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a Mother's heart, love letter from a mother's heart, love letter, sisters, girl mom

This is my love letter from a mother’s heart for my daughters. For all the days of my life, I carry you in my heart. I carry your heart with me and  I give you mine in return; a love letter from a mother’s heart. In the few and far between quiet moments of motherhood, I often contemplate what the great lessons are that I want to impart upon my daughters. What wisdom that I can share to make them better people, to make their lives easier and more full before they are grown and I am in the letting go stage.

READ ALSO: Love Letter to my daughter on her 7th birthday

My hearts I write you this love letter from a mother’s heart,

Live your life with integrity: Do not compromise your beliefs, your faith, and your morals. Fight to win but fight clean. Always stand up for what you believe in, even if it is the unpopular opinion.

Be Yourself: You are the best you that there will ever be. No one can do you like you. You are a one of a kind. You may not always feel that you fit the mold, but that is because you are special. Everyone is special in his or her own way. Know that always.

Live your life honestly: Always be honest with yourself and honest with others. There is no room for lies. It fosters distrust and a disingenuous perception of the kind of person that you are in your life. Wear your honesty with pride.

Family first: Always put family above all else. You may not always like them but always love them. Friends, careers, money will all come and go in your life but when you need unconditional love, and support your family will always be there.

Your sister is your best friend; no matter if you pull one another’s hair today. She will be the one who will hold your hand when you welcome your first baby into the world. She will know your sorrow when your father and I are no longer here. She will keep your secrets and love you always.

Live your life with respect: Have a deep and abiding respect for who you are and others will treat you with respect. Always respect others; beliefs, their choices, and how they carry themselves in the world. You do not have to agree but you cannot condemn a man because his beliefs or ways are not your own. There is room enough for all of us.

Love: Love big and love hard. When/if it doesn’t work out, mourn the loss and move on. You will have many loves in your life, enjoy and experience them all for their purpose. They are making you ready for your great love.

Faith; My child, have the same faith and love for yourself that you do in your friends, your family, and your God. You are amazing!

Be fearless; do not let anyone tell you that you can’t do anything because if you set your mind to something, where there is a will, there is always a way. Always. Perseverance, hard work and dedication to your dreams are the recipe for exhausting potential and pursuing passions. Do this always.

Breathe. Slow down and enjoy the people and experiences in your life. Life is short but it is amazing and the adventures you will have along the journey and the people you will meet can never be replaced. Walk gingerly on your journey of life and do not run the race.

Be happy. If it makes your heart smile and enriches your life do it. Don’t care about what other people think. There are little moments of bliss that we may never know because we are too busy worrying about what others think is relevant. Follow your heart.

With All the Love a Mother’s Heart can hold (to the moon and back again)

I love you and will always be here for you, no matter what you do, who you become or mistakes you may make. A mother’s love is here to pick you up when you stumble when you fall. Therefore, know this always. Even when I am gone you will always be with me in my heart.

READ ALSO: When a tattoo heals your heart after a loss

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it

e.e. cummings

What lesson or wisdom would you impart upon your child? What would you want for your child to carry with him or her in their heart?

What would your love letter from a mother’s heart say to your child?

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Jackie Burkle

Throat Punch Thursday~jackie burkle,Huxley,Iowa,twins,infanticide

Jackie Burkle ~What is wrong with the mother’s of the world? Honest to God, what the fuck is wrong with all these sub par, crazy bitch mom’s lately? It seems every other day in the news, there is a mom who has either lost a child to some sick bastard, killed her child, or her child has been killed because she was such a shitty mother in the first place. Case in point; Casey Anthony, Tarah Souder, etc. I can go on for days. I am so sick of reading about people killing kids. What has the world come to? Today’s throat punch recipient is yet another mom, Jackie Burkle, who has committed heinous acts while employing the Mommy moniker. Throat Punch to you Jackie Burkle of Huxley, Iowa. I don’t care what your circumstances may be, there is NO excuse for killing your two newborn twins.

Jackie Burkle

Jackie Burkle; Cold Blooded Twin Killer?

(AP)  DES MOINES, Iowa — An Iowa woman (*Jackie Burkle AKA CRAZY BITCH) accused of killing her newborn twin daughters after giving birth at home was ordered held Wednesday on $1 million bond. That’s it? I think they should keep her uterus as collateral.)

Jackie Burkle, 22 ( so young to be so fundamentally fucked up. Hmmm? How old was Casey Anthony when she got away with murder?), of Huxley, was charged with two counts of first-degree murder in the deaths of her newborn twins last week. She made her initial court appearance Wednesday and was being held in the Story County jail. ( Honestly, I’m surprised that she’s survived this long in general population. Criminal Mommies take baby killers pretty seriously!) A telephone message left for her attorney was not immediately returned.

Police found the infants’ bodies Saturday in the trunk of Burkle’s car, parked in front of her home, across the street from the police department in the town of about 2,800 people, about 20 miles north of Des Moines. ( Can we say world’s dumbest criminal? ACROSS.THE.STREET.FROM.THE.POLICE.DEPARTMENT!!!!!)

According to court records, police went to the duplex where Burkle lived after receiving a call to check on her. (Apparently,someone had an inkling that this broad was touched in the head. But I wonder,if they cared enough to call the cops to check on her; why not check on her themselves?)

Court records show Burkle was seen Jan. 5 at work and “appeared to be pregnant.” She was seen at work two days later and did not appear to be pregnant “with a completely different appearance.” ( Yeah, the look of a psychotic infant killer.I’d imagine that changes a person.)

Jackie Burkle :What were You thinking?

Police have released few details but said Wednesday that Burkle lived her with parents. A telephone message left at a number for a listing at the same address was not immediately returned.( how could her parents NOT know that she was pregnant? I notice if my girls get a new freckle.What kind of mental bend did they do to this girl to make her so afraid or disassociated to have a baby babies that she not only hid  but killed upon their arrival? Who delivered these babies? It’s hard to imagine a 22 year old delivering twins on her own,right?)

Burkle’s family issued a statement Wednesday afternoon asking for privacy. ( privacy to get their story straight!)

“The events of the past few days have been incredibly devastating,”  ( yeah, devastating that your daughter is a killer and going to end up on some crime show called When mothers Attack or getting herself Throat Punched for the entire interwebs to see!) her family said. “This is only the beginning of a very long and painful process. However, the family of Jackie Burkle does not have any comment at this time.”

Huxley Police Chief Mark Pote said Burkle is not married and that investigators were working to identity the children’s father. ( Yeah, because she’s probably like a praying mantis and after they mated she ripped his head off and ate it and then hid the rest of the body. The police may want to check the trunk of any other vehicles the family may own.) Burkle has no other children, ( who are living or can be found!) he said.

Neighbors and “several people” who were interviewed by police did not report hearing or seeing anything unusual, ( maybe Jackie Burkle is a Scientologist; silent birth bitches!) Pote said.

He declined to provide any details about how the children died or the condition of their bodies when they were found. ( I don’t even want to know the condition.) It also was unknown why Burkle gave birth at home (because Jackie Burkle had NO intention of keeping them.You look mighty conspicuous if you have your baby in a hospital and then kill them.These were Down Low twins.), Pote said.

“There’s going to be a lot of unanswered questions for everyone, including law enforcement, for a while,” ( No shit! This mental midget is not going to just give you all the details. Maybe they should haul in Casey Anthony’s ass and ask her, since obviously this Jackie Burkle was a fan! Wasn’t Caylee in the trunk too?) the chief said.

Bill Walljasper, a spokesman for Casey’s General Store, said a co-worker of Burkle’s called police after noticing a physical change in her appearance and became concerned about her health. ( Maybe they should have been concerned when Jackie Burkle was hiding a pregnancy for 10 months? I think nosey is more the appropriate word for what he felt not concern.)

He said Burkle, who had worked at the store for more than six months, was scheduled to work the day police were called. She had come into the store but Walljasper said he didn’t know if she came in to work or as a customer. The store is only a few blocks from Burkle’s home.( Maybe Jackie Burkle was trying to buy some supplies, you know; a shovel, lime, a hack saw. She should have bought a rope and hung herself.)

“It’s a very tragic event,” he said. “It’s a very hard one to cope with.” ( yeah, because the only way that it effects him is because he’s short a worker and his traffic will increase due to freaks who think its cool to walk where a murderer once stocked shelves.)

Autopsies were performed Monday but final results, including lab tests, will not be available for four to six weeks.

Michael Motsinger, special agent in charge with the Iowa Division of Criminal Investigation, said the infants survived the birth but he did not know if they were full-term.

Court records show when police arrived at her home Burkle agreed to go to a hospital and have a blood test that indicated she had been recently pregnant. She acknowledged she gave birth to twins and told officers where to find the bodies. ( I don’t know why she killed them but I’d say it was probably fear of something; whether it were being a mother or her parents finding out or no help or whatever, but she could have abandon them or gave them up for adoption!)

She also acknowledged that she “acted or committed certain acts to terminate the lives” of the babies on Jan. 6, court records show. ( well, at least I give her credit for being more of a woman than that piece of shit Casey Anthony , at least she told the truth and faced her crime.)

Motsinger declined to elaborate on how the infants were killed, citing the ongoing investigation.

A preliminary hearing was scheduled for Jan. 20. If convicted of first-degree murder, Burkle would face a mandatory sentence of life in prison without parole. ( unless they discover that her parents forced her to do it, or she was raped for the last 20 years by the couple who kidnapped her and made her their sodomized sex slave, the father was the devil or she is just completely fucking crazy then this is the best place for her. The only other place she deserves to be, in my opinion is a mental institution.I think she sounds pretty deranged, not necessarily a sociopath because by admitting guilt she is showing remorse in some way.) Right?)

I am sure there is more to this case than meets the eye. This Throat Punch is only my opinion on the facts that have been presented thus far. Everyone is innocent until proven guilty or confessing, right? But today on Throat Punch Thursday….

Jackie Burkle, Throat Punch for YOU!

Hope you will link up your Throat Punch Thursday posts with me. I wanted to extend a personal invite to all of you to link up any posts in which you air a grievance, call out any asshatery,or just dole out a well deserved throat punch to one of societies shortcomings or political douche canoes. If not this week, I do it EVERY single Thursday and would love for any or all of you to join in! All you have to do is grab the Throat Punch Thursday button ( listed under the “about” tab at the top of the page), put it in your blog post and link up. If you’d like to stay in the Throat Punch know, I’d love it if you would email subscribe ( as GFC will stop working soon).

If you are more in the mood for funny today, at noon EST , I will be live at Aiming Low talking about Releasing the Kraken! Oh yeah, I went there and I can;t believe I did but if you are into laughing really hard about bodily functions, stop over there and pick up some new lingo for what not even Beano can stop. What are your thoughts on the Jackie Burkle case? Is Jackie Burkle a cold blooded killer or just a victim herself?

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Sick Daddy Walking.Really does that even exist? Seriously, when I get sick the world keeps on moving on.Asses need wiped, BooBoos kissed, Dinner made. Lunches packed, Laundry folded.Children chauffeured, dressed, bathed, coddled and loved. The show must go on.(PERIOD)

But when the Big Guy, or any man for that matter, is sick,the world comes to a screeching halt.Full on, falls to the ground, assumes the fetal position and can NOT move.Sniffles are sure to be whooping cough. Diarrhea must be cholera or dysentery. A fever, oh shit,he’s pretty sure its the bubonic plague.Vomiting must be fatal food poisoning.No matter the ailment,the end result is the same. They are dying and you must sit by their bedside and nurse their body while stroking their, (ehem) ego!

My husband and I have had the exact same virus, simultaneously and I had to get up and take care of the kids as he whimpered from the other bedroom ( because apparently when he’s sick he needs to be alone in another room to get his rest…really,novel idea. Can I borrow it sometime?I need some sleep too!)”What do you want me to do ( cough ,cough)?You shouldn’t have to do it all by yourself,( cough, sneeze, sniffle..repeat)but if you’re getting up,I think Gabs needs to be wiped!” Commence eye rolling on my part.

Have I told you about the time I had the stomach flu so badly that I vomited for 9 hours straight,every half hour on the half hour? Well, I did and guess what happened on the 9th hour?I finally felt well enough to walk to the kitchen to get a glass of water for my dehydrated self ( it was about midnight)when my then 4 year old walks out of her bedroom, we meet in the hallway, and she proceeds to say “Mommy, I don’t feel so…BLEH>>>>” all over my feet.As I was cleaning her up and trying to clean up the hallway and …my feet, the Big Guy walks out, only to say, “You Ok?” I say yes (yes, in the vomit was not acid like and had not burned off any of my skin or limbs. But not yes as in, I’m OK, life is dandy with vomit on my toes)and try to explain what had happened…to his back as he was headed back to bed.Guess what I got to do that night, after a long day of puking? You guessed it, I got to stay up all night with a sick daughter who kept puking.What did the Big Guy get to do? SLEEP!But if the tables had been flipped, you can bet your ass that I would have had to stay up and hold the barf bucket, wipe vomit off of faces, and soothe all general ill physical pains and emotions.

Just wondering if this happens at your house too? I love my Big Guy but there is something about a man sized baby that makes me want to gouge his eyes out.I just don’t understand why they get to be all baby like and get pampered and stroked and we have to soldier on. I’m not a soldier, nor have I ever been, and I don’t want to soldier on.When I’m sick, I want to receive the same care and attention the Big Guy and the kids expect from me.I want to be allowed the simple luxury of lying around in my jammies, sipping hot tea, while the world soldier’s on without me. For now,( cough, cough, sniff, sniff, and a trifecta of sneezes)I will soldier on!

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Coming off this past weekend where I just spent every ounce of my energy tending to two very sick little girls, you can imagine my dismay when I called my own Mother this morning ( who was supposed to be coming for a week long visit)  only to find out she has changed her mind.

It went a little something like this:

Me: “Hi, Mommy (Yes, I still call her Mommy). So, when are you getting here?”
Mom:Hesitation in her voice, damn she must have read my FB updates about sick kiddies, “Well, I am trying to figure that out. When do you think would be best?”
Me: “Well, I thought you were coming tomorrow.”
Mom: “Well, I’m trying to figure out what will work out best for BOTH of us.”
Me: “Mom, the girls have both been sick all weekend. I am exhausted and to be honest, I think I am getting sick too. I could really use your help with the girls THIS week!”
Mom: ” Sick? What kind of sick? I think maybe I should come the week before the 4th of July.”
I think as soon as I confirmed the sickness rumors and she heard the word “sick” all she heard from then on out was white noise.

WTF????? Did she misunderstand that I just asked my MOMMY for help? What part of “I need help with the girls” is she having trouble understanding?

Me: ” Mom, are you coming or not?”
Mom: “Well, what do you think would be best?” ( I thought we just went over this!)
Me: Again, am I not speaking English? “I think I need you THIS week. The girls are getting well and will want to be playing outside and I will want to be in bed dying.”
Mom: “Ok, well you let me know.(Hello? Is this thing on?)  Oh, by the way, can you come here this weekend for you brother’s birthday party?” Commence my eye rolling and seizure having.
Me: WTF???Seriously, what the hell is going on here? Where is Ashton Kutcher, surely I must be getting punked! I love this woman but I am thoroughly confused. Apparently, we were playing a game of Chinese telephone that I had no idea that I was engaged in because she understood absolutely nothing of what I was saying.” OK, Mom. I will call you back.”

Apparently, my Mom doesn’t want to come take care of my children while I am sick but won’t actually say no. She’s from the south, they don’t like to be “ugly” about things. So, to recap; as I was being Supah Dupah Mommy this weekend taking care of any and all urges and whims of my poor sick children, my Mom is probably at home , at thsi ver moment, Lysoling the receiver to be sure she doesn’t catch my cooties through her land line. How can she be my Mom and we be such different types of Mommies? I should add that she only lives an hour away and she ALWAYS tells me , “When you are sick, if you ever need me to come help with the girls..JUST CALL!” I did! So much for that idea. Now, here I go back to my whining sick children ( Gabs is lying in bed making a sound like a dying calf) as I try my best not to go delirious with my own fever. Happy Mothering!

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Ever had an instance in your adult life as a Mommy where you felt like you were instantaneously back in high school? That instance of which I talk is Mean Mommies; otherwise known as Mommies who like to bully.None of us are perfect, we’re all just trying to survive and get through this part of our life without significantly damaging our children and hopefully with all of our hair in tact. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely Love being a Mommy. It is exactly where I always knew, that I always wanted to be; sharing my life with some amazing little people, loving on them and making some memories. But there are those times when we all need a little lifeline. I’ve referenced my issue with talking incessantly when I am around other Mommies. It’s the sheer fact that I need that adult conversation to keep my brain from turning to mush. I also happen to love having that sounding board to bounce all of my craziness off of and have someone else nod there head in agreement. These little things are what get us through the rough times. These small gestures from our sisters in the field; help us to make sense of it all and put it into perspective; to actually enjoy this wonderful part of life we are experiencing, regardless of how exhausted or stressed out we may be. Sometimes, we put our hand out for a hand up, we make ourselves vulnerable to a new person because we think we could all use another friend and instead of friendship extended, we get bupkis. Shut down and denied like a husband trying to get some sugar during that first month you’re home with a newborn. It just ain’t happening. I’ve watched it happen. A Mommy introduces herself into a conversation between two other Mommies, at some child oriented function i.e gymnastics, Gymboree, ballet, soccer, and she is shut completely down. Denied. Ignored. The other Mommies act as if they never even heard her speak. It is not pretty and it is certainly not nice.Don’t we want to be better examples than that for our own children? I don’t want my girls running around thinking they are better than anyone else, or having a sense of entitlement. We are all people and ,as such, we should all be treated equally. Please, Mean Girls are bad enough..is there really any place in this world for Mean Mommies? I think not!

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My oldest had an appointment with a talent agency in Chicago yesterday. The whole “modeling” ball got rolling because my sweet little girl had seen Eloise goes to Hollywood  and promptly proclaimed,”Mommy, I want to be a Movie Star!” I sorta giggled to myself, because it just sounded funny to hear a 3 year old say those words. I’ve always been one to encourage my children to follow their dreams, so if that’s what she wants to be, who am I to tell her no? I am just a vehicle for her to use to achieve her goals and realize her potential, isn’t that what us Mommies do? We tell our kids that they can do and be anything, so if they actually decide to follow our advice..well, its time to put up or shut up. I never back down from a challenge, no matter how impossible the task may seem. I’d say becoming a professional actor is about as likely as becoming a paid published writer. I figured you gotta start somewhere and she’s cute, so let’s try modeling. She loves having her picture taken and I thought, an easy way to slowly move into that industry.  In Virginia, a nationally affiliated agency wanted her almost immediately and we were so excited. My daughter only appeared in 1 commercial but, hey that’s 1 more commercial then most of us,right? So,we relocate back to the Midwest and our agency in Richmond gave us a local contact in Chicago. The day of the interview, we drive downtown, both of us a little nervous. I was nervous because it was a new agency and I am hypersensitive to the fact that I can’t control what comes out of their mouth..for example; at the meeting in Virginia, I told the agent, “Look, if you are going to have any criticisms of her …those are for my ears only! Those can not, under any circumstances, be stated in front of her. You can’t unring a bell and I don’t want my 4 year old having her self esteem demolished!” There were no criticisms but my obligation is to my baby and I had to put that out there. Here we are 7 months later , right back where we started. I went in there a little anxious, to say the least. My daughter was a little overwhelmed from being in a new environment. We walk in, assess the situation ( its all very downtown). Our enthusiastically chipper  agent comes out to greet us. He escorts us back to the glass office (it felt like a fishbowl). The first question out of his mouth was, “Do you want to be a model?” “Why?” OK, wow, rapid fire for a 5 year old. She answers ,”I don’t know” (She was in full on bashful 5 year old mode..brilliant) “Do you like having your picture taken?” “Yes, I do!” and she flashes him a giant grin. Then he says, “Let’s go meet some other people,without Mommy. Mommy will stay here” In my head a plethora of questions flooded my mind , ” Why no Mommy? What’s wrong with Mommy? Where are you taking my baby? I don’t know you!” I got the feeling he didn’t like me. Then I realized he was trying to gauge whether or not I was a crazy stage Mom forcing her baby to live out Mommy’s dream. I felt slightly insulted.  When he returned, he was all smiles and giggles and announced that they would love to represent my little girl. I am assuming the jaunt away from me also served as a second opinion by another agent and also to see whether or not my daughter would freak out with me out of her sight. I was excited that they wanted to represent her but at the same time annoyed that they would think I could be a stage Mom:( I understand his concern, after all who wants a kid who is being forced to do this? I am sure there are lots of Mommies who come in there and force their kids to be in modeling/ show business (Lohans, Spears, Simpsons all come to mind) but not me! This was her idea. I am only trying to be supportive but yet, I was getting analyzed like I was a potential monster and my child was a victim of Munchhausen by proxy syndrome. I felt dirty and it took away some of the joy of the occasion. For the record, I am no crazy stage Mom…just a Mom, trying to give my children all of their little hearts desires. Maybe a crazy Mommy but I could care less if she is a model, an artist, a doctor,a  teacher, a librarian..as long as she’s happy and loves what she is doing.

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Just perpetually doing the dishes and (random thought alert*) it occurred to me… Why does that song say ,”When you get caught between the moon and New York City”. Yes, I have been guilty of singing the lyrics to that elevator Muzak once or twice but really, what the hell does it mean? I understand stuck between a rock and a hard place because I seem to dwell there quite often. But where exactly is the space that occupies between the moon and New York city? Outer Space? Just wondering out loud, any ideas? Ok, back to resume regularly scheduled perpetual dish washing. Oh yeah, it bothered me so much that I am actually blogging on my phone from the side of the sink:) Oh how I love the advancements of technology! Happy Tuesday!

-Truthful Mommy xoxo

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I just dropped Bella off at kindergarten roundup/2 hour orientation at our churches school. I know she is in good hands. I know its only for two hours. I know she loves it. But just like the first day of preschool, she had on her “nervous” face. My girl is a very brave, get through anything kinda little girl. Don’t get me wrong, this girl can whine with the best of them but when its something important..she knows. She sucks it right up and carries on. No tears, no argument, no tantrum. She is amazing. Anyone, who has a child, knows that as happy as our child’s true smile in the face of happiness can make us feel, is how equally terrible our child’s “nervous” face can make us feel. The only thing more heartbreaking is the real “scared ” or truly “sad” face that  I ,personally, never want to see.We want to make everything easy and safe for our child, but like most milestones/firsts in our child’s life, we can’t protect them from everything. Some things they simply have to work through. Like when they were learning to walk and would fall, or when they were learning that fire was hot and decided to touch the glass front of the fireplace. We can try and warn prepare them or make the house safe but we can’t stop everything , short of placing them inside of a bubble of love with no contact with the outside world.I think the safest place for them would be to just hang out in the womb until they were around 25. Of course, that could make life a little uncomfortable for us Mommies.
This morning went a little smoother than I expected. Her little sister didn’t go full on crazy, when we dropped her off. Remember the first day of preschool incident? Gabs dropping to her knees and screaming “Bella..My Bella” it sounded a lot like Brando’s “Stella”. It was heartbreaking.In the end, it was what caused my inappropriate breakdown in the middle of the grocery store ( at least I was out of sight of Bella). Today, Gabs in her infinite maturity looked at me and said, “Mommy, where Bella be? Why she not come with us” To which I answered, ” She has to stay at school for a couple hours to meet her new teacher.” I was waiting for the drama. I was all ready to do the scoop and run quick exit of the building. Surprisingly, Gabs nonchalantly says, “OK, Mommy!Me love Bella!”What? Was I the only one having the slight breakdown. Apparently, Gabs has matured beyond my years in the past 7 months. Well, I wasn’t the only one…all the other Mommies and most of the Daddies, left with overflowing eyes.
It got me thinking. I did this last year for preschool,the first day of children’s liturgy, now for roundup. I’m sure for the first day of 1/2 day Kindergarten and then again for full day 1st grade. When does this pain go away? Seriously, its like every time I turn around a little piece of my heart is being ripped from my chest. Its completely awful.I thought my heart being broken days were over when I got married. Why is it no one told me that I’d fall more deeply in love with my children than any man I had ever known? Probably the same reason no one told me how bad labor actually was, I wouldn’t have believed them if they had. The pain of labor, wow..that takes me back. Who knew that was just the beginning of the pain but at least that was tolerable because there was an end in sight. All they are doing is growing up, becoming more independent ( as I want them to be. I want them to realize as much of their potential as is possible) but it breaks my friggin heart on a daily basis. What they don’t tell you in the parenting manual is that from the moment these little heart breakers exit the womb, you spend every day having to let go, just a little. I think its nature/God’s way of preparing us parents for the big exodus to college at the age of 18. If we didn’t start letting go in small doses at the age of 3, we’d never be able to survive when they left for college. It’s not fair. Thank God with that comes the ability to love with no bounds and to have that love returned to you , every single second of every single day. My baby’s can keep taking pieces of my heart because just like it grew to accommodate each new child, there is an infinite amount of times it will regenerate to supply a lifetime of love for them both. So, take it….take another little piece of my heart now baby!

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Well, its been quite awhile since I have been in the situation of breast feeding, with mine now being the ripe old ages of 2 and 5 (and a week,sniff, sniff), but I am totally all for boobie bagging it. I mean , it was by far one of the most intimate experiences I have ever had the privilege of sharing with another human being. Looking down into the eyes of your precious little ones face, as you sustain their life is monumental. The look of love and gratitude; it is amazing and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Sure, I get the same look from my husband when he’s down there but let’s face it; I’m not sustaining his life:)  Anyways, I was one of those poor unfortunates who, try as they may, the boobies just didn’t function properly. They have always been big and beautiful (thanks Mom) but apparently pretty useless when I actually needed them. So, it was SNS (supplemental nursing system) from the get go. Oh, what? You are not familiar with this term? Lucky you! It is a wonderful medieval contraption that you hang from your neck,   it holds formula in a container..that is exerted from a small tube that is taped to your nipple ( hoping to supplement what your poor under functioning, handicapped boobies can’t produce) and if you are super lucky (as I was) you can add to the mix a nipple guard!Sweet! Lovely, right? P.S. The nipple guard is not a little guy  in a fuzzy hat who guards the nipple, its a pliable plastic covering to help draw the nipple out. My poor little boobies, they had such a complex; they figured they couldn’t come to play , so they were trying to hide on the bench. I have a friend of mine, who never even attempted to breast feed (because according to her, “those” were for fun not function) and here I am bargaining with the devil and praying to Jesus to let me produce enough milk to feed my starving child and , it just never came to fruition. I gave it the old college try, I took the fenugreek, the mothers milk tea, I tried everything possible to stimulate breast milk production but I could never fly solo, I always had to use that damn SNS! So, both girls got breastfed for about 6 weeks. I’m sorry, who was I fooling. The embarrassment and sheer horror of that SNS (it still gives me nightmares to think about harnessing myself into that thing) and only producing maybe 1/2 to 1 ounce when my kid was eating 4 -6 oz, was too much. So, I never had to decide whether or not to breastfeed in public (because anyone who knows me, knows that I am such a hypochondriac when it comes to my babies that they don’t go out into the general public until after 6 weeks). So, I am not trying to be judgy. When I see a Mommy feeding her baby, first I feel “awww” ,then that is followed by a little uncomfortableness, then ” what a tender , sweet Mommy/baby moment”. Generally, I think it is beautiful. Personally, I never did it outside the house but that was just my situation ( because the time of breastfeeding coincided with the 6 week waiting period of taking my newborns out into general population ….cause I am a lil crazy like that). Anyways, today I take my 2 and 5 year old to toddler story time @ the local library. We are sitting there and I notice a couple of the Mommies have some newborns (awwww, moment) . Mommy A ‘s 3 month old girl is getting that fussy, hungry cry going. Mommy promptly pulls out  what looks like an apron and there goes the baby, under the apron, suckling to her hearts desire as Mommy watches on as her 4 year old little boy participates in story time. Way to go Mommy, she was on the ball. Directly next to her, I notice a little girl around the age of 4 assuming the position in her Mommy’s lap. What? I think, a little regression perhaps. You know seeing the baby next to her go under the apron. She’s no fool , she knew what was going on under there. Then the 4 year old sticks her hand in her Mom’s(Mommy B) shirt and is fondling her. I am like, WTH is going to happen here? It  felt like I was witnessing snuff. Then, this woman, whipped it out and this little girl took a hit..like a shot of whiskey from a shot glass.WTF??? Seriously, I swear I am not against breastfeeding. In fact, I am a little envious of those Mommies with aprons..that means,God bless em, their parts are functioning correctly. But there has always been something creepy to me about a child old enough to be drinking out of a regular cup (past the sippy cup age), who can say “Give me a hit off the old teet mom!” Or anyone old enough to spell boobies, draw boobies, or talk about the experience still actually feeding off the breast. I don’t think a kid who can unbutton your shirt and  wipe their own ass should still be breastfeeding. I mean, unless there is some weird disease and that is the only thing the kid can eat to survive…then I think its a little creepy and a little sad. Then ,in my head, I kept thinking if one of my girls ( who are watching this whole thing go down and my 2 year old was watching very interested like) comes over to me and tries to see what all the fuss is about, we’d have serious problems. How do I explain, ” I know honey, you know how you like chicken nuggets and  lemonade? Well, that little girl still likes boobie milk!”So, my question to you is..am I wrong to be creeped out by this? Am I just out of the loop because of my own shortcomings? Would I feel differently if I had the ability to sufficiently breastfeed my own kids? I don’t think so but then again , I guess we’ll never know. All I know is I left the library today feeling just a little bit violated and dirty. I wasn’t staring , and didn’t see any actual boobies..but the kid was wiping her mouth and sporting an “ahhh” ( you know that sound you make when you’ve been running and you take a long cold swig of ice water? Yeah, that’s the sound.) I’m now sufficiently terrified to go to story time again; I may be off the library entirely.

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