This past weekend was a little difficult for me emotionally;Gabs turned 4. My baby turned 4! I don’t know if it had anything to do with having a house full of family visiting. I really didn’t get to spend any alone time with the Big Guy.My brother came in that I haven’t seen since Thanksgiving. My dad caught a red eye in from Mexico just to sing happy birthday to my baby, because every single time he called from Mexico in the past 6 months has told him “You better be at my Berday to sing happy berday Grandpa Manny”. Or maybe it’s the fact that we just got the news that my dad’s mom has pancreatic cancer and has 6 months to live.Maybe it was a raging case of PMS. Maybe it was that my middle sister couldn’t make it. Maybe it was that my baby brother was moving out of my parent’s house and my Mom was so heart broken that her baby was growing up..and I could relate. Maybe it was that my baby sister is pregnant and my baby is turning 4. Maybe it’s that the time together was just a reminder of how bad the time apart is.Maybe it was that the end of the school year is near and we will be moving..life will be changing. Maybe it was because my 4 year old kissed my 6 year old’s best friend, who’s a boy. I just feel like life is going by too quickly.
There’s no time to enjoy it, like I thought I would be when I was at this point in my life. Life is flying by at a dizzying pace. Babies are being born, children are growing up, people are growing apart, people are getting married, people are dying and I feel like opportunities are being missed. Opportunities to be together, to enjoy the living. I feel like I should be taking more pictures and video, spending more time playing at the parks, packing picnics for the day, enjoying the laughter of the littles, patiently listening to stories that take longer than necessary, jumping in puddles, more time cuddling and reveling in the love.Playing in the sun, singing at the top of our lungs, spinning round dancing to the music of our hearts. I feel guilty for losing sight of what is REALLY important…the fleeting moments of bliss and newness of every new perception to be seen through the eyes of my girls. Basking in the glory of a new word or sound, or the glory that is the smile of my daughters.
Gabs turning four was just a painful reminder that the past 2 years( half of her life) have been spent in a life holding pattern. It’s like putting a band aid on a slashed carotid artery. I am feeling this horrible guilt of cheating them out of their father; of only having half a family. The Big Guy is such a wonderful husband and father. I stayed behind to try and keep some semblance of normalcy for my girls; their house, their school, their friends, their life but what if all I did was keep them from their Daddy? Keep us from being whole. What if I should have ripped the band aid off a long time ago? What if when we are in the same place, I realize I’ve irreversibly damaged their relationship with their Daddy? What if I AM a bad mom? The thought of it is sickening to me.
I think it’s a combination of fear of change and letting go. We celebrated and Gabi had a wonderful birthday. She is such an amazing little girl. She is beautiful in ways that I can’t even put into words. She has the biggest heart and her smile lights up my world. She makes me want to be a better person. Her giggle can turn the worst day of my life into sunshine and rainbows. But her sadness at missing her Daddy, breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces. I look at her and I see this gorgeous little girl, with big blue eyes and a mane of hair always asking for forgiveness and never permission. She speaks her mind, she is brave and wonderful in so many ways. There is so much possibility in her eyes. I am so proud of the child she is becoming but I still get a little nostalgic for that little chubby baby with the dark black ringlets of curls and those same big blue eyes looking up at me as if I were the entire world back before all the separation and distance happened in our world. I just hope that I haven’t let her down.
Gabi, you are my sunshine and I hope that I can make up the last two years of a holding pattern with a lifetime of happiness and love. Just don’t grow up too fast. No more kissing little boys thank you for gifts, even if it was a trained reaction to kiss people and tell them thank you for your gift…not little boys. Let’s enjoy the living part of life and experience it together.We’ll be with Daddy soon.I promise. Mommy and Daddy love you….
I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
As long as I’m living my baby you’ll be
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