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Coitus Interrruptus

by Deborah Cruz

Big Guy:” The Kids asleep?”
Me: “Yeah, we better hurry.  You know they’ll be waking up soon for… something….anything”
Big Guy: “OK. where do you want to do this?The kids are in our bed right? How about the living room?”
Me:”No way, we’re too exposed. We’d be right out in the open.”
Big Guy:” How about Bella’s room?”
Me: “NO, that’s right across from our room..they’d walk in and there we’d be. It’s too easy to get caught!”
Big Guy: “What about Gabs room? They’d have to make a turn, we’d have a warning!”
Me: “Sounds good, but not in the bed..that would be gross!”
Big Guy:” OK, so we got about 10 minutes on Gabs’ bedroom floor?”
Big Guy:” GO!”

Sound familiar? I know I am not the only one with co-sleepers, or small children in general. This was NOT in the baby handbook! How people have more than 2 kids, I will never know. It must be pure unadulterated dumb luck. I know how we go the first one, we were alone, we were married, we lived in Tennessee and nothing was on TV so we got a lot of practice entertaining ourselves!  Then we went on a romantic getaway with nothing to do but linger in each others arms. BAM! There ya go! But number 2, that baby was conceived on a Labor Day afternoon while a baby napped, Daddy had the day off, and Mommy was feeling frisky. Now, fast forward to 3 years later..there is no way that we could conceive another one. Love making has been reduced to an Olympic qualifying sport.It’s all about being very strategic and very fast, rushed and quiet (Sush, you’ll wake the girls).There’s no falling into it, no looking longingly into each others eyes with that hungry look. We still have those hungry looks but now its usually a hunger for sleep.

We’ve never really been busted, probably because we are like merry minstrels roaming from room to room to find a spot to engage in the occasional coitus. Making matters worse, now he is always out of town for business so that leaves me with only 3 nights and 3 days of potential love making to choose from.  So, if I say I’m too tired or I’ve got a headache, I have to think carefully because the opportunity may not present itself again until the following week.(Yes, a whole week more)Who are we kidding, you can’t make “love” in that sliver of time we are allotted after our kids fall asleep and before the first time they wake up for water, the potty, nightmares, what have you.Let’s call it what it is, we are making a quickie and sometimes we can’t even get through that before someone wakes up and calls out. Nothing like being almost there, and having to go soothe a cryer back to sleep. That will dry you up quicker than a shot of Sudaphed.Don’t worry Daddies, I’m pretty sure it can shrivel your junk up too, within a matter of seconds. Thank God its the quality and not the quantity that counts. Quality is fantastic, quantity, well, we need to clear up some scheduling conflicts…like children running a muck and working out of town! I never understood what the hell all this “I have a headache” stuff was about. Then I had kids and I realized, the headache of which they speak is the headache it is to try and choreograph “Special” time with your partner.

Sometimes, you just need a back rub and that’s it. It’s not code for anything but I’m tired and my damn back hurts from chasing and lugging kids all day. Can you help a Mama out and just rub my back? But we can’t even get through that without someone waking up, calling out, or creeping up on us.I have been busted getting a late night massage in front of the fire place, thank God it hadn’t evolved any further. That’s why I know the living room is too exposed.  I have a friend who told me that her and her husband used to rendezvous in their closet for “special” time, away from the prying ears of their teenagers. My closet just isn’t big enough for those kind of escapades. Her and her husband are both on the smaller side. My husband is a giant and I’m life size not fun sized, so there’s no way that could happen in my house. Plus with all that clean laundry that’s hiding out in my closet floor, there’s no room left for love making…unless the big guy wants to hump my clean nighties that are in desperate need of being put away. He never sees them on anymore, so I am sure one look at them and he’d be done.

How do you coordinate special time? Dose the kiddies with Benadryl? Lock the doors and turn out the lights and pretend no ones home? During nap time? Where do you have to hide to get your groove on? I need suggestions, I am running out of  rooms that are safe. I was thinking about the basement but then I’d die if one of the kids woke up, came looking for us, and fell down the stairs. Oh, the joys of Motherhood! Happy Parenting!

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Erin Wallace 2010/06/23 - 12:19 am

So here's the deal – we have a teenager that doesn't go to bed until around 1 a.m. Our three year old also SLEEPS WITH US (don't make me explain, it's too long and tragic a story). So we have to either sneak around during the day for quickies or wait until the dead of night when the toddler is dead asleep and be very still and very quiet (which has its benefits). The bathroom is utilized a lot, too. So that's how it goes round here.

xo Erin

Mrs. Mother 2010/06/23 - 12:48 am

It doesn't happen a whole lot around here lately. My husband has an off schedule, we have a seven month old and a very demanding, very needy seven year old who never sleeps.

We've never been caught either. Since I'm a SAHM and student, I'm home every day during the day, and my husband has Mondays off. When Tessa was at school, we utilized that time during Ella's naps.

And, I have said that lately, getting to go pee by myself without anyone interrupting is better than sex any day of the week, lol.

Sarah 2010/06/23 - 6:58 am

My kids are pretty well trained. When I put them to bed, they stay there. Awake or not. It's a pain in the butt when the oldest (4) wakes up for a night time pee. She won't get out of bed unless I escort her the three inches from one door to the next.
I also don't answer minor whining. If it's full blown wailing, I respond. It has to be doom and destruction though.
There was one time I did hear little feet running when I walked out of my room post fun-time. For the next month Amanda pointed to my room and cried about a monster in mommy & daddys room.ummm…
The kids door knobs were promptly flipped around and locked from the outside as needed. I really don't want to explain why mommy was screaming to my kids.
Also, My room is off limits to kids. Period. No exceptions.

Jennifer Juniper 2010/06/23 - 8:49 am

My. Hubby works nights, so we're on opposing schedule which makes timing a little difficult. But for the most part we lock the bedroom door for funtime – the kids aren't allowed to come in without knocking, even when everyone's clothed.
We have found that early morning playtime works out well & it makes the whole day very nice.

Laina 2010/06/23 - 11:55 am

umm, either while Becca is napping or at 8pm right when she goes to bed. She still sleeps in the crib and can't get out yet, so no fear of her walking in on us. Won't be too long till we have to worry about that.

Nikki 2010/06/23 - 9:36 pm

I hate that it sometimes feels like a chore. I miss those days too where it was more canoodling before hand and less "ok, take off your pants so we can hurry and go to sleep"! Not romantic anymore!
I need to make more of an effort to try to be "romantic" and bring back the brown chicken brown cow like it used to be!!!

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip 2010/06/24 - 2:18 pm

Big Guy:" OK, so we got about 10 minutes on Gabs' bedroom floor?"
Big Guy:" GO!"

Yep. That pretty much says it all. Our kids sleep with us, so we have to get pretty creative. And I'm tired. A lot. But I agree with you on quality over quantity. We have to be realistic with ourselves. Great post. And very truthful! I love that.

Becky 2010/06/24 - 10:06 pm

LOL LOL LOL. I feel your pain mama.

Julia 2010/06/24 - 10:38 pm

Oh my goodness, this post was hilarious! My almost 2 year old still sleeps with us and I also have an 11 and 12 year old so I know all too well how you feel.. hehe. Thanks so much for stopping by my blog and following… I am following you back 🙂 Have a great weekend!


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