How to Survive Shark Week without Someone Losing a Limb

shark week ,pms

Shark week is not my favorite week of the month. Shark week (menstruating and PMS, in case you were confused) is just one more thing that I have to deal with on my already full Mommy plate. Shark week is that one week of the month when my entire body rages against me and decides to attempt yet another mutiny. Ain’t no mutiny like a shark week mutiny! Damn you, shark week!

shark week, PMS, living authentically online, Domain .ME, blogging, digital influencer, writer, blogger

Kids, this is your mom before shark week.

But then something happens. My head begins to spin. My breasts ache. I am ravenous to eat things like hot fudge sundaes with jalapeno chips at will. My ovaries feel as if a tiny angry troll is squeezing them. I’m bloated like a dead fish (no correlation to the smell, I smell like a summer’s day, damn it!) and as if by some cruel joke, it’s the one week of the entire month that my husband finds me completely sexually irresistible (well, that and ovulation week. Conspiracy, I tell you!).

My ovaries feel as if a tiny angry troll is squeezing them. I’m bloated like a dead fish (no correlation to the smell, I smell like a summer’s day, damn it!) and as if by some cruel joke, it’s the one week of the entire month that my husband finds me completely sexually irresistible (well, that and ovulation week. Conspiracy, I tell you!). New baby? Who dis? Ain’t nobody got no time for that.

Unfortunately for him, I am like a hybrid between a Praying Mantis and Black Widow spider. All I want to do is rip his head off and eat my young, not necessarily in that order. Pretty much, if you breathe you are in danger of incurring my bloody, hormonal rage and for some reason, I swear my teeth get bigger.

Shark week, PMS

This is Your Mom on Shark Week

For your safety, I am listing here a few ways to survive Shark Week without Losing a limb;

  • No sudden movements or loud sounds, Mama usually has a migraine during shark week. Move slowly and quietly for optimal chance of survival rate.
  • For the love of God, please don’t hide my Diva Cup or flush all the tampons. I’m talking to you fruit of my loins, this could result in Mommy’s head spinning and/or completely popping off.
  • Have chocolate and carbs in the house. A pizza with a side of French fries and a Ding Dong usually does the trick. And NO, don’t remind me that I’m on a diet. There is no reasoning with me when I am on shark week.
  • Don’t ask me any stupid questions, like where is the milk? It’s in the fridge! Do you want to die? And please pick up your f*cking socks! I’m not your maid. Would you like me to shove them down your throat? ( This is directed at the Big Guy, not the children. I pick up their socks, with no threat of choking them out, on the regular.)
  • Don’t look at me sideways, it will surely not bode well for you. I know you will be tempted to test this theory, but just be aware that during shark week, better men have died for less.
  • Don’t comment on how tight my jeans are or the extra head-sized pimple that has sprouted on my forehead. I can see it. I’m menstruating, not blind and I am hyper aware of every single flaw this week.
  • Don’t expect me to try on clothes, especially a bathing suit for a vacation. Don’t even ask. You will be wasting your time and is your life worth it?

Shark Week, is that eye roll worth dying over?

  • Don’t take my measurements for any reason under the sun. Seriously, Mr. Personal Trainer, I know you are a man and don’t understand but I don’t need to know how many inches the water retention is adding to my body. My jeans are cutting me in half; believe me, I’m already aware.
  • Don’t be my Mother or Mother-in-law, anything you do while I am on shark week will leave me exasperated and annoyed, usually taken as passive aggression and held against you for the week. I would recommend marking your calendars and not calling me or making eye contact at all that week.This is more for your benefit than my sanity. I promise.
  • Don’t ask me to step on the scale, this is pretty much any day of the month but it could have dire consequences for you during this week.
  • Don’t raise your voice at me, not even moderately. You can try it. But I’m pretty sure that I will have snatched the snark right out of your mouth before you get to the second word. But, hey, it’s your life.
  • Don’t touch my boobs or ask for any kind of “service” for you. I’m dying over here. Why should you be having a good time?
  • Which reminds me, little one, please don’t ask Mommy for a baby brother on this week. It truly is the furthest thing from my mind. Birth is pain and I’m in enough right now with the troll squishing my ovaries, my sore boobs and cramps. Ask me in a couple weeks, when the water weight is gone and I‘m feeling frisky (this tends to happen during ovulation week. See, conspiracy I tell you!)
  • And under no circumstances, ever ask me if I’ve got PMS? Just observe and know it, that’s enough to save your life. I don’t need your commentary. I know I’m on shark week. I don’t need to know that you know and think I’m being a hormonal bitch I already know that.
  • Your best bet for surviving Shark week is to stay still, be quiet and hope that I don’t see you. In 3-5 days I will be back to my sweet self but for the next few days, stay out of the water.

What is your best tip for surviving shark week in your home? Has anyone ever been seriously maimed during that week? What was there crime? Can’t wait to hear your stories in the comments, Misery enjoys company…especially this week. Oh and for an extra dose of The TRUTH I am guest posting at Blogging Dangerously Where sex in the city meets married with children today. If you are not already familiar with Blogging Dangerously, go now and check it out. Kit is an amazingly funny and quick witted writer and I’m sure that you will love her as much as I do. Also, she is the creator of #wineparty on Twitter every Friday night. What’s not to love?

*Disclaimer; I did not coin the term Shark Week.I can’t remember who the brilliant soul on Twitter was who did, but I have made it my own. That week of the month will forever be known as Shark week in my household. When my daughters begin menstruating, I will pass it down. Shark week is now my legacy:)

P.S. No husbands, children, Mothers or Mother-in -laws were harmed in the making of this Shark week post.

Happy Shark Week, Hope we all make it out alive

 

Related Posts

Comments (50)

Heheh.

You funny woman.

I am going to start using that all the time now, “shark week.”

It’s perfect right???LOL!

Oh I so know what you mean. Ever since I had my tubes tied, shark week has become a deathly time of the month, that many avoid. The Hubby has grown to be very understanding over the past few years and always seems to be very compassionate, on day one when I am at my worst. But come day 3 he starts with the “Just cause you’re broken doesn’t mean I have to be” BS that then makes me want to chomp his face off and have to never hear such idiotic lines again.

I hate shark week. The week before is just as dreadful for me. I know it’s coming when I start to get real on edge, sore and just down right bitchy. The Hubby always jokes he gets 2 weeks of nice me and 2 weeks of nasty me a month. I would trade him any day to no longer deal with shark week and have to just deal with blue balls and the occasional sack by running child at full speed (encouraged by other small being of course)

This is my shark week as well, thankfully school is in full swing, so I can sit in silence all day without ripping apart the existence of little beings, and the Hubby sits silently awaiting my attempt to associate with him without ripping his face off!

Good luck mama! I hate the rage and annoyance that accompanies shark week. I pretty much want to kick anyone who breathes in my general direction:) Here’s hoping it passes quickly and without incident:)LOL

HA! I’ve never heard it called that. I can totally relate. And mine seems to take up about two weeks, when all is said and done…

How are you, Mama?? I feel like I haven’t “talked” to you all summer.

Love ya!!

So true! Why is it that men get so randy when we are obviously out of commission??? So funny.

I wish I knew. But it is liable to get him punched in the junk if he tries to sidle up to me tonight! Unless he’s hiding a pizza in his pants and dipped in chocolate, I want nothing to do with him tonight:)LOL

ha. hahahahaha.
I love this. I want to know how in the world my husband can not tell by the extra trash and tampon wrappers in the garbage can that it’s “shark week” (my new favorite phrase, by the way) and leave me the hell alone at night instead of pawing me when I’m trying to go to sleep. It’s not happening, my love, move on….

LOL! How appropriate as I sit here reading this in the waiting room at the doctor. Hilarious. I’m gonna start calling you Miss Spider. Ha!

Along came a spider and sat down beside him and gobbled his head off his shoulders!Pick up those socks!!!!!!LOL

Hee! Too funny, so very true!

Hang in there Mama!

XO

Thanks dear. I hate that they are true.

A Mommy in the City

LOL. I love this post. All so very very true.

LOL! I wish they were not all true. I swear that I get on my own nerves during shark week. i must be utterly impossible to be around. my poor husband.

I love this post. Okay, surviving shark week–depending on the week I either need something sweet or chewy. Lately it’s been prunes instead of chocolate (don’t ask–I don’t know WHAT my body is thinking).

I feel bad for my hubby during this time (of course not during it) and I end up snapping because I’ve cleaned the same damn spot for nearly two weeks and still he puts stuff there (breathe).

If I’m not moody, then I’m emotional. The best way for anyone to survive this week with me is to make sure I have enough money in gift cards for my nook and stay out of my way.

Mommy Brain~ When Your Vagina gets the Fa-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-Lah

[…] convinced that I am probably on the verge of a full-blown case of sun-downers of the Mommy Kind. Shark week and a severe case of mommy brain seem to be co-existing in my life right now, running rampant if […]

LOVE IT! And it’s all true!!

My husband knows to bring wine and chocolate when I’m on shark week.

But like you, I don’t get why he finds me so damn attractive during this week. Doesn’t he want to keep his limbs??

I really think men are just crazy, thrill seekers and really what’s more dangerous than trying to mess with a woman on her shark week. One day my husband seriously is going to pull back a nub:)

Tracy@TheComfortZone

Great post! And like you said in the comments, I get on my own nerves during this time. I try not to take it out on everyone, but you can’t stop it. This is my first visit to your blog, nice to “meet” you!

[…] women, we can have an automatic deposit during the week of–or a few days before–Shark Week, so we’ll have it when we need it the […]

Breaking News~ Guess who

[…] that’s a personal question. It’s like asking a woman when she’s going to get her shark week next. Seriously, it is. It’s no bueno. Plus, it’s an uncomfortable question to be asked […]

#Cleverbeauty ~ Fall Beauty tricks to get your Outside matching your Inside

[…] not itch.It also helps flush your body of all that water weight we ladies tend to collect around shark week. Eat better. You need to get all of your daily recommended amount of vitamins,so eating fresh food […]

The Vagina Whisperer~ A Woman

[…] and speak Vaginese fluently down below at the most important moments of our lives…our first shark week,  that embarrassingly awkward attempt to get birth control in high school college, our first […]

Field Trip from hell, school, parents, teachers, chaperones, mean kids

[…] are made into them by lack of guidance. Lucky for Nellie that this field trip didn’t fall on shark week, things may have went a lot differently. I went home that night and thanked God for my sometimes […]

LOL! This is great! I was wondering where the title was going once I started reading. The praying mantis/black widow analogy was actually frightening.

Never ever ask me if I am PMS-ing because if I am, you will not survive.

Bieber Fever, Hootchie Halloween Costumes and Shark Week, Oh My!

[…] Week~ I suppose that could explain it all, right? Shark week is upon us again, of course it has decided to fall right on one of my favorite holidays of the […]

The First Pregnancy in the History of the Universe

[…] do talk about things other than motherhood, Shark Week and pregnancy on occasion and today I can be found at Aiming Low Miss Unlimited talking about […]

How to Train a Husband, husbands, marriage, relationships

[…] a lot of living in those years; babies being born, moving across the country, diagnosis and several shark weeks and in that way, I kind of am an expert on […]

The Shark Week Double Tap, shark week, PMS,Menstruation, womanhood

[…] the term Shark Week. If not here is a post to teach you everything you ever wanted to know about Shark Week. This brings us to my latest shark week […]

HA! And it’s all true!!

Parenting techniques, blanket statements and blow ups

[…] is more than just loving your kids, it’s loving yourself enough to matter. To put it best, shark week and parenting  go together like a flaming bag and dog shit; no ones happy and somebody might get […]

I see sick People

[…] needs ( except for my blogs obviously and my own) but this no sleep business coupled with it being Shark Week may not bode well for the patients of the house. My patience are wearing thin and these pretzels […]

The TRUTH About Motherhood – Mommy Kryptonite~That New Baby Smell

[…] I said it. I know my body like a fine tuned machine and I know two weeks to the day of the start of shark week, fertility lurks. Must resist moments of weakness and smell of fresh out of the oven new baby. And […]

The TRUTH About Motherhood – The Diva Cup~Naturally Divalicious

[…] white pants for that one ‘special’ week of the month. I call it shark week for a reason, it’s dangerous.*(When I was a teenager,white was my enemy for this very […]

The TRUTH About Motherhood – Throat Punch Thursday~ Victim of a Judgmental Doctor Edition

[…] Enraged. Wanted to throat punch her and cry simultaneously. On top of everything else, it’s shark week and I’m not feeling especially happy with excessive water weight that I’m […]

[…] once a week. But once in awhile, on a special occasion (your birthday, Fat Tuesday, a mega monster shark week or at the very least once in your life) you absolutely must try this […]

[…] icing on the cake, this all happens on shark week of the month that you could imagine!Wow! Life is sweet! Thanks life for metaphorically kicking the […]

[…] I sound like a complete loon but honestly, leave it to all this emotional shit to surface right on shark week. This would be one of those posts where I cringe and hit publish anyway. I know it’s not […]

[…] left knee, pulled my back and almost shattered my iPhone screen (the most grievous of injuries) on shark week. This is what getting old looks like, my friends. Embarrassment wrapped in humiliation, sealed with […]

[…] combination of sending an SMS text and motherhood is as tricky as mixing cranky toddlers and shark week. It’s probably not going to turn out well for anyone involved. Motherhood is a complex house […]

[…] don’t know if it’s because it’s shark week, or because it’s almost the first and that always reminds me of the fragility of life or if […]

[…] once a week. But once in awhile, on a special occasion (your birthday, Fat Tuesday, a mega monster shark week or at the very least, once in your life) you absolutely must try this […]

SO TRUE! Every. Single. Word! My favorite part was the “don’t be my Mother or Mother-in-Law” line. PREACH! We are two peas in one twisted homicidal pod. Long live #PMSClub!

I had never heard it referred to as Shark Week until your tweet. LOVE that phrase and love this post. I’m excited about our future with this club of ours. Hope no one messes with us, for their own good!

[…] was a huge success, if you don’t take into account the fact that I developed a raging case of shark week on the return trip home. Oye vey, my poor […]

[…] shopping for a smaller size shorts for myself during shark week, never a good idea by the way, my daughters commentary had me doubling over in laughter, nearly […]

[…] other and with that, per usual, we had 3 girls in a stall. Only once we got in there, I realized shark week was back with a vengeance.This was a straight up Jaws emergency. If you know what I […]

[…] happen to good people. But hey, I’ll do better next time. I’ll write a funny post about how to survive shark week without losing a limb or explaining your period to kids in a public bathroom at Panda […]

[…] in the middle of confirmation or during your first boy/girl dance. Then you bled out like the near survivor of a shark attack? Way before your lady bits had a one of a kind special delivery in the mail each month.Hello aunt […]

Leave a comment