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Impostor in the House of Mommy

by Deborah Cruz

Some days I wonder what am I doing? Who have I become? What have I done to deserve this? Whose life am I leading?Really, whose life am I leading?Someone please tell me and when the hell did I become someones Mommy and wife?

We all compare ourselves to other Mothers.They are our gauge. They are who we measure our self against when we are alone in our thoughts.Most likely we feel like we are coming up short.At least I do, on those days when the whole thing feels like its a house of cards and I have sneaked into the game but have absolutely no idea what he hell I am talking about or doing. I feel like I will be discovered for my deceit at any moment and my rouse will be ousted for all the world to laugh at.This is motherhood for me. I do have moments where I feel like damn, I am doing a stellar job.I am kicking ass at this gig and then I remember that I forgot to brush my 3 year olds teeth…again or that I forgot to read my 5 year old’s library book that has to go back today or we are having cereal for dinner..AGAIN. Or when they are both having meltdowns and arguing with me simultaneously and I lose it. Those are the shameful moments.The moments that I want to crawl into a cave, fall into a pool of snot and tears, and wave my white flag admitting defeat.

But who, WHO is going to do this job better than me? Who else is going to love my children with their everything; I love my kids with my entire being.That is why they can make me crazy and break me down.That is why I feel like a failure. That is why my standards are set so high. Not because I love them less but because I love them more than I know how to express. When Motherhood is good it is blissful, when my girls are sweet little angels and we are cuddling up watching some Disney movie while munching on pizza and milk or lying in bed at night, quiet and still like Gods most precious creature. These moments , I almost can’t stand how wonderful they are.These are the moments that make me question why I don’t have 6 kids like my Mom. But when its bad, its gut wrenching and mind fucking and it hurts..bad.I don’t think there is anything quite as awful for a Mother than being overwhelmed and exhausted and having to be helpless as your child runs a 105 degree temperature. You do everything you possibly can, while your hurt breaks for a whimpering child and you wait for something worse to happen.Or having to lie on top of your 3 year old little boy to hold him down as they do a spinal tap on him for his leukemia and hear him scream “I hate you Papi” as he cries helplessly and lashes out at the only person he knows that loves him so unconditionally that it doesn’t matter what he says, Papi will still love him.The helplessness is crippling.

So, when I feel like I am an impostor in the house of Mommy I have to remind myself that I am human, first and foremost. No one is perfect. We are not born Mommies. We are not sent off to school to train for this job. There is no license or certificate of  achievement. There is only loving..lots and lots of loving , growing and learning. What makes you feel like a spy in the house of Mommy? What do you do when you feel overwhelmed and under qualified for this job? What makes you feel accomplished? What do you do with your children that you know is right and amazing? Now, go forth and love your munchkins because no body can do that better than you!Breathe…. Happy Mothering!

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MommyLovesStilettos 2010/11/17 - 10:53 am

I absolutely adore this post 🙂

Big Fat Gini 2010/11/17 - 12:33 pm

Ah, you and I are on the same wavelength today. I blogged about moms being honest about their choices, but I had a lot of the same stuff rolling around in my mind.

How can we be the best we can be if we aren't honest with ourselves. Sometimes, motherhood really sucks. It isn't always fun, it isn't always fair. But at the end of the day, if we aren't honest about that, what do we really have?

Great post, as always!

In Real Life 2010/11/17 - 1:21 pm

Beautiful! Absolutely accurate picture of what it is like to be a mom!

Mamaria522 2010/11/17 - 2:52 pm

Oh how true it is! My mom is so great and when she told me I'm doing a great job as a mother, i cried. No higher compliment. But still I feel like I'm doing something wrong when he's screaming and I don't know why or when his laundry doesn't get put away until he has another load ready to be washed. But I love him more than anyone else ever could! Happy mothering to you too!

The mad woman behind the blog 2010/11/17 - 5:17 pm

Tears.Rolling.Down.Face. I am constantly fighting the battle of me vs mommy. I don't think of my child first, I don't. I know it and it kills me. I should be better. She should be my PRIMARY concern.
And now I'm bringing another child into this world. Will I be up to snuff? Will I be enough? Do I want to be?

I'll get back to you on when I feel accomplished….those moments happen so briefly (like getting her to eat broccoli ONCE!)

Truthful Mommy 2010/11/17 - 1:55 pm

@MommyLoves Stilettos,
Thank you! Very sweet!

Truthful Mommy 2010/11/17 - 1:56 pm

Thank you! I am all for honesty.You are right, what does lying about the whole thing get us?No help and higher than reachable expectations!

Truthful Mommy 2010/11/17 - 1:57 pm

Aww, thank you. I do feel that my truth is certainly more common than most Mommies are willing to admit!I'm so glad to know that I am not alone in my impostoring in the house of MOmmy:)Happy Mothering!

PartlySunny 2010/11/17 - 3:37 pm

When I'm having a terrible parenting day, it always freaks me out to think that no one else could love my kids more than I do (like you said). So this is really as good as it gets. We're all just muddling through, right? At least we're not alone.

Mandyland 2010/11/17 - 11:58 pm

Wonderful post! I have a card on my fridge that says, "Who are these children and why are they calling me Mommy?" There are so many days that I stop and wonder who on earth gave these two babes to ME. Are they nuts?! Then, I have that same feeling that you described. That feeling of total, unconditional love and loyalty to my two precious ones. And I think that the powers that be may not be so crazy after all.

And that's usually when the oldest takes away the youngest's doll and the screaming begins.

Momma Sunshine 2010/11/18 - 9:39 am

Life has taught me that other mothers only appear to have it more together than we do. We ALL struggle with mommy guilt. Those who don't are either lying, fooling themselves, or insensitive pricks.


Fragrant Liar 2010/11/18 - 10:36 am

Yes, there are many questions that roil in your brain when you're a mom/woman and a person who really cares about your affect on people. We just do the best we can, knowing that one day our kids' therapy will reveal to us our mistakes. Heh. And then we can rest easier knowing they still love us regardless, and come what may, we did the best we could.

~*Jess*~ 2010/11/18 - 2:56 pm

Remember that one song, John Michael Montgomery or something? Life's a dance you learn as you go, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow.

Ok lame, you get the idea. But seriously made sense here. I'm sure you are way more kickass than you give yourself credit for.

mama2lilev 2010/11/20 - 3:59 pm

Love this post!! I am constantly debating me vs mommy! Have a great weekend


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