vagina whisperer, sex, relationships, marriage

The Vagina Whisperer

by Deborah Cruz

*Vagina Whisperer Disclaimer: Warning this post may be more sexually explicit than normally expected from Truthful Mommy , if you are offended by such things please stop reading now.

Behold the Vagina Whisperer

Every woman needs a vagina whisperer or two in her life to be happy. Jeez, seems like I’ve been spending a lot of time telling you ladies about my vagina lately. Sorry about that. I promise, I’m not normally that girl but you ladies are just so damn easy to talk to. I know you are scratching your heads, or cradling your vaginas, asking yourself ” What the hell is a vagina whisperer?” Well, my friends, according to @TruthfulMommy a vagina whisperer is one who understands the vagina, soothes the vagina, makes the vagina happy and can whisper to a fetus to come towards the light. I am not by any means suggesting that all the lovers that you’ve ever had must be or have been vagina whisperers, though if that has been your experience..go you. I mean sometimes spending some time with those vagina whisperer wannabes is fun. Practice makes perfect right? Vagina whisperers are not born, they are made. Besides, honestly, if everyone were a vagina whisperer, where would the fun be in the world? After all, diversity is the spice of life.

#1 Must Have Vagina Whisperer

The first vagina whisperer that every woman needs is a fan-freakin-tastic OB/GYN. Let’s face it girls, who wants someone who doesn’t understand, love and speak Vaginese fluently down below at the most important moments of our lives…our first shark week,  that embarrassingly awkward attempt to get birth control in high school college, our first college issued STD ( crabs party of two), the pregnancy and birth of our children, the inevitable ripping of the vagina as the second, increasingly large, baby is catapulted into the world, the resulting embarrassing case of stress incontinence, that first time we poop on the table, that time our vagina got the holiday spirit and especially, that one time we thought our uterus was falling out. These are times that we absolutely need a vagina whisperer with a steady hand and a good bedside manner. A nice smile and a sense of humor are not bad things either.

We’ve all heard fantastical myths of the amazing love making skills of some men, though not many of us have ever experienced it. We’ve heard the rumors that bigger is better but there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. I think we can all agree on that. Remember that thing may end up someplace unsuspecting. Do you like getting beaten with a tiny bat by an angry midget? I think I’ll pass. But there is the Vagina whisperer lover who, in my very humble opinion, should be sought after with the determination of a heat seeking missile on a mission from God.

The Most important Vagina Whisperer a woman could ever know

The vagina whisperer lover could mean a huge difference in a woman’s quality of life. Thank God, for the Vagina whisperer’s existence. The Vagina whisperer is a self-confident, charming, go-getter type person who happens to be a people pleaser and speaks fluent Vaginese and, may or may not, have an extensive porno collection. This man takes matters into his own hands, so to speak. He comes in all shapes and sizes and a set of baby blue bedroom eyes and a winning personality never hurt anybody either. I’m just sayin. The Vagina whisperer is like the unicorn. Many women don’t believe that he even exists but I am here to tell you that he does, as I’ve captured my very own. And bonus, the Vagina whisperer has G-spot GPS.

If you are lucky enough to acquire your very own Vagina whisperer, I recommend that you cherish him; love him, adore him and bask in the stimulating late night conversations in Vaginese.  Then, promptly chain that man up in the basement away from the prying eyes of the world. I, personally, like to think of it as the Vagina whisperer witness protection program because, really, how would he survive in the world if word got out of his transcendental cunning? Imagine the danger he’d be in if all the crazed orgasm seeking women of the world were to catch wind of his spectacular  aptitude. Believe me, you’re doing him a favor by keeping him safe.

What do you think is the most important quality in a lover? What skills do you think qualifies someone as a Vagina Whisperer? What’s your litmus test for awesome? Have you ever encountered a vagina whisperer in the real world? Every woman deserve all the happiness that the world has to offer,especially in the bedroom. After all, every girl deserves a Vagina Whisperer… or two.

 

*If you are looking for a post a little less vaginaesque, I am being featured at Moonfrye Family today. .5 You Never Stood a Chance. Please go check it out and leave some comment love.But if you prefer your Monday morning with a side of Vagina Whisperer, you’re in the right place right here.

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32 comments

Sili 2011/10/16 - 10:37 pm

This post had me almost peeing myself and brought a tear to my eye at the same time. This was genius! Extremely timely for me and great advice.

A must share with all your friends who have a vagina in their possession.

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Truthful Mommy 2011/10/16 - 10:49 pm

Aww, thanks! It is so true though, we all need a couple good Vagina whisperers.I keep mine chained up in the basement working remotely from home.The reasoning two fold; I don’t want him to escape and I want to protect him from all the orgasm seeking ladies out there. Shhhh, it’s a secret:)LOL

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Action jackson 2011/10/16 - 11:34 pm

This was frickin HILARIOUS!! Loved it!

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Truthful Mommy 2011/10/17 - 10:19 am

Glad you enjoyed it:)

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Bruna 2011/10/16 - 11:57 pm

This was, by far, your funniest post eva! I couldn’t stop laughing:)
You are so creative and magical with your words.
Never a dull moment here at The Truth About Motherhood.
I love you!

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Truthful Mommy 2011/10/17 - 10:19 am

Awww, I love you too! Long live the Vagina Whisperers of the world.

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Coffee Lovin' Mom 2011/10/17 - 2:16 am

Knowing vaginese should definitely be a requirement..
Side note: your google hits are about to get more interesting!
Great Post!

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Truthful Mommy 2011/10/17 - 10:20 am

Uh oh, I know. Now I am a little worried to see what my keyword search may be.LOL I think speaking fluent Vaginese should be a requirement for marriage:)

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lceel 2011/10/17 - 9:22 am

I have HEARD (which is really funny when you read this the second time) that the perfect lover has a six inch tongue and can breath through his ears.

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Truthful Mommy 2011/10/17 - 10:21 am

BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAA! THank you for the giggle this morning:)

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erin margolin 2011/10/17 - 10:16 am

OMG. ROFLMAO.

THIS? is the perfect way to start a Monday morning.

Let’s find me a whisperer who can coax this fetus out into the light BEFORE Friday!!!!

xoxoxox

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Truthful Mommy 2011/10/17 - 10:24 am

Maybe the hearty laugh will coax that gorgeous baby out. I;m sending Vagina Whisperer vibes your way ( and Im praying too)whatever it takes to get that baby on the outside and make Mommy feel better:) XOXO

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Alexandra 2011/10/17 - 10:48 am

Oh my gosh..

alll I can say is HOW DID YOU THINK OF THIS??

You are too wonderful.

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Truthful Mommy 2011/10/17 - 11:04 am

Alexandra,

It sprouted from a long conversation on Twitter and a sick mind. You knwo what they say, it’s a terrible thing to waste:) Hope it made you smile.
And No, YOU ARE TOO WOnderful!! XO

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Ange 2011/10/17 - 11:43 am

After this post I am now your new number #1 fan (self appointed of course).

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Truthful Mommy 2011/10/17 - 2:55 pm

Aww, I love it! I knight you #1 fan!LOL You are awesome!

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Naomi 2011/10/17 - 11:47 am

Vagina Whispering!! FTW!!!!!!

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Truthful Mommy 2011/10/17 - 2:56 pm

Shhhh, keep it down, this is a vagina whispering zone:)LOL

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susan 2011/10/17 - 2:54 pm

love it love it love it….My ob/gyn (whose reputation as a VW (or perhaps that should be VJJJDub) is exactly as you described…and handsome in a yes-i-know-i’m -looking-at-your-fanny-but-i-can-still-be-charming kind of way.
As for the stay at home version, well I wait patiently for him to come charging on his white horse – oh hang on a VJJDub would never charge;)

and if it wasn’t that my Dad is a facebook friend I’d share it there too…

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Alice 2011/10/17 - 6:04 pm

We should celebrate these Vagina Whisperers. I have found there not to be enough in the world. lol. Great post!!

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Middle State/MomZombie 2011/10/17 - 10:56 pm

Every woman needs a good VW. Too bad they don’t all have extended warranties.

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Truthful Mommy 2011/10/24 - 9:24 am

LOL! I wonder what the shelf life is on a good vagina whisperer? Good QUestion.

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Leighann 2011/10/23 - 11:34 am

My vagina whisperer wants to whisper to mine far too often.
I’m interested in sleep.

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Truthful Mommy 2011/10/24 - 9:10 am

Bwahahaha!It;s better than the alternative:) It just means that he finds you ultra sexy! Go girl!

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The Fat Whisperer 2011/10/24 - 10:11 am

[…] Fat Whisperer, not to be confused with the vagina whisperer is  a totally different beast all together. Instead of being the bringer of of all things awesome, […]

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Venus 2011/10/27 - 10:03 am

“Transcendental cunning.” NICE. 😉 God I hope you wrote that play on words on purpose… if you didn’t, don’t tell me! Hahaahahha.

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Etta Velasquez 2011/12/10 - 6:44 am

Good QUestion. We should celebrate these Vagina Whisperers. Aww, I love it!

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The Evolution of Sex in a Marriage | Smart Mom Style 2012/03/05 - 2:01 pm

[…] 2-3 times a week followed closely by a few times a month. This is the average whether you have a vagina whisperer at home or not. I’d say for most couples, it depends upon the week of the month, the month of the […]

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Mommy’s Secret Drawer 2012/11/07 - 1:56 pm

[…] my drawer, I have my rabbit (The Vagina whisperer travels a lot), the positive pregnancy tests from each of my pregnancies (as a reminder of why the […]

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Jami 2013/05/24 - 3:15 am

I’m excited to discover this site. I want to to thank you for ones time for this particularly fantastic read!! I definitely really liked every bit of it and i also have you bookmarked to look at new information on your blog.

Reply
Five Things You Should Stop Doing During Sex ? 2014/10/18 - 9:24 am

[…] lied. But if you are willing and present, sex can be magical and mind blowing and I swear, once I saw a unicorn fly across the room after orgasming. So, ladies and gentlemen, go get your groove on just keep in mind that there are usually at least […]

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Why Mexican Food and Sex Don't Mix 2015/09/10 - 11:04 am

[…] feeling the heat and getting a little frisky between the sheets. It was all well and good until Mr. Vagina Whisperer over here decided to get a little up close and personal with my nether regions. Look, I am all […]

Reply

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