I mean, we’ve all had the wax burn, accidental over wax of the eyebrows and many of us have looked at that damn hairy strip of cloth and thought for one small second, Really? Why am I doing this? I am married to a man whose back is harrier than my head, occasionally farts when he sleeps and OMG, the man cold. But still, we do it because who the hell wants their partner to think they are gross, plus I don’t want to be hairy. Like I’ve told my girls since they were born, beauty is pain. I want to prepare them for when they are 13 and I want to pluck rogue eyebrows or dark lip hairs. Thankfully they are blonde so hopefully they won’t share in my unsightly five o’clock shadow lip quandary.
Ok, since I am running late..always and can not find the time to spare to take care of myself, in the way in which I am accustom to, I have had to resort to some home remedies. Ok, Moms you know what I am talking about. The Pedegg, home manicures, pedicures, home dye jobs, and even home waxing. God Bless you Nads!
It seems my Pedro has been getting quite out of control…upstairs girls not downstairs. We’ve had the fu manchu mishap, it’s been hardwoods ever since. I am referring to my ever so slightly hairy monkey lip that I so lovingly refer to as my womanstache! OK, so you say you’ve never seen me with this atrocity. Of course not, silly girl. I don’t go in public when the fuzz is a showin. Well, not usually, anyways. It’s just one of my many blessings of being a Latina woman, come on my Greek and Italian girlfriends..you feel me, right? No way we get to have all that flowing hair and curves and not get a sin tax in the form of waxing. Beauty is pain, people.
Anyways, this morning, I hit my hairy monkey threshold. Pedro had to be dealt with. I go to the bathroom to do “the deed”. Waxing. What were you thinking? Oh how I hate being the one to do it. I flinch and sometimes I almost don’t want to pull the strip. I always flash back to the 40 Year Old Virgin..yeah, that’s what my lip feels like when I do it myself. I think its mostly mental, but whatever it is…it hurts.
This morning my 2 and 5-year-old follow me into the bathroom, big surprise. What you think I’ve peed alone in the past 5 years? Nope, I’m just like you. I live under the watchful eyes of voyeuristic little people. They’ve seen me get waxed at the salon, as they are always with me. There is not much I can hide from them. Mommy’s special “Bandaids” for her “monthly vagina booboos”, phantom farts ( because I swear, IT WAS THE DOG) and even my uneven breasts which, I might add my 2-year-old is very disappointed in what gravity and breastfeeding have done to them.We are a very transparent family so if the poor dears have inherited my hairy chihuahua gene they should know what they have to look forward to.
Anyways, my 5-year-old, she is asking all the right waxing questions. How does that work? Does that go on your face? Doesn’t that hurt? Smart cookie. I get into gotta do it mode, put that lovely little wax strip on my face ( I forgot the desensitizing wipe because of the fear and trepidation of pulling the strip..it must be how a soldier feels right before pulling the pin in a grenade). ** I mean no disrespect to soldiers, I know it’s much more frightening handling a live grenade than it is a hairy lip but for me, it’s pretty traumatic.
I glance over at my girls, they both have their hands over their ears like the damn hear no evil monkeys. I’m not sure if its because they are afraid that I am going to scream in pain and anguish or in anticipation of ear muffs due to the obscenities that may accompany such pain. I chuckle. Of course, I chuckle. It’s hilarious that my kids know me so well.
In unison, as I muster the courage to pull the strip, I hear..”Hey! Ho! Let’s Go…to the waxing show!”
My little boogers..I cracked up so hard, I nearly ripped my nose off! Thanks Rock Band. As of late, my 2 year old can put anything to the tune of Blitzkrieg Bop by the Ramones! I am so proud.
Hope my nose grows back.
What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve had to do in front of your kids?