Mommy Brain~ When Your Vagina gets the Fa-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-Lah

We’ve all heard of Mommy brain, right? You know that condition that makes everything foggy, forgotten and not quite sure if it’s really happening, supposed to be happening or already happened? Yeah, that’s Mommy brain. Hell, I’d bet my reminder list that most of us are in the throes of it at this very moment. Me, I’m convinced that I am probably on the verge of a full-blown case of sun-downers of the Mommy Kind. Shark week and a severe case of mommy brain seem to be co-existing in my life right now, running rampant if you will. I am not exaggerating when I say that if it weren’t for my head being attached, I’d have misplaced it by now. I have had some pretty near misses while experiencing my advanced stage of Mommy brain but some experiences stand out above and beyond the others in the humiliation department. Like this one…

Mommy brain, forgetfulness. children

Oh Mommy brain, why have you forsaken me?

It was a cold day in January and I had an OB/GYN check up. I was at that point in my pregnancy where I couldn’t see my feet. Let’s be honest, I couldn’t see anything south of the topside of my burgeoning belly swell. Who knows what the hell was going on south of that border? But I had a check up, nonetheless, and there was no way I was going in for it without a little landscaping down below beforehand. I refused to look like I had a chia pet in a headlock. It wasn’t happening.

I stepped into the shower and almost immediately; I was trying to lift my belly out of the way, to just be able to catch a small glimpse of my lady bits. Oh ,my poor lady bits I don’t think I’d actually seen them since conception.  All I could do was feel my way. Scratch. Bump. Crease. Opening. Labia. Clitoris. Baby. I’m making a mental note of the lay of the land, as I go. After much panting, praying and contorting, I started the near impossible task. This was a dangerous endeavor, to say the least. I’m no Helen Keller. I’d never done this before. There was a huge chance that some very important parts of me could be permanently severed and left behind to circle the drain. *Holy Mary, Mother of God, Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death* Hour of our death? Yes, this could have been at any moment. Can you imagine the amount of blood loss one could suffer if I she severed a lip? That thing’s attached for a reason. Sure it may look like it’s coming detached but damn it, it’s not.

Mommy brain, note to self..no lip left behind

An hour later the deed was done. I grabbed the mirror and when I lifted my belly, what was revealed to me looked very similar to a teenager trying to grow his first beard. Patchy with tufts of what looked like tiny Fu Manchu’s scattered all throughout my groin region. And not the tiny Fu Manchu’s that you might see on some hipster band mates, no these were the scary tiny Fu Manchu’s that you might see on a little person Kung Fu Master with a bad attitude and one eye. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I returned to the bowels of shower hell and after much effort on my part and a mirror that perpetually steamed up; I, finally, got the job done an hour and one freezing shower later.

I was so proud of myself.  I was going to walk into that appointment, drop trough, and show that handsome OB/GYN the most impressively landscaped vagina he’d ever seen on a woman that far into her pregnancy. Of that, I was certain. But wait; let’s take it to the next level. Why stop at just pretty? I grabbed the feminine hygiene spray and after a quick once over, I was not only impeccably groomed but I KNEW I smelled like a beautiful summer’s day. I got this.

After the exam was done, my doctor looks up at me and says, “Everything looks great and (with a knowing smile and a wink) very festive.” What the F*ck? That was inappropriate but I was a over cooked, over stuffed, waddling pregnant Godzilla in need of some extra attention. Hey, Big pregnant Girls need love too. Of course, I had no idea what he was referring to until I returned home. After a quick look in the mirror, to my utter surprise, what I thought was feminine hygiene spray was actually my 2 year olds Christmas themed Barbie spray. Yes folks, festive indeed. My hairless Chihuahua was now covered with green sparkly glitter spray. Nothing says Happy Holidays like a freshly decorated vagina.

 

*P.S. My birthday is next Saturday (9/25) and I would LOVE to reach 1000 blog followers via GFC by then. MY damn GFC was actually not working most of the past year so  if you loved this story, or you just love The TRUTH about Motherhood please consider clicking the GFC box and following me! Thanks. XO Debi

This is your vagina on Mommy brain

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Comments (39)

Ohhhhh Noooooo! LOL! U were well groomed alright! LOL

Yeah, I went the extra mile with the glittery spray. What an asshole he must of thought I was:)LOL

OMG! That’s hysterical! I don’t know if I’d be able to face that doctor again 🙂

Girl,I moved and never saw that doctor again. Talk about mortified, that’s an even worse feeling than walking around with your dress tucked in your panty hose ( been there done that too:)LOL

That may be the funniest pregnancy story EVER. Well done!

Thank you. I love that my suffering was not in vain and I am leaving that crazy glitter spray nowhere near anywhere it can ever get confused again. I can;t move again:)

That is freakin’ HYSTERICAL… and absolutely something that would happen to me. I feel your pain… and all of the effort it took to get the landscaping done with a ginormous belly… I’m out of breath just thinking about it. I swear I had to hold my breath to even shave my legs while I was hugely PG!

It is funny to me too…NOW! I can;t imagine what that doctor thought I was trying to prove by sparkling my vajay-jay and girl, that was long before the days of Vajazzling! I was a pioneer in the vagina sparkle area! I;m sure he will NEVER forget me 🙂

OMG! I am laughing so hard I might need to run to the bathroom! Too funny! At first it was funny b/c I’ve been there… I remember trying to trim up down there around that time and not being able to see… But the green decor? Too much!!!

GIrl don;t pee yourself,that happens to me too after having 2 big headed babies. http://motherhoodthetruth.com/2011/06/is-that-a-gerbil-in-your-pocket-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me/ yes, I can not imagine what that poor doctor thought was happening when he saw my sparkly green vagina!LOL

Oh, no, you di-int.

YOU ARE CRAZY.

I DID! I am crazy and you know this… What can I say sometimes bad shit happens to good people. The bad shit would be the sparkly Barbie spray, the good people would be my hairless chihuahua:)LOL I feel like with that description, my vagina is running around like speedy Gonzalez saying “andale, Andale…arriba,arribe!” Silly little vagina!

I laughed so hard I woke my daughter up feom her nap. This is so something that I would do, have done. Hate visiting the doctor while pregnant, when I was struggling to “tame the beast” down there my husband offered to do it for me.

Sorry, but him with razors near my very sensitive areas, no thank you. Had to settle for a bad haircut instead.

Girl, my husband offered too. I;ve seen the way he let’s his facial hair get straggly sometimes..I was not trusting him to shave my lady bits. That poor lip would have not stood a chance and I don’t know about you but I can’t afford to have my clitoris cut off:)LOL It took me a couple hours but I got it done.

Oh my that was so funny! I really hope the gfc keeps me connected this time! I have to go search you down every once in a while!

I needed this laugh today!

Oh no! Stupid GFC! Im telling you that thing is a pain in my rear!

Oh shit! I’m surprised that spray didn’t sting! I LOVE that you did this… and I love you… and your vagina.

I’m pretty sure after all the trauma of the landscaping that poor little kitty was in shock. I probably could have slapped some after shave on that bitch and wouldn’t have felt it at that point:)LOL P.S. I love you…too XO

Jessica Gottlieb

Oh. My. Gawd.

Your OB probably talks about the sparkly green vagina every Xmas & St Patty’s Day.

I’m sure he NEVER forgot me. I’m sure though every holiday season he is secretly hoping to do a check up and be greeted once again by a beautiful new sparkly vagina for Christmas:) I am truly mortified. But I moved, no way I was making eye contact after that ordeal any more than I had to.

Shut the ***bleeeeeep*** up! I was like, festive, what the hell did he mean by festive? And then, oh, that.

that might be the funniest thing I’ve heard all day!!! Festive, indeed! 🙂

OH MY!! Hahahaha!!

I guess you could have responded with “Well I AM going to a formal ball this evening”

OH MAH GAH! I’m lmao Deb!!!! LOLLLLLL

Oh! Something funny but I was really amazed of how you did all. I know what is this so but have I also laughed with the reaction of the doctor that everything looks great and are very festive.

You had me at “chia pet in a headlock.” Now I feel mortified in retrospect that I didn’t give my OB/GYN a prettier landscape to look at when I was pregant. 😉

LOL! And I just checked your blog out and your about me page had me pissing myself laughing. Love it!

You owe me a new laptop… I just spit my water all over mine!
This is too hysterical.

The Vagina Whisperer~ A Woman

[…] embarrassing case of stress incontinence, that first time we poop on the table, that time our vagina got the holiday spirit and especially, that one time we thought our uterus was falling out. These are times that we […]

I really hope the gfc keeps me connected this time! Hate visiting the doctor while pregnant, when I was struggling to “tame the beast” down there my husband offered to do it for me. Something funny but I was really amazed of how you did all. That is freakin’ HYSTERICAL… and absolutely something that would happen to me.

LOL! You may want to email subscribe. GFC will stop working on WP blogs soon:( Glad you are here!

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LMAO! I would die of embarrassment!

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