As a parent, how do you begin letting go?
Today, my firstborn, my first baby, the little ball of warm, fuzzy goodness that came into my world and flipped it upside down, the very same kid who turned me into the woman I was always meant to be, made me a mother. That beautiful, amazing, smart, funny, caring, loving little girl turns 9-years-old and my heart is full and busting wide open. I get a bit of an emotional wreck every year at this time. I know growing up means one day she will be a grown woman living on her own with children of her own, maybe somewhere far away from me. That thought is like a dagger to my fragile mommy heart…today.
When did this sweet, docile baby who clung to my finger for dear life as I held her in a crowded room or became inconsolable the moment I left her sight become this independent, headstrong, prepubescent goddess? She is truly everything good, kind and beautiful in the world. She’s made my life better since the day I knew she was part of it.
My little bean, even though she is not so little anymore, has made me into a better version of myself; a kinder and gentler woman. She deserves doting and inspirational. She deserves a mother who loves her completely and unconditionally with honesty and integrity. She deserves safety, advocacy and everlasting admiration. She deserves a mother who makes her feel like she can do anything in the world and knows that even if she fails, she should always try and even if she doesn’t succeed this time, she can cry on her mom’s shoulder and I will lift her up to try again.
My daughters are my life. I am not ashamed to admit it and on days like today, I am painfully aware of just how brief this part of motherhood lasts. Just yesterday she was being born, learning to walk, talk and I was the most important person in the world to her.
Today, she depends on me a little less to survive and our relationship is evolving and changing every single day. My role is changing. But there is one role that will never change, I will always love her more than everything and I will always try my damnest to help her achieve her dreams no matter how big or small. I’ve begun joking with her and her sister that I am in the business of making dreams come true for the two of them. This past weekend, that meant a kick ass Frozen birthday party.
It took me a couple months to prepare for. It took a lot of thought and perusing Pinterest but it was totally worth it. There was food and cake and beautiful decorations all punctuated by lots of love and family and best friends. My, not so little, little girl woke up on Saturday morning after a night fueled by excitement and anticipation. The house was transformed into a magical winter wonderland fit for a Queen. Her sister and she oohed and aahhed and then it was time for her metamorphosis into Queen Elsa.
Bella, you are my sunshine and my heart. I love you to the moon and back…I love you so much more than that! No matter what you do, where you go or who you become my love for you will never change. Happiest of 9th birthdays, my wonderful girl. XOXO