Moving on after losing a child or a pregnancy, how is it even possible? I know you get up and breathe and take it day by day but it feels more like doing the dog paddle, just to keep your head above water. Yesterday, I was very overwhelmed. I have end of the month deadlines that need to be met, my daughter’s communion is next weekend so I have to clean my house that’s is on perpetual remodel mode and, to be honest, I’m really dreading May 1st ; the anniversary of our miscarriage. How can it be a year already? I’m a little afraid of what and how I will feel on Wednesday.
I’ve been trying to keep the lid on that one because there is so much to celebrate in the next month that feeling so fucking terrible about this feels macabre and ungrateful but it is what I feel. I’m afraid on Wednesday, I’m going to be overcome with grief and the anticipation of that coupled with knowing I’ve got to suck it up by Friday to celebrate my husbands birthday makes me on edge and ready to jump or runaway and hide or just want to be numb.