It seems for some reason, the same crazy notion that makes people think they have an unspoken carte blanche permission to rub our Mommy bellies when we are pregnant segues into being allowed to judge our every thought and action after we become a parent. It doesn’t matter who we are or what we do, we are at the mercy of other people’s judgement almost always. Sometimes that judgement becomes too much and we need to step back and regroup. I’ve felt this pressure heavier than usual lately, or perhaps it’s just settling on my heart a little more, either way I need some catharsis. I need an outlet for the stress. I needed a little Depakote for my Mommy soul. I came up with this, I’ve decided to write an open letter to my assailants and I must say I found it highly cathartic.
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Dear You ( you know who you are),
This conversation has been a long time coming. Your condescension, flippant attitude and the demeaning way you talk to me makes me want to stick you in the eyeballs with a dull, rusty object. Yes, both..that’s how much you annoy me. Polite society says that I need to be nice to you. That I need to smile, say please and thank you and may I have another but I don’t want to. I want to scream at the top of my lungs for you to shut the fuck up and get out of my way. I want to pull you by the hair and punch you in the face. I realize this is not the ladylike behavior one would come to expect from a grown woman, no matter how foul mouthed, lazy or unfit for the task that she may be accused of being.
I thought perhaps that I should seek some medical attention, a little prescription perspective but then I realized I don’t want to botox my emotions. Why should I have to take precaution when you are the one with the issue? I can’t say this to your face for many, many reasons but I won’t utter it beneath my breath or behind your back either. That’s just not how I roll. You know my heart. You can see through the plastered polite smile. You KNOW what wrongs you’ve done.
This is my scream into the pillow before my head explodes. This letter is saving us both a lot of aggravation and uncomfortable conversations. I have to say that I am exhausted from all the giving and feeling quite battered from all the taking you have done. Piece by piece, you’ve chipped away at my soul and my spirit. But I’m still here, bursting with will and navigating my way. You criticize but I am loving my littles and pushing forward.
I do my best to be my best but it never seems good enough for you. I’ve come to realize, though not less painful, that you are the one with the problem. Your shortcomings have cheated me, not the other way around. I have done the best I can with what I have. I am sorry I am not what you expected or wanted but again, this is your issue. I hope someday you realize just exactly what a disappointment you have been to others with your judging eyes and condescending nods. I smile my polite smile and power through the pain for I am stronger than you have ever given me credit for being.
You’ve cheated yourself. I’m better than you deserve and more than you could have hoped for. I’m tired of giving and that damn polite smile is about to give way to an honesty so brutal that you will be forced to look yourself in the mirror and know that monster that you really are. I hope this has made you happy, making everyone else miserable. I hope the satisfaction of being condescending can make up for the lack of genuine love and respect that anyone has for you. Always remember, you get what you give in this life and you, my dear, have given nothing but pain and aggravation.