I just dropped Bella off at kindergarten roundup/2 hour orientation at our churches school. I know she is in good hands. I know its only for two hours. I know she loves it. But just like the first day of preschool, she had on her “nervous” face. My girl is a very brave, get through anything kinda little girl. Don’t get me wrong, this girl can whine with the best of them but when its something important..she knows. She sucks it right up and carries on. No tears, no argument, no tantrum. She is amazing. Anyone, who has a child, knows that as happy as our child’s true smile in the face of happiness can make us feel, is how equally terrible our child’s “nervous” face can make us feel. The only thing more heartbreaking is the real “scared ” or truly “sad” face that I ,personally, never want to see.We want to make everything easy and safe for our child, but like most milestones/firsts in our child’s life, we can’t protect them from everything. Some things they simply have to work through. Like when they were learning to walk and would fall, or when they were learning that fire was hot and decided to touch the glass front of the fireplace. We can try and
warn prepare them or make the house safe but we can’t stop everything , short of placing them inside of a bubble of love with no contact with the outside world.I think the safest place for them would be to just hang out in the womb until they were around 25. Of course, that could make life a little uncomfortable for us Mommies.
This morning went a little smoother than I expected. Her little sister didn’t go full on crazy, when we dropped her off. Remember the first day of preschool incident? Gabs dropping to her knees and screaming “Bella..My Bella” it sounded a lot like Brando’s “Stella”. It was heartbreaking.In the end, it was what caused my inappropriate breakdown in the middle of the grocery store ( at least I was out of sight of Bella). Today, Gabs in her infinite maturity looked at me and said, “Mommy, where Bella be? Why she not come with us” To which I answered, ” She has to stay at school for a couple hours to meet her new teacher.” I was waiting for the drama. I was all ready to do the scoop and run quick exit of the building. Surprisingly, Gabs nonchalantly says, “OK, Mommy!Me love Bella!”What? Was I the only one having the slight breakdown. Apparently, Gabs has matured beyond my years in the past 7 months. Well, I wasn’t the only one…all the other Mommies and most of the Daddies, left with overflowing eyes.
It got me thinking. I did this last year for preschool,the first day of children’s liturgy, now for roundup. I’m sure for the first day of 1/2 day Kindergarten and then again for full day 1st grade. When does this pain go away? Seriously, its like every time I turn around a little piece of my heart is being ripped from my chest. Its completely awful.I thought my heart being broken days were over when I got married. Why is it no one told me that I’d fall more deeply in love with my children than any man I had ever known? Probably the same reason no one told me how bad labor actually was, I wouldn’t have believed them if they had. The pain of labor, wow..that takes me back. Who knew that was just the beginning of the pain but at least that was tolerable because there was an end in sight. All they are doing is growing up, becoming more independent ( as I want them to be. I want them to realize as much of their potential as is possible) but it breaks my friggin heart on a daily basis. What they don’t tell you in the parenting manual is that from the moment these little heart breakers exit the womb, you spend every day having to let go, just a little. I think its nature/God’s way of preparing us parents for the big exodus to college at the age of 18. If we didn’t start letting go in small doses at the age of 3, we’d never be able to survive when they left for college. It’s not fair. Thank God with that comes the ability to love with no bounds and to have that love returned to you , every single second of every single day. My baby’s can keep taking pieces of my heart because just like it grew to accommodate each new child, there is an infinite amount of times it will regenerate to supply a lifetime of love for them both. So, take it….take another little piece of my heart now baby!