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birthday

birthday, just a little longer, 12th birthday, love letter to my daughter

She runs up to me and holds my face in her tiny hands, “Mama, I love you foreber and eber. Ok?” Gabs posed everything in question form as a toddler. Still, my heart knew what she meant. She was going to love me as long as I was going to love her. This is our legacy, to love just a little longer.

READ ALSO: Happy Birthday to my Daughter on her 14th Birthday

Since she was born, my personality doppelganger, she simultaneously pushed me away as she pulled me near. I got it. I get it. I am her and she is me. We are the same in so many ways. When she was tiny, so tiny, she wouldn’t let anyone else hold her (except for the Big Guy but still, she preferred me over all else and I loved it.) Everyone else hated it but, secretly, I loved that I was the one she always wanted and I happily obliged. How many evenings did we spend, just the two of us, feeding and her falling asleep in my arms? I could have stayed there in those quiet moments, just the two of us, forever.

READ ALSO: Love Letter to my Daughter on her 7th Birthday

But children are like trees, they plant roots but they just keep on growing and evolving; more beautiful and more majestic with each passing year. How I love to watch them grow. It is my greatest pleasure and biggest honor. That’s what being a mom is… letting go and being thankful for the opportunity to be part of something bigger than yourself. They are my legacy.

Still, as I watch my newly/nearly/almost 12-year-old, my heart still pulls toward her and wants to caress her face softly and check that she is breathing, just like I did on all those nights while I watched her sleep as a newborn. I may have even woken her up a few times, just to be able to hold her for just a little longer.

She is growing up to be such an amazing young woman. She is strong, independent, fierce and not fearless but brave. She is scared of a lot of things; mostly big things like death and life and endings and beginnings. She is wise beyond her years.  She has the wisdom of a scholar and a heart that loves with no boundaries. I am fascinated by who she is becoming.

READ ALSO: I’ll Love You Fourever

She is me and I am her but she is so much better than I could have ever have hoped to be. My Gabs is truly a gift to all who know her. She’s effortlessly witty and funny; charming in her own special way.  I only wish that she knew how genuine and one of a kind she is. I watch her from a close distance because she is not the child who wants me to do everything for her. She wants to do everything herself.

Learning from mistakes is where she thrives. Even though I hate to watch her stumble as she grows, her independence only allows me to help her up after she falls. That is the beauty in her. She never gives up. Once she decides what she wants the only thing that can stop her is her and I admire her for that. Her spirit is like an eagle taking flight and I love this kid more than words can adequately convey. I hope she always knows how proud and honored I feel to be her mother.

READ ALSO: Love Letter to My Daughter on her 11th Birthday

 

Gabs,

 

12-years ago tonight, I held you on my chest for the first time ever. Meeting you will always be one of the most profound moments of my life. I have and will always love you more than everything. You make me proud every single day of your life. Don’t grow up too fast. I want to hold you in my heart and be your favorite person just a little longer. Keep being yourself and making your videos and cracking your jokes. Keep saying what’s on your mind. Never stop dressing and dancing they way you want. You are amazing. You’ll always be my love and my life, sweet girl. I’m going to love you forever and ever, ok?

 

Love,

Mama

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blondienites, 14th birthday party, love letter, 14th birthday, birthday girl, happy birthday

I know not everyone agrees with this or has this same experience because parenting a teen is a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get from one day to the next, even from one hour to the next. One minute they love you and the next, maybe you’re the dumbest person to ever walk the face of the earth with the dinosaurs. But sometimes you get lucky, even if it’s just for a little while, and they love the shit out of you. Maybe we’re in the honeymoon phase of teen parenting but for today, happy birthday to my teenager, my best friend. There I said it. I love and her sister more than anyone in the world and quite honestly, I like her more than most people too.

blondienites, 14th birthday party, love letter, 14th birthday, birthday girl, happy birthday

The past few months have had me feeling a certain kind of way. It’s a new avenue in parenting that I’m just beginning, the teen years. Bella turned 13 last year and I felt the tug of her growing up. However, my little girl leaned in and we’ve gotten closer. We talk about everything that she wants to share, I don’t push but I encourage her to know that I’m always here. It’ worked for us, so far. I know it’s not the popular parenting school of thought but she is becoming my best friend and I love how close we are. I have no idea what the next few years will bring so I am cherishing every moment she chooses me to confide in. I’m here for all it.

READ ALSO: Love Letter to my Daughter on her 7th Birthday

In the past year, there’s been first crushes, a new understanding of friendship and knowing when to hang on and when to let go, there’s been putting family first, learning that kindness is something we can give that always replenishes, finally comprehending that we cannot control how other’s respond to what we put out there. She’s become kind, generous and compassionate all on her own in ways I wouldn’t even have thought of because she believes it’s the right thing to do.

blondienites, 14th birthday party, love letter, 14th birthday, birthday girl, happy birthday

She’s become unapologetically herself not giving too much of a damn of what other’s think of her. My favorite shift I’ve seen this year, while she may still fight and bicker with her little sister, she will always go to bat if anyone even thinks about hurting her sister. Lastly, she is embracing her Latino culture in a way she has not fully appreciated in the past and that makes my heart happy. She also seems to be starting to be grateful and appreciate the parents that she has.

READ ALSO: Birthday with a Surprise Ending

Yesterday, she turned 14-years-old. We’ve already started planning next year’s quinceanera (in case you are not familiar with what a quinceanera is I will write a post soon explaining it all) and I think that’s got me all in my feelings. While she is holding my hand tightly, she is running head first, full-force towards 15; towards being a young woman. This makes me feel so proud of her, humbled being along for the ride and a little scared of what the future might bring but I am so excited for her. I can still remember all of the firsts and newness of this time in my own life and I only hope the experience is as exciting and enjoyable for her. Either way, we’ll always be here to help make the transition smooth.

blondienites, 14th birthday party, love letter, 14th birthday, birthday girl, happy birthday

As I sit here listening to Tu Sangre en Mi Cuerpo and looking up pins for the big 15th birthday party (quinceanera) for next year, I’m nostalgic for that sweet baby who smelled like green apples and came into my life and gave it meaning. Let me be embarrassingly honest for a moment, the moment that I held her in my arms, I fell deeper in love than I ever knew possible. I had never felt that kind of love in my life and the closest that came to it was the Big Guy. She and her sister are the culmination of the best thing that ever happened to me.

READ ALSO: Love Letter to my Tween

For Bella’s birthday, we let her choose to spend the day however she wanted to (that’s what we do in our house). We celebrate her party next weekend with family and friends. But yesterday, she wanted brunch, shopping for bikinis, a Disney movie marathon and homemade buffalo wing pizza for dinner. She had exactly what she wanted; a little bit big girl and still a bit of my baby. Culminated, like every year since birth, with her 4:51 pm birth minute kiss.

 

blondienites, 14th birthday party, love letter, 14th birthday, birthday girl, happy birthday

Bella,

One day you will read this, my sweet girl, and I want you to know, I love you more than everything. You are amazing in ways that you don’t even understand but I see the good, kind and caring kind of child you ‘ve always been and the young woman you are growing up to be. Keep being you and living the life you want. We’re always here to get your back and love you, no matter what comes in life. You can do anything you set your heart to. Dream big, baby girl. To the moon and back and forever and ever.

Xoxo

Mama

blondienites, 14th birthday party, love letter, 14th birthday, birthday girl, happy birthday

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Perfect Birthday Celebration Party Like it’s 1997

Yesterday was my birthday and it may have been the perfect birthday celebration. I know I’ve been MIA. I’ve been trying to live in the moments. Life’s been a little hectic, even more than usual if you can believe that.

Every year, I want to have a party and for 10 years, I’ve found some reason not to. Don’t get me wrong my family always does something to mark the occasion. The people I love, never let me forget that they are happy I’m alive and was born into this world. They give me a million reasons to be thankful and I am.

This year, to stick with my theme of overscheduling (which truly is one of my biggest problems), we planned on attending Purdue’s homecoming and the game on Saturday. You see, the Big Guy and I met our senior year at Purdue and this year (today, in fact)is the anniversary of our meeting one another so I thought we needed to go back and celebrate together as just Debi and The Big Guy, not Bella and Gabs’ mommy and daddy. It was like a trip back in time and it was absolutely wonderful despite the 100 degree unseasonably warm weather.

Sunday night, we headed to Indy to see Matchbox Twenty and Counting Crows in concert with our girls. It was nice because this is a tradition we started last year with our girls, an end of the summer outdoor concert. But it was also very special to the Big Guy and I because we saw Matchbox Twenty in concert at Purdue and there is a long, funny story about Counting Crows that I’ll save for another time. The thing is we spent a lot of those early years with Matchbox Twenty as part of the soundtrack to our life together. Again, the heat was nearly unbearable and we were exhausted from the day before (because we are not in our 20’s anymore) but it was magical to be in that moment together and with our girls.

Monday was my actual birthday but I was so freaking tired and the girls stayed home from school, so the annual day date the Big Guy and I usually have on my birthday got tossed out the window and traded instead for a day in our pajamas and watching horror movies on the couch with the Big Guy. I know it sounds boring and I’m probably showing my age but, I didn’t cook or clean or run anyone anywhere on Monday and that was just about as close to perfect as I could get on my birthday.

I needed a reset. I needed time to breathe and just be. This past weekend and week have given me just that. I needed to just be me for a day or two and just have a chance to regain my perspective and refocus on the positive. I think I’ve done that.

So, another year older and hopefully a year wiser. Thank you all so much for your support and love over the past 9 years and for all the amazing birthday wishes. They meant everything to me!

 

 

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Love letter, tween, 12th birthday, birthday, daughter

Every year, I write a love letter to my daughter on their birthday because one day, I hope that she’ll read them and get to know me in a different way. The whole purpose of this blog was to write down not only their milestones but my journey through motherhood. One day when she’s a mother, I hope she might like to read them to get to know us both from a different perspective.

Bella,

I loved you from the moment you were a blip on the ultrasound screen. Actually, I loved you before that. I loved you when you were a + sign on a pregnancy stick. I loved you before I even knew how much I could love you.

My heart filled with with so much love and happiness that I was actually dumbstruck for a moment. I couldn’t believe that this was happening to me. That I was going to get to be your mom. I was terrified, I think that’s normal. I was terrified that I was going to let you down.

Then, I watched you being born and held you in my arms and I knew. I knew that I would spend my whole life committed to loving you unconditionally and being the best mom I could be to you. I realize that is defined differently by everybody but for me, it simply meant raising you to know that you were wanted and loved and to be the best kind of human you could be. I wanted you to be happy.

 

The moment you were born and they lay you on my chest, all warm and gooey, my heart exploded. I was overcome with so much love and happiness that I was simultaneously laughing and crying. I want you to feel that same overwhelming love for your entire life and I promised myself that you would.

Love letter, tween, 12th birthday, birthday, daughter

Now, you are 12-years-old and we are entering that part of adolescence where you are beginning to feel a little unsure of your place in the world; caught someplace between a child and a teen. Your body is changing and the hormones are making you feel unsure of a lot of things but I hope the one thing that you never doubt is my love for you, it is as strong and as fierce as the day you were born. It never wanes.

I can’t believe that I’ve been a mother for a dozen years. It seems like just yesterday that I was holding you in my arms and staring at you in awe. I couldn’t believe that we made you; our miracle. Now, you are almost as tall as I am. Soon, you will be taller than I am but to me, you will always be that tiny, newborn on my chest. That moment forever imprinted on my soul.

I wanted to tell you 12 things about you this year so one day, you can look back and know these things.

1.6th grade is a crazy transition year and, with the exception of Nutcracker season, you have handled it all with grace, dignity and just a little bit of crying, which is to be expected. I am proud of you. All those A’s, Harvard here we come.

 

2. Dancing and Singing. You always dance and sing like no one’s watching. You love the theater and everything about it. You joined the Youth Company at ballet. Your dad wanted dedication and I’d say committing to something 5-days a week plus rehearsals and performances has shown us a level of dedication that humbles us. You go girl. I still can’t believe that you’ve been dancing for 10 years. I still remember buying you your first ballet slippers.

Love letter, tween, 12th birthday, birthday, daughter

 

3.Your smile. They say the eyes are the gateway to the soul but I can look at your mouth and know everything about you. I know your real laugh, when you think nobody is watching and you are 100% pure happy. I know your smiles; the fake one that tells me to take the picture already, your big one that goes all the way up to your eyes when you are excited like when traveling or chocolate are involved, your pursed lip smile when you want to throw your little sister or anyone for that matter out of the window for doing/saying something stupid and, my favorite, the quivering, tiny smile you get whenever you try to lie to me. You’ve had this tell since you were a toddler and I hate to break it to you, you always will. I can read your face like a book; my favorite book in the world.

Love letter, tween, 12th birthday, birthday, daughter

4.Friendship. The way you’ve begun to handle your friendships and controversy. Can I just say that I am so proud of the way you rise above gossip? I love that you have your expectations and you stick to them. You are direct and you don’t let toxic people take up space in your life. I hope that never changes. By the same token, I love the way you love your friends like family. You are a good friend. You once told me when you were 4, that to have a good friend you need to be a good friend and I think you are succeeding at both.

Love letter, tween, 12th birthday, birthday, daughter, Disney

5.Disney, I love the way you still love all the things Disney now just as much as you did when you were a preschooler. Every trip to Disney World with you and your sister is a memory that I’ll cherish forever. And, yes, I will have a Disney princess marathons snuggled up on the sofa together with you any day of the week for as long as you ask. Beauty and the Beast on Thursday!

6.Changes, wow, I know you have gone through a lot of not only mental but physical changes this year. It’s rough being this age because everything seems to be changing at warp speed but we’ve been open and honest and I always will be. I’ve got you. As I always say, everything is a teachable moment and you can talk to me about everything no judgement. Hey and the sex talk ambush on the way to school the day before your birthday wasn’t that bad, was it?

7. Standing up for what’s right. This year, I watched you (and your little sister) become activists. You are no longer bystanders in the world, you have opinions and beliefs and you are willing to vocalize them. You are willing to stand up for what’s right, even when it’s not popular. Thanks for standing in line at the polls with me this year. Never forget, women can do anything.

8. Little kids. You are always super sweet to your little cousins. You have always been a nurturing soul. You are very patient and you look at life with a childlike wonder that allows you to relate to children and animals with a tender and kind heart.

9.Wanderlust. I’ve seen the fire ignite within you. My love of travel and yearning to embrace new cultures and people has rubbed off on you. I love the way you thirst for new experiences and new places. You even volunteered to forgo Christmas for travel. That’s my girl.

10. Self-confidence. You exude self-confidence and nothing could make me happier. I love the way you love your body. You still run around the house in your skivvies. There is no shame or second guessing, there is only loving the skin you are in. I pray that never ends. You live life in a big way. You are bold, you are fierce and you are beautiful in every way. You are kind, giving, smart and funny. You love to laugh but never at another’s expense (well, unless it’s me and the way I say cabinet.)

11. Just like Mommy. Maybe you wouldn’t want this to get out but really, I don’t think you care. I love that you ask me what I’m wearing before we go out and you try to coordinate. At an age when I was expecting to be the person you most wanted to not be like, you seemed to have clung to me for whatever reason. I don’t know why and I don’t question it because, silently, I love it. It makes me feel like you like me (the person) not because you have to but because you choose to. That means everything to me. Thank you for not shutting me out.

12. The unencumbered way that you go through life. Ever since you were a wee little one you have always done what you have wanted. You don’t see limitations. You see challenges and you just go for it because there’s never been a doubt that you can accomplish anything you put your heart to. Never forget that.

These are 12 things about you that I love. There are so many more; too many to list. Happiest of birthdays to my Bellabini! You made me a mommy and I will love you forever.

XOXO
Mommy

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Gabi, birthday, ballet, recital, turning 7, birthday, love letter, love letter to my 7-year-old, love letter to my child

Today, I wrote a love letter to my daughter on her 7th birthday. My Gabi, my last baby turns 7-years-old. She is sort of amazing. I look at her and I can’t believe how much she has changed in 7 short years. She is nowhere near the chubby, 8 pounds 6 ounces, full head of black curly hair baby that I delivered who looked up with those giant big blue eyes and melted my heart. She stopped me in my tracks. That baby girl took my breath away and stole my heart forever. My love for my girls is immeasurable. Every year I try to quantify it for them in some way in a post but it always falls short because how can you express the true meaning of to the moon and back plus infinity with all that I am or will ever be? It’s the kind of all-consuming love that hurts.

READ ALSO: Love Letter to my Five year-old

Today, the tall, waif-thin little girl with scraped knees and long flowing strawberry blonde hair with those same big blue eyes that make my heart happy is constantly changing. The freckles that kiss the tops of her cheeks beg me to kiss them and commit them to memory because at this moment, I know, she is changing, evolving, every single second. I breathe in deep and I inhale this moment, this child that she is right this minute. This same child who runs hot and cold at all times, the one who is so passionate about her convictions that sometimes she gets in her own way. How I adore her verve for life.

This is my love letter for your 7th year.

Gabs,

You came into my world and have been my happiness ever since. Your smiles soothe me, your tears tear me down and your sadness destroys me. Your laughter is contagious and infectious and can heal the world. On this 7th anniversary of the day you were born, my beautiful, amazing girl, I wish you a lifetime of the same wholehearted, all in love that you give to others.

 

Gabi, birthday, ballet, recital, turning 7, birthday, love letter, love letter to my 7-year-old, love letter to my child

You are moody and broody and artistic and funny and vibrant and in total living Technicolor. You are a rainbow and a unicorn and all that the world has to offer that is good. You are shy and that scares me because the thought of you feeling unsure breaks my heart because I can’t fix this for you. But I am here, for today and for always, to hold your hand, to wipe away the tears and yes, to kick anyone’s ass my mama bear heart needs to. You drive me crazy with your independence when it’s in direct opposition to my plan but, inside, I am so proud of you for standing your ground.

READ ALSO: Love Letter to My Tween

I love that you stick up for what you believe in and for the underdog. I love your stubbornness and your follow through. I love that your heart compels you to get involved when you see a homeless person, sick person or a sad child. I love you for being exactly who you are and I would never change a thing about that. You are the perfect you in every way.

 

Gabi, birthday, ballet, recital, turning 7, birthday, love letter, love letter to my 7-year-old, love letter to my child

 

I celebrate you and all that you have become today and I celebrate the day that I met one of the most amazing people that I’ve ever known. I wish you a lifetime of love and acceptance of yourself, I want you to see and love yourself the way I see you; perfect, just the way you are.

 

Gabi, birthday, ballet, recital, turning 7, birthday, love letter, love letter to my 7-year-old, love letter to my child

Happiest 7th Birthday, my sweet baby girl, with the giant heart. Mommy loves you to the moon and back plus infinity and beyond. Oops, gotta go kiss someone, it’s her birth minute.

XOXO

When was the last time you wrote a real, handwritten love letter?

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birthday, 6th birthday, Gabi

birthdayIt’s been a weeks since my baby girl turned 6. It’s been a crazy, crazy week that is the end to the craziest month in our household. We are all exhausted and run down and have the stomach bug to prove it.

Over the weekend, we had Gabi’s birthday party. She had about 15 friends come to her party and about 25 family members. She was surrounded by love. Finally, our new house felt like home.

birthday1

The Big Guy set up the bouncy house and the girls shared their new clubhouse with all of their little friends. My brothers and sisters sat around catching up as all of our children played together in my backyard. These moments are so few and far between these days. I cherish each one.

birthday , 6th birthday, gabi's birthday

Then I see Gabi; tall, thin and waif like looking more and more like a big kid than a little one striding across the backyard. Blushing because the little boy she has a “crush” on is at her party and her Godfather, my brother, asking him 20 questions. She still has all of her baby teeth and that giant baby teeth smile lets me know how very content she is.

gabi's birthday, birthday, 6th birthday

Long gone are the dark black curly ringlets she was born with, in their place is long straight blonde hair pulled back with flowers. Her big blue eyes taking it all in, just like they did on the day she was born. She was so alert. Each freckle on her face that kisses her nose and cheeks appear to me more beautiful than the last. She is graceful and quirky and funny and possesses the kind of innocence that you wish they’d never lose but you know all too soon, reality will find its way in.

I glance across my yard and hear the laughter that fills the air and I am happy. It reminds me of my own 34th birthday when I announced to my brothers and sisters that I was pregnant with Gabi. There was a lot of celebrating that night. My Gabi has brought joy to our hearts since the minute we knew she existed and that has never changed.

birthday3

The day was filled with family, friends, cake and gifts; everything a 6-year-old could wish for. For me, it was filled with love; the big, crazy kind that overwhelms you and leaves you breathless. The kind of love that makes your heart beat fast and wishing you could freeze the moment in time.

birthday4

To celebrate my Gabi’s birthday I want to give your child a beautiful and endearing, personalized bedtime story, Owl Always Love You *insert your child’s name here**.

birthday, Owl ALways Love you

Award-winning flattenme just hatched their latest personalized book – OWL Always Love You. There’s no better way to lull your little one to sleep than with a soothing story and a reminder of mom and dad’s love. Owl Always Love You is the perfect signoff for dreamland.

Unlike traditional bedtime tales, the Owl Always Love You personalized storybook makes your child the star of the story by repeating his name in the narrative. Your little one will be drawn in by the beautiful illustrations of fuzzy (and sometimes silly) owls settling down for a good night’s sleep, and he’ll love the ethereal images of soaring kites and starlit skies. Cuddly owls, fluffy lambs, and friendly cows dazzle the pages in this very special book. Complementing the visual delight is a sonorous and soothing rhyming verse, chalk full of reminders of mom and dad’s love.

Believe me, your child will love hearing her own name repeated throughout the book. We got a book for both girls and they both giggle and snuggle in deeper, every single time their name is read aloud in the story.

To enter to win a copy of Owl Always Love You, for your own child, all you have to do is leave a comment below telling me what your favorite bedtime story to read to your child is (include your email address that you use to subscribe so I can contact you if you win) and mandatory entry ***subscribe to The TRUTH about Motherhood! *** It is that simple. Contest open residents of the U.S. and Canada. Contest ends Monday, June 3, 2013 at 11:59 p.m. EST.

Disclaimer: I was provided copies of Owl Always Love You by flattenme for free to review but all opinions are my own and we adore this sweet little bedtime story and so will your child.

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Celebrating Six in the Wake of Disaster

Gabi, birthday, Oklahoma, tornadoIt feels weird to be celebrating in light of the terrible Oklahoma tornado tragedy. I feel guilty. How can I be happy and celebrating my child’s birthday when so many mothers  will never get to celebrate another birthday with their child? But how can I not, today more than ever. My heart is full of gratitude for all that I have. This month especially, I cling to my blessings.

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birthday , birthday party ideas, harlem shake

birthday, harlem shake,birthday partyRemember the song, What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong? That has been my song to my Bella since before she was born. I used to sway back and forth in her nursery with my giant belly; singing softly to myself alone (not really alone, as no one ever is when they are pregnant) away from everyone we knew while the Big Guy was at work. The anticipation of meeting my first child was surreal, exciting and strange. Pregnancy for me was like an out of body experience but singing that song, as the sunshine softly kissed my baby belly through her nursery window, I was overcome with serenity and peace.

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Seven, birthday,kids birthday

Seven~ Saturday, my first baby turned seven years old. I know that I have been blessed to be her mother for 7 years. When I look at her face, I still see that beautiful little piece of perfection that I first held in my arms. That warm little bundle, who they placed on my chest. Our eyes met as I held her in my arms and I was more in love than I had ever been in my entire life.  I’d never known love like this til I held her in my arms. I feel blessed every single day that I get to be her Mother.

seven, lucky number seven

Before Seven, there was Day 1

For my girls, I can do anything. For them, I would do everything. My daughters are my inspiration. My daughter makes me a better person. I watch her grow from baby, to toddler, to child and with every year that she matures, I get to know her better and I love her even more. I see her forming thoughts and opinions, hopes and dreams and I am so proud of her.

I remember her first step, her first word, the first time she fell down and got hurt. Every freckle and scar is committed to memory. Every hurt, happiness and giggle has a special place in my heart. I remember that she was God’s gift to me when I was “planning to plan” to have a baby. My Ella is my first miracle.

seven, lucky number seven

Before Seven, there was a playful toddler

Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I am impatient and I forget that every moment with her in my life is a precious gift. It’s easy to get caught up in the day to day and see your miracles as ordinary but every year on her birthday, I am reminded that she is my miracle. She is extraordinary and I am lucky.

lucky number seven

Before Seven, there was a fun loving Preschooler

She is a beautiful, warm, sweet, smart, funny, robust personality with an old soul. She is more than any mother could ever ask for and I need to tell her that more often because time passes fast and before I know it, seven will be seventeen. In the blink of an eye, the sweet newborn has become seven and my life enriched exponentially, my heart fuller than I could ever have imagined and my dreams all realized in those deep blue eyes.

Seven, birthday,kids birthday

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear;)

I love you, sweet Ella. You will forever be my baby, even though you are quickly outgrowing my lap. You will always be my heart and the tiny miracle who made me into a mother. Happiest of birthdays, my precious one. May year seven be even more glorious that the first six with you.

XOXO, Mommy

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I’ll Love You FOURever

This past weekend was a little difficult for me emotionally;Gabs turned 4. My baby turned 4! I don’t know if it had anything to do with having a house full of family visiting. I really didn’t get to spend any alone time with the Big Guy.My brother came in that I haven’t seen since Thanksgiving. My dad caught a red eye in from Mexico just to sing happy birthday to my baby, because every single time he called from Mexico in the past 6 months has told him “You better be at my Berday to sing happy berday Grandpa Manny”. Or maybe it’s the fact that we just got the news that my dad’s mom has pancreatic cancer and has 6 months to live.Maybe it was a raging case of PMS. Maybe it was that my middle sister couldn’t make it. Maybe it was that my baby brother was moving out of my parent’s house and my Mom was so heart broken that her baby was growing up..and I could relate. Maybe it was that my baby sister is pregnant and my baby is turning 4. Maybe it’s that the time together was just a reminder of how bad the time apart is.Maybe it was that the end of the school year is near and we will be moving..life will be changing. Maybe it was because my 4 year old kissed my 6 year old’s best friend, who’s a boy. I just feel like life is going by too quickly.

There’s no time to enjoy it, like I thought I would be when I was at this point in my life. Life is flying by at a dizzying pace. Babies are being born, children are growing up, people are growing apart, people are getting married, people are dying and I feel like opportunities are being missed. Opportunities to be together, to enjoy the living. I feel like I should be taking more pictures and video, spending more time playing at the parks, packing picnics for the day, enjoying the laughter of the littles, patiently listening to stories that take longer than necessary, jumping in puddles, more time cuddling and reveling in the love.Playing in the sun, singing at the top of our lungs, spinning round dancing to the music of our hearts. I feel guilty for losing sight of what is REALLY important…the fleeting moments of bliss and newness of every new perception to be seen through the eyes of my girls. Basking in the glory of a new word or sound, or the glory that is the smile of my daughters.

Gabs turning four was just a painful reminder that the past 2 years( half of her life) have been spent in a life holding pattern. It’s like putting a band aid on a slashed carotid artery. I am feeling this horrible guilt of cheating them out of their father; of only having half a family. The Big Guy is such a wonderful husband and father. I stayed behind to try and keep some semblance of normalcy for my girls; their house, their school, their friends, their life but what if all I did was keep them from their Daddy? Keep us from being whole. What if I should have ripped the band aid off a long time ago? What if when we are in the same place, I realize I’ve irreversibly damaged their relationship with their Daddy? What if I AM a bad mom? The thought of it is sickening to me.

I think it’s a combination of fear of change and letting go. We celebrated and Gabi had a wonderful birthday. She is such an amazing little girl. She is beautiful in ways that I can’t even put into words. She has the biggest heart and her smile lights up my world. She makes me want to be a better person. Her giggle can turn the worst day of my life into sunshine and rainbows. But her sadness at missing her Daddy, breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces. I look at her and I see this gorgeous little girl, with big blue eyes and a mane of hair always asking for forgiveness and never permission. She speaks her mind, she is brave and wonderful in so many ways. There is so much possibility in her eyes. I am so proud of the child she is becoming but I still get a little nostalgic for that little chubby baby with the dark black ringlets of curls and those same big blue eyes looking up at me as if I were the entire world back before all the separation and distance happened in our world. I just hope that I haven’t let her down.

Gabi, you are my sunshine and I hope that I can make up the last two years of a holding pattern with a lifetime of happiness and love. Just don’t grow up too fast. No more kissing little boys thank you for gifts, even if it was a trained reaction to kiss people and tell them thank you for your gift…not little boys. Let’s enjoy the living part of life and experience it together.We’ll be with Daddy soon.I promise. Mommy and Daddy love you….
I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
As long as I’m living my baby you’ll be


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Yes, this would be Bella's best friend and Gabi's first accidental kiss.No wonder this kid's smiling so hard.

 

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