Girl Mom

Bella & Gabs @ first day of Kindergarten pick up! Awwww!

It seems for the wee ones, absence does make the heart grow fonder. My girls are 2 years apart and they are best friends and enemies in any given 24 hour period. They seriously will be hugging and kissing on one another in one moment and in the next telling me how they wish they didn’t have the other. That was until Kindergarten. Oh blessed Kindergarten, that which has caused my girls to absolutely adore and fawn over one another. Every morning it is big strong hugs and kisses and when we pick our Bella up at half day, Gabs runs to her, Bella grabs her little sister, and picks her up in the most adorable pint sized embrace I’ve ever witnessed.I live for this moment. It makes me a little teary eyed. It may be one of the best things to happen to their relationship. They may come out as best friends and put this ” I wish I never had a sister” nonsense aside for good. A Mommy can hope.

OMG, Seriously, does it get any more precious than this? To ME, it does not!

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As I look around my house, I see tiny shoes and tiny socks scattered all about. There is a plethora of hand made gifts, drawings of my girls and myself magnetized to my over sized fridge. It makes me smile to see what my life has become. It may be hard at times to get through the day to day craziness but when little bodies fill my lap, or little hands touch my face before giving me a wet goodnight kiss, when tiny voices lift up their love to my heart..these are the moments of extreme bliss. This is the reward for all of the time spent worrying about my children, our lives, the next big thing, missing my life before my children. In perspective, there is nothing better than being the Mommy to my girls. I don’t even remember my life before my girls blessed it. It seems like a faded, hazy dream that wasn’t that impressive and soon forgotten. I’m not saying it wasn’t good, I’m just saying it is much better with my husband and girls in it.
I have my days when it all feels overwhelming and I long for the days of me time and free time. I long for lazy Sundays squandered in bed, late night, uninterrupted talks with my husband , coming and going as I please. I do sometimes but I really think I am remembering with rose colored glasses. If I think really hard, I remember being bored a lot of the time. If I really think about it, before my husband and children, there was a hole in my life..a large, gaping, life swallowing void. That sounds so 1950’s doesn’t it? I don’t really care if it doesn’t sound cool. I care that when I really think about my life in its entirety, I am exactly where I always wanted to be. I am home. I am blessed with greatness; my cup runneth over.

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Slipping through my fingers~ It won’t be like this for long. I know it seems like I have been dwelling on this topic lately but its just been that kind of a week. My little girls seem to be growing up at lightening speed this summer and, quite honestly, its breaking my heart a little bit. Where did my chubby little newborns crying for me to breastfeed them in the middle of the night go? I may have been terminally exhausted but it was a blissful exhaustion. I wore my exhaustion proudly as some sort of badge, screaming to the world, I am A Mommy! I am AWESOME!

Slipping through my Fingers

It’s true there is a feeling of entitlement that comes with giving birth. Nothing feels quite like it. Sure, I complained about having no sleep, and was constantly questioning the Gods why she never stopped crying. But secretly,(shhhh) I really didn’t mind at all. Much like  I never really minded the unplanned co-sleeping, kissing booboos, or being the only person who could make their world right again. The same way I never minded having to lay down and cuddle them to get them to sleep, or have a lost lovey fed exed in from Grandma ChaCha because my toddler was inconsolable nor did I mind the tears they shed when I left them for the first time with someone else because ,secretly, I loved it all!I love being their everything even if it is a drag sometimes.
It seemed a lifetime before my little babies were capable of doing the simplest of tasks. Then ,it was like I looked away for a moment and suddenly , they were capable. Every milestone filled us with elation and pride. That first word couldn’t come fast enough; hearing their voices for the first time was like hearing the voice of God. Then quickly came rolling over, crawling, cruising, walking, all happened so fast it was like every accomplishment was hurled at me and knocked me onto my ass to sit helplessly and be witness to it all. The thing that no one ever tells you is that with every single new accomplishment, new worries ensue. Of course I wanted them to be more independent. But with each  iota of independence they gained, I had to relinquish a little bit of my heart. I am so proud to be the Mommy of such bright and independent little girls, but the pride is short lived and quickly  heartache takes its place, as I realize soon ….they won’t need me at all!
I can hardly believe how fast these past 5 years have passed and how much my life has changed from having my girls. Having them has certainly given me a greater purpose and increased my quality of life exponentially, in most regards. I can barely stand the thought that one day, in the not so distant future, I won’t be able to see them every day, and worse, they won’t mind.Why doesn’t anyone tell us about this before we get pregnant. The letting go has got to be the hardest part of Motherhood. I used to think they couldn’t live without me, but really, it’s me who will have difficulty surviving without seeing them every day. How do you survive when your heart has left your body? How do you function? They are like oxygen to my soul.Not in some creepy,I’m going to lock them in the basement until they are 40 type of way, I just mean how can you love someone so much and be expected to exist without them in your life at full capacity?
These precious moments that we have the privilege of being part of in our children’s lives pass by far too quickly.My rational self knows this is how this relationship is supposed to play out; my heart, however, has major problems with this whole situation and I am not afraid tell you, I think it is is trying to organize a coup on my good sense.This makes me reexamine my relationship with my own Mother. One day it will be me waiting patiently at home for my girls to call, and  its likely that the calls will never come soon or frequent enough. Soon, I will be the one wanting and needing their attention. Sorry, Mom! Hey, attention, none of this coming back around shit! I said I was sorry! Mom already has you working in cahoots with her to give me ” a couple little girls that act just like you (me)!” So, karma, lets stop all the craziness. I don’t want what I gave , I want more from my relationship with my own girls!
I just hope the Mother /Daughter relationship with my girls grows into friendship as they grow up.I want to be a woman who they look up to , want to emulate, and spend time with because of the kind of woman I am not just because they have to because I gave birth to them. I want them to come to me for advice and honesty and value my opinion. This is something that I have to work at now, because it won’t be like this for long.
But for now, I am going to cherish every single moment of co-sleeping snuggling and random “I LOVE YOU”s that I can get my hands on!

I had to share this video because, as some of you know, this is the song that my Bella looked me in the eyes and said ,”Mommy, this is me and your song!” She was dead serious and I was stopped dead in my tracks and brought to tears; as I am every single time I hear this damn song!I’m telling you, these girls of mine…they have got to stop growing up so fast!


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Like everyone else, I came across this video and was a little shocked, as I have little girls myself.

I realize there are lots of little girls out there dancing to this song, my girls included. It has a rockin beat. The controversy is because of how these little girls are dancing to this song. I think the gyrating coupled with the outfits (OMG those outfits are something) has sent the country into an outrage. I agree that it may not be appropriate but who is at fault? Not the children. They are little girls dancing their little asses off and having a blast doing it.The person responsible is the coach/dance instructor who thought these outfits and dance moves were a good combo for 7-9 year olds. This world is full of enough perverts do we really need to give them an internet virus to catch hold of and run with? I just hate that theses little girls are now made to feel like they are dirty and have done something wrong. My God, its made the  National News . The news is making a big stink that the girls are too young to be so sexy. “So sexy”? Is there any amount of sexy that is alright for that age group? Come on people, lets place blame where it belongs… the coach/instructor/choreographer. I know the parents are being reprimanded for poor choices but let’s be realistic. Sure, they are at fault for allowing it to come to fruition on a stage in front of national media but have you ever had a child in a dance class/ organized activity? Its not like the instructor actually comes out and takes a vote from the parents. They are not particularly keen on having to run everything past the parents. Isn’t that why we pay them the big bucks and entrust our children to them? If you are like me, you insert yourself into the situation somehow via volunteering and such. We have to know what is going on with our children. This is ridiculous.What about the WOD? I mean wasn’t this routine ran passed them in the first place? Even on paper, this would have looked like a train wreck from a mile away. God knows these little girls didn’t think of this routine as being sexualized? They are proud to be dancing and getting all the applause. Its fun to dance that  hard. My little girls saw this video( they walked in when it was on the news) and said Gabs:”Wow! They can really dance!”, Bella: “To me..those girls are amazing to be able to do that!” My girls didn’t notice the raunchy costumes or know that the moves were actually air fornification. Maybe we should blame that same media that is vilifying these parents and children  because they are the same ones who wrote “I can’t really recommend this movie for adults or anyone over the age of 8 or 9. However, if you do have children that age or younger, you can’t go wrong with this movie.;=7195823”. Hmmm! Did you see the Chipettes version of All the Single Ladies? Maybe that’s why these girls were so easily convinced that this was a good choice to perform to. Seriously, is there an adult in the house? Someone in charge who knows better ?  My real concern is for those little girls’ backs…I was seriously afraid one of them was going to throw their little backs out from dancing so hard. You go girls!Happy Mothering!

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                                           ( I think the picture speaks for itself!)

Believe it or not my 5 year old, when she wants to, can be an exceptional help. Normally, I am in full on crazy “gotta get it done” mode and just whiz past her when she is offering to help. I know there are lessons to be learned in letting her help but sometimes the mess I get in return is just not worth it to me. I know, awful , awful woman I am. But today, I let my little Cinderella help. She was all into rinsing the dishes until she realized it was kinda gross and not really as much fun as she had apparently previously thought. Right in the middle of all the excitement, Bella: “Umm, Mom! I don’t really care for this!” Me:” Really? Cause it’s my favorite thing to do.” Bella (completely vexed)”REALLY?” Me: “No, not really. Sometimes, in life, we have to do things we don’t like because we are supposed to or have to.” Bella: “Yeah, well , I don’t like that rule!” (Me neither baby, me neither.) Look at that, I did some completely accidental good mothering…”Go Debi Truthful Mommy, its your Birthday!!” Now,  if I could just convince her little sister that its so much fun to put away laundry!

Really don’t know why Bella was so upset, it wasn’t like she had to do dishes in a third world country…like I had the privilege of doing on vacation to visit family in Mexico when I was a kid.This is not a picture of me, but it was how I had to do the dishes when we went to Mexico. Bella has it easy! Maybe I should show her the picture , when she’s a little older to put things into perspective! Happy Mothering!
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So, as most of you know, my feisty 5 year old, Bella is really trying hard to give up the nap, to my utter dismay. Everyday, I try to put her down for a nap and 3 out of 5 times, mission NAP fails. Today, not unlike yesterday, she laid there for about 1/2 hour then comes out to inform me that “my brain just won’t shut off” and therefore, she can not sleep. She’s wearing me down, I’m about to give in but there is a stipulation. In order to bypass napping, one must promise and abide by the secondary rule by which all non-nappers must be tidy in their beds by 6:30 sharp..hopefully, to be asleep by 7:30 . Dream  big, yes I do. Anyways, knowing Bella, she NEVER abides by this rule. To be honest, short of taking away every single thing that she loves…I have no idea of how to make this whole bedtime ritual go down as planned. As of late, she has decided to put herself to sleep by drawing herself into exhaustion, much the way I like to read or write myself into exhaustion at bedtime (ergo the 2 am postings!)  . I know, now that Ive actually put this in’d think I could find a more exciting , if not creative way to work myself into exhaustion at bedtime. But alas, my husband does work out  of town and off site 5 of the 7 days of the week.But my Bella, she likes to draw herself into sleepiness. I wondered why she wanted the window blinds left half open. This has happened a couple times. Today, however, she really must of had to exhaust herself. Once I no longer hear any stirrings from the bedroom, after her 3rd trip out to ask for water, tv, or a snack, I creep into her my bedroom and find my little Picasso lying exhausted and sound asleep surrounded by a fury of drawings. Be patient, I will share them with you. But before I do, I came in about 2 hours later and she was waking…half asleep and half awake..Bella: “Mommy, did you see the pictures I drew for you, Daddy, and Grandpa Chacha, Grandpa Denny, Grandma Suzy Q and Grandpa Manny?” Me;”Yes, I did . They are amazing! Go back to sleep.” I really did think they were amazing but I also thought they were all for me:) I’ll share..if I have to.

Must be for Daddy..notice the big “D” on it? Looks like Daddy, look at those long legs!

“M” for Mommy! Oooh, thanks Bella! I wonder if that’s really how she sees me? Yikes, talk about a bad hair day?LOL

Look its all of her “parents” Top L-R, Grandpa Manny (curls), Grandma Suzy Q (shorty) Me (crazy hair). Bottom L-R, Grandpa Denny (long legs and losing hair), Grandma ChaCha (long legs and curly hair), Daddy (Long legs and crazy eyes). I love the way she put a “G” on all the Grandparents pictures, and a “M” on mine, & a “D” on Daddy. I think she is absolutely brilliant. These are the moments that make it all worth while.
Speaking of which, Gabs, in her infinite sweetness, sitting in my lap at bedtime takes her right arm and wraps it around the back of my neck and pulls me down, giggles and says, “ME LOVE YOU MOMMY!” and this is a priceless moment that I will never forget. Love my girls!

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Just going through old photos, my girls are sleeping, and it just reminds me that taking time to enjoy my girls is what really makes me happy. They will only be this age for a little while, I know that. I need to remember that. This is my reminder. They are so amazing and I am so lucky and blessed to be their Mommy! They are why I am who I am. They have made my life everything, I never knew, I always wanted. Happiness truly is the smile of your child, the sound of their laughter,  their cuddles and snuggles.It is priceless.

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Lately, its been a real chore to get my 2 year old, Gabs, to sit quiet and still during mass. I’m sure it has something to do with her being 2, her being bored, it being spring, and a laundry list of other reasons. The main reason being that she is 2. I am lucky enough to go to a church with , what I’d consider, to be one of the highest kid to adult ratios. In fact, I am sure there are more children then there are adults. When children’s liturgy convenes, at minimum, 2/3rds of the church disappears. Yes, they are true Catholics. Some parents have as many as 8 children. God bless them. I have 2 and it feels like 10. What must eight feel like? 40? These women look relatively beautiful and composed. I think I may be one of the most disheveled of the bunch. I always come to mass armed; snack, drink, book, baby, barbie. We normally don’t sit in the crying room because well, the entire church is a crying room (refer to inordinate amount of children:) The girls come in and sit right down in their pretty little matching dresses ( yes, I am one of those Moms. My girls match. Hey, they are 2 and 5, really, how much longer will I be able to do this? Don’t feel too sorry for them. I don’t dress them funny or anything.) and they sit down. They look so innocent. I always think hope that this will be the day. This will be the day they behave for the entire mass. One can dream. Gabs normally gets bored about 3 minutes in; as soon as everyone stands up and she can’t see. I offer to pick her up. I really do. But if her big sister is standing, then darn it, so is she. Then we sit. She starts asking for snacks, quite loudly. “MOmmmmmma…me WANT snack!” Me (whispering. dying of embarrassment): “One second sweetie. Wait til Father is finished with the opening prayer,please.” Gabs: “NOW!!” Yes, I am pretty sure all 5 rows surrounding us, front and back have heard. Hell, let’s be honest…Father heard and now my secrets out. I’m letting my kids snack in church. Shame on me. Last weekend, the bulletin asked that “all parishioners”  keep their area of pews picked up before leaving mass; not leaving behind any wrappers, crumbs, etc. Yeah, I’m pretty sure he was referring to the Cheerios that rain down all over that church. Oops! At least I’m not the only one. I try to keep them picked up but I swear those things have legs. I am bringing one of those tiny hand held Dustbuster in my purse next time. I wonder how they would feel about me leaving behind a child:)
Anyways, so that is mass. Gabs making up words to all the hymns. Worse yet, she thinks it is hilarious to sing louder than anyone else around her. Her sister, Bella, she doesn’t always sing but she likes to get her groove on at church. She dances and sometimes she tries to make others dance as well (like unsuspecting little copy cat toddlers, who giggle with delight, as I get shot a “can’t you keep your kid still” stare. NO, NO I Can’t. Can you?” As long as it is relatively quiet and and the girls pay as much attentions as their little brains can muster, I am good. A+ for effort. Then, when I think its safe and we are almost outta that joint  until the next weekend, time for Eucharist. The most holy time of the entire mass. The receiving of blessings and the body and blood of Christ. I look forward to it. It helps get me through to the next weekend. The girls always want to accompany me; they think the blessing received from the Father is the best (even though they both have been known to try and swipe a little body of Christ). We head up to the front of church in a line that lasts for about 15 minutes (its a huge church with all these wonderful parents and the plethora of children that they are blessed with). The whole time ,I am praying “Please God just let me make it to Father and safely back to the return trip to my pew!” I know you are thinking , why doesn’t she leave those brats in the pew. Seriously, you know what would happen. They’d scream the entire time.
This past week, we went to the front. The girls were perfect. They received their blessings, said amen, and promptly turned to return to our seats. I see the light of the open door at the back of the church and I think to more week, I made it. We’re safe. Or so  I thought. As we are walking back, I am in holy hang your head enjoy the moment mode. I look up and I notice everybody smiling, on the verge of giggling. What the heck. Is my dress tucked in my panties. That’s not very Christian….Help a sister out. Then I see the eyes are fixed on my Gabs. My deliciously wonderful, over the top, not giving a shit what anybody thinks..Gabs! Apparently, she thought she had been elected Queen of the Mass. She was walking down the aisle doing the beauty queen wave to all her loyal subjects, complete with big cheesy Vaseline smile! OMG!!!! I can’t take these kids anywhere.

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I thought this Motherhood gig was all about me shaping, molding, teaching these little, adorable human beings of mine. I knew it would be loads of work, and it is. It is a grueling 24 hour a day job that never stops. I knew (in theory) that was what I was in for but I never expected what I actually got.
As tired as I am most days and holding on for dear life to my last string of sanity, I am always amazed. I never expected to learn anything from my children. Come on, everything they know..I taught them, right? Apparently not. I guess I have to relinquish some of the pride in my nurturing because I have to admit, I’m pretty sure there is a lot of nature in it.
For instance, my 2 year old who is so honest at times that she actually scares me.Many times I have asked her to do something and she will simply say no. Ask her why, she will say because she doesn’t want to.In a world full of excuses, this little girl makes none. She is who she is, and that’s who she is..Deal with it! It used to annoy me that she would just say no she didn’t want to.Let’s be honest, us Mommies, we do a lot of things that we don’t want to. I know for a fact I don’t want to do dishes, fold laundry, cook, run errands, pay bills, keep appointments or obligations but that’s my life. That’s being an adult, right? The more I think of it, why can’t I take a cue from my 2 year old in her infinite wisdom. I mean wouldn’t it be the nicer thing to do then to be insulting and come up with ridiculous excuses why you can’t do things. I appreciate her honesty and her braveness with her integrity is admirable. When my 2 year old does decide to help you, it is whole hearted and it is selfless and it is beautiful. From my 5 year old, I have learned to be fearless. I know where she gets this, I do remember a time when that was me.Since having my girls, I have become much less reckless and more cautious because every day with them is the most important of my life. My Bella will do whatever it takes to achieve her goals. It doesn’t matter if it scares the hell outta her, she will pursue it with a fierceness. There is not much she can’t do. In fact, I don’t think there is anything that she can’t do..if she puts her mind to it. Her spirit is free and her heart is open. She loves with abandon and if you are lucky enough to be one of those who she does love; she will walk through hell to make you happy.
My daughters have reminded me that I can do anything that I set my mind to.They have also reminded me to have integrity and pride. I am embracing love with full abandon. I am learning to be honest with myself, to be fearless and to relish all that life has to offer. They have also taught me that a child’s giggle, their little hand in yours, a snuggle, a kiss goodnight, their true smile..can melt your heart and make you feel more vulnerable then you ever thought possible. They have taught me that the world is a beautiful, miraculous place where everything is possible.
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OK, my lovely ladies! I entered your entries into list randomizer at in the order that I received them and then it generated a random order. Looks like the winner is ~J @ Thanks for participating.

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Timestamp: 2010-03-22 03:32:14 UTC

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