorway for a solid minute before closing it behind me.
We arrived at school and she jumped out of the car,so excited. Gabs (the same child who had a complete meltdown at last year’s first day of preschool) right behind her, like a baby duck following her mother..both ahead of me and the Big Guy. Because as you remember from yesterday’s post, the Big Guy was there to hold my hand as I let go of Bella’s.
So, she gets in line with a the new Kindergartners. As she walked away, she wavered ever so slightly. But she lifted her head and kept walking forward. This is so symbolic of what kind of child she is. She never cries about it, she chin ups and sucks it all right up and gets through it. She is very stoic for a 5 year old. How I admire her braveness.
She got in line and the little girl behind her was holding on to her Mommy for dear life and crying sobbing uncontrollably. Then it became like watching your baby start to fall over when they are learning to walk, Bella’s little lip started to quiver and I could see her becoming overcome with emotion. I quickly got in her line of sight and flashed her the biggest smile I have ever smiled. I just wanted to be her sunshine and assure her that this day was going to be awesome! She quickly recovered, I grabbed her hand and we walked inside together.
After the long walk down to her room ( I have a pretty good idea what it feels like walking on death row to your execution now) we got to her hook and the her classroom. The Big Guy, myself, Gabs and Bella all took a deep breath and walked into the room ( another door). We stumbled to her seat, fumbled to put on her name tag as the Big Guy and Gabs videotaped from the reading rug.
I stood by my Bella and smiled at her and watched as her trepidation evolved into excitement once again. Then the dreaded words, ” Children please give your parents a big hug goodbye and tell them you will see them in a bit!” ( At least that’s the best I can remember of what they said, as I was fighting back tears and it was taking all my will to contain myself in front of my girl). Gabs embraced her sister like she was sending her off to war, the Big Guy hugged and kiss her repeatedly and pulled back teary eyed ( so much for being my strength). Lastly, I bent down and whispered to Bella, ” Be friends with the sad little girl.” Bella”I will Mommy” Me: “Bella, I am so proud of you! Have a great day! I love you so much and we are so proud of you!”Bella:”I know Mommy!I love you too!” Then I lingered and held the hug for longer than I should have and I kissed her more than I thought possible and then she said this giggling:” Mommy, stop kissing me so much. You are going to squish me to death on my first day of K
INDERGARTEN!” I kissed her one more time, I took a deep breath, and I let go of her little hand and I walked out the door! My eyes were wet, my heart was sad, my daughter was amazing!