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missing daddy

Yesterday was Sunday.Sunday’s are bittersweet around here. They are simultaneously filled with big breakfasts, mass, lazy days of Halloween decorating, cuddling, mostly just being together. Unfortunately, for us, it is also always filled with certain goodbyes and impending sadness.
As most of you know, the Big Guy has been working out of state a lot of the time. This leaves me an overworked, stressed, spread much to thin Mommy.The girls are hyper emotional, dealing with some issues of abandonment, missing their Daddy, and testing my boundaries. The Big Guy is working his ass off,lonely and missing his family.It’s a pretty raw deal all the way around but we make the sacrifice, well, because we have to. It’s not ideal but it’s what needs to be done..right now.

The good great fantastic news blessing is that he has finally gotten a permanent position with a great company. Which means soon we will all be in the same zip code.Obviously, that is AWESOME! But in the interim, until spring when we can put the house on the market, after the Nutcracker has been performed, after kindergarten graduation, we have to live for our weekends together because its all we have. We spend our days marking time until the next time we can all be together. It’s quite pathetic all the way around. Don’t get me wrong, we have been doing this for about 8 months and we have established a groove. About once about every 3 months, I have a major emotional breakdown. You know, things get too overwhelming and I just can’t go on any longer alone. I make it to the weekend and then he says something like, “I need you to move with me now …so you can work and I can watch the kids at night.” Normally, that would be no big deal but for some reason under these circumstances they instigated a complete breakdown. First, I felt insulted that he didn’t think I was working, then there was the whole he only wants us with him so that I can work, then I was broken by the fact that I am missing him terribly..in my heart, in my arms, in my bed and he is missing…my revenue? Then he told me, that he has been telling me for weeks that he misses us and wants us to be together. I’ve been stuck on autopilot trying to survive this situation. I am trying to do what is best for the girls, for our family…not what is necessarily good for me. Of course being together would be better for me. I could share the parenting, share the load, share my life but in my mind it’s not a feasible option, so why entertain it? But he said that he felt that him missing us was not enough of a catalyst for me, so he figured since I am so concerned with our finances that he would coerce me to relocate early by threatening financial ruin.

Of course, I had a good long cry on a Sunday morning. You know of the cathartic, sobbing, hyperventilating, can’t breathe, very ugly, body shaking variety and all he could do was hold me. But it was nice to have him here to hold me. We both regrouped and moved on. We went shopping, had lunch, blanketed the neighborhood as a family taking our Bella to sell her candy bars for school, visiting with all the neighbors, Then we came home and put up our giant blow up witch in the yard  and pretended to be like every other family on the block. But it was still Sunday. There is no denying when its ourSundays, the sadness is palpable and becomes almost smothering around 5:30 pm. We can pretend we are normal until then.

The Big Guy has been trying to stick around until after the girls are asleep, to help me out with bedtime /Missing Daddy meltdowns.God bless him. Of course, last night Bella went right to sleep after only a brief tantrum. But Gabs, oh my Gabs, she was nodding off in my lap as the Big Guy kissed us goodbye. We were both a little emotional because we have had to say more goodbyes in the last 8 months than most married couples do in a lifetime together. Right as he walked out the door, Gabs lifted her head and did a demonstration of my breakdown that morning.Wailing  and screaming. ” Me miss my Daddy! Me want my Daddy!” After about 30 minutes,I finally calmed her down. Of course, we had 3 repeat performances last night..each time she stirred from her slumber. I tried to soothe her each time, but when a baby wants Daddy..a Mommy is a poor substitute. I just kept feeling that horrible lump in my throat( that I know so well) and a pain in my heart…my poor breaking Mommy heart!

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Bella & Gabs @ first day of Kindergarten pick up! Awwww!

It seems for the wee ones, absence does make the heart grow fonder. My girls are 2 years apart and they are best friends and enemies in any given 24 hour period. They seriously will be hugging and kissing on one another in one moment and in the next telling me how they wish they didn’t have the other. That was until Kindergarten. Oh blessed Kindergarten, that which has caused my girls to absolutely adore and fawn over one another. Every morning it is big strong hugs and kisses and when we pick our Bella up at half day, Gabs runs to her, Bella grabs her little sister, and picks her up in the most adorable pint sized embrace I’ve ever witnessed.I live for this moment. It makes me a little teary eyed. It may be one of the best things to happen to their relationship. They may come out as best friends and put this ” I wish I never had a sister” nonsense aside for good. A Mommy can hope.

OMG, Seriously, does it get any more precious than this? To ME, it does not!

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This day has been trying and over wrought with activities; big booming activities… kindergarten roundup, which meant waking my girls up from their sleep ( my rule on children and sleep is let them sleep until they wake)so waking them from their slumber bodes well for no one in the house, least of all me. After the emotional roller coaster that was Kindergarten roundup, we had lunch, a well intentioned but never coming to full fruition nap..uh oh! Oh yeah, uh oh is right! Then ballet class observation day. Tired ballerina is performing but somewhere in space not quite down on earth with the rest of us. But ,my God, is she ever adorable doing it! Her sister, completely berserk from her own self inflicted sleep deprivation is twirling around on the floor like a whirling dervish ( did I mention she is NOT in the class, but a mere bystander). I am trying to man the camcorder and the digital camera because my assistant is off on his gig in Iowa. So, there I am, in the throes of hell because of the chaos..I for one do not thrive in chaos. We make it through. Arrive at home, dinner time of course everything I am cooking my tired 2 year old says “No..MOMMEEEEEEEE. Me NO WANT!”but in the most long, drawn out, whiny voice ever heard by human ears. AND this , my friends, was the second third time this show took place today; once for every meal! At least she’s consistent. It was one of those I say black she said white days. She just didn’t want to do anything I asked her to do. I never really adhered to the whole terrible 2 thing, but this day just may have convinced me that they do ,in fact, exist! After much bargaining, on my part, when all it really needed was her big sister to say, “Boy I sure want to eat what  Mommy’s making for dinner” she finally ate. Of course, that would have been way too easy.We make it through dinner (barely), I am biding my time until bedtime. If I can just make it through the next 2 hours, this miserable day will be almost to a close..Bedtime!Sweet, sweet bedtime! But first, there had to be outdoor play time on the jungle gym and SKYPE with Daddy.SKYPE with Daddy I understand, an absolute must but the swing set..really! After much threatening to call the cops and threatening that I would leave her with our elderly neighbor as a babysitter ( he’s really old, and really nice but granted he is a little creepy even to me..so I can’t imagine what he looks like through the eyes of a 2 year old..perhaps the crypt keeper? I know, I am awful!I’ll probably burn in hell for that alone.) if she did not put on her damn new crocs to go outside to play, it finally worked. I was frazzled, about to lose it. Again we made it through. Ok, the end was in sight. “Come on girls, lets go in wash up, get on our jams and SKYPE Daddy!”
“Me no want to, Me want to play outside with Bella!!!!!!!!”20 minutes later…we are inside, not finding any pajamas that my 2 year old deems acceptable. Then they are both in jams, its almost over. We finally SKYPE Daddy, the girls are out of control tired..more interested in jumping on my bed and seeing if they can cut their heads off in the ceiling fan than actually conversing with their Daddy.Everyone says goodnight. I end SKYPE, do the happy dance, put the oldest in bed and head off to get the youngest to sleep. Just as my 2 year old is finally drifting off, my 5 year old decides to have a full on meltdown. “I miss my Daddy!!! I want my Daddy!!!!” Crocodile tears the likes of which I have not seen …EVER. I send a picture to my husband on his cell phone. Come on, why should I have all the fun? I only wish that I had audio to accompany the photo for him to fully enjoy the experience!This, of course, woke the extremely over tired 2 year old up. Upon which,  I promptly had to dig through photos in order to find them both photos of themselves with Daddy…to sleep with!My girls, or should I say Mommies little Drama Queens! All kidding aside, I understand her reaction..I kinda felt this way myself today. I officially do not like Mondays!

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