I am a Mommy, first and foremost. It’s a fact of my life. I love it. I chose it. This is not something that I got trapped into, this was something that I intentionally chose, in fact, it was one of my loftiest aspirations. I used to be a daughter and sister, then a wife, then a Mommy. Somewhere in there, for a brief fleeting moment, I got to be “Debi”. I remember that girl, I liked her. She was a lot like me but had absolutely no real ramifications for her behavior. It was awesome.
It was pre-filter on the mouth and brain for child security reasons, yet, post the imposed filter of my personal freedoms by my Father:)It was wonderful; it was euphoric. I was selfish, carefree, and completely oblivious to the wants and needs of others. I always did exactly what “I” wanted to do, with no care or concern for anyone else. I know it sounds terribly vain and narcissistic, and perhaps it was, but it was fabulous..for that time in my life…all 15 minutes of it. These days, I am “Mommy”, “Honey”, “Mama” ,”You”, “Mother”, and “Mrs. Cruz” but hardly anyone ever calls me “Debi” anymore.I feel as if I have disappeared figuratively and literally. But for someone who is invisible, I certainly do stay busy. How can this be?
It is absolutely mind-boggling to me but I am fairly certain that I am not alone in this situation. Can I get an amen from my Mommies out there:) So, I go through life, these days, busier than ever before yet feeling like I really never accomplish anything in my days. Every night, I am thoroughly exhausted ( believe me..just ask my husband)but usually can’t sleep.Every morning, I am still tired because I was up the previous night until 2 am thinking of all the “Stuff” I have to do the next day. No fair, right?
Last year, I made a conscious decision that 2009 was going to be the year of “Debi”. I had my mind made up, I was planning to plan to revive that feisty broad.It’s pretty bad when you are telling your husband something about yourself before he met you and he is looking at you like you are full of shit because the “you” he knows, would never do something like that.I was determined, I was making a comeback in my own life. That was my plan! Then, real-life and minutia got in my way.
So, around September ( my birthday to be exact) I put my foot down and started getting to it…for like the 100th time since I had realized that I wanted to change some things. This time it was different though. This time, I made real efforts. I joined Weight Watchers ( yes, to my initial utter embarrassment. I had so convinced myself that I was not “that” fat but I was, in fact, “that” fat and let me tell you..admitting it was the first real step towards fixing it !) , I started walking and working out and making a genuine effort..and didn’t quit or make up excuses after I got bored with it. This time I approached it like an adult. I also joined some Mom’s groups that stress being a woman and not just a “Mommy”, I made new friends ( I had to we had just moved halfway across the country from absolutely everyone we knew), I got a babysitter ( a first for my children aside from the very occasional grandparent) and I forced myself to go out without my children. At my husband’s insistence, I even made it out to a few MNO!
Life was turning around. People were calling me “Deborah”, granted it wasn’t Debi but hey, a more adult version of myself is a good thing, right? Then the holidays hit. We traveled and it was one thing after another. So, here we are at the beginning of 2010. I am still forging on to revive myself. I am the priority in my life now, well…I am one of the top 3, for sure. I am a work in progress, but that is ok. As long as I am on my own to-do list, there is hope for “Debi” My point being, with a little real concerted effort, I am 25 lbs. smaller than I was in September, and I have made some wonderful new friends, and I am feeling more like the starring role in my own Cinderella story versus the cat that belonged to the ugly stepsisters.
I feel like by getting back to “Debi” and introducing that intelligent, beautiful, healthy, cultured, well-read, strong woman to my girls I am not only regaining my independence, my very existence… I am showing them, by living example, that they are important and vital to their own life story. That no matter who they are, what they think, what they look like, and what they choose to be or do in their lives, they must be present and they must be content with the versions of themselves who are present because they are imperative to their own happiness and nothing is more important than feeling like you matter and being fulfilled with who you are in your own life.
Who I am is a direct reflection of who my daughters will someday become. I want them to know they can have the world and that they deserve it all and so does Mommy.The paddles are out, Clear…..
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