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Mommy Wars

Caroline Berg Eriksen, weight loss, mommy wars, sisterhood

So it happened. You know that moment when something just clicks? Well, yesterday something just clicked. I decided to just do it. I am doing it. This morning was the first day.

I’ve been seeing this photo floating around FB of Caroline Berg Eriksen, the Norwegian soccer wife and fitness blogger, in her undies and bra looking like a svelte supermodel four days after giving birth. People are annoyed by her and asking why she would do something like this. People are pissed off. How dare she look that good 4 days after giving birth! It has to be a fake.

Well, not me. I say, Go GIRL! Hell, I don’t know how she did it. I am assuming that she was in pretty damn good shape before giving birth, being a fitness blogger and all and maybe she just has those good genes. We don’t know her story or her struggles. We just saw a picture and got pissed because life isn’t fair. I won’t lie, I’m a little jealous. She’s got my “after” body. You know the body I “hope” to have after getting in losing weight and getting into shape.

caroline berg eriksen, weight loss, mommy warsMy sister-in-law had 4 kids and after every birth, she looked svelte. Of course, she was an athlete and I was not. Both times, I left the hospital at my pre-pregnancy weight, wearing my regular pants, with a muffin top and the best thing that ever happened to me bundled in my arms. As far as I am concerned, I was the luckiest girl in the world. I wish we didn’t all define ourselves by the size of our asses and that we didn’t always compare the size of our asses to everyone else’s asses, but we do.

All summer, I was very diligent about working out. I was walking/jogging 5 days a week and watching and logging every single morsel of food that went into my mouth. It was becoming a habit; a healthy way of living. For someone who has obsessed over her weight for most of her life and then tried to cheat her way to skinny, a shift in my way of thinking and habits was almost a miracle.  I was embracing it. I felt proud of myself. Hell, I even felt a little sexy which is something I never feel. My clothes were fitting better and life just seemed brighter. If you’ve ever battled with body image, you know that this was not vanity; this was security.

I felt good about myself and that was something foreign to me but it felt good. Then I went to BlogHer and I fell off the wagon. I was eating whatever I wanted, drinking alcohol to be social and snacking on tiny cheeseburgers at all hours of the night. I just wanted to be normal; enjoy my time with my friends and not worry about food. Fucking food is the bane of my existence but I didn’t just fall off the wagon, I went charging off the wagon head first.

I had every intention of getting back on the wagon when I got back home but I never did. I tried but here I am 5 months later confessing that I gained all the weight back. I am disappointed with myself but instead of doing something about it, I just fed my shame with more carbs and it made matters worse. Since Halloween, all bets have been off. My eating habits have been like a runaway train chocked full of poor choices and absolutely NO.EXERCISE! Every day is a perpetual walk of shame. If you’ve ever been heavy or unsatisfied with the skin you live in, you know what I am talking about.

This is a mighty slippery slope for the girl in recovery from Eating Disorders. I’ve caught myself lately thinking; maybe I should just throw that up. Mostly, I don’t but in all honesty, a couple times I have; silently and quietly and then I find myself thinking, I can do this. But I don’t want to and I don’t let myself but right there in my brain, I know the cheater’s solution. I know how to gain control of this runaway train (or maybe just trade it in for a better looking model). I have little girls and my selfish days are long over, I can’t be that horrible example for them. I need to be better than that, in spite of myself. I need to be strong. I need to be healthy.

I’ve had some very inspirational women present in my life lately; my sister with hard work, exercise and a change in eating habits has changed her life. My friend Erin is bravely facing her challenges in life and getting stronger every day. It’s not easy but she is worth fighting for, finally she knows that. My friend Jenni is one of the strongest women I know and she never gives up. She dusts her self off, does what needs to be done and kicks another day’s ass. My friend Niki always keeps going, even when she is too tired and weary to take another step. She stays positive and never loses sight of what’s important. My friends Amy & Jennifer, they are busting their asses and you can see the changes in their bodies, minds and in their spirits. They are happy and determined. All of these women are changing their lives by making the decision to face the hard choices and to take control when the whole damn thing is out of control. They inspire me. I am happy for them. I support them for being their best even at life’s worst an for persevering even when life’s challenges seem insurmountable. I want to do the same.

I don’t need to knock anyone else down in order for me to stand tall. Who cares if Caroline Berg Eriksen looks unnaturally perfect after giving birth, we don’t know how she’s come to where she is in life and we don’t know her struggles and challenges. Truly, I’ve got plenty to worry about in my own house, like my own weight and making sure I am being a good example to my girls, I don’t have the time or energy to be hating on a new mom who looks fantastic. I’m happy for her because I wouldn’t wish unhappiness with your body on anyone.

I am doing it. Today, I made the decision to stop listening to the self defeating voices in my head and know in my heart that I can do this…the right way. Thank you for the inspiration ladies.

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motherhood, mommy wars, Stephanie Metz, bad parenting

You know how sometimes you read something and it just rubs you the wrong way? Well, this post by Stephanie Metz rubbed me the wrong way. Her sanctimommy antics have caught my attention and not in a good way. Apparently, these days, to be a good parent we are not supposed to give a shit about our kids and sit back and just let life happen to them. Do them a favor and let them learn about life the hard way because that’s the way God intended it to be.

Don’t let those entitled little snots think they are the center of your world. Life is hard and if you want to raise good citizens of the world, you have to make the hard choice and go against your maternal instinct and ignore your children’s needs, put your own needs first and to hell with what any tree hugging, baby-wearing asshole says about you. You have to do your children the favor of showing them just how hard life can be. Hey kid, you are born alone, you will die alone and I am not your mama..oh wait, I am. Anyways, don’t count on me either. I have things to do. Well, at least that is what all the anti-attachment parenting, baby bjorn burning, ferberizing people of the world might have you think.

I say if you had them, take care of them. I am not saying to put them in a damn bubble but you can’t just toss them off to the wolves as toddlers because it’s too “inconvenient” for you to have to exert yourself to raise them; to parent them; to protect them. If you didn’t want to be a parent then maybe you should have passed on the whole “having a kid” thing in the first place.

I’m not advocating that children should have their mommies and daddies do all of the heavy lifting but we have to at least teach them to stick up for themselves not just abandon them in the line of fire and hope they figure out how to bob and weave. Look, I have learned, the hard way, that kids outgrow the protective bubble so we have to teach them to live outside of our bubble of protection. We absolutely have got to give them a little space to figure out who they are and how to exist in the world when we are not there. If not we are doing them just as much of a disservice as those crazy moms who throw their kids to the metaphorical wolves. The point is we have to be present to teach them. There’s got to be a happy medium somewhere between attached at the hip, wearing a helmet and free-range, do whatever the hell you want because I can’t be bothered.

The rules of parenthood keep changing so quickly that my head is spinning. First, if you weren’t crunchy all the time, you were a shit parent. So we all ran out and bought all the organic food in pouches and cloth diapers we could find. Then it shifted and we were supposed to give our kids the freedom to be who they are. Who the fuck are they? Isn’t that part of the joint journey of parenthood and childhood to help them find out? Now, all the free-rangers turned on the helicopters and a parenting civil war ensued. So many casualties, what’s a new mom to do?

Who is she supposed to believe? Poor thing she’s standing there in a corner huddled with her newborn swaddled tightly, crying because today changing a diaper is like deciding which wire to cut; is it the blue or the red? If you’re wrong. BOOM! The whole damn thing will blow up and you’ve ruined this perfect person’s life forever. Don’t you know which diaper a kid poops in could be life altering? Bad.Parent! And now, the tide has shifted again and there has been an onslaught of mom’s shouting their battle cry at the children of the world, “YOU.Are.NOT.the.Center.of.my Universe!!!” just to prove to other mothers, and maybe to themselves, that they are more than just someone’s mommy. Look, I understand. We all begin to feel like were drowning in motherhood from time to time but I don’t think the answer is to throw our kids in the deep end and tell them to sink or swim.

My kids ARE the center of my universe and while, I am not going to fight every battle for my children I don’t think I have the stomach for watching them learn things the hard way. That’s my job, to be there to protect them and teach them how to live in the world and if all else fails, I want them to know mommy has their back.

We are better parents when we prioritize ourselves because over-exhausted and overwhelmed in martyr mode, renders us pretty much useless to everyone including our children. Everything ends up half-assed.

Sure, I miss peeing alone but I signed up for the “no pissing alone for 5-10 years zone” when I decided I wanted to be a mom. I knew kids needed my time, attention and love. What I didn’t count on was my own obsession with keeping them safe and happy. Can’t we all just get along for our kids’ sakes. Parenthood is not a pissing contest. Motherhood is YOUR journey with YOUR children.

motherhood,mommy wars



My girls are the center of my universe because I love them enough to let them be.

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rise of the real, how to blog, blogger, blogging, daddy bloggers, women's rights

Bloggers are full of shit. Some of them anyways. I’ve recently noticed a trend among a few select bloggers who specifically go against the grain just to stir the pot. I am not bashing male bloggers, some of my favorite people on the Internet are dad bloggers but there are a few who have been hitting a nerve. It’s like Rush Limbaugh and Howard Stern had a devil baby who is a pathological liar. You know who I’m talking about. Bloggers are story tellers, some truth, some fiction and then sometimes a little bit of creative license (bullshitting if you will) mixed in just to keep things interesting.

I not saying that they post on the occasional controversial topic. We all do that. These particular “bloggers” are all drama, all the time. They’re so full of shit, I’m not even sure if they know the difference between what’s real and what’s made up anymore. It’s exhausting just reading. I can’t imagine how taxing it must be to actually be the one trying to keep all that shit straight. Controversial things happen and we have opinions that is natural and hey, if we’re being honest, it’s not being a troll to throw your name in the hat for consideration by the almighty Google. What I am referring to is the intentional and habitual abuse of salacious titles and creating controversy where there is none just for the sheer joy of pissing people off and increasing traffic. Stop fanning the flames of the mommy war or any war for that matter. Matt Walsh I’m looking at you.

We’ve all fallen prey to these sort of blog posts. It either turns out to be the old bait and switch or the post is so outlandish that you think your head might explode Scanners style while reading it, all while assuming that you must be getting punked. Surely, this is not intended to be taken seriously. When did the guy next door turn into a rabid Bill O’Reilly? Maybe he took some bath salts or got a bad batch of Krokodil before sitting down to type, either way, this dude is a little bit batshit crazy.

Look, I don’t mind a little creative license but fuck is any of it true anymore? Is everything just part of the “storyline” , added for effect? Stop superimposing yourself into the “mommy wars”, you don’t belong there. You are not a mommy. Stop creating controversy. We all know it’s bullshit and if you are going to keep writing it, for the love of God, man, can you give us a disclaimer that reads that this piece is fiction? I mean, at least do us the courtesy of not pretending that we are stupid and please stop writing press releases about it. It’s nothing personal guys, I just wish we could get something with a little more meat to it. Give me some of your truth.

It’s like when you are pissed at your sister, you can call her on her bullshit but nobody else better say a word? Well, it’s sort of like that. We women live as women and we may not walk in everyone’s shoes but at least we share the plumbing to have an inkling of what’s going on with other women, men do not; at least not from the firsthand perspective. Men are allowed to have an opinion about anything they want but if you don’t have breasts, a uterus, a vagina and clitoris,

I don’t care what you think I should do with mine because you have no point of personal reference.

*** I am only talking about ME, you are welcome to weigh in on your wives, daughters and loved ones.

Don’t tell me how I should feel about breastfeeding! Don’t tell me whether or not I should have a home birth or one at the hospital. Do NOT even try to give an opinion about whether my labor should be medicated or not. I don’t need your feelings on abortion, transvaginal ultrasounds, date rape, miscarriage, stay-at home, work-at-home or work-out-of-the-home. I don’t care what your opinion is about my breast size, breast augmentation or how, when, why I get pregnant.  I don’t need you to weigh in on what size my ass should be or how often I should be want sex. I don’t need you to intervene on our behalf to other women in the mommy wars. I’ve got it covered. I don’t need you to be my shining knight in this area. I have my husband for that. I don’t need you to tell me that I shouldn’t experience mommy guilt or worry about whether or not my perfect balancing act of helicopter mom and free-range mom are coming dangerously close to falling completely uncrunchy. I don’t need you to tell me how hard being a mother is, I know and I certainly don’t need any commentary from you on how I should feel or behave as a mother, me and my uterus got it covered.Thanks.

If you really want to contribute to the conversation be a more interested husband, engaged father, committed boyfriend. Worry about you. Treat women like people, not china on the highest shelf in the cabinet. Go commiserate with your fellow penis people. Just write about something real that you actually have experience with and if that includes miscarriage, abortion, breasts, stay-at-home parenting, work-at-home parenting or whatever else that may include go for it. But leave the stupid controversy on topics you have no experience with to someone better equipped to understand the situation.

End rant.

Has anyone else noticed this happening? What happens when the blogging veil comes down and you realize that the blogger you used to love is full of shit?

***Update, those of you who know me know that I am not a feminist, angry bitter person and I don’t mind sharing traffic so, per the advice of many dad bloggers, I added the links to those full-of-shit bloggers that I was referring to so you can all know I am not speaking to the general population. In fact, I even linked to a couple of my favorite dad bloggers just so you know they rock. You who have read me before today know that the Big Guy, my husband,  is my favorite person in the world and he is involved in every facet of parenting our children and he is my trusted confidant in all things in life. He gives me his honest opinion about everything because I respect what he thinks and he is usually my voice of reason and when it is something that he cannot personally relate to..like how it feels to give birth or labor for 13 hours or have your body fail you in a pregnancy, he is there to support me and reassure me that it will all be alright, as I am for him. I’m really not the C U Next Thursday, you all believe me to be.

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mommy business trips, conferences, throat punch thursday

Throat Punch Thursday,wall street journal, mommy business tripsSo, I read this Wall Street Journal article this morning about “Mommy Business Trip” basically mocking moms who go to conferences because mommies don’t work, right? I will put you out of your misery now and tell you that the deserving recipient of today’s throat punch is the woman, Katherine Rosman, who wrote this article.

The jist of the article is that moms go to conferences and conventions just so they can guilt-free ( as if there is such a damn thing) jet off and leave their “responsibilities” i.e kids and husband to have a girls weekend because what could we moms possibly need “business trips” for?

I don’t know about you but I am the hardest working mommy I know. I clean my house, I cook meals, I fold the fucking laundry, I’m room mother for both classes, I run my kids to all of their classes, school functions and occasions plus I work from home full-time and I am the mother fucking bomb.com. I work and then I work some more and I have the bags under my eyes and fatigue to prove it. I don’t need an excuse to get away. I need an insane asylum for not doing it sooner.

I have not been to any conferences yet because of this very mentality. I can’t leave my family because then what kind of “mom” would I be? What will people think? I’ll tell you what kind of mom I would be…a human one. Man cannot live on bread alone and Moms cannot live on wiping snotty noses, folding laundry and wiping asses alone. It’s lonely at the top and we need a break. And to be fair, I hear a lot of moms bring their kids with them! Yeah, loads of partying goes on when you have a wee one suckling from your teet.

Okay, so I went on my first overnight without my family in January. My oldest is 8, I’ve not been alone in 8 years. 8. YEARS!! Is that even natural? And no, I don’t get to be alone when I shower or pee. I am chaperoned by little people at all hours of the day and night. NO, I don’t even get to sleep without tiny feet kicking me in the back or headbutting me in the face.

I am going to two conferences this year and leaving on my second Press trip in a couple of weeks, during the busiest month of the year for me. I have a daughter getting her first communion, a daughter turning 6, a husband celebrating his 38th birthday, a 14th wedding anniversary to celebrate, Mother’s day, end of the year ballet performances, end of the year violin recitals, the annual neighborhood garage sale, not to mention all of my household chores and my work obligations. I have a lot of shit to get done. Why am I going on this press trip? Because I need some fucking sleep and to talk to adults and maybe, more likely, it will be beneficial to my career in some small way.

mommy business trip, wall street journal, Katherine Rosman

I will go to the conferences this year to further my career, to reactivate my brain cells, to make some connections, to better myself and to let my husband have some alone time with our girls. He is just as capable and a lot more patient than me and a better cook and a whole lot more fun. I am going to kick my blog up a notch and yes, to meet some of the wonderful women who I have been friends with for years online. You know, the women who sent my children books to help them through the loss of their beloved dog, the women who cried with me and sent me their condolences when I miscarried last May, the same women who have helped me to learn and grow as a mother and a writer, in my life and in my career; my friends. Is it so wrong that I look forward to seeing them while attending a conference for my work?

I don’t think it’s an excuse to act like an asshole, get drunk and pretend I am single but I also don’t think that I should be punished for choosing to have a family. Why should I be a shut in and not be able to have a career and be with me kids too? Motherhood is not a prison sentence and we are not being punished, we are not on lock down so if we can afford it and our husbands are okay with it, what’s the fucking problem with women ( who happen to have children) attending conferences to better themselves and their careers? I’m sick of these self-imposed guilt trips we adhere to and I am especially sickened when another woman is the chauvinist pig by whose pen the blow is delivered.

The writer of the piece Katherine Rosman, well, I wonder if she’s ever spent any actual time at home with children? My guess is that only a person who has never spent years loving a child and giving their everything to keep them safe and alive and thriving could speak about moms going to blogging conferences or conventions of any sort with such disdain. Dad’s go to conferences and business trips and yes, even guys trips and that is perfectly acceptable but the moment a woman does the same thing, it must be under the guise of some convoluted excuse to escape her family.

Shame on you Ms. Rosman for throwing your sex under the bus for a headline. You receive a well-deserved throat punch. I hope it was worth it to mock moms and make them feel like failures for being human.

What do you think of moms attending conferences and conventions? Are they JUST an excuse to get away from their families and life or are they actually trying to learn something, grow themselves, become better? What do you think of “Mommy Business Trips”?


Photo: WSJ

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Throat Punch Thursday,Judgymoms

As many of you know by now, this month I am celebrating my second blogiversary by having some of my bloggy friends share their Truths about Motherhood.I started this blog ,in part, because I wanted to share the truth but I also really wanted a place where other moms could come and see that they are not alone, that none of us are perfect.Perfect parenting is a myth! After reading the Truths of my fellow moms, their bravery,willingness to share and the vulnerability they have shown I am convinced more than ever that judgy moms deserve a really big throat punch.

I know we all have our preconceived notions as to what motherhood is supposed to look,feel and be like from the outside. The damn parenting books do absolutely nothing to prepare us for the real thing. It’s easy to sit way up on a judgmental petal-stool when you have been spoon fed bullshit. But once we actually experience it, are in the wake of it, then we should change our way of thinking.

It’s become the norm to mercilessly judge our fellow Mommies, while behind closed doors we secretly feel their pain…in triplicate. Wouldn’t it make more sense if we could all just be honest with one another in the first place and share our war stories; good and bad. If we could be honest, we could be supportive,we could lend an ear,we could build one another up instead of tear each other down. Life would be so much better for all of us.

So to all you Mommies, who haven’t figured it out yet..sisterhood is so much better than isolation. I don’t know about you but I’d much rather be having a party with my peers than be stranded on an island by myself. So this weeks throat punch, well more like a slap on the wrist goes to judgy Mommies. You are only getting a Chuck Norris slap because I think you know not what you do. Come read some of these truths of my guests or read my daily ones…this is the way it;s supposed to be. We support one another through motherhood. We share our ups and downs. We help each other make it through the rough patches and we are one another’s greatest cheerleaders in our parenting successes. Don’t fall victim to another throat punch…come join the party.It’s a lot more fun with a little help with your friends than being in the ocean of parenting without a life preserver.

Throat Punch, Chuck Norris, Judgy Moms suck

Also, to see the sisterhood in action. Go check out  Bruna at Beeswithhoney.com; every Friday she features a blogger to share with the rest of her community because she is awesome at the sisterhood through motherhood. She is a great blogger, with a lot of insight into motherhood and a wonderful all around person. This week I have the distinct pleasure of being her featured blogger. Go check it out.

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This post is for my fellow Mommy bloggers. I know some of you don’t like to be pigeonholed by the term. I, myself, am pretty proud of it. I have only been writing this blog for about 2 years, but in that time I have surrounded myself with a wonderful community or women and men; mostly parents and bloggers.  I have met amazing women all over the globe. My friend and advice pool has increased exponentially. I have also learned that there is a definite pecking order in the community, as there is in any social circle. People with seniority are obviously going to know more about the field and have more experience and insight. This is nothing new. This is the way of the world.

Last night, I was checking my Twitter stream and I saw a confusing tweet about Top Tier (more seasoned) Mommy Bloggers and it linked to a post. I won’t link that post because I don’t like to give traffic to what I think is a malicious rant. I wasn’t sure if the tweet was in agreement of the post or against it. So, my interest was piqued and I had to read it for myself.The jist was that it was a complaint rant ( a whine, if you will) about how Top Tier Mommy bloggers are aloof and “take” all the opportunities and that the only reason they have the opportunities that they have is because they were here first.She went on to insinuate that the entire “community” that they inundate themselves with is nothing more than a handful of other Top Tier Mommy bloggers. The entire post felt to me like a platform to attack. Of course, it is her blog and she is entitled to say whatever she wants about whatever she wants.It’s her opinion but it really felt like sour grapes to me.

I am NOT a big name blogger, by any means. I fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum of Mommy bloggers.But I can say this with complete authority, these women are where they are because they are talented writers, they work hard to network, they put themselves out there with their writing and most have been working hard at this for years.YEARS!The writer of the post says that the Top Tier Mommy bloggers “worm” their way into every single internet uproar referencing the Today Moms and Babble.com. These bloggers are the authority because they’ve been doing it the longest and gotten exposure for being pioneers in the field. The Today Show and Babble go to them first because the Top Tier Mommy bloggers are the ones who have been here for the longest. FYI, I know several “new” bloggers (especially int he NYC area) who have several media opportunities. So, it’s not just about being in that elite group. You have to be available and engage in social media. You can’t sit on a Mommy blogger throne and just think you are so special that the world must come to you. We are all moms. We grow babies and share our experience, have opinions..the end. Most are not independently wealthy, they are paid in prestige. They are paid in mattresses, trips and cameras.They write because they love to write. They write to maintain their sanity.They write because they have something to say. They keep writing because we are reading. I admire them for their fortitude and ambition.It’s hard to keep working so diligently on a goal that is almost impossible to reach.Mommy blogging is about as hard as actual Mommying, with much less rewards.

I wonder if the blogger who wrote the post has even ever tried to reach out to these so called Top Tier bloggers? I have. I have networked and chit chatted with just about every single one of them via Twitter, FB, our blogs, email and various other blogging platforms. You know what? The ones I’ve interacted with are very friendly, willing to guide/mentor a new blogger, gracious and smart. They don’t shut new bloggers out. But, as a new blogger, you have to be willing to engage, introduce yourself. They don’t know you. How could they? You’ve never met. It’s common sense, just like in your real life relationships.You have to make an effort. You can’t sit on your ass and expect Mohammad to come to the mountain. Most of us are not that fucking special.In fact, no one is that fucking special. Life is about relationships. You get out what you put in.

It’s ridiculous that I have to defend these ladies for doing nothing wrong. This post I read talks about community and the TOP TIER bloggers keeping it very elite and cliquey when she herself is the one who is attacking; shutting them out. They are not writing about keeping people out. She is. I think this is more a case of sour grapes than anything else. This is where the dysfunction comes from in this community.Not from Top Tier Mommy bloggers shutting people out but from whiny bloggers giving up and looking for someone else to blame for their own shortcomings. Work hard, persist and persevere or give up and shut up. Either way, stop complaining.

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