Today, I wrote a love letter to my daughter on her 7th birthday. My Gabi, my last baby turns 7-years-old. She is sort of amazing. I look at her and I can’t believe how much she has changed in 7 short years. She is nowhere near the chubby, 8 pounds 6 ounces, full head of black curly hair baby that I delivered who looked up with those giant big blue eyes and melted my heart. She stopped me in my tracks. That baby girl took my breath away and stole my heart forever. My love for my girls is immeasurable. Every year I try to quantify it for them in some way in a post, a love letter to my child, but it always falls short because how can you express the true meaning of to the moon and back plus infinity with all that I am or will ever be? It’s the kind of all-consuming love that hurts.
Today, the tall, waif-thin little girl with scraped knees and long flowing strawberry blonde hair with those same big blue eyes that make my heart happy is constantly changing. The freckles that kiss the tops of her cheeks beg me to kiss them and commit them to memory because at this moment, I know, she is changing, evolving, every single second. I breathe in deep and I inhale this moment, this child that she is right this minute. This same child who runs hot and cold at all times, the one who is so passionate about her convictions that sometimes she gets in her own way. How I adore her verve for life.
This is my love letter for your 7th year.
Gabs,
You came into my world and have been my happiness ever since. Your smiles soothe me, your tears tear me down and your sadness destroys me. Your laughter is contagious and infectious and can heal the world. On this 7th anniversary of the day you were born, my beautiful, amazing girl, I wish you a lifetime of the same wholehearted, all in love that you give to others.
You are moody and broody and artistic and funny and vibrant and in total living Technicolor. You are a rainbow and a unicorn and all that the world has to offer that is good. You are shy and that scares me because the thought of you feeling unsure breaks my heart because I can’t fix this for you. But I am here, for today and for always, to hold your hand, to wipe away the tears and yes, to kick anyone’s ass my mama bear heart needs to. You drive me crazy with your independence when it’s in direct opposition to my plan but, inside, I am so proud of you for standing your ground.
I love that you stick up for what you believe in and for the underdog. I love your stubbornness and your follow through. I love that your heart compels you to get involved when you see a homeless person, sick person or a sad child. I love you for being exactly who you are and I would never change a thing about that. You are the perfect you in every way.
I celebrate you and all that you have become today and I celebrate the day that I met one of the most amazing people that I’ve ever known. I wish you a lifetime of love and acceptance of yourself, I want you to see and love yourself the way I see you; perfect, just the way you are.
WTF is wrong with people? I have seen some pretty crazy shit in my lifetime but nothing compares to the disturbing letter written by an anonymous Newcastle, Ontario neighbor calling herself, “One Pissed Off Mother”urging the parents of a 13-year-old autistic teen, Max Begley, to “…take whatever non-retarded body parts he possesses and donate it to science…” Going so far as to write the words,
If you read the above letter and your jaw did not hit the ground, I’m not sure that we can be friends. When I read this letter for the first time, first I was in shock, then my heart was broken that someone would say something like this about another human being, never mind a special needs child and lastly, I was pissed off and that is where I am this morning.Hey, anonymous asshole, you are not the only pissed off mother today. I’m pissed off too. Pissed off that animals like you are not kept in cages. Let’s be clear, Max Begley has a disability that he was born with. He has no control over it. YOU.CHOSE.TO.BE.AN.ASSHOLE!!!!!!
The even crazier part is that police won’t be able to pursue hate crime charges for the anonymous letter.
“Despite the hateful language used … the content of the letter falls below the threshold for a hate crime,” police said in a statement Tuesday.
Police are asking anyone with information regarding the case should call Crime Stoppers at 1-800-222-8477 (TIPS and they are still moving ahead with a criminal investigation. This cannot be swept under the rug. These actions were too heinous and reprehensible.
If that is not dripping with hatred, I don’t know what is. This letter is the epitome of hatred.The one good thing to come out of this whole awful ordeal is that the community is rallying around Max and supporting his family. Tolerance and kindness are filling the space where hatred once was.
We all have bad days. Maybe this one pissed off cretin was having a bad day. Maybe her “normal” kids were being monsters and she was trying to get everything around for back-to-school, maybe her husband’s a drunk who beats her, maybe her daddy didn’t love her, maybe she can’t find a job, maybe she’s not slept in 9 years and she’s about to lose her house and maybe she took all her frustration with the world and her life and put it into this letter, viciously attacking and wishing death on a child. Maybe she needs mental help? Even taking all of these conditions into consideration, that is NO excuse to call a child names and tell his parents to do the world a favor and euthanize their son.
As a mother, I am appalled that any other mother would not only lack the compassion it takes to write such a disgusting letter but be so callous in her disregard for this child’s life and for the struggles of his parents. Let me be clear, this “one pissed off mother” is a C You Next Thursday in the worst way and I kinda hope her identity is revealed and the neighbors ostracize her ass right out of the neighborhood. This woman should have her children taken away and her uterus removed because she does not deserve to have children, be around children or humans; big or small.
I am still in shock that any “mother” would ever think such things, never mind, write them down and send them to someone.Why would she think that these parents of Max Begley should take their child and move to a trailer in the woods? Just because he was born with a disability, does that make him less deserving of medical attention and love and life? He has done nothing to deserve this hatred from her other than being vocal in his neighborhood.
This is everything that is wrong with this world. So called “normal” people wanting to lock those of us who are different away in a tower, an institution, a trailer in the woods or a deserted island hidden from the world like some kind of monsters. Just because you don’t see us doesn’t mean that we don’t exist. Just because you ignore us doesn’t mean that we don’t feel and your cruelty cuts deep. You, one pissed of mother, you are the monster!
Anyone who can write the below line has their own set of problems beyond a autistic teen being a vocal “nuisance.”
I HATE people like you who believe, just because you have a special needs kid, you are entitled to special treatment!!!
They do not want special treatment. That is the entire point. They want to be treated like any other family. They want to live in a neighborhood and be a family. It is monsters like one pissed off mother who make this impossible by being cruel, unkind and lacking of human compassion and understanding.
What do you think of this One Pissed Off Mother? What would you do if you were Max Begley’s parents?
This is my love letter from a mother’s heart for my daughters. For all the days of my life, I carry you in my heart. I carry your heart with me and I give you mine in return; a love letter from a mother’s heart. In the few and far between quiet moments of motherhood, I often contemplate what the great lessons are that I want to impart upon my daughters. What wisdom that I can share to make them better people, to make their lives easier and more full before they are grown and I am in the letting go stage.
My hearts I write you this love letter from a mother’s heart,
Live your life with integrity: Do not compromise your beliefs, your faith, and your morals. Fight to win but fight clean. Always stand up for what you believe in, even if it is the unpopular opinion.
Be Yourself: You are the best you that there will ever be. No one can do you like you. You are a one of a kind. You may not always feel that you fit the mold, but that is because you are special. Everyone is special in his or her own way. Know that always.
Live your life honestly: Always be honest with yourself and honest with others. There is no room for lies. It fosters distrust and a disingenuous perception of the kind of person that you are in your life. Wear your honesty with pride.
Family first: Always put family above all else. You may not always like them but always love them. Friends, careers, money will all come and go in your life but when you need unconditional love, and support your family will always be there.
Your sister is your best friend; no matter if you pull one another’s hair today. She will be the one who will hold your hand when you welcome your first baby into the world. She will know your sorrow when your father and I are no longer here. She will keep your secrets and love you always.
Live your life with respect: Have a deep and abiding respect for who you are and others will treat you with respect. Always respect others; beliefs, their choices, and how they carry themselves in the world. You do not have to agree but you cannot condemn a man because his beliefs or ways are not your own. There is room enough for all of us.
Love: Love big and love hard. When/if it doesn’t work out, mourn the loss and move on. You will have many loves in your life, enjoy and experience them all for their purpose. They are making you ready for your great love.
Faith; My child, have the same faith and love for yourself that you do in your friends, your family, and your God. You are amazing!
Be fearless; do not let anyone tell you that you can’t do anything because if you set your mind to something, where there is a will, there is always a way. Always. Perseverance, hard work and dedication to your dreams are the recipe for exhausting potential and pursuing passions. Do this always.
Breathe. Slow down and enjoy the people and experiences in your life. Life is short but it is amazing and the adventures you will have along the journey and the people you will meet can never be replaced. Walk gingerly on your journey of life and do not run the race.
Be happy. If it makes your heart smile and enriches your life do it. Don’t care about what other people think. There are little moments of bliss that we may never know because we are too busy worrying about what others think is relevant. Follow your heart.
With All the Love a Mother’s Heart can hold (to the moon and back again)
I love you and will always be here for you, no matter what you do, who you become or mistakes you may make. A mother’s love is here to pick you up when you stumble when you fall. Therefore, know this always. Even when I am gone you will always be with me in my heart.
This is my love letter to my 11-year-old daughter. It’s hard to believe that the last time I brought a child into the world was 11 years ago today. I didn’t know then that would be the last time. I thought I had more time.
I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was bigger this time than the first time. I could barely see my toes. But we were so excited to take our little family of 3 to 4. I was nervous. I couldn’t sleep the night before the induction because I knew, just like the first time, this baby was going to change everything.
I won’t lie, we had quite the eventful labor and delivery. I knew it wasn’t going to be like the first birth when about 3 hours into the induction, we realized that our video camera wasn’t working. All of this preparation and the camera didn’t work. The Big Guy called his brother who lived a couple hours away and my brother-in-law, who was in doing his residency at the time, somehow cleared his entire day and drove us his camera to use. I will never forget that.
I’ll also never forget that he drove all that way, gave us the camera, wished us luck and drove right back to where he came from. He had no interest in accidentally being present when delivery rolled around. I remember it was funny to me because…he’s a doctor. But I will never forget the huge gesture he did without hesitation he brought us a camera to record our daughter’s birth. He was like a very humble superhero.
I remember laying there in my hospital bed while the Big Guy walked his brother out, about 7 hours into the induction and a broken waters later, looking at my cell phone and seeing a picture of my firstborn and second-guessing the entire thing. What was I thinking? How could I ever love another child as much as I did my first daughter? Was that even possible? I cried. No, I sobbed because all I could think, with my second baby stuck inside me and my first baby at home completely confused at 2-years-old as to where I’d gone off to with my big belly, was that one or both of them were going to feel like they got less love than the other. The thought of it broke my heart.
Eventually, after hours of trying different positions, a nurse had to lay on top of me to help push my Gabs out. I was in labor for what seemed like forever; scared to fail both of my children, certain I was not going to be able to do it and afraid that, unlike the Grinch, my heart wouldn’t grow two sizes. But it did.
From the moment I saw all that black curly hair in the mirror as I was pushing our Gabs into the world, I knew it was going to be alright. Apparently, I am a Grinch at heart. They laid her on my chest, after removing the cord from her neck and her purple body, and I was reminded in that moment how lucky I was to be a mother and what a privilege it was to bring her into this world.
I was reminded again how thin the veil between life and death truly is and I gave myself over to an overwhelming, all-encompassing, everything is going to be alright kind of love, much like I did the first time. In these moments, I’ve been proven that miracles exist and in these miracles, in my baby’s eyes, I see God in his purest form.
Of course, the next day my firstborn daughter came to meet Gabs at the hospital and was so confused and overwhelmed by everything that I checked myself out of the hospital AMA before 24 hours because even though I was basking in the glow of my newborn baby, I knew my 2-year-old still needed me too. This heart doubling in size thing was still new to me and I had to figure out how to live in my new reality of 4. But it was good and Gabs completed us.
This is my love letter to my daughter on her 11th birthday
Gabs,
You are like sunshine on the water. Beautiful, special and breathtaking but a moving target. Just when I think I have you figured out, you grow and move and everything shifts and I have to work to learn to understand you again, from another vantage point.
You were born an old soul. In many ways, you are more mature than your big sister but in many ways, you are still just a little kid. The way you play, laugh and the pattern of your freckles spread out across your cheeks, as your glassy blue eyes smile out at me from beneath a cascade of honey-kissed summer hair, always disheveled, reminds me that you are still a little girl in many ways.
Yet at other times, the words you speak, the soulfulness in your eyes, the crack in your voice when something makes you sad reminds me that soon you will be a woman. You are straddling between the two worlds right now; one foot firmly planted in childhood while the other is stepping into womanhood.
I feel you pulling away, little by little, like the pull of the tide on the waves. I feel myself letting go, gently, like the wisps of a dandelion being blown into the summer sun full of hope and wishes. This is the hard part.
All I want to do is hold on tighter. Reign you in and pull you back close to me but I can’t. I have to let you go so that you know that I trust you. I have to give you freedom so that you can grow and find your way back to me.
Just know that I will always love you, no matter what you do or where you go. I will always be there to pick you up when you need me to. I will not judge you. I will not abandon you. I will not belittle and berate you. I will respect you. You can talk to me about anything and I will listen.
When I look at you, I will probably always, at first glance, see that newborn baby girl with the black, curly hair and the chubby little cheeks. I’ll remember the way you smelled of Johnson’s and Johnson’s baby soap and your baby breath of green apples. But know that I see you, the young woman that you are trying to become. I see the butterfly but I’ll never forget the chrysalis you once were.
This is my love letter to my daughter on her third birthday. Three years ago today, May 21, 2007, I woke up anxious and excited, scared and elated. This was the day I would meet the most precious little lady that I will ever know. This is the day that I met my joy and sunshine.
Three years ago today, I left your big sister at home asleep with Grandma ChaCha while your Daddy and I quietly went off to meet you. But not before she gave you one last kiss before you entered into our world! She was so excited to become a big sister. She celebrated your arrival for the entire 9 months before she ever met you.
Three years ago today, our video camera decided to stop working and your Uncle Jeff had to drive his in from Michigan. He was happy to do it so we could commemorate your birth. Thank goodness or we would have missed filming the entire thing and then how would I show it to you when we have “the talk” someday? A mom’s got to have something left in her arsenal to add a little shock and awe to the tween years. Three years ago today, I was told that you were too big for me to birth and that I was going to need a cesarean section but in an effort to birth you naturally, I endured several different embarrassing and uncomfortable positions to prove them wrong (and I did!) Can you say Texas Roll? With the help of a mirror and a nurse laying across my stomach, you came into the world just a little quiet and slightly purple with the cord wrapped around your tiny neck, just like your sister.
Three years ago today, my heart doubled in size to accommodate all the love that I had in my heart to give to you. I was so afraid that I’d short change you both in the love and attention department, but I worried for nothing. The love wasn’t split in half; the capacity to love doubled.
Three years ago today, my eyes cried tears of overwhelming joy when I first saw your beautiful face and so began a lifetime of stolen moments.
Three years ago today, our family became complete.
Three years ago today, Daddy held you in his arms for the first time and you melted his heart and wrapped him around your tiny little finger, all in the same second.
Three years ago today, Bella became a proud big sister and has loved you every moment since with all the love her little heart could hold.
Three years ago today, I became the Mommy of one of God’s most precious blessings.
Three years ago today (and every single day since)I looked down into the giant big blue eyes of yours and I fell deep into love with my Gabi!
Happy 3rd birthday baby! I love you ( and your sister) right up to the moon and back! No matter what, I love you! Even when you don’t like me…Mommy always loves you!
I Love you so much More than a fat kid loves cake…its insane how much I love you!
Today, May 21, 2010, I love you more than words can give justice to. Everyday that I am blessed to be your Mommy is the greatest day of my life! You are my sunshine, GabiLuci!
This is a love letter to my 3-year-old, what would yours say?
Every year, I write a love letter to my daughteron their birthday because one day, I hope that she’ll read them and get to know me in a different way. The whole purpose of this blog was to write down not only their milestones but my journey through motherhood. One day when she’s a mother, I hope she might like to read them to get to know us both from a different perspective.
Bella,
I loved you from the moment you were a blip on the ultrasound screen. Actually, I loved you before that. I loved you when you were a + sign on a pregnancy stick. I loved you before I even knew how much I could love you.
My heart filled with with so much love and happiness that I was actually dumbstruck for a moment. I couldn’t believe that this was happening to me. That I was going to get to be your mom. I was terrified, I think that’s normal. I was terrified that I was going to let you down.
Then, I watched you being born and held you in my arms and I knew. I knew that I would spend my whole life committed to loving you unconditionally and being the best mom I could be to you. I realize that is defined differently by everybody but for me, it simply meant raising you to know that you were wanted and loved and to be the best kind of human you could be. I wanted you to be happy.
The moment you were born and they lay you on my chest, all warm and gooey, my heart exploded. I was overcome with so much love and happiness that I was simultaneously laughing and crying. I want you to feel that same overwhelming love for your entire life and I promised myself that you would.
Now, you are 12-years-old and we are entering that part of adolescence where you are beginning to feel a little unsure of your place in the world; caught someplace between a child and a teen. Your body is changing and the hormones are making you feel unsure of a lot of things but I hope the one thing that you never doubt is my love for you, it is as strong and as fierce as the day you were born. It never wanes.
I can’t believe that I’ve been a mother for a dozen years. It seems like just yesterday that I was holding you in my arms and staring at you in awe. I couldn’t believe that we made you; our miracle. Now, you are almost as tall as I am. Soon, you will be taller than I am but to me, you will always be that tiny, newborn on my chest. That moment forever imprinted on my soul.
I wanted to tell you 12 things about you this year so one day, you can look back and know these things.
1.6th grade is a crazy transition year and, with the exception of Nutcracker season, you have handled it all with grace, dignity and just a little bit of crying, which is to be expected. I am proud of you. All those A’s, Harvard here we come.
2. Dancing and Singing. You always dance and sing like no one’s watching. You love the theater and everything about it. You joined the Youth Company at ballet. Your dad wanted dedication and I’d say committing to something 5-days a week plus rehearsals and performances has shown us a level of dedication that humbles us. You go girl. I still can’t believe that you’ve been dancing for 10 years. I still remember buying you your first ballet slippers.
3.Your smile. They say the eyes are the gateway to the soul but I can look at your mouth and know everything about you. I know your real laugh, when you think nobody is watching and you are 100% pure happy. I know your smiles; the fake one that tells me to take the picture already, your big one that goes all the way up to your eyes when you are excited like when traveling or chocolate are involved, your pursed lip smile when you want to throw your little sister or anyone for that matter out of the window for doing/saying something stupid and, my favorite, the quivering, tiny smile you get whenever you try to lie to me. You’ve had this tell since you were a toddler and I hate to break it to you, you always will. I can read your face like a book; my favorite book in the world.
4.Friendship. The way you’ve begun to handle your friendships and controversy. Can I just say that I am so proud of the way you rise above gossip? I love that you have your expectations and you stick to them. You are direct and you don’t let toxic people take up space in your life. I hope that never changes. By the same token, I love the way you love your friends like family. You are a good friend. You once told me when you were 4, that to have a good friend you need to be a good friend and I think you are succeeding at both.
5.Disney, I love the way you still love all the things Disney now just as much as you did when you were a preschooler. Every trip to Disney World with you and your sister is a memory that I’ll cherish forever. And, yes, I will have a Disney princess marathons snuggled up on the sofa together with you any day of the week for as long as you ask. Beauty and the Beast on Thursday!
6.Changes, wow, I know you have gone through a lot of not only mental but physical changes this year. It’s rough being this age because everything seems to be changing at warp speed but we’ve been open and honest and I always will be. I’ve got you. As I always say, everything is a teachable moment and you can talk to me about everything no judgement. Hey and the sex talk ambush on the way to school the day before your birthday wasn’t that bad, was it?
7. Standing up for what’s right. This year, I watched you (and your little sister) become activists. You are no longer bystanders in the world, you have opinions and beliefs and you are willing to vocalize them. You are willing to stand up for what’s right, even when it’s not popular. Thanks for standing in line at the polls with me this year. Never forget, women can do anything.
8. Little kids. You are always super sweet to your little cousins. You have always been a nurturing soul. You are very patient and you look at life with a childlike wonder that allows you to relate to children and animals with a tender and kind heart.
9.Wanderlust. I’ve seen the fire ignite within you. My love of travel and yearning to embrace new cultures and people has rubbed off on you. I love the way you thirst for new experiences and new places. You even volunteered to forgo Christmas for travel. That’s my girl.
10. Self-confidence. You exude self-confidence and nothing could make me happier. I love the way you love your body. You still run around the house in your skivvies. There is no shame or second guessing, there is only loving the skin you are in. I pray that never ends. You live life in a big way. You are bold, you are fierce and you are beautiful in every way. You are kind, giving, smart and funny. You love to laugh but never at another’s expense (well, unless it’s me and the way I say cabinet.)
11. Just like Mommy. Maybe you wouldn’t want this to get out but really, I don’t think you care. I love that you ask me what I’m wearing before we go out and you try to coordinate. At an age when I was expecting to be the person you most wanted to not be like, you seemed to have clung to me for whatever reason. I don’t know why and I don’t question it because, silently, I love it. It makes me feel like you like me (the person) not because you have to but because you choose to. That means everything to me. Thank you for not shutting me out.
12. The unencumbered way that you go through life. Ever since you were a wee little one you have always done what you have wanted. You don’t see limitations. You see challenges and you just go for it because there’s never been a doubt that you can accomplish anything you put your heart to. Never forget that.
These are 12 things about you that I love. There are so many more; too many to list. Happiest of birthdays to my Bellabini! You made me a mommy and I will love you forever.
It’s taken me a couple of weeks to post this because I’m still in shock. How did we get here? Time is a cruel bitch, the minutes sometimes seem like an eternity but the years have passed by in what feels like, at best, a slow syncopated blink of an eye. It’s too soon for me to have to start letting go, My heart won’t loosen the white knuckle grip it’s had on you since the first moment I saw those 2 pink lines. You’ve been the love of my life from that second. My mind knows that you’re not mine alone. You belong to yourself, I have just been entrusted the privilege and honor of being your mother in this lifetime.
How could you simultaneously only and already be on this earth for 17 years? You came into the world and changed me forever. You literally changed the woman I was, am and will be. You made me stronger, wiser, kinder, more compassionate and better. You gave me a new and more tolerant view of the world. You taught me what it means to love someone so unconditionally and completely that no ask is too big, no request too small, a thousand years not long enough and nothing can ever change that love. It’s unending, unwavering and all-encompassing. I wouldn’t just take a bullet for you, I’m pretty sure I’d be capable of murder for you. No one told me this was what motherhood is.
As you grow our relationship keeps evolving. At every age, I think I couldn’t love you more and then I discover another level. My heart has an unending abyss of love for you. The older you get, the bigger my love which I find incredible because if anyone would have told me on the day you were born that I could ever love anything more than I did in that heart bursting moment, I would have surely called them crazy because I loved you so completely. But here we are with my heart growing grinch-like 2x each day, hour, minute and second. Boundless is the only word that comes to mind and I hope you’ve felt that in your soul every single day of your 17 years here with me.
I am so proud of the young woman you are becoming. You can literally do anything you set your mind to. I just wish you could see yourself through my eyes so that you could see how truly amazing, smart, beautiful, fierce and breathtaking you really are. Stop comparing yourself to me. I am full of flaws. You are the best part of me. Embrace your humanness. There is no shame in being vulnerable, real, kind, compassionate, honest and real. Perfection does not exist. Just be the best you to you, that’s more than enough. Never measure your worth by someone else. There is only 1 you.
The things you consider weaknesses are actually strengths. There are so many people who cannot recognize or accept their vulnerabilities but you know them, embrace them and work through them which makes you stronger than most adults faced with the same situations.
You will always be my baby big paws and as you grow into a woman, my best friend and one of my all time favorite human beings. Please don’t be afraid to be gloriously you in all your honesty and grit. Continue standing up for what you believe in even when it feels impossible. Don’t back down when you have something to say but remember louder doesn’t always mean better. Use your words as swords to defeat ignorance, bigotry and hatred. Believe in yourself.
Trust your gut and love the Bella you see in the mirror. Most importantly, remember we’ve always got your back. No matter how crazy, out of control the circumstances, we’re on your side. Every second of every day.
Don’t be afraid to try. The worst that anyone can say is no. Every failure is the opportunity to get better and to gain wisdom and fresh perspective for the next time. Love each time with your whole heart. Dance and sing like no one’s watching. Travel the world and meet new people. Never be afraid of new things. Every day is the opportunity for a new beginning. You’re never too old for a new adventure and it’s never too late unless you’re dead. Tell people you love them. Don’t be afraid of the unknown and always believe people when they show you who they are. And don’t ever feel guilty for walking away from people, places and situations that no longer serve a purpose in your life. It’s better to walk away than to hold on to things that hold you back and hurt you.
I love you more than words can ever convey but I tried because words are my love language and I love you more than everything. Even a lifetime wouldn’t be long enough to get to be your mother but know that I cherish every single second that I get to be. Happy 17th Birthday Bella! Wishing you a lifetime of happiness, love, laughter, adventure and the courage and power to chase your dreams! You can do all the things!
As a feminist mom of teenage girls, this is the post that lives in my mind at all times. As a daughter and granddaughter of a mother and grandmother who have always been marginalized by what lies between her legs, I am offended. As a woman who has been judged, juried and punished for being feminine and curvy, I am livid. As a woman who has been sexually harassed and abused by men and afraid for as long as I can remember, I am done. As a woman who thinks and feels and sees and exists, I am outraged. This is my open letter to men on misogyny, abortion, sex and equality
For as long as I can remember, I have walked through the world feeling in danger. In danger of being touched, groped, raped and even assaulted by men. Worse still, I have learned to survive. To make myself small and quiet when I needed to which if you know me, you know is not me. I am not alone.
When strange men on trains, on planes, in clubs, at school, at church, online, at frat parties, walking home from school, playing at a friend’s house, while shopping, while eating, while working, breastfeeding, playing at the park with my children, while living my life and even while sleeping have forced their crude remarks, wandering hands and themselves upon me, I had to learn to escape with the least amount of damage; not unscathed because, as any woman knows, that is impossible. So I made a decision, a long time ago, I refused to raise my daughters to make themselves small and I myself will never again make myself small…because they (my daughters) are watching.
Misogyny
I refuse to raise my daughters to hunch their shoulders, hide their bodies in baggy clothes, feel shame for being attractive or saying no. Not today misogyny. I would not raise them to consider anyone other than themselves when getting dressed. No one else’s opinion on what they wear, their size, shape, hair color, makeup or sexual prowess is any of their business. I taught my girls that they are equal to men and, let’s be honest, in some ways, they’re better. Most importantly, I raised them to respect themselves and their own thoughts and opinions over anyone else’s. That being said, they were taught that everyone else is entitled to their opinions about life but those opinions have no effect on our lives.
My girls know what consent is. I taught them to say no loudly and habitually when they want to. Their body is their body, not mine, not yours and not some random dude who can’t keep his toxic masculinity and hormones in check, not even their husband or boyfriend. Believe me, toxic masculinity comes in more forms than just a rapist in a dark alley or skeevey dudes at the clubs, these men can also be your boss, your priest, your friend, the old man down the road, the boy next door and the guy who’s supposed to protect and serve your community.
I’ve fought the school on dress codes and refuse to have my daughters wear baggy clothes just because it’s too distracting to the boys. Why aren’t clothes that fit enough? Sorry, breasts and butts happen. We all have them.
I’ve fought public opinion on my daughters wearing bikinis when they were toddlers because someone had the audacity to say I was sexualizing my toddlers. No, you pervert are the one sexualizing a child. That’s a “you” problem. I was simply buying a suit that was comfortable for my tall child. Covering her belly button is not more important than preventing discomfort or causing infections. As teenagers, I stand by that statement. What women are wearing is not a concern for men. If it offends you or overstimulates you, overt your fucking eyes. Stop policing us. We don’t police you. Stay in your lane.
Sex
I’ve taught my daughters that sex is beautiful when they are mature enough to handle all that comes with it. We’ve talked about sex since they started asking. It’s not dirty or bad. They are not naughty for being curious. I don’t preach abstinence. I talk about respecting their bodies, themselves, their partners and waiting until they are ready.
I tell them that sex does not equal love. Sex is sex and someone can love having sex with you and not love you at all. I’ve taught them about birth control and responsibility, taking it themselves and demanding it of their partners. Sex with someone you love is beautiful and sex with yourself is cathartic. We don’t slut-shame so I’ve even taught them that we don’t judge and criticize other people’s sexual choices.
Abortion
I am pro-choice and I’ve raised my girls to know why. It’s not that I am pro-abortion or that I’ve had or would’ve ever chosen to have one. It is that I respect women and their lives and it is every single human being’s right to be in control of what happens to their own body. You can argue that you are pro-life because you believe every single life is precious but if that’s your reasoning, what about the life of the girl or woman who finds herself pregnant (for whatever reason, the reason is irrelevant…women should not have to qualify the choices they make for their own bodies to anyone else, especially men) and is not capable of raising it, taking care of it, wanting or loving and providing for it in the way that she wants at that time?
If you are pro-life only for an unborn fetus, then you are not concerned with life (because you have disregarded the woman’s) you are concerned with moral superiority and inflicting your beliefs on others. It’s a power struggle not a pro-life issue. If abortion morally offends you, simply do not have an abortion. Period. While we’re on the subject, can all the politicians please GTFO of our uteruses?
Whatever your belief is, the consequences rest with the woman having the abortion and it’s between her and her God. She will have to live with that choice forever. There is no way around that. If you think the decision to have an abortion is one a woman takes lightly, you’ve never actually asked a woman who has to make that choice. Her decision has no immediate or direct effect on your life. It’s not your business to decide and making abortion illegal will not stop abortions, it will only stop safe abortions which means they will put women’s lives and their future reproductive health in jeopardy.
Equality
My girls are free to make their own choice on which side they choose to support because I respect them, their intelligence and their right to choose. If my daughters ever find themselves unexpectedly pregnant, I will do what any parent should do, I will counsel, love and support them in whatever decision they make for themselves. But at the same time, it’s my responsibility, as a parent, to teach them about respecting their bodies, loving themselves, pregnancy prevention, sexual safety and knowing the difference between love and sex.
Don’t misunderstand, I am not promoting teen sex, promiscuity, unplanned pregnancy or abortion. I am simply saying that these things happen and, in case no one was paying attention, it takes a man and a woman to get pregnant but only the girl or woman is left with the immediate responsibility of raising, caring for and providing for the child because we are the ones who carry it. Men can walk away and pretend it didn’t happen and some do. Men are not the ones paying for the consequences of one night for the rest of their lives, women are.
So until men can be held equally accountable for women’s reproduction, they should have no say in what we do, how we behave or what we choose to do or not do with our own bodies. Women are not property, nor inanimate objects, we are not born to provide care and pleasure for men…we are simply born to live and pursue our own happiness, just like every man.
It’s enraging enough that we are not given equal pay, equal voice or equal respect or rights as human beings. The world teaches little girls that doing anything like a girl is bad, weak and less than. It teaches girls to be quiet, be amiable, smile more and accept the places they’ve given us. Little girls need to be encouraged and empowered to use their voices, stand up and be everything they dream of being without the worry of being oppressed and reduced to their sexuality. Our girls are more. We are more.
This is not about me bashing men. This is me protecting and standing up for my daughters and every other child. These things I am teaching my daughters; need to be taught to our sons as well. Things will never change until we all work together to change the way things are; we have to stop accepting misogyny (in all its forms) as just the way it is. I don’t want my girls to feel scared and afraid of men and boys and I don’t think your boys want my girls to feel that way either. It starts now by refusing to let one more girl make herself feel small and quiet just to feel safe living with girl parts in the world.
She runs up to me and holds my face in her tiny hands, “Mama, I love you foreber and eber. Ok?” Gabs posed everything in question form as a toddler. Still, my heart knew what she meant. She was going to love me as long as I was going to love her. This is our legacy, to love just a little longer.
Since she was born, my personality doppelganger, she simultaneously pushed me away as she pulled me near. I got it. I get it. I am her and she is me. We are the same in so many ways. When she was tiny, so tiny, she wouldn’t let anyone else hold her (except for the Big Guy but still, she preferred me over all else and I loved it.) Everyone else hated it but, secretly, I loved that I was the one she always wanted and I happily obliged. How many evenings did we spend, just the two of us, feeding and her falling asleep in my arms? I could have stayed there in those quiet moments, just the two of us, forever.
But children are like trees, they plant roots but they just keep on growing and evolving; more beautiful and more majestic with each passing year. How I love to watch them grow. It is my greatest pleasure and biggest honor. That’s what being a mom is… letting go and being thankful for the opportunity to be part of something bigger than yourself. They are my legacy.
Still, as I watch my newly/nearly/almost 12-year-old, my heart still pulls toward her and wants to caress her face softly and check that she is breathing, just like I did on all those nights while I watched her sleep as a newborn. I may have even woken her up a few times, just to be able to hold her for just a little longer.
She is growing up to be such an amazing young woman. She is strong, independent, fierce and not fearless but brave. She is scared of a lot of things; mostly big things like death and life and endings and beginnings. She is wise beyond her years. She has the wisdom of a scholar and a heart that loves with no boundaries. I am fascinated by who she is becoming.
She is me and I am her but she is so much better than I could have ever have hoped to be. My Gabs is truly a gift to all who know her. She’s effortlessly witty and funny; charming in her own special way. I only wish that she knew how genuine and one of a kind she is. I watch her from a close distance because she is not the child who wants me to do everything for her. She wants to do everything herself. Its really difficult to choose for a gift but we got the baby gifts buy online at Baby Gift Box for a great and fast service !
Learning from mistakes is where she thrives. Even though I hate to watch her stumble as she grows, her independence only allows me to help her up after she falls. That is the beauty in her. She never gives up. Once she decides what she wants the only thing that can stop her is her and I admire her for that. Her spirit is like an eagle taking flight and I love this kid more than words can adequately convey. I hope she always knows how proud and honored I feel to be her mother.
Gabs,
12-years ago tonight, I held you on my chest for the first time ever. Meeting you will always be one of the most profound moments of my life. I have and will always love you more than everything. You make me proud every single day of your life. Don’t grow up too fast. I want to hold you in my heart and be your favorite person just a little longer. Keep being yourself and making your videos and cracking your jokes. Keep saying what’s on your mind. Never stop dressing and dancing they way you want. You are amazing. You’ll always be my love and my life, sweet girl. I’m going to love you forever and ever, ok?
Today, you are five! Happy birthday, my sweet, precious baby girl. I guess, technically, you are not a baby any longer. You are a gift and I am thankful to God every day for letting me be your mother. You make me laugh when I most want to cry. I would give you the world if I could. I would sacrifice my everything to make you smile. Your little heart is so big that sometimes it swallows me whole. How can such a tiny little girl be so wise beyond her years. You take my hand and hold it in yours when I am sad. I’ve been sad a lot this month. You know. I wanted so badly to give you what you wanted most for your birthday. I wanted to make you a big sister. You have been asking us for years. I tried. I failed. I am sorry.
Your smile lights up my world. The morning you were born, I knew that my life was about to change in huge ways. From the moment you came into my life, you have filled the space with love and joy. I love your nervous little smile and the way you cock and bow your head when you are in a new situation. You get just the littlest bit shy and you pull yourself behind my leg for protection and I LOVE that. I love that you trust me to protect you from the hurts of the world. I hope I can do that for all of my life.
Your tiny arms around my neck, melts my heart. Seeing you asleep gives me hope and a renewed faith in the world. You are more amazing than I will ever be able to convince you of but I will spend my entire life trying. You are beautiful, funny, smart and capable of doing anything you ever want to. I hope you always remember that. I know life is getting more and more hectic each year you grow. This year it was preschool, ballet and soccer; first friends and tiny glimpses of letting go. I know that soon, I will be the last person that you will want to spend your time with and your time will be filled with activities and obligations and the letting go will get more and more frequent. But for today, for just a little longer, you are still my baby. You still fit perfectly in my lap and you will always fit perfectly in my heart.
Five Seconds, five minutes, five hours, five lifetimes will Never be Enough
I see a lot of myself in you. You don’t let people put you in a box. You get scared and then you get mad and then you do it anyways. You have always taken your leaps and then asked for forgiveness. You will never ask for permission. It drives me a little bit nuts because I am so afraid that you will get hurt but secretly, I am so proud of you. You can accomplish anything you set your mind to and that is one of the biggest lessons in life that I have always dreamed of instilling in you and your sister.
The two of you together are best friends and worst enemies in a matter of minutes. But neither of you will ever let anyone else hurt your sister. The ferociousness with which you love and protect one another is something to behold. It’s breathtaking how much you love one another. It gives me comfort knowing that if anything ever happened to your Daddy and I, the two of you will always have one another.
You make me want to be a better person, someone worthy of your love. The spray of freckles that cross the bridge of your nose is the most adorable thing I have ever seen in my life. What I really want to say is simple, I love you..more than words can effectively convey. Each day, I love you more than the last. Today you are five, but in my heart, you will always be my baby.
