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miscarriage, loss

The Quiet Before the Maternal Storm

by Deborah Cruz

stormMoving on after losing a child or a pregnancy, how is it even possible? I know you get up and breathe and take it day by day but it feels more like doing the dog paddle, just to keep your head above water. Yesterday, I was very overwhelmed. I have end of the month deadlines that need to be met, my daughter’s communion is next weekend so I have to clean my house that’s is on perpetual remodel mode and, to be honest, I’m really dreading May 1st ; the anniversary of our miscarriage. How can it be a year already? I’m a little afraid of what and how I will feel on Wednesday.

I’ve been trying to keep the lid on that one because there is so much to celebrate in the next month that feeling so fucking terrible about this feels macabre and ungrateful but it is what I feel. I’m afraid on Wednesday, I’m going to be overcome with grief and the anticipation of that coupled with knowing I’ve got to suck it up by Friday to celebrate my husbands birthday makes me on edge and ready to jump or runaway and hide or just want to be numb.

So yesterday in the midst of robo cleaning and losing the battle, I told my husband, ” I am not happy right now!” Meaning in that moment, in my situation cleaning and dreading and knowing I procrastinated and trying to get through the next few days without sobbing uncontrollably or reacting inappropriately or just screaming for everything to stop and leave me alone!!! I’ve internalized my loss and having to feel like I’m just getting by for so long that I’ve begun to feel bitter towards those who don’t.

My husband’s answer (not knowing any if what’s going on in my head), ” You haven’t been happy for a long time.” He said it quietly, gently and with an awareness that I lack and with complete acceptance. I was, quite frankly, knocked on my ass because I thought I’ve been doing a pretty good job of faking being okay for the past year.

Of course, I’ve been happy. My daughters make me happy, being married to my best friend makes me happy, being together in our home, the opportunities that have opened up to me, to all of us, in the past year, make me happy. But it’s always tinged with just a little bit of sadness knowing what I’ve lost; something, someone, that I cannot replace leaving in its place a void that cannot ever be filled by anything. Not ever.

I’m trying to move on but it feels like I’m stuck in quicksand. I don’t cry every day anymore, the 1st if the month no longer cripples me monthly and I do have real moments of happiness where I completely forget for a second or two that someone is missing from our family and then it comes back to me like the tide rushing in from the sea. At first, it gently makes contact and startles me and then it swallows me whole and I can barely breathe.

Life is short. There is never enough time to say and do the things that matter the most because we don’t realize the last moments were the last moments until its too late. I’m trying to be more present and out if my head. I don’t want my legacy to my husband and children to be that “she was never happy” because I am happier than I ever expected to be. I just need closure and, honestly, I don’t know how to get it or if it is even possible.

How do you say goodbye to someone you never met?

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Mrs.D 2013/04/29 - 12:31 pm

That last sentence, the question, is something I ask myself often. I had a miscarriage 3 years ago – and I hardly even knew I was pregnant, it wasn’t planned, yet I felt broken inside.. Like a piece of me was ripped out. I think of him or her often – more so that I’m pregnant with a baby that should be my second, not the first, but it’s gotten a little better, a little easier every year.. Not that I miss him or her less, but that the happy moments are more evident.. The grief has dulled to an ache — one that hits me hardest on what would have been his or her due date.. Having lost the baby so early – with no knowledge of whether it was a girl or boy made it hard for me to find closure.. But, it does get easier.. I’ve heard many people plant a tree or something like that to memorialize the baby..
Anyways, thinking of you.

Deborah Cruz 2013/04/29 - 3:08 pm

THank you for your kind words and I am so sorry for your loss. I am happy that you are pregnant with your second child. I wish you many blessings. The due date was very hard for me. This is the first anniversary of the loss and I just don’t know what Wednesday will bring. I feel all those emotions bubbling to the surface. I feel a subtle emptiness in my heart. I wanted to send up a lantern or balloons or something to mark that he/she was here and I haven’t forgotten but I don’t want to open that wound for my daughters.I;m torn

Kristen Mae 2013/04/29 - 8:54 pm

I will be thinking of you this Wednesday… <3

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[…] I went numb. Numb and quiet like the green sky before a tornado destroys everything in its sight. I had cried so much that I felt weak to my very soul. I became too tired and weary to […]


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