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5 Things You Need to Know Before You Have a Baby

by Deborah Cruz

Today, I have the pleasure of having Naomi of Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip~ Naomi is AWESOME. She is a hilariously snarkilicious, salsa diva with a brilliant ability to laugh at the every day situations. You know those situations that make us want to cry? Not Naomi, she can turn that frown upside down and find the funny in it. There is so much to love about her and her blog that the list would be shorter to list what I don’t like. I don’t like that she doesn’t get to post as often as I’d like, instead she leaves me with baited breath waiting for my daily dose of funny.She’s a bloggy sadomasochist that way.  She can be found at SheKnows, at her her blog and on Twitter. She is amazing. I don’t mean that in the smoke up your ass, I love everybody way. I mean she is really freaking amazing.I heart her hardcore and I know you will too. Not only is she sweet and funny, she has a heart as big as Texas! Thank you for sharing your truths about motherhood.

5 Things You Need to Know Before You Have a Baby

If you’ve been getting your pregnancy 411 from the average parenting magazine, you will probably think you are ready to have a baby if you:

  • Have a nursery set up
  • Have purchased or received everything on your baby registry list down to the butt wipe warmer, the video surveillance baby monitor and the penis protector
  • Have a couple of good, sturdy nursing bras and some comfy yoga pants

Unfortunately, you are still missing out on a few pieces of critical information.

  1. Your baby doesn’t give two tidlywinks about whether the walls in his nursery are lemon yellow or tangerine orange. And if you are me, your baby will end up sleeping in your bedroom until he’s six years old anyway. So do yourself a favor, shove the crib in the corner of your bedroom and make yourself a nice Mom Cave instead. Or a swanky pimped-out laundry room with a large screen TV, comfy chairs, a chocolate fondue machine (for extra energy) and lots of shelving. Trust me. You’ll appreciate it a few months from now when you are face-to-face with the 250 loads of laundry you will now be doing each day for the next 18 years.
  2. Fifty percent of the crap that you think you need before you have a baby is useless. I know. I bought all of it. And then some. For example, while in theory the penis protector is a nice idea (because who wants to get squirted in the face while changing a baby?), in reality there is really nothing you can do to stop the onslaught of biohazard you are going to be exposed to over the next decade or so. If you really want to get something to protect yourself, I recommend an industrial strength biohazard suit with matching gas mask. (They make great baby shower gifts, too!)
  3. Take note. If you plan to nurse, wait until after the baby is born to buy your nursing bras. Though you may already feel like you resemble Dolly Parton thanks to pregnancy hormones, what you don’t realize is that your hooters may in fact quadruple in size the moment the baby was born. Take it from me. Wait until after the baby is born to get yourself fitted for a nursing bra. Otherwise you will spend $50 on a bra that is more likely to fit a Polly Pocket than you.
  4. On the other hand, the purchase of yoga pants is a wise investment. While it is true that some moms (think Kourtney Kardashian and Gwyneth Paltrow) manage to make it through the newborn stage still wearing makeup, flirty tunics and skinny jeans, the rest of us are happy if we make it out of our pjs most days.
  5. No amount of physical preparation for your baby’s arrival is going to prepare you for the psychological upheaval you will experience post-mommyhood. Becoming a mother changes you so completely that certain things that once seemed so important become completely irrelevant (for example…going out dancing all night long, getting a manicure, eating in nice restaurants, eating in restaurants at all, eating while sitting down, daily showers, deodorant, ironing one’s clothes, wearing high heels, wearing make-up, wearing anything but stained sweat pants…the list goes on.) Never in my wildest dreams did I expect I would find myself several years into motherhood, wearing mismatched house slippers and a T-shirt covered in peanut butter, shouting loudly through the grocery store, “Please do not wipe your nose on that lady’s purse” and “The pineapple display is not your personal jungle gym” and “Stop strangling your brother with that jump rope.” On the other hand, neither did I expect this little drooling ball of giggles and biohazard to revolutionize my life so much. Because even if no longer have the energy to scrape the peanut butter and poop off myself most nights before I fall into bed, I never imagined that cuddling up to a blanket stealing, kidney-kicking, , bed-hogging toddler would feel this good.

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JDaniel4's Mom 2011/05/23 - 7:42 am

I consigned so many things I thought I needed in their orginal packages.

Great tips!

Coolwhipmom 2011/05/23 - 7:48 am

I wish I was smart enough to do that! Thanks for the visit!! xoxox

Leighann 2011/05/23 - 8:00 am

Where were you when I was reading “what to expect”

Coolwhipmom 2011/05/23 - 9:07 am

Yeah, I found that book totally unreasonable. Also, I think they recommended eating like 18 bushels of kale every day and I just about blew out my colon trying to do that.

BalancingMama (Julie) 2011/05/23 - 8:41 am

Brilliant! Sometimes the truth is hilarious.

Coolwhipmom 2011/05/23 - 9:07 am

Thanks so much!! xoxoxox

Coolwhipmom 2011/05/23 - 9:08 am

Thanks so much, Julie!

mama_pez 2011/05/23 - 1:56 pm

Awesome! Preparation is all about knowing reality – and then being slapped upside the head with it once you realize it won’t be different for you!

Coolwhipmom 2011/05/23 - 2:13 pm

Bwaahahaaha. So true. So true! Thanks for stopping by, sweetie!

Mommy Nani Booboo 2011/05/23 - 3:02 pm

Well, I’m glad I’m not the only one who might’ve worn mismatched house slippers to the grocery store.

It’s true- I never realized how far to the side personal grooming would get pushed after having a baby. I can’t believe I’m getting ready to do it all over again!

Coolwhipmom 2011/05/23 - 3:29 pm

I think I love you. We should hang out sometime. In our mismatched house slippers. Mwah!

Jennifer Probst 2011/05/23 - 7:05 pm

Completely AWESOME post with all the truthful things instead of the textbook stuff that’s not right. Loved it!

Coolwhipmom 2011/05/23 - 7:34 pm

Thanks, Jennifer!! I’m delighted to meet you and look forward to checking out your blog too!

Poppy 2011/05/23 - 10:26 pm

Seriously a penis protector? My son was my 3rd kid so I stopped buying useless crap after I had my first kid. The only thing on my registry after #1 was condoms and coffee.

I totally agree with the intro, love you Naomi and happy to follow you around the interwebs wherever you land 🙂

Coolwhipmom 2011/05/23 - 11:11 pm

Condoms and coffee. ROFL. Oh how I wish I knew you before I had kids, Poppy! You are awesomeness incarnate! Love you!

Monster Likes #20 | Mommy of a Monster & Twins 2011/05/28 - 9:45 am

[…] another favorite of mine – Debi’s The Truth About Motherhood. Her post was all about 5 things you need to know before you have a baby – they’re spot on and […]

Nolie 2011/05/29 - 1:41 am

So true that they won’t use half the crap. For me it wasn’t crap. It was clothing. I had to buy every cute outfit I saw. I ended up getting rid of over half of it with tags still on. This time around I am buying minimal.

Shell 2011/05/29 - 11:14 pm

Hmmm, I wonder if it’s too late for me to make a mom cave. That is GENIUS!

Yuliya 2011/05/30 - 2:17 pm

How did I miss this? Fantastic Naomi as usual 🙂


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