The TRUTH About Motherhood

Category: Confessions

Firework
It’s Tuesday but it feels like a Monday around here today.After last week’s Raw beginning, I’ve made a conscious decision and concerted effort to turn this back around and get back to my Revolution inciting attitude. I was driving home from kindergarten drop off this morning and, just like every morning, this song came on right as I was about 3 minutes from my doorstep. It hit me like a lightening bolt, I’m adopting this song as my new Anthem. I think it should be the loud and proud anthem for every Mommy. Next time it comes on the radio, crank that sucker as loud as it will go and sing your heart out. Because “baby, you’re a firework!” Listen to the lyrics, your fire is still in there.It may be buried under diapers and laundry and everybody else’s needs but Mama, it’s in there. “Cause there’s a spark in you, You just gotta ignite the light, And let it shine!” You can be and do whatever you set your mind to. You make human beings, nothing is impossible for you. Come on, I’m tired of being a fizzled out punk.I want to be a big blaring firework in my own life. Time for exhausting potential and realizing dreams. Who’s with me? ” Boom, boom, boom, Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon, It’s always been inside of you, you, you, And now it’s time to let it through!”
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in
Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there’s still a chance for you
Cause there’s a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ’em what your worth
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you’re a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gonna leave ’em fallin’ down-own-own
You don’t have to feel like a waste of space
You’re original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe you’re reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it’s time, you’ll know
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ’em what your worth
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you’re a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gonna leave ’em fallin’ down-own-own
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It’s always been inside of you, you, you
And now it’s time to let it through
Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ’em what your worth
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you’re a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gonna leave ’em goin “Oh, oh, oh!”
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
2011/01/18
RAW

If you have landed here tonight looking for whimsy, snark, or a mommy truism; you may want to stop reading. No, tonight is a post for me. Sometimes you just need a post where you can get it all out of your system; where you can rage, wallow, and come out the other end a stronger, better person for surviving. That’s what this post is going to be. This is me trying not to drown. If you are a woman and you’ve ever felt swelled up, rolled, and pinched into the corner that is your life and the gravity of reality has hit you all at once like a ton of bricks, this may be a post you can relate to. If not, I am happy for you.You are dismissed…
Today, I woke up after 10 full hours of sleep. Probably the most peaceful rest I’ve had in months, truly. My sleep is about as effective and complete as my 3 year old cleaning her room.Some things may get moved around, she goes through the motions, but in the end, the effort was useless.The room is NEVER any cleaner,but there is a perceived sense of “cleaned”..but not really. Every night, I more or less pass out from exhaustion than drift off into peaceful slumber.When I do go to sleep, its that Mommy one eye open, both ears functioning like dogs, and I wake if the dog farts in another room..across the house. It’s just the way I’m built. Probably much like you. But last night was different,last night..I relaxed before bed time ( like I did before kids), I watched a movie, and a let myself “fall” into sleep. It was glorious. I always took that for granted but it really is a wonderful thing to experience. But then I woke up.

Funny thing about a full night of restful sleep.It gives your mind time to rest, relax, repair itself and, heaven forbid, in my case, think clearly. I woke up this morning and the fog had lifted off my brain.Anyone who’s followed me for any length of time, knows my story. Quick recap; The Big Guy lives in another state Sunday through Friday ( due to work location)for the past 11 months. We (myself and my two littles) live here ( due to several external factors). He comes home on Friday nights ( this is my Christmas each and every week). It is hard. Really, really hard…on all of us.But we’ve been doing it for so long that I am on autopilot most days.Basically, living for the next Friday, the month, the year when this horrible living arrangement is over.Always, looking toward the end in sight.Worst of all; I love my husband.I honestly, truly; really love my husband and more than that I like him.
But this morning, with the fog dissipated and my brain functioning at full capacity, all of the sudden reality slapped me right across the face with the force of freight train and I could no longer restrain myself from facing reality. I had to get it out.I tried to hold it in. After all,the Big Guy is in this same situation and I try not to let on how hard this is for me. I admit to having a mini meltdown every 3 months or so, but this was like nothing I’ve ever felt. It was overwhelming, raw pain. It was like losing someone, or something and then I realized..I am. We are being robbed of our life together. It’s NOT fair.
I guess I should tell you the whole story of this morning.I woke up fine and then, I realized it was Sunday ( which means the Big Guy is leaving..again) which normally leaves me with a knot in the pit of my stomach but today it was like somebody stabbed me in the chest. At that very moment, I was making breakfast for the girls who have decided that they are going to refuse me everything I offer them, at least three times. And that is what cracked me. I started to tear up, I couldn’t eat because I couldn’t swallow anything with that giant lump in my throat and I walked away so the girls wouldn’t see. My emotions were overwhelming me.I was drowning.
Then lunch rolled around, I served the girls lunch..same thing.They didn’t like what it was, why did I give them this;I should know better; and they both refused again. To which, the weight was too much and I broke. I started to cry this time, part anger; part despair; part frustration. Then I went to the bathroom and I cried for what seemed like forever but I think it was more like 45 minutes.Every time, I thought I was done I’d remember one more piece of shit that was piled on my plate. Finally, I pulled it together enough to come out of the bathroom.The Big Guy was concerned and checking on me, I think he thought I was trying to escape down the toilet bowl. I felt as though I had some catharsis, crying my heart out..there in my desperately needing to be cleaned bathroom. Then I came out.
He had sent the girls to their rooms and the Big Guy was helping me take down the Christmas tree in silence and then I opened my mouth to speak. My heart was heavy, so heavy that I felt as though trying to force the words out of my mouth might choke me to death but I had to do it. He stood there in silence and listened as I fought for my life. I told him how I have no one to talk to and I’m all alone. I told him how I’ve been so busy trying to be strong for everyone else that I’ve neglected to deal with my own feelings. I opened up about how hard this is on me and the girls. How they are acting out in anger to the situation.They are hurt, they are confused. I explained how I feel like a failure as a mother because I am so tired, and so busy and always patching just to get by instead of nurturing because it’s all I can do to get by from one day to the next. I told him how I am overwhelmed by never having enough money because we are living in separate places, leading separate lives. I told home how much that bothers me. I told him how I feel like a failure at my dreams because its just one more thing that I don’t have time for. I feel like I am not utilizing my opportunities in a way I am supposed to. I see my friends, my age, achieving their goals, managing their families, making head way on their dreams…I feel like I am banging my head on a wall..a brick wall…falling short in every single category. On top of all that, the thing that I think actually made the weight too much to bear, the plans we had to be together this summer has been put on hold. We had a place to stay but now that choice is no longer an option (one of the reasons I hate putting my happiness in the hands of others). So now, the end in sight that has kept me going all these months..is gone. This was too much today. This broke me..but only for a day.
I’ve got it all off my chest,I cried, I screamed, I raged and now,I am moving on. Just one more thing I feel like a failure at, I am always positive. I am a half full type of girl. I always believe that everything is possible through hard work and determination and I truly believe that. I do, with all my heart, but my problem is I haven’t been acknowledging the situation. I’ve been so busy getting through it that I’ve not been dealing with it. This is me, feeling sorry for myself…for 24 hours, acknowledging, admitting that it is HARD, sucking it up and moving on. I will not be defeated. This situation has not broken me, as I first thought; it has bent me, it has rattled me and I will move forward stronger with an ever greater determination. I make my own success and happiness; that is what I am focusing on. I will tread water until I regain my strength to swim, but I will not drown.
Have you ever felt like you were overwhelmed in your life? In motherhood? How do you deal with it? What do you do to get over the hurdles of motherhood and life?
2011/01/10
How do You Know if You’re Ready to be a Parent?
After falling backward into marriage with a wonderful man, more than I could’ve ever asked for in a person to love me, 5 years later I was getting a little worried. I wasn’t worried about the marriage. I was worried about what came next; babies. How do you know if you’re ready to be a parent?
There was no time frame on any of it but I knew, in my heart, that one day I would be married with children. I never doubted it or considered it wouldn’t happen.
One small problem, I met the man of my dreams when I was least expecting him. He asked me to marry him, when I was even less expecting it. I said yes, to the shock of myself and everyone else. You see where I am going with this?
Life just kept tossing me those lovely wonderful curve balls. I went with it and it all seemed to be playing out perfectly. My life was everything I never knew I’d always wanted, served on a silver platter. One thing was missing, a baby.
But, how do you know if you’re ready to be a parent?
It wasn’t missing because I had misplaced it or some unfortunate fertility issues. We weren’t so busy with our careers that we had forgotten about it. What happened was I married a man who wasn’t sure if he wanted children or not. I know it sounds crazy that I would have even considered marriage when I was so certain about this one aspect of my life. I knew I needed to be a mother, at some point, the way I know I need to breathe air. But he wasn’t totally sure that he didn’t want children, I am an eternal optimist, and we took a chance. Actually, I’d say it was more like the biggest gamble of my life because if things hadn’t worked out as they did, my story would be very different. Probably a lot more like Elizabeth Gilbert’s and a lot less like Truthful Mommy’s.
I remember feeling a lot of trepidation the summer of 2004. It had finally sunk it that maybe this wasn’t going to happen and then big decisions were going to have to be made. Decisions that neither of us wanted to even consider. So we vaguely discussed and kind of decided to plan to plan to have a baby. You know…maybe sometime in that not predetermined future. Personally, in retrospect, I think we were biding our time. He was trying to put off something he still wasn’t sure about and I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I was trying and praying to keep hope alive in my heart. That was the summer of our 5-year anniversary.
We planned a romantic getaway to New Orleans. It was magical. I’m sure it had a lot to do with the “we’re on vacation” mojo and the ginormous hurricanes they serve in the French Quarter but we had a heart to heart and decided that we were both on board to plan to plan to have our mythical baby…one of these days. We walked around the Garden district holding hands and talking about how awesome it would be to live there. Spent nights walking together, gazing at the stars, eating rich foods on Jazz cruises in the Mississippi. We lingered in the French Quarter drinking all that life had to offer before coming back to our hotel to bask in one another’s love multiple times* wink*wink*
Then we returned home. Our marriage stronger than ever, our faith in each other renewed, our love undivided and then…I started puking and puking….and puking some more. Our plan to plan had been foiled and replaced by actual living in the now! We were both scared witless, shitless and sideways and oh, yeah excited. Me more excited; him more scared witless. For a couple months, I was wondering how this was all going to play out. Don’t get me wrong, he was very involved.
We did everything together. I read the pregnancy journal to him every night, so we knew what was going on with our baby. He read and sang to my belly. He was at every appointment. He got choked up at the heartbeat. He catered to my every pregnancy whim. He did everything right but for some reason. I felt like he felt like I had sprung this on him. I was too afraid to bring it up because, honestly, I was afraid of what his answer was going to be. Then I wasn’t sure if it was really fear or some kind of crazy hormonal paranoia. So I just went on basking in my glow and praying every night that he REALLY was too. It felt too good to be true, so I was sure something was afoot.
3 days before Christmas we went to have a 3-D confirmation ultrasound done because I HAD to know what the sex of the baby was going to be. They had told me a girl but said they could be wrong because of leg placement. The doctor had tried 3 times to get a definite sex reading and always the same. She was a good Catholic girl even in utero, closed legs and a middle finger to the world. I was so nervous, I vomited.
It was the big day; I was going to finally know the sex of our baby…our accidental, planning to plan love child. The image came up and we saw our baby in 3-D and I knew…we were ready. He was ready. He was happy. He was ECSTATIC. I had my answer, not about the sex of the baby but the answer to a much bigger question.
Then Christmas came. I didn’t care what I received under the tree because I had already gotten my gift, three days earlier in the ultrasound room. I had gotten peace of mind. All the gifts were open and the Big Guy disappeared. Then he came back in with a huge, beautifully wrapped box and he placed it in front of me. “For me?” I asked. “No, it’s for the baby. I bought it a few months back to surprise you!” I opened the box and inside it was the most beautiful Burberry diaper bag that I had ever seen, through my tear filled eyes. He said, “a few months back”. I had worried for nothing. This is one of my favorite and most cherished holiday memories of all of my existence.
2010/12/26
How the Grinch almost Stole Mommy
The holidays for me are usually all warmth and fuzziness, mostly. Don’t get me wrong they are chocked full of craziness but right underneath the surface of all the chaos, complete happiness is bubbling its way to the surface and about to spill over. But for some reason, this year things feel… off. It all looks great on paper, we are doing all the things that should be done to make wonderful memories for our girls but for some reason, I don’t feel like my heart is in it. I don’t feel the bubbly goodness rising to the top as it should be this far into December.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I am watching the finances closely since this year has been full of new jobs, relocations and maintaining separate households, which is nothing to speak of the fact that our whole life has been suspended and not quite right with the Big Guy not living here. Maybe my lack of enthusiasm has something to do with being overwhelmed by the to do lists and not enough time to accomplish the tasks at hand. I have been buried under snow for most of December and there’s been no time for shopping, baking, enjoying. Its been a series of appointments and dates. Truly, I feel like my girls are being jipped out of their Christmas. I’ve been so caught up in all the obligations that I’ve been snapping at my girls and firing snark from my mouth like an AK-47.I know on more than one occasion, lately, I’ve given them the “are you retarded?” look and may have even said something to that effect, but not quite as awful. But the sentiment was there and that is as guilty as saying the words themselves. Thoughts become words and words become actions.Well, even thinking that makes me a really horrible Grinch of a mother, in my book. I don’t want to be THAT person.I don’t want my girls to think it even fathomable that I could mean such awful words.The thought of them believing that I think they are anything less than amazing or that my love is conditional upon whether or not they are pleasing to me, makes me sick to my stomach.I want to be happy, excited and gay. I need to get my warm fuzziness boiling back over. I want to spread it all over my children like warm molasses.
Christmas is not about things to do, places to be or presents to open; Christmas is about love, peace and people.I want my girls to look back on their childhood Christmases and remember the cuddles in front of the fire, spontaneous Christmas cookie baking, making fudge with Daddy, snowball fights, and watching Christmas Movies; staying up late to put cookies out for Santa and going to mass with the whole family.It’s firsts snows and snow angels.It’s togetherness.It’s a series of moments that form a lifetime. I want it to be a feeling in their heart.I want it to be the spirit of something larger than us; of hope, love and joy. I’m clearing out the clutter of my life and my mind and going forth, my only true obligation is going to be to see to it that my girls are happy.Everything else is secondary.
Fah who for-aze! Fah who for-aze!
Dah who dor-aze! Dah who dor-aze!
Welcome Christmas, Welcome Christmas,
Come this way! Come this way!
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2010/12/08
When Happiness hits You like a Train…
This song is the beat that my soul is dancing to in the rain these days. It is ferocious and pulchritudinous. All encompassing agony and panoptic ecstasy all in one moment. It IS the moment that you truly love someone, it is sweet repose and cacophonous awakening.
It is your heart exploding to make room for all the love that it is about to give and receive. It is adrenaline, breath seizing fear, all embracing passion; it is everything. It is nothing.It is genteel and savage.
It postulates that you obstreperously shout and church whisper simultaneously.It is a sublimely religious experience.It is the air that you breathe in to sustain you, the water that quenches your exsiccating thirst, the nourishment that feeds the vast gaping hole in your heart. It is excruciatingly beautiful and awe-inspiringly ugly, a choir of halcyon angels and the torturous scream of the banshee concurrently.
It sets your soul on fire and compels you to wrap yourself in its engulfing flames. It makes you audacious and at the same time paralyzingly terrifies you.
It is death and birth.
It is life, it is here… all we need do is open our hearts and our minds to it.
It is too beautiful for words.
Dog Days Are Over
Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink
The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run
Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your loving, your loving behind
You cant carry it with you if you want to survive
The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
‘Cause here they come
And I never wanted anything from youExcept everything you had and what was left after that too, oh
Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than
that
The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
‘Cause here they come
Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your loving, your loving behind
You cant carry it with you if you want to survive
The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
‘Cause here they come
The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run
Florence & the Machine
2010/12/07
Thanksgiving~ I am Thankful
Thankful~ Today is one of my favorite holidays of the year. Why, besides loads of awesome food, is it my absolute favorite, you ask? Because Thanksgiving is the holiday that we host! Yes, myself, the Big Guy and our girls host 30 or so of our beloved family members at our house. God bless them, everyone of them live out of town at least an hour and a half drive but its our annual Truthful Mommy & Big Guy Thanksgiving celebration and it is amazing. My parents, his parents, our brothers and sisters, their spouses and children, grandparents and any friends or extended family that needs or wants to stop by. Our Thanksgiving celebration is complete craziness but it is beautiful and warm. I get the warm fuzzies just thinking about their arrival. So, today in commemoration of these wonderful people and the sentiment behind this holiday, I am listing what I am thankful for on this Thanksgiving.
Thankful for my Many Blessings
Thankful; Family & Friends together
Thankful for the MOST Wonderful Time of the Year
2010/11/25
Impostor in the House of Mommy
Some days I wonder what am I doing? Who have I become? What have I done to deserve this? Whose life am I leading?Really, whose life am I leading?Someone please tell me and when the hell did I become someones Mommy and wife?
We all compare ourselves to other Mothers.They are our gauge. They are who we measure our self against when we are alone in our thoughts.Most likely we feel like we are coming up short.At least I do, on those days when the whole thing feels like its a house of cards and I have sneaked into the game but have absolutely no idea what he hell I am talking about or doing. I feel like I will be discovered for my deceit at any moment and my rouse will be ousted for all the world to laugh at.This is motherhood for me. I do have moments where I feel like damn, I am doing a stellar job.I am kicking ass at this gig and then I remember that I forgot to brush my 3 year olds teeth…again or that I forgot to read my 5 year old’s library book that has to go back today or we are having cereal for dinner..AGAIN. Or when they are both having meltdowns and arguing with me simultaneously and I lose it. Those are the shameful moments.The moments that I want to crawl into a cave, fall into a pool of snot and tears, and wave my white flag admitting defeat.
But who, WHO is going to do this job better than me? Who else is going to love my children with their everything; I love my kids with my entire being.That is why they can make me crazy and break me down.That is why I feel like a failure. That is why my standards are set so high. Not because I love them less but because I love them more than I know how to express. When Motherhood is good it is blissful, when my girls are sweet little angels and we are cuddling up watching some Disney movie while munching on pizza and milk or lying in bed at night, quiet and still like Gods most precious creature. These moments , I almost can’t stand how wonderful they are.These are the moments that make me question why I don’t have 6 kids like my Mom. But when its bad, its gut wrenching and mind fucking and it hurts..bad.I don’t think there is anything quite as awful for a Mother than being overwhelmed and exhausted and having to be helpless as your child runs a 105 degree temperature. You do everything you possibly can, while your hurt breaks for a whimpering child and you wait for something worse to happen.Or having to lie on top of your 3 year old little boy to hold him down as they do a spinal tap on him for his leukemia and hear him scream “I hate you Papi” as he cries helplessly and lashes out at the only person he knows that loves him so unconditionally that it doesn’t matter what he says, Papi will still love him.The helplessness is crippling.
So, when I feel like I am an impostor in the house of Mommy I have to remind myself that I am human, first and foremost. No one is perfect. We are not born Mommies. We are not sent off to school to train for this job. There is no license or certificate of achievement. There is only loving..lots and lots of loving , growing and learning. What makes you feel like a spy in the house of Mommy? What do you do when you feel overwhelmed and under qualified for this job? What makes you feel accomplished? What do you do with your children that you know is right and amazing? Now, go forth and love your munchkins because no body can do that better than you!Breathe…. Happy Mothering!
2010/11/17
Dear Me: Love Letter to My 13-year-old Self
Dear Debi (the 13-year-old with a skewed body image),
Hold your head high.You are beautiful even with a mouth full of silver.Don’t hide your smile in Freshman gym class. Smile big and hard with those big shiny braces, because one day that smile will light up the world for two of the most incredible little people that you will ever know.
Laugh your goofy Ricky Riccardo laugh because one day the man of your dreams will find it as endearing as you find it disgusting.
Write in your journal, put pen to paper and remember these moments because they are what will make you who you will become. Be fearless!
Try everything, go for your dreams, exhaust your potential.
Walk tall my love, 5’7″ may feel enormous at your age when you are towering over all the boys but in a couple of years, they will all be taller than you.
Little Girl with poor body image
Your value in life is not measured by the size of your jeans and comparing yourself to others is a pointless waste of time. Besides, you are never as big as you think you are and eating disorders and body issues are so not the way to go. With it, comes years of shame and guilt and it will take years to undo the damage that you will do to your body.In the end, it only makes things worse.
Be the best you that you can be, that’s enough. That’s better than enough, its exhausting potential and being comfortable in your own skin. It’s amazing.It is more important than I can even make you understand. It is the kind of knowledge that I’ve had to learn the hard way.
No matter what box you have been put into by people and society, you are free. Your horizons are boundless. Your potential is limitless.
Breathe little girl, there is plenty of time for growing up, embrace yourself. You are the perfect you and what seems momentous today and earth-shattering will pass and make you stronger.
Love yourself with the reckless abandon that you would give anyone else who has a special place in your heart.You deserve it!
Sing at the top of your lungs, dance like nobody is watching, love like you’ve never been hurt, and laugh like Ricky Ricardo!
Love,
Your Older, Wiser Self
Imagine a world
…where every girl grows up with the self-esteem she needs to reach her full potential.
…where every woman enjoys feeling confident in her own beauty.
…where we all help to build self-esteem in the people we love most.
Dove,Thanks for this wonderful campaign.It makes my heart soar to know that the world will be a better place for my girls because of it.

My body image is bigger than just my reflection in the mirror

2010/10/26
Honey, we need to talk
When I was in my 20’s, I felt I was too young to have kids.When I actually did have my first girl, in my early 30’s, I was planning to plan to have a baby. Then we planned Gabs and after 1 month of actively trying, we were pregnant. When is the right time? There really is no right time. It’s like that moment right before the wax is removed from your upper lip, its scary as hell but sometimes you’ve just got to pull the trigger or you’ll never accomplish anything. If we were all to afraid of the certain pain it takes to remove the wax, we’d all be running around either with hot wax or hair on our upper lips. Am I too old to have any more? Has my womb become a cavernous black hole filled with cobwebs and brittle remnants of my past? These are the thoughts that plague my mind in my 5 seconds of free time every single day, lately.
I don’t feel 38, I feel the same as I did when I was 25 but much, much wiser in the ways of the world, relationships, and myself. After Gabs was born, we were conflicted whether or not to have another baby. After all, we already had these 2 perfect little girls and, at least me, felt that to have any more might be getting greedy.The Big Guy and I discussed it and decided to make a decision by the time Gabs was 2.Two came and went and it was basically accepted that we were a family of 4. We both breathed a sigh of relief that we had made a decision…sort of. Gabs is now 3 and I am not sure what I feel anymore.
The Big Guy occasionally makes a joke that we need to have ” a boy”..you know our illusive unicorn baby. I’m not sure if he’s joking just to drive me insane or if he actually might want another baby.It starts getting hard when you see that your babies are no longer babies. Bella’s in kindergarten and it feels like she already has one foot out of the door. Every day she becomes more and more independent. I realize that is what we want to happen. She is amazing but with each new miracle and milestone she performs, we know its only a matter of time that she is no longer in need of our immediate care. Then there is Gabs, who is just so sweet and lovable and squishy but each day I can see her getting her big girl face and it breaks my heart. She is picking up everything at lightening speed because she is her sister’s little clone.
Lately I have noticed myself wondering what if? How would this be? How would our lives change? I just don’t know if its a genuine hunger for another baby or is it not wanting to have my options closed or am I just feeling the twitches of my uterus a little more than usual because my girls are growing up so quickly? How do you know when you are absolutely done? Obviously, it will start with a serious talk with the Big Guy.It’s a little hard to broach the subject when I’m not sure how I feel myself and he’s only here on the weekends. That’s a pretty serious topic to hit him over the head with when he walks in the door on a random Friday evening.
Then there is the factor that no matter how old I may feel, I am, in fact, 38. I always told myself no ba
bies after 35. It was like this magical stopping point because of risks and statistics. Of course, I have spoken to my doctor and she says that I am perfectly healthy and another baby would not be an issue. Then again, there are NO guarantees in life. None! Have I mentioned to you that I am a complete control freak.Then I get that feeling of tempting the fates, again.I am so conflicted. To be clear, there is no baby in the works. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately and I thought you ladies could weigh in.So, my question to you …what’s too old to get pregnant? How did you know that you were done having babies..for certain? I just keep having a feeling that I am supposed to be the Mommy of 3 but that could just be the baby pictures I just looked at talking. But how could these pictures not make your uterus twinge?
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You do have to admit, we do good work! Look at those gorgeous little girls!
2010/10/12
Five questions, hopping, fawking and a whole lot of sunshine!
It’s another gorgeous 77 degree October day. Leaves are turning, sun is shining, and the campus is buzzing with excitement for tomorrows home game. I love these last glimpses of summer. I love walking outside with sweatshirts and the temperature being just perfect and the air crisp. I especially love Friday’s because there is no school tomorrow, no work, and a whole lot of togetherness.Hope you are all enjoying the pumpkin bread, apple cider, caramel apples, and all the comforting wonderment of carbs and sugar that autumn brings! Everything in moderation my friends, except for love and hugs.The skies the limit!Happy Friday!
1. What do you listen to while driving? If the kids are in the car, radio Disney , Wiggles, Laurie Berkner or Yo Gabba Gabba! If it’s just me, I play whatever I want…really,really loud!

2. What is your least favorite thing about Fall? I really love fall but if I had to pick one thing, I’d say the smell of wet maple leaves, its right up there with the smell of wet dog!

3. What does your dream house look like, inside and out? I don’t have enough time or imagination to answer that but from shopping around I’d say something around 5000 sf, 3 floors + walkout basement, huge master with sitting area and huge master bath, 4+ bedrooms,4 baths, play room, bar,LR, DR, family room off of ginormous modern kitchen, sunroom, loft area, brick, with large deck and patio leading to inground pool, play area with loads of trees and an English garden.

4. Would you ever own a minivan? NOT EVEN IF HELL FROZE OVER!!! This is my Mommy mobile that I want

5. Do you wash new clothes before wearing them? I used to for the girls, but I don’t for the Big Guy or myself.

Now for my FAWK YOU’s
FAWK You to the fact that Gabs told me the other day that she saw Bella in the hallway, when Bella was at school. Fawk you because this picture makes me wonder what the hell she actually really saw.
NO,it was not photo shopped
- Fawk you to all the running that I have had to do.
- Fawk You to a gas leak downtown and having to evacuate school during a field trip!WTF?
- Fawk You to being exhausted all the time!
- Fawk You to having an awesome day in October, walking around a beautiful Notre Dame campus and forgetting my camera!
- Fawk You to me for being on the fence and not knowing what I want right now.
- Fawk You to one more weekend that we have to travel!ARGH!
- Fawk You to me for calling my sister in the after noon of her birthday, when I certainly should have called her first thing in the morning!Sorry, Meli!Love you, little sis. Hope that NYC is a blast!
- Fawk you to me for being so busy that I didn’t even get to post yesterday:(
- SUPER DUPER FAWK YOU to long ass weeks, and very short weekends!
2010/10/08