The Weight of the World is My Number on the Scale
Size 8, 12, and 14
I joined Weight Watchers on Friday the 13th~ I was inspired by my good friend, Lori of @mommyfriend. Her honesty and bravery have given me the strength to finally be honest with you about my biggest fear. My weight. I have been terrified of the the scale all of my adult life. More petrifying was that someone, anyone, would find out the number on the scale. Even though I may look overweight (as you can plainly see) I’ve become accustomed to pushing, pulling, nipping, tucking, spanxing and hiding the “fluff”. It’s amazing the power of a shaper these days. Those suckers must be made of of some super strength material from the planet Krypton. But when you remove the spanx, the fluff remains, no matter what angel you try to position yourself. Suck in, lay down, to the right, to the left; no matter what…it’s still there.
Weight is more than a Number on the Scale
I’ve done Weight Watchers once before. I lost 25 pounds, which sounds like a lot but I had a lot more to lose. Then life happened, as it always does, and we moved half way across the country. I missed my Weight Watchers group. I missed the support. I tried other meetings. I tried a couple different places. But it wasn’t the same. I wasn’t the same. My state of mind wasn’t the same. I was stressed and irritable. I turned to my old friend for comfort, and I gained the 25 pounds I had lost plus another 11. I was the heaviest I had ever been in my entire life and I felt miserable. I feel miserable.
I felt fat. I felt slovenly. I felt ugly. I felt out of control. I wanted to hide from the world. I started avoiding social situations out of fear of the audible gasp at the gain. Or worse, the disappointment in people’s eyes from gaining back what I had worked so hard to lose. I felt like a failure. I don’t do well with failure. I am the person who succeeds at whatever she sets her mind to so gaining this weight was a giant failure. A black mark on my very soul. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve never stopped trying to lose weight, but it’s not been the priority lately ( back went out, severely sprained my ankle, and holidays). Complaining seems to have been a lot easier.
I spiraled deeper and deeper into my black hole. I felt as if I were smothering beneath the weight of the guilt, the sadness, the grief of not having more control over my health, my body, my life.
I am more than my weight
I have started this journey so many times that it makes my head spin to think about it. I feel like the little boy who cried wolf, but instead I’m the woman who cried diet. No one believes it anymore. Have you done this? Broad sweeping declarations , “Tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of my life. I WILL LOSE THE WEIGHT!” The problem is, even I stopped believing it was possible. Then lately, people and inspiration have been put into my life to prove that it is possible.
I know some of you know exactly what I mean. Some of you don’t have to because you are naturally thin and to you I say, “I am so freaking jealous and I hope you never know the misery of having to lose weight.”
Last week, I joined Weight Watchers. Last week, I weighed myself, Friday the 13th, 2012, and I weighed 243 pounds. ( I will pause while you pick yourself back up off of the floor). No, I am not 8 foot tall. I am 5’7″. I am very overweight. I wear a size 18 pants. I am not telling you this because I am proud. In fact, not even my closest friends or sisters know my actual weight. I am sharing this with you because I REFUSE to be a slave of that number anymore. I will no longer hide in the shadows of life because of the number on the scale. It has never defined me but it has kept me from broadening my definition lately. No.MORE! In my first week I lost 5.8 pounds.I am very proud of that small accomplishment of losing that weight.
I’m telling you now because I am encouraging all of you to stop defining yourself by the fucking number on the scale. You are a bigger and better than that. Your value is not in the size of your pants. By telling you my number, I have taken away it’s power over me. It’s not a secret anymore. I AM changing that number. It might take me months, or even years, but I’m not stopping. I can’t. Not this time. This time it’s personal. I want to be healthy to be around to play with my children, dance at their weddings with the Big Guy and chase my children’s children around. I want to be able to dance my ass off on my 40th birthday this September in something cute and short; not the size of a toddler bed sheet.
I don’t know what’s lit this fire under my ass and compelled me to be so freaking honest with you, maybe it’s the new sassy hair cut or maybe I am simply tired of trying to hide my weight from the world. I am more than just a number on a scale. I am all kinds of awesome but I do want to change the packaging. I want to be as proud of the packaging as I am of the gift inside. I hope my honesty inspires you to free yourself from the weight of your world and face your fears; whether it be a number on the scale, an unrealized dream or anything that brings down the happiness quotient in your life. What is the greatest weight in your life? Will you join me in freeing yourself from the weight in your world?
Weight, you have no power over me
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What a moving post. You are brave and strong and lovely. You’re so right — we all have “weight” that keeps us from realizing our true selves, physical or otherwise. I support you in your fight to get healthy. It is so hard.
And by the way: 5.8 pounds your first week? That’s something to celebrate – Way to go!
Andrea recently posted..Gratitude
Thank you for your kind words! Here’s hoping we all get passed our weight and realize all of our dreams! XX
This is such a great post! I’ve seesawed too, been motivated, then not, then motivated again. It’s freaking exhausting. Then had some health problems recently and realized it’s not about a number, like size or weight. It’s about health. And that’s changed the game for me. Anyway, awesome post and you go girl cause you can do it if you set your mind to it! As soon as I figure out how to follow your blog from twitter, I will.
So sorry that you are experiencing any health problems. We will get healthy! WE can do it. I will no longer be put into a box by my weight or any superficial boundaries.We are more than we appear to be.
As for following, you are welcome to RSS subscribe or email subscribe ( both can be done on the blog sidebar:)
Thanks for the encouragement my friend.
Go you, what a moving post Deb. I’m in awe of your honesty and all that you share in hopes of helping others. Truly you are amazing. xo
Jessica recently posted..What I Need
Thank you so much, my friend! Your words mean more than you know.
I am also going to be blogging a lot about weight over the next few weeks as I am going on “diet rehab.” I lost 60 lbs. on WW a few years a back and then got pregnant again and gained it all back and more. I don’t even know that number because I am afraid to weigh. My clothes sizes are bad enough. Thank you for sharing so honestly.
Leslie recently posted..Am I a Junk Food Junkie?
Thank you. I too was too afraid of the scale and the number that it would show, this is why I finally had to shout it from the rooftops. I had to release myself from it’s hold..FINALLY! THere’s no turning back now. Only moving forward. I’m on this journey now.I want to feel beautiful, not shameful of my body.It’s not necessarily a number that I am looking for so much as it is being happy and comfortable with who I am and the body that I live in.
What a moving and motivating post Debi. I was surprised at your weight because one would never know it from your pictures. As far as I have known you, I have always thought you were beautiful. You are. Weight Watchers helped me lose 25 lbs too. I know you can do it again and this time, you’re going all the way girl. You deserve to look the way you want to look. Simple as that. We here, your readers, love you no matter what but support you in this quest. Go Debs go!
Bruna recently posted..things I’d like to see happen before I die
Thanks Bruna. I think my weight is deceptive. I am curvy, so it’s not so obviously out of shape BUT believe me the scale doesn’t lie.
I am doing it again. Failure is not an option. I won;t quit and if I fall off the wagon or plateau, I’ll just find a way to kick start it. I can’t quit.
Good for you! 5.8 lbs. is incredible. This was a great post – thank you! I’ve done Weight Watchers (a few times…). Right now, I’m in that icky place, where I want to lose weight but am struggling with the motivation and self-discipline to make it happen. Best of luck to you on this journey.
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THank you. I know that icky place. I’ve spent a lot of time there. I am done though. I can’t dwell there any longer. I have to kick myself in the ass. I Started with just the WW program and this week I will start introducing some cardio. I will start slow. I know if I overwhelm myself I will quit. Slow and steady!
The curvier the better!
Been there, am there. I started WW last October. You are definitely not alone.
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Jennifer,
We can do this!IF you need support. I am always here.
Debi even when you lose the weight you will still have a pair of the biggest balls around. Putting the number out there is huge. You’ve got this.
Poppy,
I love that! You are probably so right:)
I have lost 212 pounds on Weight Watchers and am an ambassador for the 2012 BELIEVE Campaign. YOU CAN DO THIS! You have the right mindset, and you will be successful.
That is awesome! THank you so much for the encouragement. YOu are inspiring. I CAN DO THIS. I WILL DO THIS! I don’t care how hard or long I have to work.I am ready for this change.
We started at almost the same weight and are the same height. Only difference is, I didn’t lose more than a pound or so the first week – or since then, for that matter, 4 weeks later. But I know we both can do this. Let’s take control over our lives and our health, shall we?
Mrs. Jen B recently posted..Sausage Stuffed Mushrooms
WE WILL DO IT!! What’s the saying, slow and steady wins the race? I;m here if you need support. It’s time we take our lives back.
This is a wonderful post and great way to view life!
JDaniel4′s Mom recently posted..Just Looking at Pinterest Can Lead to Coveting
Thank you. I am trying to take life by the horns and live it to the fullest with happiness.
As a women we are defined by our weight and how we look. While I may wear a size 8, I am no where near as in shape as the model in the photo. It can be depressing to not look as toned and in shape as what we see in images and the media. We are more than our weight.
Elaine @ Events by Elaine recently posted..19 Questions to Ask Your Wedding Planner – Answers from Events by Elaine
Hi! I’m catching up on some of your previous posts, and this one is so moving. You are incredibly brave for putting your number out there…I am so impressed by that. You’re an inspiration! I put on 20 lbs after I got married and went off birth control. Then I put on another 40 with my first pregnancy. I still needed to lose 11 when I got pregnant with my son. Now i’m down to needing to lose 3 from that pregnancy, plus the 11, plus the 20. (Ok, that makes 34lbs. Whew, math can be tough on this mommy brain, haha!) Anyway, weight loss is a tough journey, and I look forward to following your progress. And ps… I love the honesty of your blog, it’s inspired a post that i’m in the process of writing. I’ll let you know when it’s up…i’ll be linking to you!
Megan recently posted..Out With the Girls?
Your words humble me. I will be looking forward to reading your post. THank you so much fro reading and for your very kind words. XO
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