The TRUTH About Motherhood

Tag: pregnancy

Unexpected Pregnancy at 40, What Would You Do?

What would you do if you found yourself with an unexpected pregnancy at 40?
I’m not talking about the run of the mill “planning to plan” unexpected pregnancy or we were “not using birth control but thought we were careful” surprise pregnancy. I am talking about the “I was 13-years-old having my first sexual encounter” unexpected pregnancy or the “I’m 40 and thought we were done having babies” unplanned pregnancy of the “oh shit” variety. The life-changing, game changer unexpected pregnancy.
The choice of what to do next.
Unplanned Pregnancy at 40 can bring with it a little shock and awe
My friend just found out that she is unexpectedly pregnant. This will be her third child. Her other two children are tweens. This baby was not planned. They thought they were completely passed the diaper changing, middle of the night feeding stage.Yet, here they are smack dab in the middle of an unexpected pregnancy; shocked, confused and scared.
READ ALSO: Every Child Is A Choice
She and I have talked about this a lot. The Big Guy and I have gone back and forth over the years pondering 2.5 children. We have been blessed with two amazing, healthy wonderful daughters but even though the prospect of a third ( trying for the elusive boy baby) sounded good, it was nothing either of us would actually pull the trigger on, so to speak.
Now, our girls are 4 and 7 and it feels like the time has passed and the window of opportunity is closed. I’m 39, just like my girlfriend. At this point, a baby would be starting all over.
An unexpected pregnancy still results in a baby
Initially, when she told me I was shocked, quite frankly, because it was such an unexpected pregnancy but I was excited because ..it’s a baby! Then the more I thought about it and the more we talked, I was scared for her. Getting pregnant in your 20’s or 30’s is not the same as getting pregnant at 40 unexpectedly.
There are things to consider like genetic disorders for the baby, higher health risks for the mother and how old the parents will be when the child is growing up. The looks and questions that will come with having a child after 40? Strangers asking if you are his/her Grandma? Things I had never considered in my scenario.
READ ALSO: Missing that New Baby Smell when Pregnancy is not an Option
You have to consider your long-term financial outlook and you have to consider that perhaps, you or your husband, are not willing or wanting to be a parent to a third child; not willing to go backward in your parenting journey. You are suddenly faced with a decision of whether or not you should move forward with the pregnancy.
You are not the same person you were in your 20’s and 30’s and your body is not what it was in your 20’s and 30’s. Is it selfish to logically weigh all of your options? When you are in your 20’s and 30’s the threat of a genetic disorder is a far off, probably not going to happen, when you are 40 the stats are something like 1/100 that your baby will have Downs Syndrome.
READ ALSO: My Unexpected Pregnancy at 39 and what I did
I know people will reference Kelle Hampton and Nella. Or what a gift Nella is and what an amazing mother Kelle is but not everyone can emotionally or financially afford a baby with a genetic disorder. What would you do? How could you choose? And worse, what if the choice were taken out of your hands by your body failing you and terminating the pregnancy?
My friend has decided to go forward with her surprise pregnancy and embrace it as her final baby. But it’s raised a lot of questions in my mind, what would I do if I were faced with an unexpected pregnancy? Have you ever been faced with a surprise pregnancy? What did you or would you do if you found yourself with an unexpected pregnancy at 13 or 40? Would abortion ever cross your mind?
If you become pregnant unexpectedly, see your healthcare professionals and ob services as soon as you can so that a plan can be put into place.
Could your unexpected pregnancy be a blessing?
2012/04/11
Terry England ~ Women’s Reproductive Rights are Not the Same as Pigs
Terry England; You, Sir, are no friend of the female race.I read Lawmaker Compares Women to Farm Animals To Defend His Abortion Stance on the Curvy Girl Guide last week. This post was the straw that broke the ~~camels~~ pig’s back for the women’s rights issue, for me. What the hell is going on in our country?
Terry England,You are a Beast
This is the jist of the post:
On March 5th, on the Georgia House floor, State Representative, Terry England, commented on a bill that would require women to carry stillborn fetuses to term or until the time their bodies “pass” the fetus on their own. What this means is, if your baby dies inside of you, however far along in development, it would be illegal to have any type of medical procedure (such as a D&C) to remove the contents of your uterus.
In effect, Terry England is saying, Hey lady, you got pregnant. Not my fault you are inept at carrying your baby to term. NOT.MY.PROBLEM. Deal with it! When God says it’s time to pass, it will naturally. If you die? Well, you are only a woman after all.
Terry England Compares women to Pigs
Oh but it gets worse, so much worse….
In a debate over Georgia House Bill 954, which would ban abortions after 20 weeks even if the baby is not expected to live, England recalled the time he had spent with livestock.
“Life gives us many experiences,” he explained. “I’ve had the experience of delivering calves, dead and alive — delivering pigs, dead and alive. … It breaks our hearts to see those animals not make it.” – Raw Story, David Edwards
Did you hear that? My fucking head just exploded!He thinks he’s an obstetrician because he’s delivered livestock. He just compared an expectant human mother to a cow and a pig.
How is that the lawmakers, who are mostly men and have no vagina or uterus, can make these laws regarding women’s reproductive rights and birth control? They don’t know what it’s like to be suddenly faced with an unexpected pregnancy, or forced to consider an abortion due to a medical anomolie. Men have no idea what a transvaginal untrasound feels like to a woman and a man can never know what it feels like to carry a baby in your womb. A man can certainly NEVER understand the pain and mental anguish it is to lose a child and then be forced to carry your stillborn baby in your womb until it passes naturally.
Terry England the difference between women and livestock is that we are not put on this world solely to provide for a man. We are actually people too. We have thoughts and feelings. I am so disgusted with Terry England and so many other politicians who have made it their plight to suppress women’s rights. We are now going backwards. Women are being treated like property. We are being stripped of our fundamental right to the control over our own body. We are being invaded by man. What next, will they pass a law here in the United States that female born babies should just be drowned at birth?
I think the Terry England’s of the world are failing to realize that without any women, the species would die out. Man can not procreate alone.Though, I am sure there is some scientist under contract to one of these good old boy politicians working on just this type of thing, as we speak. I’m sure if some of these politicians had it their way, we women would be nothing more than glorified indentured servants with vaginas. Perhaps, they will take to putting us in shackles and cutting our tongues out so that we can’t speak?
Women of the world, we need to unite. This is your call to action. We need to fight back against this type of legislation; this type of world. This is not the world that I want to raise my daughters in. We need to change the direction that this country is going in regards to women’s rights. We need to get more women into government so we at least have a fair chance. What would Susan B. Anthony do? You can bet that she would be all up in legislation, fighting for your rights to reproduce…or not. She’d fight the Terry England’s of the world, tooth and nail.
What do you think of Terry England and his comparison of women to livestock?
Terry England, I would call you the pig but that’s a terrible insult to the animal
2012/03/26
Mommy Kryptonite~That New Baby Smell
New Baby Smell ~ Kryptonite for the Mommy soul. Oh yes, I’ve got baby on the brain big time. I know I have pledged myself to the Just Say No to babies campaign. I have willfully closed for business. I have made the decision to close the doors on the baby factory. No more producing grade-A human beings. I know this. I am pretty excited that my girls are of the age where they sleep for more than 4 hours at a time ( usually), that there are no more diapers and ass wiping ( well, most of the time). I don’t particularly miss being spit up on or not understanding what my children are saying. But then something happens, like the birth of my brand spanking new nephew all enveloped in that new baby smell. You know what I mean; it’s like apples, fresh air and pure freaking love. Then you look at that face that melts your heart and short circuits your brain. This is when trouble happens.
New Baby=Kryptonite
Then, the ovaries began to twitch – the brain to ditch and suddenly the hinges( of my uterus) started to unhitch. I think there are many of us Mommies who reside somewhere between Baby gotta have it land and Hell no,we won’t go there again newborn city (like New Jack City but not quite so violent). We stay there in a procreation purgatory until one of two things happens 1) we convince our husbands to get a vasectomy or 2) we go through menopause, either way, the inbetween time is dangerous. All it takes is one look at a smiling mug like this one below and we are doomed. One minute (ok 5 minutes) of unprotected wild abandonment and BOOM there we are in a full-on shit storm of the delivery kind.
Dear Lord, this kind of cuteness should certainly be outlawed. My brain goes all fuzzy and the next thing you know I’m doing things that I promised myself I’d never do again like birthing a 15 inch human head without an epidural ( a la Alien), losing control of my bodily functions, and a menagerie of other things that nobody, not even your mama, tells you about pregnancy.
New Baby Smell is clouding my Judgement
My baby +New Baby = Kryptonite of Epic Proportions.
Uterus is full-on convulsing. For the love of God can someone please get me outta here before I do something stupid like have unprotected ovulatory sex. Yeah, that’s right, I said it. I know my body like a fine-tuned machine and I know two weeks to the day of the start of shark week, fertility lurks. Must resist moments of weakness and smell of fresh out of the oven new baby. And damn it if my sister isn’t the picture of new mommy glow. I thought that was a myth! No fair. I most certainly did not glow. I looked like I had been run over by a Mack truck. Note to self: New baby smell comes with new baby and New baby is hard work ( even if he is so cute that you want to kiss his face off). Have you ever felt conflicted as to if you should have another baby? What do you do to stop the twitching ovaries and throbbing uterus? Or was new baby the new no baby? What tipped the scales in favor of new baby?
New Baby Kryptonite Never Looked so Good
2012/01/09
Ugly babies in the Cradle,Pretty at the Table
Let’s talk about the old saying, “ugly babies in the cradle, pretty at the table.” I had never heard of it and quite frankly, took great offence at the thought of an adult calling a baby ugly. Are there such things as ugly babies?
Have you ever heard this crazy saying?
As most of you know, I am walking around in a new baby (nephew) induced fog. I am seeing the world with new eyes and loving on my own daughters harder and stronger than I did a couple days ago because of my reminder of the preciousness of childhood. The moment my beautiful nephew entered the world, all I could think was how very blessed we all our to have our ~~babies~~ children in our lives.
From the moment I saw my daughters’ faces, they were the most beautiful baby, no human, I had ever seen. They still are. They will always be.
I am their mother and their birth was the culmination of a whole lot of love. Their very existence is a constant reminder of how very blessed I am in this life. It was like looking upon the sun. It was joyous and humbling. With each birth, I was metamorphisized into a better person (even if it doesn’t feel like it on most days).
I thought every mother felt this way when she saw her baby for the first time. I naively thought that every mother thought her baby was the most beautiful baby in the world because to her it is the most beautiful baby in the world. I never imagined someone would call their own baby ugly.
Ugly Babies don’t exist
This morning as I’m driving my girls to school, we are listening to the radio and the deejays are talking about a phrase used by parents “Ugly in the cradle, Pretty at the table” apparently this is something that parents say to console their children who they have told are ugly.WTF? Why would you ever tell anyone they are ugly, let alone your child?
READ ALSO: One in Ten Babies is Born this Way
Newsflash, people have mirrors they already know they are ugly. Kids know if they are not as cute as the kid next to them, but to their parents, they should be the cutest freaking thing in the world. It’s in the parent handbook. Didn’t they get it when they got that stupid ass free plastic diaper bag from the hospital?
Don’t tell your kids they are ugly. Don’t think your kids are ugly. And for the love of God, if you do think they are ugly (besides something being fundamentally wrong with you in the head) where do you think they got those damn ugly genes from?
Ugly Babies are A Myth
Look, I am living in the real world and I have perfect 20/20 vision so I do realize that some babies are cuter than others when they are born. Let’s be honest, most newborns look like one of two things; a little old man or a fuzzy ball sack. But we love them and to the parents who produced them, those babies are the most beautiful babies in the world.
By the way, how good do any of us look after taking a transatlantic flight or participating in fight club? Let’s be real, that’s pretty much what being born is like. How good did any of us look after giving birth and we were on the outside?
Precious
There are No Ugly Babies
I don’t know who came up with such a ridiculous saying as “Ugly babies in the cradle, pretty at the table” but I bet they were ugly on the inside and certainly need to be flogged. Stop using it!
Remember, next time you are thinking about saying how ugly a baby is, those ugly babies are somebody’s everything that is beautiful and good in the world. If you are a parent who has called your baby ugly, please email me a photo because I need to see what level of ugly it takes to make a parent call their own baby ugly.
READ ALSO: Does Advanced Maternal Age Really Mean You’re Too Old to Give Birth?
Please stop telling your babies they are ugly. They will look human in a couple of months. Now put your standard issued Mommy thinks you’re perfect glasses back on NOW!
Have you ever thought your child was ugly? Come on, you can tell me. I won’t tell anyone. We’ve all thought there are ugly babies out there, but usually not our own. I mean come on, we’ve all got an ugly cry. They don’t call it that because it’s pretty. I bet even Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie look pretty gruesome when they ugly cry.
I’m a realist, I am not opposed to the fact that there are ugly babies in the world. I am however opposed to the fact that there are parents out there who are stupid enough to not only think it but to say it out loud, to their little ugly babies. Just remember, there are no ugly babies just adults who should have thought before they spoke.
Do you think there is such a thing as ugly babies?
2012/01/04
Baby Watch 2012
Baby Watch 2012 ~Today is one of the most important days of my life, other than getting married and having my own children, my baby sister is having her first baby and I couldn’t be more excited. She texted me this morning around 4 AM to say she was in the hospital. I know that she’s been nervous, especially since she reads my blog, but she is over the moon excited. As I type this post, she’s 10 cm dilated and the scrubs have been issued. This baby will be born as I write this post. Her life will be changed forever.
Baby Watch 2012
My sister is one of my best friends and to be mothers together has been a long time dream of ours. We had dreams of our children growing up together, playing together and being as close as siblings. Life gets hectic, as life always does, and we may not get to see one another as much as we might like to or talk daily as we once promised one another but still, she is in my heart and I am in hers. This is what sisters do. This is how I feel about both of my sisters.
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it ~ee cummings
So today while my sister was 3 hours away giving birth, I sat in my house waiting out a blizzard that had placed itself right smack between us, texting back and forth with her incessantly and wishing I was there but knowing I was not. It stung not to be there. I reminded her to breathe and to not get too stressed. I metaphorically held her hand and literally told her how to push. She consulted me about when to get the epidural and I explained in great detail and brutal honesty the escalating degrees of contractions and intricacies of labor/delivery. She got her epidural at 6 cm dilated and avoided any begging for death induced contractions as well as any stalling of labor. I was texted a photo of her partner in his scrubs and then it went silent. No texting, no phone call..just silence on my end and my mind went wild. I was so afraid that something went awry. And then I received this… and oh baby, all was right with the world.
Behold, the baby
The Most Beautiful Baby Born Today
Congratulations to my beautiful sister, Bertha, Brian and the absolutely most gorgeous little boy in the world. Love you all so much and wish I was there tonight. Titi Debi can’t wait to hold you in my arms and kiss those cheeks off, baby.
2012/01/02
Shit Happens during Pregnancy and Birth
Birth and pregnancy happen, especially when you least expect it. It seems that it is universally applicable that trying too hard at anything puts too much pressure on ourselves and we end up with performance anxiety. This is why on my first pregnancy, I conceived while still in the “planing to plan to have a baby stage”. There was no pressure, we were just sexing it up and having a good time…maybe too good of a time. When I found out that I was pregnant, I was ecstatic. I had waited for this moment since I had gotten married, maybe since my husband proposed. There is just something so liberating about intentionally making a baby ( *or planning to plan to have a baby) with the man that you love, aside from all the baby making, birth control free nookie. And I don’t just mean the fact that I took it as a license to eat carbs without guilt for 10 months. Heck to the yeah, I could finally eat and exhale! I was overjoyed, to say the least. Do you know how awesome it is to NOT worry that someone is going to mistake your baby doll dress and burrito belly for a baby bump? It was glorious!
Oh Sh*t, Pregnancy!
Then I made the mistake of reading all of those nightmare inducing, statistic laced pregnancy books. All the good times I had planned for gave way to worry and anxiety. Thank God, I hadn’t tried to educate myself before conceiving or I would have been scared to death, maybe even chalked up the whole idea. I’m pretty squeamish about pain, blood and body fluids and let’s face it..that’s all giving birth is aside from the miracle it all results in. Before getting pregnant, no one told me about gestational diabetes, the disfigurement of stretch marks, outtie belly buttons, linea negrias, noses spreading, feet growing, acne, bacne and spider veins. Nobody told me that the “glow” was code for ugly, exhausted and fat. Worse, nobody told me about what happens when you give birth. NOBODY told me how excruciatingly painful it would be. No one gave me a heads up that there was NO modesty or dignity in giving birth. My friends never told me that transition labor would feel like a cracked out, ninja ghoulie was trying to chew it’s way out of my lower abdomen. Nobody told me that trying to birth a baby would take as long as a transatlantic flight. NO.BODY.TOLD.ME!! Not even my Mama! Why?Why did no one tell me????
Pregnancy, Nobody Told Me
I had no idea that I’d be put into a gown that couldn’t possibly cover my protruding belly without completely exposing my pasty white derriere complete with assne. No one told me that I’d have 27 doctors, nurses and passersby sticking there hand in my woohoo to check “how far along” I was. I wasn’t told that I’d be bored out of my brain, watching Jerry Springer, when I’d be struck mute by pain and only be able to whisper the words, “Oh Sh*t” and “Oh God” alternately and on repeat. Most importantly, NO ONE told me that I might have a bowel movement on the birthing table. Between you and me, that’s a deal breaker. I would have opted for a surrogate or adopted a little brown baby from Mexico (then maybe I would have had a chance that the baby would look like it was actually related to me).
But no one tells you these things. To be clear, I intentionally starved myself for the two days before I was induced. When the time came, I gave it my all. I got 25 stitches for my trouble and a gorgeous baby girl. My husband assures me that I did not poop on the birthing table and the only thing I pushed into the world that afternoon was our firstborn. Did he tell me the truth? Or was he trying to restore some of the dignity I had lost from the hourly dipstick checks? I’ll probably never really know. I’m just hoping in the throes of a heated discussion I never hear “ Oh yeah, well you did sh*t on the birthing table! It was real and it was spectacular!” For now, I choose to believe in a world where there are unicorns, fairies and no one poops the table while giving birth. If there’s a next time, I may just be done with it and have Indian food the night before induction. I say go big or go home. Sh*t happens!
During Pregnancy, Sh*t Most Certainly Happens!
2011/09/02
Uterus Transplant~A Womb with A Previous View

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Photo Corbis
Uterus Transplant~A Womb with A Previous View
Scientific research has come a long way baby. In a recent article in Discovery News, we are made aware of the newest advances in modern medicine. We all know that it is possible to transplant a large range of life-saving organs and I am all for that but what are your thoughts on transplanting a uterus? Is it medically imperative or vanity?
Believe me, I can understand the desire and compulsion to procreate and to bear your own child. But a uterine transplant could be potentially dangerous to the donor and the recipient. A uterus transplant would involve a large organ that undergoes extreme changes throughout pregnancy. Is it a feasible option for women who desperately want a pregnancy but don’t have health on their side?
Is a Uterus Transplant~A Womb with A Previous View worth the risks?
In Britain, the theory may soon be tested. A mother, Eva Ottosson,56, says she wishes to give her organ to her daughter,Sara Ottosson,25, who lives with a condition called Mayer-Rokitansky-Küster-Hauser syndrome that causes women to have an underdeveloped or absent vagina and uterus. Sara was born without a uterus. The condition does not usually limit egg production, but makes pregnancy difficult. In theory, successful womb transplants would allow women with these sorts reproductive hurdles to become pregnant.
The mother and daughter hope to be candidates for the procedure under the direction of a Swedish team of researchers next year, potentially allowing Ottosson’s daughter to carry a baby in the same womb she developed in as a fetus. I find this kind of bizarre. I don’t know if it’s because the uterine transplant would be coming from her mother or the fact that she would be growing her fetus in the uterus she was grown in that skeeves me more. I mean, it should be a beautiful gift from a mother to a daughter, right?
Successfully transplanting a uterus has not been done in human beings yet.Hemorrhaging is a major concern because of the large number of blood vessels involved in attaching the uterus to surrounding tissue of the recipient woman. Scientists have however successfully transplanted wombs in different animal, but there are still many hurdles standing in the way of making the procedure viable in humans.It was tried in 2000, but the donor uterus had to be removed because the recipient’s body stopped providing blood to the new organ after 99 days, hardly long enough to gestate a human fetus. Can you imagine having the uterine transplant, finally getting pregnant only to have the organ start failing three months into the pregnancy.That would be absolutely devastating.
If the recipient’s body views the organ as foreign, it could result in a dangerous immune responses of the body trying to expel the uterus. The organ would need to be seen by the rest of the body as part of the recipient body in order to work properly. Otherwise, the woman who receives the organ might not menstruate normally or their bodies may not allow fertilized eggs to implant on the uterine walls. Leaving a woman who had a small chance of pregnancy to having a zero chance of pregnancy. Even if the transplant works, the recipient would have to take imunosuppressant drugs for the rest of their life. And for now, the entire procedure is a theory. Doctors warn that anyone participating in the trial stages of this procedure should not logically expect to benefit from an actual full term pregnancy until the procedure is perfected. Are the risks worth eliminating all chance?
What do you think? Would you risk an emergency hysterectomy if the body rejects the organ transplant for a small chance that it might work? Or is conceiving and carrying your own baby worth risking everything? Would love to hear your thoughts and know what you would do in this situation.
The Ottosson’s are expected to undergo the transplant in spring 2012. But Sara is being practical, if the transplant is unsuccessful she is planning to adopt.
Uterus Transplant~A Womb with A Previous View
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2011/06/16
Things No One Tells You about Pregnancy
Estimated reading time: 2 minutes
There’s plenty of books about what you are supposed to do while pregnant. Even so, it seems there is so much information that is withheld from them. Whether it’s your first pregnancy or your sixth, each one is different. So let’s talk about it; this is what pregnancy is really like.
These are the top ten things no one tells you about pregnancy.
- Pregnant women: your smelling powers will become so heightened that you will be able to smell a cookie baking 30 miles away. Unfortunately, no one ever tells you that you will also be able to smell food burning in a wok in China.
- Mom: You will have all sorts of unexpected medical issues, and some may or may not go away after the pregnancy. Your blood circulation will be affected, so it won’t be a good idea to just lay there, which is just about all you can do, for too long. Your legs might develop varicose veins, and those don’t look pretty.
- Mama: your morning sickness can actually be all day sickness if you’re not careful. Watch what you eat, and avoid what doesn’t seem to be agreeing with you. Also, invest in some sea sickness bands and mints. They literally got me through the first 7 months of pregnancy twice.
READ ALSO: What Giving Birth Feels Like
- Mami: the same outrageous hormonal highs and lows that make you picture yourself smacking a random passerby for looking at your baby bump will be the very same that make you cry when a fly lands on your shoulder.
- Ma; your pregnancy glow is actually increased blood flow causing you to sweat quite a bit. Also, the increased hormones that cause the glow brings with it increased susceptibility to acne. Better start looking at creams that can help you with that ahead of time.
READ ALSO: Stages of Second Baby Syndrome
There are more, many more, but I feel I have scared the first time mothers sufficiently for now. Happy procreating and remember, there are many things you can do to prepare for what’s coming. Your struggling future self will thank you.
What would you add to this list of things no one tells you about pregnancy?
2011/06/14
Daddy Juice ~My water to wine
Sometimes,in those fleeting quiet moments, where coherent thought still exists in the recesses of my mind, I think about the meaning of life. I know it surprises me when it happens too. Usually, I’m trying my damnest just to keep babies alive and thriving without traumatizing them in any way that is so awful as to trigger a major mental breakdown in the future. Because, just so you know, I totally hold my parents accountable for my years of therapy..my therapist agreed with me,so there is that. But in those almost extinct moments of quiet, I ask myself some of the big questions of life. One that crept up on my unusually peaceful drive home this morning in the rain was “Why are there no miracles anymore?” I mean, there are everyday miracles like the sun shining or gravity or a mother’s blind love for her child. But what about the real BIG miracles? What happened to seas parting? People walking on water? Water into wine?
Then it hit me, right over top of the head…babies. Babies are a miracle. I don’t mean in the they are such a blessing in my life sort of way. I don’t even mean the we tried for 7 years before we got pregnant sort of way. Though in there own respects,they could certainly be considered miracles. No, what I’m talking about is the fact that the goo that was left behind on Ms.Lewinski’s dress meets an egg in a moment of uncontainable passion and , in that moment, something that so closely resembles snot turns into Daddy juice and is on it’s way to having a heart beat and breathing, walking around, smiling, and living in the world. I mean think about it, really think about it. It’s really quite profound, the whole process. It’s like creating something grand from absolutely nothing.It is my very own water into wine. There is so many miracles involved with babies, aside from creating them; growing them, sustaining, the way they make our hearts grow, our minds expand, our lives richer. See what happens when it rains and I have a minute of quiet time? I see the little miracles in my own life. How did I not see this before?
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Miracles #1 & #2

What are our ever day miracles? Do you believe in miracles? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this discussion. Maybe it’s the rain, or spring and all the new life all around but I am seeing little miracles every where. Go enjoy the little miracles in your life.[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]
2011/04/27
Breastfeeding Sucks
Is breastfeeding really always best? I was reading, my friend, Jennifer Brandt’s blog Perfectly Disheveled tonight and was reminded of something that I had buried deep within the recesses of my mind…BREASTFEEDING! Oh how it sucked! No pun intended. It was one of the most awful things I have experienced thus far in motherhood. I know its not PC to admit that breastfeeding sucked for me but hey, that’s how I roll. I am honest to a fault. I always thought that breastfeeding would be something beautiful and magical; a sacred bond between mother and baby. And it was but it was also something else. It was what most Hollywood actresses look like without their hair and makeup done, no stylist standing by, no PR person to spin their words into weaved gold. It was raw, it was painful , it was ugly and, on most days, it hurt me deeply. Breastfeeding kicked my ass physically and emotionally. Worse than that, it was humbling. From the beginning, breastfeeding made me feel like the world’s biggest freaking loser Mommy! Amen. I’m divulging the truth that it was for me.
I remember coming home on that first day, driving 15 miles an hour with our blinkers on trying our best not to damage or mess up this most perfect being that we had just been given. We cooked this baby good and read all the books but when it came down to it, we couldn’t believe these people were going to let us take the baby out of the hospital. After all, what the hell were they thinking? We didn’t know what to do. We could barely keep one another alive, plants were dying all over the house, I’d lost a dog but these assholes wanted me to keep an entire human being alive! WHAT?? Panic set in but there was no turning back. We were going to hold onto this halo/fog of new baby splendor as long as we possibly could. The key was to keep the baby in tact.
We arrive home. Hello baby! This is your new house. The whole world, in its entirety, will be forever changed. You will be the sun and we will rotate around you forevermore. Time for a nap. Gently we place the baby into the bassinet and then its time to turn off the lights, pull the room darkening shades and SLEEP. But wait. That won’t work. If the lights are off we can’t see if she’s breathing. If we can’t see that she’s breathing..maybe she’s not. No! Sorry this plan will not work. Abort mission. Abort mission! Turning off the lights won’t do. Instead, we collapsed in exhaustion laying across the bed, with our heads half in the bassinet, with the ceiling fan light turned all the way on! Just about the time my brain and heart gave way and allowed my eyes to close, the baby woke up..starving. Let the breastfeeding commence. No lactation nurse, no holds barred. Let’s do this.
To my teet I drew my baby. She suckled. She didn’t latch very well. I knew that my milk hadn’t come in yet, as the lactation nurse had already informed me of my ineptitude before I had even left the hospital. She, also, had set me up with a medieval contraption known as an SNS. Not familiar with this? Oh, aren’t you the lucky girl? SNS stands for Supplemental Nursing System which is basically today’s scarlet letter for you are a fucking loser who doesn’t have the capability of feeding your own offspring. That’s right, there are broads in the world breastfeeding their boobie nectar to chihuahuas and I can’t keep my own human alive. Fuck. It was the Chia pet all over again. I was panicked that I was going to have to be dependent on a breast pump that is electric. I was popping Fenugreek like they were the last tic tacs in the world. Anyways, those were my choices…Fenugreek and SNS…until my milk dropped. What does that even mean? It’s not like a gallon of formula is going to come spilling out of me. I pumped..barely a taste for my infant. So, I grudgingly hook myself up to the SNS. Picture, if you will, some sort of human type version of what is used on cows. Basically, it was a small container that you filled with formula, that hung around your neck. There was a very small tube attached to that which was then taped to the top of your breast and down at the nipple.For me, that meant atop the nipple shield. It was a pretty hostile site. Poor baby Bella. Why couldn’t her Mommy just produce like all the other Mommies? I don’t know baby. These fucking D boobs apparently are for fun and not function.ARGH! The humiliation.
Why had breastfeeding forsaken me? What had I done wrong?
As I sat there, her looking up at me, questioning what wrong she had done in a previous life to be saddled with such a worthless mom, was enough to break my heart. But I soldiered on because I wasn’t stopping until that milk gave in and came in. I was going to breastfeed this baby if it killed me or broke me. Oh, don’t you worry…it almost did. I called the nurse and she barked at me to only do the SNS every other feeding and only an ounce so that it forced the baby to suckle harder and force my milk to drop. I listened because, quite frankly, this is her job and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. Then in that first 24 hour period, Bella fed every 1/2 hour. Do you know what that means? She was literally off my tit for about 5 minutes every hour for 24 hours. She was crying, out of starvation. I was crying out of frustration, humiliation and guilt. I felt like the biggest piece of shit Mother to EVER walk the earth..even lower than those broads who drove their kids off a bridge. By the next morning, constant crying ( on both our parts) and no sleep, I was at my most vulnerable. And the baby was looking pretty much like an Oompa Loompa. I’m not going to lie to you, I lost my ever loving mind when I realized I had broken the baby. The perfect little baby.
I called the doctor and he said to bring her to the hospital. I was raw. OMG. I was the most exhausted, vulnerable, crazed lunatic on the maternity ward. Oh yes, they made me return to the scene of the crime. The nursery. Immediately, they took one look at our Willie Wonka cast member and told us that our baby had jaundice caused by my malfunctioning bossoms! It was as if someone kicked me in my hemorrhaging crotch, smacked me in my sore raw nipples and yanked my heart out through my chest all while laughing at me. I left the room and ugly cried hysterically…uncontrollably. The Big Guy was freaked out, his baby was orange and his wife was out of her mind. The nurses knew it was hormones. They tried to soothe my fears but it was impossible.
The moral of the story is even after all this, I continued to nurse for 3 months…with the SNS system because I NEVER produced enough milk to sustain my child. NEVER! But that damn lactation nurse kept telling me to keep taking the Fenugreek, it will come in. Then she told me to withhold formula, then I lost her number. I have never felt like such a failure. To this day, it still makes me hang my head to know that I couldn’t just breastfeed. It’s like being 30 and still riding a bike with training wheels. If you’re expecting a child, I would suggest you prepare for your breastfeeding journey. You may search for a breast pump covered by insurance along with other equipment and supplements you’ll need.
But because I would have been ridiculed by everyone I knew and scowled at for not trying my damnest, I did it again with my second child and again we ended up in the hospital with jaundice. Breastfeeding isn’t for everybody…no matter what people say. If I could have, I would have done it for longer. I did love the bond we formed during that breastfeeding time but if you pan out in the pictures, you can clearly see that I was strapped to that SNS contraption which was neither sweet or bond conducive. So, I say to you…for me…BREASTFEEDING SUCKED!
Did you breastfeed? For how long? Was it easy? Was it hard? Did you use an SNS? Would lengths would you go to succeed at breastfeeding your baby?
Breastfeeding is NOT always best for everyone
Photo
2011/02/27