The Mommy Resume

The Mommy Resume ~Sunday, as many of you already know, was my birthday and I can’t believe I got exactly what I asked for from the Big Guy and my girls.  You won’t believe what I asked for. What I asked for is unheard of (no I didn’t ask the Big Guy if I could be the meat in a Alexander Skarsgard/Javier Bardem sandwich… but that is a great idea for some future birthday:) Nope, I asked for the day off. Oh …yes, I did! I asked for the day off from any and all wifely and/or Mommy duties. Yes, you heard me right. I simply opened my mouth and out fell the words. No guilt. No regret. No second guessing. We all dream of it, but who’d ever have the gall to ask for it? Me!Me!Me!!! I needed to add to my Mommy resume…takes the occasional day off. Let’s be honest, Mommy needed a break. A nap. A timeout. This got me thinking…of all the stuff I do on a daily basis that contributes to my perpetual state of overworked, underpaid and overwhelmed.

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Mommy Resume, do not disturb
HipUndies

All that thinking made me realize how marketable I am..in the real world. Hell, in the business world and in the social media world. I am every single Mommy. And so here it is…

My Mommy Resume

  • Extreme Multi-Tasking Ninja.
  • Keen ability to function on little to no sleep, with little to no near death experiences. 99% child survival rate.
  • Dog Ears: Ability to hear a crying child from three states away.
  • Elephant Memory: Remembers absolutely everything applicable (ever read) to children under the age of 13.
  • Eyes in back of head.
  • Cheetah like reflexes.
  • Ability to fashion Cheez-its, apple slices and chicken nuggets into a gourmet meal a la The Pioneer woman meets MacGyver.
  • Ability to fashion cauliflower, flax seed, tofu, carrots, and wheat grass into a sneaky squirrel, yet crunchy, version of a chicken nugget.
  • Adaptability to constantly changing situations and personalities. People person who loves to engage with her clients; even if it’s over a glass of organic milk in a sippy cup (*but never Apple juice as to not kill the client! J/K) and a game of Candyland.
  • Keen ability to recall every minute detail of ever occasion that has ever transpired in the lives of each of my children but may forget whether or not I have brushed my teeth or showered. This is not deadly in any way but could be unpleasant for co-workers.( Sorry, nobody’s perfect. If you single people can forget to eat, I can forget to shower!)
  • Can be needy in a way that does not wreak of desperation, but just enough to let you know that I am hungry enough to get the job done!

Mommy Resume:Unfallable Intuition

  • Works well  best under pressure and on tight deadlines; the more the better. Bring it!
  • Can subsist on copious amounts of diet coke, wine and leftover Goldfish. (This could prove well when entertaining business clients.)
  • Can change a DVD, fill a sippy cup, wipe a babies butt, Heimlich a toddler, write a dissertation and phone her governor..all while shuttling children between an assortment of classes..but refuses to text while driving.
  • Technologically savvy~Is a whiz on a blue tooth and proficient at using dragon software (see previous entry). Expert in photoshop, indesign, excel, word, WP, Outlook, Google, Quicken, Picnik, Windows, Adobe and a plethora of other programs.
  • Social Media Mastermind~ Experienced in Twitter, FB, Aboutme, Stumbleupon, Klout and Google+ .
  • Speaks five languages: English, Spanish, French, Italian and toddler.
  • Networking Houdini~ Can talk my way into and out of just about any situation: opportunities, frat parties, play groups, PTA, Room Mother, Church activities, Tastefully Simple, Tupperware, or Purse parties, soccer, ballet, chairing boards and etc. You name it. I can get in or out of it.
  • Can chat up complete strangers and have a serious conversation about the intricacies of a code brown (AKA baby diaper blow out) and then convince the aforementioned party to purchase my brand of diapers, deodorizer, diaper genie, baby shampoo, carpet shampooer and baby detergent.
  • Can assemble a pack and play, stroller and high chair with one hand tied behind my back while chasing a toddler and mind melding a tween.
  • Can disassemble a fort, a Barbie house and a diaper bomb in record time while planning a bake sale, hemming a uniform and playing make believe with a 4 and 6 year old.
  • Extreme negotiating skills~ Can talk a PMSing teenager off a ledge, a 1 year old out of a tantrum on the spot and a husband into picking up his socks and putting a new roll of toilet paper on the hanger.
  • Educated in several schools of higher learning; Purdue University, University of North Carolina and Eastern Tennessee State University but has acquired most valuable life education through on the job training.
  • Most over educated housewife in the universe. (I could tell you my areas of expertise but then I;d have to dispose of you. Let’s just say covert operations are my specialty.)Can throw an elegant, mentally stimulating dinner party on a budget of $25 that would impress Emily Post and the Queen Mum. This has been proven several times over (refer to Pioneer woman meets MacGyver statement above).
  • Stable, reliable, dedicated and hardworking.
  • Can leap tall buildings in single bound.
  • Can lift cars off of a trapped newborn.
  • Does it all with style, grace and while not tangling herself in her cape ( OK, the last parts a lie but you get the picture).

What would you add as a skill to your Mommy Resume? I’d love to hear all the skills you’ve acquired through your tenure as a Mommy.

P.S. By the way, thank you all so much for all of the sweet birthday wishes. You made my day. I didn’t hit my 1000 GFC goal but I’ll get there eventually. Meanwhile, I love the readers I have. You, are by far, some of the most intelligent, opinionated, strong and entertaining people that I have the pleasure of “knowing” and I love that I get to include you in my community and that we can share our journey as Mothers with one another! XO We should all add awesome friend to our Mommy Resume.

My Mommy Resume Qualifies Me to be the Benevolent Ruler of the World

 

 

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Comments (13)

Happy birthday! Awesome resume, I can’t believe you’re not the CEO of a fortune 500 company or a hostage negotiation expert 🙂

Alex,
I completely concur. I SHOULD be running a small country:) BUt believe me, I know Daddies have extensive resumes too. I know my husbands may contain more sleep but it also has a lot more manual labor:)LOL I;m still working on building the muscles. The car lifting off newborns is sheer adrenaline!

This is an excellent list.

Hmm, how about extremely gifted to work with one hand tied behind back. These skills would include: cooking, cleaning, doing own hair and make-up, changing a toddler and getting dressed.

Kalley,

You are extremely gifted. I need two hands to put make up on or I look like an absolute train wreck, that’s probably why I hardly ever wear make up. I can’t afford to chance it:)LOL You go girl.XO

Happy birthday, and that was a funny resume 😉 Stumbled your post, hope you’ll like my post too: cook ON your laptop

Fantastic list. Very thorough.

I love that you speak toddler, a vital skill indeed!

I often marvel at my ability to remember the location of stray shoes, discarded hairbows, and that lego that no one else can find. It’s amazing.

Happy belated!

Thank you and HAHA! I so know what you mean. I feel as if my entire life is a never ending game of Memory:) It’s truly an amazing skill but weird that I get confused as to whether or not I brushed my ow teeth or when the last time I shaved my legs:) Thank God for little kids who will tell you ( no problem) that you stink and your leg hair, pit hair and or facial hair makes you look like a man. Oh, how i love my girls!

Dog ears! Ha! Ain’t that the truth? I sleep like a log but if my son makes so much as a peep, I’m up and ready.

Carri,
That is what Ambien’s are for. I swear I plan my sleep for Friday nights ( My husband knows that’s his night to get up with the girls), I pop an ambien and catch up on my sleep for the week. It’s so good. Ambien renders the dog ears virtually useless:)LOL

I am not sure that I possess all these talents. You are truly gifted.

I am quite positive that you do. Mommies are some pretty talented people. Out biggest quality:extreme humility. I think that is why you don’t realize that you possess all these qualities too. YOu rock. Don;t forget it:)XO

Jessica Gottlieb

I love this, Happiest belated birthday.

You’re so smart to ask for a day of well being. Good moms know their limits.

Thank you!IT was truly one of the best gifts I have ever asked for. I think it will be what I ask for EVERY YEAR from here on out:)

I know my limits. Oh, how I know them. I learned from trying to be the perfect Mommy that she doesn’t exist. The only way I’m getting close to being the best Mommy I can be is by being the best Me I can be. ANd the best me…needs sleep and down time. LOL
XO

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