All I Can Do is Cry

Cry, miscarriage, loss

All I can do is cry

Cry~ I want to scream but I can’t. I can barely think. All I can do is cry.

This unexpected blessing that shocked me when I first saw the two lines, this baby that I didn’t deserve is now gone.

I can’t breathe. I can’t think. All I can do is cry.

I went in this morning because I was spotting; no cramps, no heavy bleeding; nothing. I expected everything to be ok. It wasn’t. It isn’t. I don’t know if it ever will be again.

I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. All I can do is cry.

We had only told a very few people, not even our little girls who have been begging for a baby brother or sister.

I’m always afraid. Always afraid that I’ll say something too soon and something bad will happen.

My sister lost a baby at 9 weeks. I am 10 weeks and 4 days, I thought I was safe. I wasn’t.

The ultrasound showed 9 weeks and 2 days. That’s when our baby died.

I can’t speak. I can’t be. All I can do is cry.

It feels like all the wind has been knocked out of me. I feel numb. I want to crawl up inside myself and be still and never move again.

I can’t bear the thought of people looking at me with pity. The thought of people trying to talk or understand my pain away weighs on me like an anchor around my neck.

Just let me be. Let me feel this enormous loss.

My baby was a promise for something better. The promise has been broken and I feel empty. I feel betrayed and let down by life.

I can’t talk. I can’t breathe. All I can do is cry.

While you are reading this, I will be at the hospital having a D & E because the thought of walking around with my dead baby inside me while waiting for it to pass on its own is too much to bear right now.

I appreciate your love, prayers and support and I was hoping to be sharing with you our pregnancy this month, instead I’m sharing my loss. It’s the only way I know how to move through my pain…to write it down.

I believe that there is reason for everything and that God has a divine plan for us all, but right now, today my heart is breaking and I feel like my body has completely failed me.

All I can do is cry.

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108 Comments

  1. Jennifer Cullen  /  2012/05/01, 6:17 am Reply

    My heart hurts for you and your husband. I’m so sorry.
    Jennifer Cullen recently posted..The Divorce Decision

    • Deborah Cruz  /  2012/06/14, 6:21 am Reply

      I know this is LATE but I am just to the point where I can respond, thank you. Your kind words have meant more than you can know.

  2. Courtney  /  2012/05/01, 6:49 am Reply

    I don’t know u besides following you on twitter & being thankful everyday I’m not the only one going through everything you write about. I will tell you that your post this morning brought back so many emotion I thought I had locked away and gotten over . I have been through 2 miscarriages after having two healthy pregnancies, for anyone to say they know how you feel is out of line .. Every mom who experiences this does so in different ways , my spirit was crushed & I also felt like my body had let me down . I felt like god had robbed me not only once but twice of having a precious angel in my arms. With all that said it took a long time for me to forgive myself and god for taking that experience from me. Just know that you have tons of followers , friends & family who are praying for you . It does get better over time , u will never forget but the pain does go away . Dont let this rob you of attempting again .. I have a wild blonde haired green eyed 5 yr old boy who runs me ragged & drives me crazy ..but I am so thankful god gave him to me . Hugs & kisses & you have many prayers being sent your way

    • Deborah Cruz  /  2012/06/14, 6:23 am Reply

      I am so sorry that you had to go through this. Your words have resonated with me and helped to carry me through one of the most difficult times in my life. XO

  3. Tracy  /  2012/05/01, 7:05 am Reply

    Oh my friend. I’m hurting for you. Sending you so much love today. I’m so sorry.
    Tracy recently posted..Taking Care of YOU On Mother’s Day

    • Deborah Cruz  /  2012/06/14, 6:26 am Reply

      THank you for the love, support and friendship. It has meant so much to me how many women have come forward and shared their own stories. I know it is painful to speak of but you all will never know how much your understanding and love has meant to me in a time when I could barely lift my head off of the pillow to see clear to the next day. XO

  4. Anna  /  2012/05/01, 7:49 am Reply

    I wish I were there to just give you a hug!
    Anna recently posted..At least I can laugh now

    • Deborah Cruz  /  2012/06/14, 6:27 am Reply

      The very fact that you care enough to want to has helped to carry me through.XO

  5. Lenette  /  2012/05/01, 8:13 am Reply

    Oh Deborah, I’m so sorry. I’m praying for you.
    Lenette recently posted..Menu {May 1-14}

    • Deborah Cruz  /  2012/06/14, 6:28 am Reply

      The prayers may have saved my life.Thank you.

  6. Delilah  /  2012/05/01, 9:35 am Reply

    I am so sorry. I’ve had 5 miscarriages and each one was devastating. Thinking of you today.
    Delilah recently posted..Maia and the Mean Girls

    • Deborah Cruz  /  2012/06/14, 6:31 am Reply

      I am so sorry that you had to experience this five times. I am sending you hugs back directly.

  7. Coffee Lovin' Mom  /  2012/05/01, 9:39 am Reply

    I am so sorry! There are no other words – you cry it out on your own time, my heart aches for you..
    Coffee Lovin’ Mom recently posted..Did You Know Ireland has palm trees?

    • Deborah Cruz  /  2012/06/14, 6:33 am Reply

      Thank you for being such a supportive friend. I did a lot of crying in the past month and am just now seeing my way clear enough to respond to these comments but I may need to respond in small doses as they are breaking my heart a little. I am awed by the outpouring of genuine love and support that I have received. Thank you, my friend. XO

  8. Denise  /  2012/05/01, 9:55 am Reply

    So sorry. Hugs to you
    Denise recently posted..What I Love About My Job

  9. Alexandra  /  2012/05/01, 10:05 am Reply

    I have tears in my eyes for you, Deb. Your baby. I am so very sorry.

    I wish I could give you the biggest hug and bring over a meal so you could rest.

    I am so so sorry.
    Alexandra recently posted..What It Takes To Make A Memory

  10. Nicole @MTDLBlog  /  2012/05/01, 10:05 am Reply

    I know that this is enormously painful – we went through this a few years back…I’m so sorry. Allow yourself this time and hold tight to those closest to you. Big hugs.
    Nicole @MTDLBlog recently posted..5 Things I Know I Do Well as a Parent {Listable Life}

  11. Jess  /  2012/05/01, 10:06 am Reply

    My heart is broken. I’m so sorry. There are no words, only prayers.

  12. Jennifer  /  2012/05/01, 10:15 am Reply

    I’m so, so sorry. I wish I could sit with you and hold your hand.
    Jennifer recently posted..Cinco de Mayo Chicken Enchiladas

  13. Devan @ Unspoken Grief™  /  2012/05/01, 11:39 am Reply

    I am so sorry D for your loss. Sending lots of hugs your way and please let me know if there’s anyway I can help. xxo
    Devan @ Unspoken Grief™ recently posted..Support Myth: “I Didn’t Want To Make It Worse, So I Said Nothing”

  14. KalleyC  /  2012/05/01, 11:56 am Reply

    Deborah, I cry right a long with you when I was reading this. Words cannot even convey the emotions that I feel for you. I am also familiar with miscarriage, and it feels like things will never be the same again.

    I wrote down my experience here: http://www.bloggingwhilenursing.com/2011/08/02/sorting-my-emotions-after-a-loss/

    I just want you to know that I will be praying for you and your family. You take as much time as you need to mourn, and if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here. –Kalley C
    KalleyC recently posted..Birthday Weekend Recovery & More

  15. Rusti  /  2012/05/01, 12:32 pm Reply

    sending you so much love Debi, and many prayers too. wishing I could do something to help, I’m here for support though. *hugs*
    Rusti recently posted..UPrinting business card GIVEAWAY!!

  16. Natalie @MamaTrack  /  2012/05/01, 4:10 pm Reply

    I’m so sorry. I’ve lost a baby too. The pain and heartbreak are overwhelming. Thinking of you.
    Natalie @MamaTrack recently posted..Laughter and Surprises

  17. Kait  /  2012/05/01, 4:16 pm Reply

    I am so so so sorry. My heart breaks with you. Prayers and love.

  18. Tracy  /  2012/05/01, 10:05 pm Reply

    Oh Deborah, I am so so very sorry to read this. You and your husband must be so overwhelmed with this right now.

    Please take care of yourself and just ‘be’. Sending you healing vibes and virtual hugs.
    Tracy recently posted..A day at the beach!

  19. FireMom  /  2012/05/01, 10:35 pm Reply

    I am so sorry for your loss. Sending love.
    FireMom recently posted..The Every Ten Years Fiesta Collector: Ooh, Marigold

  20. Crystal  /  2012/05/01, 11:32 pm Reply

    I am so sorry. I have been there, and there is no pain like it. You and your family are in my prayers.
    Crystal recently posted..Review | It’s a Big World, Little Pig! by Kristi Yamaguchi

  21. XLMIC  /  2012/05/02, 1:43 am Reply

    Big hugs. I’ve been there…10 wks 4 days. Sending you love and strength. Enveloping you in sweet, healing thoughts.
    XLMIC recently posted..101 minutes of fun…

  22. Cindi  /  2012/05/02, 8:56 am Reply

    Sending you lots of hugs, prayers and support. Let me know if you need anything. Here if you want to talk.
    Cindi recently posted..May Day

  23. Alison@Mama Wants This  /  2012/05/02, 9:05 am Reply

    I’m so, so very sorry for your loss Deborah. Take care of yourself. Cry if you have to. Take your time.

  24. Kate  /  2012/05/02, 9:07 am Reply

    ((hugs)) because I feel like even my words, of complete understanding, won’t be enough right noW, Take all the time you need to grieve… It’s a process. I am here if you need someone who understands and knows this pain all too well.
    Kate recently posted..Moving In Slow Motion

  25. Andrea  /  2012/05/02, 9:35 am Reply

    Oh Debi. I am so sorry. You have my sympathy and prayers. Take care. xoxo
    Andrea recently posted..Confessional Tuesday on Wednesday

  26. liza  /  2012/05/02, 10:40 am Reply

    i am just so sorry for your loss. hugs. xoxo

  27. Tina @ Life Without Pink  /  2012/05/02, 10:40 am Reply

    I am so very sorry. Praying for you.

  28. Jackie  /  2012/05/02, 10:45 am Reply

    Oh Deb… I am so sorry for you loss and all that you are going through. There is nothing that can take that pain away… nothing that can make it better.
    I know this because I went through the exact same thing at the exact same time in one of my pregnancies and I too did the D&C because I didn’t want to go through the waiting and wondering when it would pass on it’s own. I couldn’t do it.
    All I can do is send all my love, thoughts, and prayers your way.
    If you need someone to talk to just let me know. I’m here.
    Jackie recently posted..Lauren Nicole Gifts Giveaway

  29. Shell  /  2012/05/02, 10:52 am Reply

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you prayers.
    Shell recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: What Makes a Family Complete?

  30. Julia Roberts  /  2012/05/02, 10:52 am Reply

    Oh Deb, I am so, so very sorry for your loss and am thinking about you today and as you try to heal…sending love and hugs.

  31. Mrs. Jen B  /  2012/05/02, 11:05 am Reply

    I am so, so sorry for your loss and your pain. I’ll be thinking of and praying for you and your family, and sending you all the light I can.
    Mrs. Jen B recently posted..Elimination Diets and Me

  32. Erin Lane  /  2012/05/02, 11:31 am Reply

    I am so very sorry for your loss. Will be thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.
    Erin Lane recently posted..My Mother: A True Beauty {Olay giveaway}

  33. Ashley  /  2012/05/02, 11:34 am Reply

    I am so so sorry for your loss.

  34. Gena Morris  /  2012/05/02, 11:36 am Reply

    Prayin for all of you
    Gena Morris recently posted..Giveaway Monday April 23, 2012

  35. DeAnne  /  2012/05/02, 11:53 am Reply

    I don’t know you, i do know your grief. Know that you are loved by so many. We are with you in this

  36. Melissa {momcomm}  /  2012/05/02, 12:24 pm Reply

    Debi-
    I’m so so sorry for your loss. My prayers are definitely with you, friend.
    Melissa {momcomm} recently posted..Blog Critique: The Will to See

  37. gigi  /  2012/05/02, 1:14 pm Reply

    Big hugs to you, sweet friend. I am so sorry this is happening. We’re all here for you.
    gigi recently posted..I’m Saying NO To Big Jugs

  38. mrs.d  /  2012/05/02, 1:28 pm Reply

    I’m so sorry!

  39. Amy @ Counting My Kisses  /  2012/05/02, 1:55 pm Reply

    I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. Sending lots of hugs your way, and lots of strength as well.
    Amy @ Counting My Kisses recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: cheek pinchers!

  40. Jessica  /  2012/05/02, 4:42 pm Reply

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you and your family lots of hugs.
    Jessica recently posted..Let There Be Growth

  41. Aubrey Anne  /  2012/05/02, 4:43 pm Reply

    xoxoxo
    Aubrey Anne recently posted..Guest posting at Sperk*!

  42. Leigh Ann  /  2012/05/02, 4:48 pm Reply

    I’m so sorry. I cannot even imagine. Prayers for you, dear.
    Leigh Ann recently posted..Listen to Your Mother: From here to eternity

  43. Allie  /  2012/05/02, 6:24 pm Reply

    Oh Deborah,

    My heart aches for you. I am so sorry.

    Allie

  44. Jessica  /  2012/05/02, 7:26 pm Reply

    My heart is breaking for you Deb, I know the pain is unimaginable. Sending a million hugs your way.
    Jessica recently posted..Our World

  45. Jessica @FoundtheMarbles  /  2012/05/02, 7:51 pm Reply

    Sending you strength, love and light. I am so, so sorry for your loss.
    Jessica @FoundtheMarbles recently posted..What Would You Want Your Younger Self to Know if You Graduated Today?

  46. Annie  /  2012/05/02, 8:04 pm Reply

    Everything happens for a reason..Maybe God has a better plan for you. God is taking care of your little angel now. Take care..
    Annie recently posted..Persuasion Strategies

  47. Jenni Chiu  /  2012/05/02, 8:51 pm Reply

    Oh, love – you know I know.
    I am reaching out to you right now with a hug – the “my heart to your heart” kind.
    I am so very sorry.
    Jenni Chiu recently posted..Motherhood vs. Feminism – The New York Times forgot to ask me.

  48. Natalie  /  2012/05/02, 8:51 pm Reply

    I am so sorry for your loss. We lost a baby last year at 11 weeks. The memory is still fresh. You and your family are on my mind.
    Natalie recently posted..Wordless Wednesday….Vacation

  49. NotJustAnotherJennifer  /  2012/05/02, 10:20 pm Reply

    Honey, I’m so, so sorry. It totally sucks. You’re absolutely right – let yourself feel and grieve and write through it. It’s so hard to see anything but this moment right now, I know. Feel free to email me if you want. Thank God for the amazing blogosphere -the number of women who have been in our shoes is astounding, and they are nothing but supportive.
    NotJustAnotherJennifer recently posted..May Day Giveaway!

  50. Kathryn (@kat1124)  /  2012/05/02, 10:30 pm Reply

    I’m so very sorry for your loss and pain. I also had a d&c after my baby died, for the same reason. Healing thoughts to you, body and heart.
    Kathryn (@kat1124) recently posted..On Diversity and Negative Assumptions

  51. TRina  /  2012/05/02, 11:18 pm Reply

    *hugs* I’m so sorry for your loss.
    TRina recently posted..Life is too busy right now

  52. Zakary  /  2012/05/03, 12:27 am Reply

    I am so sorry.
    Zakary recently posted..Catch Up

  53. Bruna  /  2012/05/03, 1:01 am Reply

    Oh deb, my heart goes out to you. Keeping u in my prayers while you’re in hospital and recovering. I have no words to take away the pain of your loss. Know that I am thinking of you. Sending you a great big hug too.
    Bruna recently posted..mother’s day: what I really want!

  54. Jessica  /  2012/05/03, 1:25 am Reply

    My heart breaks for you

  55. [...] The End of the World as We Know It Deborah Cruz 2012/05/03 0 Hello there! If you are new here, you might want to subscribe to the RSS feed for updates on this topic.Powered by WP Greet Box WordPress PluginTelling my daughters was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. My husband decided to tell them the truth out of concern for me. My 4-year-old has been begging to be a big sister and he was afraid that in my fragile state, her relentless requests would be to torturous for me to endure. I think we should not of told her. My 4 year old took it especially hard. She is devastated. All I can do is cry. [...]

  56. MommaKiss  /  2012/05/03, 12:11 pm Reply

    much love and huge hugs, ok. cry. cry all damn day. and more. it’s your right to grieve the way you must.
    MommaKiss recently posted..Camping

  57. Fadra  /  2012/05/03, 1:58 pm Reply

    I had no idea. I’m so so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how devastating it is.
    Fadra recently posted..My Mother and the Woman I Didn’t Know

  58. Tracey  /  2012/05/04, 1:21 pm Reply

    I’ve had two miscarriages and each one totally knocked the wind out of me–in more ways than one.

    Cry whenever you need too and take one day at a time. Will keep you in my prayers.

  59. tayarra  /  2012/05/04, 11:19 pm Reply

    I know your pain. I was 12 weeks. No sign of trouble. We found out at my regular heartbeat appointment. It happens too often. I know you don’t want pity and I get that. I’m sorry you are feeling this pain….going through this hell. Do what you have to do and don’t apologize or feel guilty about any of it. I pray for the peace to come soon.

  60. [...] feed for updates on this topic.Powered by WP Greet Box WordPress PluginThe past week has been the hardest of my life, thus far. I’ve been walking around in a surreal state of existence since last Monday, only [...]

  61. Tam  /  2012/05/08, 8:41 pm Reply

    I am so sorry. The sun will come out again, but it will seem a little dimmer. My heart is with you – it has been broken in this manner before, I wish nobody else’s ever would be. x
    Tam recently posted..When a dream dies

  62. Alina  /  2012/05/10, 4:27 am Reply

    Oh, I feel very sorry for your loss…:(
    Many ‘hugs’. May you have peace soon…
    Alina recently posted..The Three Phases of a Trader’s Education: Psychology, Money Management, Method

  63. By Word of Mouth Musings  /  2012/05/13, 1:52 pm Reply

    I just want to scream from the hilltops for you …
    I had to stop reading the comments – too many of us have shared this road, this journey to a place that no one wants to be.
    My heart hurts with yours xxxx

  64. [...] had lots of love sent my way. I thought I would be okay. It’s been two weeks since I saw that life changing ultrasound. I’ll NEVER be over it. I will never forget the baby that I was looking forward to [...]

  65. [...] life began the day I met him. In my darkest moments, he has been my rock. He has loved me through the good, the bad, and the ugly; the easy and the [...]

  66. [...] How can such a tiny little girl be so wise beyond her years. You take my hand and hold it in yours when I am sad. I’ve been sad a lot this month. You know. I wanted so badly to give you what you wanted most [...]

  67. [...] past month has been such an emotional roller coaster for so many reasons, least of all because of our miscarriage. I say ours because it wasn’t just my loss. It hurt our family, at it’s core. Thank [...]

  68. [...] you are at the half way mark in your pregnancy”… Only, I’m not because I miscarried May 1st at 10 weeks and 4 days. I know this because every 1st day of the month, I am stabbed in the chest [...]

  69. [...] Crying into my pillow in the middle of the night. Screaming, yelling hating the pain, wishing I didn’t know this pain so intimately. [...]

  70. [...] never need again & my heart sunk a little thinking of the children I raised in this house and the one that I lost, who I will never see smiling up at me from the jumper in the bedroom door jam. The baby who I will [...]

  71. [...] it’s because it’s shark week, or because it’s almost the first and that always reminds me of the fragility of life or if it’s because I’ve been teetering on the edge of freaking out lately since I heard about [...]

  72. [...] Our Saffaron died on August 17, 2012 at 8:37 pm. She was 2 days shy of being 13 years old and 1 month. She lived a very full & happy life and was loved by everyone she ever met, especially the Big Guy and myself and our little girls. The Big Guy and I have loved her since the first time she looked up at us with her gorgeous big brown eyes, she was 6 weeks old. She was no accident. We specifically sought her out from a breeder. She was all we ever wanted in a pet. When looking over the litter, upon picking up a fresh newly born Saffaron, whose eyes were barely open, Saffaron promptly shat on me and the Big Guy fell in love with the runt of the pack. We could hold her in the palm of our hands. She was so tiny that we could lose her in the deep blades of autumn grass. No dog has ever been more wanted or loved. The Big Guy and I were newly married and little Saffaron was our first baby girl. She taught us to be parents. She taught us to unconditionally and selflessly love a helpless little girl. There is nothing we wouldn’t do for that girl and she loved us so fiercely that she would protect us with her life. No matter where we moved, or how our lives changed, Saffaron was always by our side, in our bed snuggled in the blankets and curled right between us. When I was sad, Saffaron came and sat by my side while I mourned. When I’ve been sick she’d walk in and climb on the bed & lick my face with all the love she can muster. Later, when we had the girls, each time the Big Guy would bring the baby’s blanket home so that Saffaron could smell our sweet baby’s scent. Every time, Saffaron tenderly welcomed our newest additions with no jealousy only love. As I breast fed my babies in the middle of the night, Saffaron was at my feet. Sure, the attention and playtime suffered but Saffaron didn’t seem to mind making way for each of her sisters. As the girls grew, Saffaron loved them as if they were her own; ever protective and always loving. The girls used her as teething toys and jungles gyms, pulling on her ears and tail, headbunting her when she least expected it and not once did she ever snip, bark or show her teeth. She simply waited for them to tire of playing and then she moseyed off to another childfree room. She knew our girls loved her and that she was a part of our family. Saffaron was an amazing dog but she was so much more than just that, she was our first baby and we loved her unconditionally and we miss her awfully. Friday night, our beautiful brindle boxer went to heaven. It was not peacefully or in her sleep as we had hoped, she was in excruciating pain in spite of her pain pills. She had, what appeared to be, a heart attack in my in laws living room floor, surrounded by the people who loved her for so many years. We tried to resuscitate her and performed CPR but it was all just too much for our sweet, sweet Saffaron. She went on to heaven to wait for us. We are all devastated; completely heartbroken. My 5-year-old is having a really hard time with it. She woke up Saturday morning, after saying good-bye to Saffaron the previous night, and asked where Saffaron was. We explained again that our beloved friend has gone on to Heaven to be with God. She seemed satisfied until an hour ago, while her and I sat quietly in her room, she asked me what happened to her Saffaron. I said again that she’s gone to heaven to wait for us and she’s with God. Gabi looked at me & said I know that but what did they do with her body. My heart is exploding. I told her that her soul is in heaven and her body is being prepped for cremation. I didn’t explain cremation. Then she said, ” Mommy, I hope Saffaron is with our baby and there is a Mommy up on heaven to love our baby and our S….” [...]

  73. [...] stop? Today it’s abortions in the case of rape, next they will take D & C’s and D & E’s off the table. These are medically necessary extractions of fetal tissue from women who have lost [...]

  74. [...] interview earlier this week, Ann Romney spontaneously and irrelevantly burst into a speech about a miscarriage that she went through when she was in her 40′s. It’s sad for sure. I hate that any [...]

  75. [...] Awareness Month. Today also marks 5 months since we lost our baby. It’s been 5 months since my miscarriage. It’s the anniversary of the worst day of my [...]

  76. Chaunie@TinyBlueLines  /  2012/10/15, 10:27 pm Reply

    So sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing.
    Chaunie@TinyBlueLines recently posted..Do You Think I’m Selfish?

    • Deborah Cruz  /  2012/10/16, 8:37 am Reply

      Thank you for your kind words. It was the kindness and understanding of the people I know online that carried me through that terrible time in my life when I didn’t want to speak about it. They shared their experiences and they rescued me from my hole of pain. XO

  77. [...] The ultrasound tech made idle chit chat, apologizing for the wand of the vaginal ultrasound and any pressure that I might be feeling. Then her face went white. I knew. But it had to be a mistake. She continued on in silence. Then the words came, as if in slow motion from across the world, “I’m so sorry, I can’t find your baby’s heartbeat.” [...]

  78. [...] we can just save these for the next baby you have.” And just like that my eyes were stinging and my vision was getting blurry and I wanted to fall to the floor and assume the fetal position as the knife in my heart worked [...]

  79. [...] such things as abortion? My daughters know that babies die. They learned that the hard way when we miscarried this past May. I don’t need my 5-year-old somehow forming the opinion that the President is [...]

  80. [...] I feel different. Today, I feel closer to normal than I have felt since that awful Monday morning, April 30, 2012 when the ultrasound tech told me that she could not find my baby’s heartbeat. For the first time [...]

  81. [...] puppy since we lost our sweet Saffaron in August. It’s been a really crap year for a lot of reasons and we thought they needed a special gift to make them smile and how it did. I highly suggest to [...]

  82. [...] sanity and taking the end of the world with a grain of salt or maybe I’m just off because of my personal losses this year, the terrible events of the last few weeks or because I’ve been so busy with obligation. Really, [...]

  83. April  /  2012/12/26, 10:53 pm Reply

    I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. Sending hugs your way.
    April recently posted..Yes, I’m still here… (Wordless Wednesday)

  84. [...] take a personal offense to this man’s ignorant statement. I have suffered a miscarriage, I know many women who have had lost babies, women who have battled infertility and have taken [...]

  85. [...] up an old topic; one that we try not to discuss but has been lingering around my heart lately; the miscarriage we had last [...]

  86. [...] have an “abortion” but I did have a medically needed D & E (Dilation and Evacuation) after I miscarried. I had no choice in the matter but I will tell you that it was one of the hardest things I have [...]

  87. [...] years, I have made some truly great friends; women who have virtually held me when I was having my greatest breakdowns, shown me the blogging ropes and commiserated with me when I had lost all control of my household, [...]

  88. [...] on after losing a child or a pregnancy, how is it even possible? I know you get up and breathe and take it day by day but it feels more [...]

  89. [...] 1st is the anniversary of what has so far been the worst day of my life; the day that I lost my third baby. I feel so many emotions. I am overwhelmed and consumed, [...]

  90. Pragya  /  2013/05/30, 5:31 am Reply

    Hats off strong woman. I just read your own experience on child abuse and the another link I followed is this one. And from starting to the end your each and every words have a great influence on me. You truly are an inspiration to many people in the world. Keep on writing. Best wishes.

  91. [...] of the baby that we lost, I just couldn’t do it. I’m still muddling through the muddy waters of loss and just when I think I may be getting to a point where I am less affected by our loss, I’m [...]

  92. [...] to be sure. My heart stopped. I thought everything was fine but I’ve been here before, that unsuspecting moment when you think life is fine and it gets completely knocked upside down.  I don’t want to be here. I want to be somewhere else; anywhere else.  I want to close my eyes [...]

  93. [...] On Tuesday evening in casual conversation, I asked a my daughter’s ballet teacher when she was due. She said Thanksgiving and just like that, I was punched in the gut. Thanksgiving last year was my due date, this year I should have a one-year-old sitting on my lap. I don’t. It’s not fucking fair! I just want to collapse into a pool of snot and tears and cry until I can’t cry anymore. [...]

  94. locksmith tampa fl  /  2013/10/23, 9:33 am Reply

    Useful info. Fortunate me I discovered your web site by chance, and I’m shocked why this coincidence didn’t happened in advance! I bookmarked it.

  95. […] and we thought of names and daydreamed about what our last baby would look like. Then it was all just as quickly gone. It sucked. The deflation, the hurt and the losing of the dream was really hard to swallow. It […]

  96. […] For a long time after we miscarried, I thought anyone who tried again must be mad. How the hell can your heart take it? Mine couldn’t. I swore to myself that my heart couldn’t take it but I think I was wrong. We said the only way we would try again is if Gabi asked, if she meant it. I think her little heart broke as much as mine on that day I miscarried. She was able to verbalize her pain, even better than I was. I tell you, that kid is amazing. I wish I could do this for her but I don’t think I can. Not because I am afraid of losing but because there are so many things that could go wrong; so many ways to fail. The stakes are too high. […]

  97. […] been thinking about motherhood a lot lately, in every way. It’s been a life changing couple of years. When I started this blog, I was in the thick of motherhood. I couldn’t see […]

  98. […] baby had no heartbeat and in the midst of my heart breaking pain and through my own primal cries, I wrote it out. I felt like a trapped animal and I needed to purge myself of the pain, to make sense of it and I […]

  99. […] up together. We have built a family. Built a life. He is my home and my soft place to land when the world has beaten me to a bloody pulp and I am his. He has given me everything I never knew I always wanted and he has made me a better […]

  100. […] I had my miscarriage, I wanted to die. All I could do was cry.I wanted to sink into one of my deep, tear stained sleeps where I had sobbed myself into exhaustion […]

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