The TRUTH About Motherhood

Author: Deborah Cruz

How To Make Home Maintenance Easier
Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
Let’s be real, nobody likes to be in charge of home maintenance. Sure, I love having a beautifully landscaped yard but I hate getting up every day and having to water, prune, weed and repeat every.single.day. Just like I love a clean house but it is my least favorite thing to do with my time and I am not alone.^.
According to a recent study, 6 8% of moms feel “guilty” that their home is not clean enough. However, between work, caring for your children and trying to maintain a social life (if you mean going to the grocery store, attending school functions and trying to squeeze in a daily walk for exercise… sure, we’ll say moms have social lives) , finding time to dedicate to cleaning can feel near-impossible. Believe me, when I have a free moment to myself the last thing I want to do is work. Can’t a mom just binge her favorite K-pop show in her bed, alone in silence?
Fortunately, you do not have to sacrifice your sleep or put yourself on the path to mom burnout in order to keep your home in a nice condition. Believe me, I’m talking from a place of hard earned wisdom. No chore is worth the panic attack. As long as the kids are fed and loved, your partner’s not completely ignored and everyone is healthy… you, my dear, are winning at life.
With that in mind, here are a few simple steps you can follow to make home maintenance easier!
Don’t let clutter control you. I have ADHD. Piles of clutter ( AKA folded clean laundry that never makes it to the closet) is my state of being. It used to overwhelm me but it’s not worth it. Clutter is likely one of the main reasons why your home feels messy. Clutter can make even the cleanest of rooms appear highly disorganized. Not only that, but studies have shown it can also be bad for your mental health! I told you.
Now is the perfect time to take control of household clutter, as opposed to letting it control you. There are many methods you can try here, from the famous Marie Kondo method to simply getting into the habit of putting things away after you have finished using them. Pro tip: If all else fails, do what I do. ( Shhh, don’t tell my mother-in-law). Move the chaos to rooms visitors don’t see. ( Maybe a spare room on the second floor or a defunct craft room in the basement that no one uses). Then you can get to it ( or not) when you have the time to get it organized. Mine is scheduled for September 2025 ( when both girls will be away at college).
Take preventative action. Another way in which you can make home maintenance as easy as possible is by taking action to prevent common maintenance issues. For example, you can install gutter guards to prevent clogs, blockages or other forms of damage to your gutters. This is such a simple preventative action but most of us don’t think of it until our gutters are overflowing. Believe me, you will be glad that you did.
Draw up a chores chart. Believe it or not, you are not the only person in the household responsible for keeping it in good order, even though it often feels like it. Setting your children age-appropriate chores is a great way to reduce your workload. It is also known to help children become more organized and responsible. In short, it sets “the stage for becoming independent and succ essful.” While ticking their chores off the chart can be rewarding in itself, you may want to offer some other incentives, too! We started this when the girls were in preschool. We started with simple things like picking up and putting away their toys or bringing their dishes to the sink from the table. As teens, they do things like cooking dinner, folding laundry (SCORE) and running errands ( that I’d rather not do like grocery shopping).
If everyone helps out, that will definitely make home maintenance easier
Spend fifteen minutes a day cleaning. As mentioned above, it can often be difficult to make time in your schedule to deep clean your home. After all, it’s estimated that a top-to-bottom clean of a family home can take upwards of six hours to complete. But who says you have to do everything at once? Thanks to ADHD, this mom cleans every room in the whole house at the same time so I never finish. It would be comical if it weren’t actually true. If you’ve got that neuro spicy brain that so many of us do, give yourself some grace. Embrace my new motto, not perfect…done.
If you can, dedicate roughly fifteen to twenty minutes a day to cleaning tasks, whether that be laundry , Windexing the mirrors and windows or vacuuming ( get a Roomba and take that one off your list). This way, you’re working through all of the essential home maintenance tasks without having to stay up late into the night. Providing that you complete tasks on rotation also means that you’re not letting any tasks fall off your radar. But if you need to, no worries, they’ll still be there tomorrow. Unfortunately for us, and contrary to what our families seem to believe, the cleaning fairy does not come at night.
Oh, but if it were true, home maintenance would be a breeze
Pro tip: If everyone that lives in the house jumps in and helps, you can deep clean a 3000 square foot home ( at least the first floor) in just under 2 hours. Remember that mom…work smarter, not harder. No one likes us when we’re tired and grumpy. So, let’s all clean hard for 2 hours on Saturday morning ( after 10 though, people deserve to sleep in) and let’s all be happy. Also, remember to eat and drink your water!
Remember that you don’t live in a show home. While you may feel under pressure to maintain a certain standard of cleanliness within your home, it is important to remember that you live in a family home – not a show home. Things don’t have to remain picture-perfect all the time. What matters is you are managing a safe space for your little ones, your big ones and yourself! Your home should be your sanctuary, not something else to add to your never ending to-do list.
If all else fails, girl, chuck it all in the f*ck it bucket. Let all those worries take a vacation.
2024/06/19
The Strangers Chapter 1 Review
Estimated reading time: 3 minutes
Hey there, my fellow horror enthusiasts! Ready to dive into the spine-chilling world of “The Strangers Chapter 1”? If you’re a fan of heart-pounding, edge-of-your-seat horror flicks, then buckle up because this one’s a doozy! Talk about a terrifying tale of survival in a remote cabin. It really might. make you rethink that airbnb in the woods. Also, it’s the perfect summer horror movie to watch with your teens. Just the right amount of creepy.

Picture this: a young couple, played by the talented Madelaine Petsch and Froy Gutierrez, find themselves stranded in the middle of nowhere when their car decides to take a permanent vacation. As if that wasn’t bad enough, they’re forced to seek shelter in a remote cabin that screams, “GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!” But hey, where’s the fun in that?
Disclosure: I was provided a screener of The Strangers Chapter 1 for review purposes but all opinions are my own. Rated R with a runtime of 91 minutes.
Now, I don’t know about you, but if I were in their shoes, I’d be hightailing it out of there faster than a toddler running from bedtime. But our brave (or foolish) protagonists decide to stick it out, unaware of the terrifying night that awaits them.
Enter the three masked strangers, who apparently missed the memo on basic human decency. These creepy intruders have one mission: to terrorize the poor couple with no mercy and seemingly no motive. It’s like they woke up and thought, “Hey, let’s ruin someone’s night for funsies!”
As the night progresses, the couple finds themselves in a desperate fight for survival. They’re forced to confront their deepest fears and make split-second decisions that could mean the difference between life and death. And let me tell you, the suspense is so thick, you could cut it with a knife (but please don’t, because that’s just asking for trouble).
What sets “The Strangers Chapter 1” apart from other horror movies is the sheer unpredictability of the masked assailants. Their motives are unclear, making their actions all the more terrifying. It’s like playing a twisted game of cat and mouse, except the mice are armed with nothing but their wits and a whole lot of adrenaline.

Madelaine Petsch and Froy Gutierrez deliver outstanding performances, bringing depth and authenticity to their characters. You can’t help but root for them as they navigate this nightmarish scenario, and their chemistry on-screen is palpable. It’s the kind of connection that makes you invest in their survival, even as the odds stack up against them.
The remote cabin setting adds an extra layer of isolation and helplessness to the story. It’s the perfect backdrop for a horror movie, with its creaky floorboards, eerie shadows, and a distinct lack of Wi-Fi (because let’s face it, that’s the real horror here). The filmmakers masterfully use the environment to heighten the tension, making you feel like you’re right there with the characters, holding your breath and praying for daylight.
“The Strangers Chapter 1” is just the beginning of what promises to be a thrilling horror series. It sets the stage for more chilling adventures to come, leaving you both satisfied and craving more. It’s the kind of movie that makes you double-check your locks and think twice about venturing into the great outdoors. Talk about a terrifying tale of survival in a remote cabin?

So, if you’re ready for a heart-pounding, adrenaline-fueled ride, then “The Strangers Chapter 1” is the movie for you. Available on PEST / PVOD on June 7, 2024! Thank you Lionsgate for a new horror movie series to look forward to. Just make sure you have a buddy to watch it with, because trust me, you’ll need someone to clutch onto when the jump scares hit. And remember, if your car ever breaks down in a creepy small town, maybe just call an Uber instead of seeking shelter in a remote cabin. Better safe than sorry, right?
2024/06/14
Making the Most of a Master Bedroom
Home renovations are very common in the United States, with homeowners investing time and money to transform their living spaces. We love an underdog story and are all about a fixer-upper. This is why we love a house with “good bones”. According to a report from Architectural Digest, the home improvement industry has seen a surge in activity, Americans spent $363 billion on home improvements, renovations, and repairs in 2020 and $406 billion the following year. This was an 11.8% increase from 2020 and nearly three times the average annual growth of 4.4%. By 2022, homeowners’ spending rose to $472 billion. Motivations behind these projects ranged from needing to upgrade aspects of their home to just simply wanting a change. For me, when making the most of my master bedroom, top of the list of wants is luxurious furniture and decor on a budget. I have great style but with teenagers, tuitions and all that entails sometimes my finances and style are out of sync.
When it comes to home renovations, the master bedroom often takes center stage. As a sanctuary for relaxation and rejuvenation, this space needs to exude luxury and comfort. While many may assume that achieving a high-end look in the master bedroom requires a hefty budget, plenty of affordable solutions can elevate your room’s aesthetic without breaking the bank.
Here are a few decor and furnishing tips to consider:
Incorporate antique furniture
Antique furniture pieces can instantly elevate the look and feel of a master bedroom for less. A trend report highlighted by Real Simple states that vintage furniture store Kaiyo customers have saved over $50 million on top furniture lines compared to buying brand new. Aside from being a wallet-friendly option, vintage dealer Steven Brown says antique furniture is also more durable and made with better craftsmanship than mass-produced pieces. For those looking to infuse their bedrooms with a touch of elegance, visit thrift stores and estate sales or scour online marketplaces. Hunt for pieces like antique dressers, bedside tables, or a vanity that can add character and sophistication to your bedroom without the hefty price tag.
Upgrade your bed
One of the simplest ways to achieve an elegant bedroom is by upgrading to a larger bed size, as they effortlessly evoke a luxurious feel. Additionally, large California king beds are a surefire way to enhance your sleep, providing ample space even if you co-sleep with your kids. In fact, I’m not sure we would have survived the little kid years without a California King sized bed. It allowed for all the togetherness without the discomfort. While it may be a bit more expensive than smaller sizes, the benefits of improved sleep and enhanced bedroom aesthetics are well worth the cost. To create a more opulent atmosphere for a fraction of the cost, consider the California king bedroom sets that are labeled under “outlet” or “clearance” on Living Spaces. There, you can find options like the Willow Creek Cali king set for nearly half the average price of $2000 for a new Cali king bed frame. This set also has a matching dresser and nightstand, which means even more savings.
Don’t leave the walls blank
If you’re working with a bedroom that’s on the smaller side, maximizing wall space is essential. As discussed in our post How to Maximize Space In A Small Home, there are a few ways you can do this. For instance, you can install a tall bookcase that reach the ceiling or try a living wall planter. Alternatively, you can adorn your bedroom walls with framed artwork to add depth and visual interest. Good art can easily be very expensive. Luckily, you can find affordable art made by small artists at flea markets or on sites like Etsy. Interior design experts recommend going for large-scale pieces that complement your room’s color scheme for a polished, high-end look.
Opt for luxe curtains
When creating a luxurious ambiance, pay attention to the importance of curtains. Decorators advise against synthetic fabrics such as polyester and viscose, which can cheapen a room. Instead, Housing.com suggests hanging curtains made of flowy cotton or linen. These are well-suited for both traditional and modern bedrooms. Plus, they’re pretty low-maintenance and can be machine-washed rather than professionally cleaned, which MoneyPantry estimates can cost upwards of $189. Cotton drapes can be layered over blackout curtains, so you don’t have to choose between style and privacy.
Making the most of a master bedroom and transforming it into a luxurious retreat doesn’t have to break the bank. By incorporating these budget-friendly strategies, you can achieve an expensive look without spending a fortune. You can have luxurious furniture and decor on a budget. With creativity and thoughtful planning, your master bedroom can become a sanctuary of style and comfort, offering a peaceful haven to unwind amidst the demands of daily life.
2024/06/13
How To Help Your Teenager Through Exams
Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
School just got out for the summer but I’m already thinking about how to better prepare my girls to succeed next year. Exam time can be stressful for both teenagers and parents alike. As a parent, you realize that the results your teenager gets at school or college will reflect the path they take afterwards. Now, I’m not too worried because I know that there is no one path to success but some paths are definitely easier than others. If your teenager can do well, it could set him up for the future. This is why you need to know how to help your teenager through exams.
Although our teenagers will have to rely on their own knowledge, there are some things you can do to make school and the exam season much easier. If you’re wondering how to help your teen get through her exams, check out the following tips.
Meal Prep
One of the best ways you can help your teenager tackle studying for exams is to make sure she eats well. Eating and drinking properly is essential. Your teen will need the vitamins and nutrients for good brain function and to maintain energy levels.
If you’re seeing your teen going back and forth to the fridge for energy drinks and snack bars, they may not be eating well enough. Do her a favor and make sure she eats three nutritious and well-balanced meals a day to give her the best chance at absorbing and retaining all the information she’ll need to do well on her tests.
Avoid Adding Pressure
Many teenagers say that they feel pressure from their families more than from anywhere else. It’s easy to unconsciously make your teen feel under pressure by hovering too much or asking a lot of questions. I know I’m guilty of this and I never thought it was putting pressure on them until my girls told me it was. Now, I think before I start asking too many questions about exams. Maybe you’ve even offered incentives for doing well. Bet you didn’t realize even that can feel like immense pressure to a kid studying for exams.
There are many variables that contribute to the grades that each child will get from their exams. It can depend on revision time, nerves, whether your child got enough sleep, and all sorts of things. Encourage your teen to do well but take the pressure off. I like to tell my girls to just do their best. Really, that’s all any of us can hope for.
Good Sleeping Patterns
It can be tempting for your teen to stay up late trying to cram in revision hours before an exam. Who amongst us hasn’t spent an all-nighter cramming for exams? Not only is this counterproductive to remembering information but it’s also unhealthy. My freshman year of college, I stayed up all night studying for a chemistry exam only to fall asleep at dawn and miss my exam.The best thing your teen can do is sleep well and use the hours available to study.
Although you have no control over when your teen goes to sleep, it can help to explain why being well-rested before an exam is so important. Encourage your teen to get as much rest as needed before an exam.
Play Games
Your teen is going to need a break from studying every now and then. These mental breaks are important for clarity and taking time to have some fun. Games are a great way to have some fun while still keeping the brain engaged. My girls and I live for our Mario Kart brain breaks.
However, more cerebral games like Chess, for instance, are ideal for engaging your teens brain and developing problem solving skills. Even though your teen is taking a break, he’ll be able to return to his studies with the ability to continue without too much effort.
Study With Her
There may be some subjects that you aren’t familiar with but that doesn’t mean you can’t help your teen study. If you want to be hands-on with helping your teen, getting stuck into study with her is ideal. Find a quiet place to sit together and test your teen on his knowledge.
You can ask questions from what you read on a page or ask typical exam study questions from past exams. This can be particularly good for teens with ADHD. Spending this time is a good way to bond together and your teen will remember that you were there to help when she needed you.
Recognize Exam Stress
Most teenagers have a healthy amount of exam stress. However, some teenagers may suffer with an unhealthy amount. For instance, some teenagers may display signs of severe anxiety, insomnia, loss of appetite, and many more. This happens to be the case for my girls who both suffer from extreme test anxiety.
If you recognize any of these symptoms, it’s worth talking to your teen about what you see. Make sure your teen knows that physical and mental health should always take priority over exams and you’re always there to talk if she needs to.
Let Little Things Go
Perhaps your teenager has a chore list to do around the home. Maybe she’s responsible for walking the dog in her spare time. During exam season, these things need a little more flexibility.
If you notice dirty plates in his room and his dirty clothes are still unwashed, give her a pass. You can help her by taking on a few of these jobs so she has more free time to study without feeling overwhelmed by everything she has to do.
Be Positive
Have you ever read the information on a page three times and still not been able to take it in? Preparing for exams takes a lot of effort and there will be times when your teen may feel like she’s failing. Be positive and supportive during this time so she knows you believe in her.
Make her feel like as long as he does her best, she can’t fail. Empower her to be confident. No matter what the outcome of her exams are, she can forge her own path if she works at it. Where there’s a will, there is always a way.
Study Space
If you’re able to, create a dedicated study space for your teen that will help to set her up for success. If she’s trying to study in the room she shares with a younger sibling, it may be hard to get anything done. Find a quiet and secluded place for her to study, even if it’s just temporary.
It’s also worth explaining to other family members ( younger siblings, I’m talking to you) that your teen needs space and quiet while she studies. Doing well in exams can be a whole family effort when your teen needs a helping hand.
Exercise
Teens cannot live on studying alone. The brain doesn’t work as well without good blood and oxygen flow. Encourage your teen to take walking breaks to get her body moving. It could be as simple as getting up and walking up and down the stairs in your home.
Even better, go for a walk with your teen outside to get some fresh air too. Healthy body and mind for everyone. This will be a huge boost to your teen and she’ll go back to studying with renewed energy and perspective.
Listen To Any Concerns
Don’t assume your teen has no concerns because she hasn’t voiced any. You may be surprised at what your teen is thinking if you ask her. Take some time to talk to her about how she’s feeling about her exams. And make sure she knows that her feelings are valid.
Try to validate her concerns and offer support. Often the best thing you can do is listen, rather than trying to offer solutions. You don’t always have to be the fixer. If your teen feels heard and supported, other things will fall into place.
Reward Effort
Rather than offering an incentive for results, think about rewarding effort. You’ll be able to see how much effort your teen is putting into her studies. Regardless of the results, if you know your teen has worked hard, reward the effort.
This will show your teen that effort is worthwhile and hard work pays off in many different ways. It could mean that your teen is willing to try again if she should fail this time around.
Ask For Support
If you can see that your child is struggling with a particular subject, it may be worth getting some extra support. An hour a day with a tutor at home could make all the difference to your teens exam results. How your teen is taught will affect how she feels about the subject and exam results.
If your teen hasn’t got a good teacher at school, some extra tuition could change everything, including your teen’s confidence.
2024/06/12
A Love Letter To My Strong-Willed Daughter on her 17th Birthday
Gabs,
It’s been a hell of a rough year for you. Life’s thrown you so many curveballs. Things people much older than you couldn’t navigate easily. But you never give up or quit. You fight through the uncertainty. At 17, you’ve had to navigate more than any little girl should ever have to navigate on her own. I tried to step in front of every single hardship and take the hit but that’s not how life works. Instead, I’ve had to watch from nearby, ready and willing to stable you, to pull you up and push you forward. Pushing through the noise and breaking down doors to help you get what you want and need that’s my job. You’ve faced every single trial and tribulation with grace. I wish I could have taken every struggle away.
Maybe we’re too much alike. It’s been like this since you were a little girl. We both know this and it’s probably why we butt heads so often but I hope you know that no matter what standoff we’re having, how hard you push me away or how long you give me side eye and the silent treatment, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be just there; beside you, behind you, or in front of you to guide you to the place where maybe you can’t see because you’re new to it or you’re too overwhelmed by all the obligations and expectations of the world. To me, you are the world so I couldn’t care less about what the world expects of us. The thing I care most about in this world is you and your sister.
Those tears that seem to fall like a waterfall, I don’t see weakness. I see strength and too much love for your little heart to hold. You are one of the strongest people I know. Never stop talking to me. There is nothing that you could ever say that would change my love for you. We are all human. We all make mistakes. Believe me, I’ve made plenty. Our humanity and humility is what makes us better humans to the world. Our mistakes are the lessons that teach us to be who we want to be and change so we don’t become who we don’t want to be.
Always remember that you cannot make anyone love you and you can never control anyone else’s reactions to what you say and do. You can only control your own heart and mind. Keep that in mind when you move through this world. Your words and actions have consequences so consider that before you hurt others. No one owes you forgiveness and you owe no one. The people we’ve loved and lost teach us what we want and need in friends and partners, so never dwell on the loss for too long. Instead, be thankful that you learned such an invaluable life lesson.
I know that your 17-year-old heart takes things personally. I know that every blow feels like the end of the world. Everything is so big at 17. But, I promise you ( I pinky swear on my mama heart) none of this will matter in 5 years. You are growing your soul as much as you are growing your body; stretch and reach. This is the evolution of who you are meant to be. Take it all in because one day, even the hardest bits will be looked back upon with fondness. But why make life harder than we need to?
Never compare your beginning or middle to someone else’s ending. Don’t worry too much about what other people think about you. Their opinion is their’s and has absolutely nothing to do with you. Be happy. Don’t overthink. Fall in love. Dance. Play in rain puddles. You’re never too old for snuggles and hugs. And I’ll never stop listening, caring or wanting the best for you. Go for it. Flap those wings and fly as high as you want. I’ll always be here to catch you if you fall.I’ve got you forever. You’ll never stop being my baby girl, even when you have your own baby girl.
Next year is a big one for you. I want it to be the best. You deserve all the happiness and none of the worry and struggle that you’ve had to endure this past year. Let’s make 17 unforgettable in the best possible way. Stay your loving, sweet, funny, goofy, don’t give a shit attitude that you are now. You are smart and beautiful and more than enough. It is my greatest privilege and honor to be your mom and there will never be a day that THAT is not true.
Love you to the moon and back, forever and ever!
xoxo ,
Mama
2024/05/21
You Mean Well, But Stop Saying These Toxic Things to Cancer Patients
Estimated reading time: 0 minutes
Today’s Throat Punch is a bit of an emotional express train, but it’s an important one. Because while I fancy myself a bit of a comedic truth-teller most days, some situations require putting the funny-lady shtick aside momentarily. This is that moment. Apparently, we all need a tutorial ( a “What Not to Say to Cancer Patients ” for Dummies” if you will) so people can stop saying stupid AF and insensitive things to cancer warriors; to people we know and love. If you don’t stop hurting the feelings of people already dealing with the hardest moment in their life, I may have to put on my ass-kicking superhero outfit and throat punch you for them. You’ve been warned.
What is Glioblastoma?
We’re talking about cancer in general but glioblastoma, in particular, today -according to Cleveland Clinic, glioblastoma multiforme (GBM) is the most common type of malignant (cancerous) brain tumor in adults. Cancer cells in GBM tumors rapidly multiply. The cancer can spread into other areas of the brain as well. Rarely, the cancer spreads outside the brain to other parts of the body.
Glioma tumors like GBM start in glial cells. Glial cells are vital to nerve cell function. GBMs specifically form in glial cells called astrocytes. GBMs are the fastest-growing astrocytoma (tumor that forms in astrocytes). It’s the kind of diagnosis that punches you in the gut and sinks your heart straight through the floor, no matter who you are.
I’ve had more friends than I care to recount bravely fight the cancer monster over the years. I’ve seen it turn vibrant humans into mere shells, ripping away independence, cognitive abilities, and bland normalcies we so casually take for granted each day. Right now, someone I love is facing the kind of diagnosis that knocks you to your knees. She’s one of the bravest and most brilliant women I know and the last thing she needs is to the suffer fools saying stupid ass shit to her online or in person. Thats why I’m writing this because you all need to use your common sense and ask yourself BEFORE you open your mouth, “How would I feel in her situation if someone said what I’m about top ask her?” and then shut your mouth.
It’s a different kind of nightmare when the thing you’re battling resides in the very home base operating your entire physical existence – your brain. Glioblastoma is quite literally your own body turning against you in one of the cruelest, most insidious ways imaginable.
So if you’ve never been impacted by a loved one facing this reality, trust me – just be quiet and send up some gratitude. Because it’s a hell that vastly exceeds any offense my usual Throaty subjects could ever dish out.
But since we’re being radically candid today, I do have ONE thing I’d like to firmly THROAT PUNCH into submission:
What NOT to Say to Someone Battling Cancer
We’ve all been there – someone we care about gets dealt a world-shattering health prognosis. Glioblastoma, or otherwise. And despite our utterly pure intentions, we WILL say inadvertently awful, cringeworthy things in the aftermath as we grapple with how to act.
Comments that make us smack our foreheads in private, realizing we just barged straight into a fully-body-fazed moment of profound uncomfortable silence.
I’ve been that foot-in-mouth airbag inflater more times than I can count. I’ve also been the recipient of stupid and insensitive comments when I was at one of the hardest moments of my life. We want so badly to provide comfort, to say the “right” thing that’ll take away the suffocating weight, but we often shove our foot directly into the wound instead.
So consider this your official game plan for what to SHUT UP about when supporting someone going through hell:
- No Comments About Causation, Vice or Fault
“Did you smoke/drink/eat too many processed foods when you were younger?”
No, Karen, they didn’t “do” anything to “cause” this. Cancer is an indiscriminate monster, period. Unless your genuine medical advice was solicited, stop trying to diagnose a way to rationalize the unthinkable.
- No Platitudes or Toxically Positive BS
“Don’t worry, you’ll get through this! Everything’s gonna be just fine!”
Oh wow, super cool! I didn’t realize this was armageddon allergies and not, you know, a terrifying brain cancer! While positivity has its place, false reassurances often just gaslight away the person’s very visceral fears and struggles. Let them feel how they need to feel.
- No Narcissistic± Sidetracking
“I once had this cousin who had a scare, and let me tell you…”
For the love of God, STOP. This isn’t your moment to make an irrelevant grand pivot and arrogantly make things about yourself for 28 minutes. Exercise restraint and make this about THEM.
- No Unsolicited Treatment Instructions
“From what I’ve researched online, you shouldn’t be doing chemo – only natural remedies and a dairy-free juice cleanse!”
Unless “Dr. Facebook School of Health” is an accredited medical dynasty I missed, keep your unqualified treatment recs to yourself. Ask how YOU can best support whatever THEIR medical team suggests.
- No Weird Existential Probing
“So…do you believe in the afterlife then?”
I CANNOT stress this enough: the name on the Grim Reaper’s ominous guest list is not yours to shortcut RSVP for! Blatantly morbid Qs only amplify fear and discomfort, so shut your literal forever piehole.
…And Above All Else: NO MAKING IT THEIRS
- “Your/The Cancer…”
This fire-breathing monster FORCED its way into their life uninvited. It was not some assumed decision or claimed identity. It’s simply an unfair, horrific circumstance beyond their control that they’re being outrageously strong in fighting.
So make damn sure you don’t go accidentally making this THEIR personal “thing” to have with possessive language. It’s NOT THEIRS – it’s the disgusting affliction they have the profound audacity to keep rallying against each day. So afford them that vital distinction.
At the end of the day, someone facing a cancer nightmare doesn’t need your wacky armchair expertise or stifling social niceties. They need two very simple human superpowers from you:
- A stubbornly present supportive ear to listen…
- And a soul strong enough to look the dragon’s flame straight in the eye alongside them without flinching.
Just show up and BE THERE, through all the scary valleys and occasional picturesque peaks this horrendous road is sure to bring. Let them lead the conversation where they need it to go.
Do NOT co-opt their grief. This.Is.NOT.about.You.
I don’t care how terrible you feel, I know it sucks. but you need to be cool bitch. Hold it together. Only speak affirmations of your unwavering faith in their ability to keep fighting, and that you’ll be their kick in the pants when they need it most:
“I don’t know what’s coming, but I know YOU – and you’re stronger than whatever bull$#%* this thing will throw your way. I’m locked in, strapped in, and not letting go for a second until we’ve kicked cancer’s ass together, side-by-side. Whatever you need from me – whenever you need it – you’ve got it.”
Because at the end of the day, that’s all any of us really needs when facing the abyss:
The validation that we don’t have to be stronger than we’re capable of.
Just strong enough to never have to be stronger ALONE.
So let’s all take a big collective breath and do BETTER at being present for those being swallowed whole by this nightmare.
Say THE right things – or just shut up and SHOW UP with the strongest heart you’ve got. That’s more than enough to start.
Sending all my love and strength to every last warrior still waging this heaviest of battles today, especially my girl, Jill. You are the bravest souls, and you’ve got infinite love, light and support behind you for the hearty fight ahead.
If you know someone going through a cancer struggle, I implore you – check in on them. Ask how you can tangibly lighten any load, no matter how small. Offer to lend an ear without caveats. Stay involved in their journey without forcibly inserting yourself as a hype-person. Send them a meal for the family. Pick up the slack. Drive the kids to school. Do the laundry. Load the dishwasher. It might seem mundane but when you’re going through a life changing struggle, the little things matter.
And most importantly, if they’re a parent facing this terror…ask what you can do to support their child or children too. The psychic/emotional/physical tolls of this beast impact entire families. Do what you can to ease that unbearable burden in any way they need.
We’re all in this life thing together – let’s start showing up that way for those doing the hardest pushing and shoving against darkness to keep seeing brighter days ahead.
While you are here, if you want to do some good you can start here:
I don’t ask for much ever but Jill Smokler is one of my dearest friends and favorite people in the world. She is facing one of the most challenging moments in her life.

To know her is to love her and I f@cking love her… so much. She has made it her mission to help moms and women all over the world; from making them laugh and cry their way through motherhood, to putting Thanksgiving meals on tables for families who otherwise would have none, to helping us Gen Xers and Millennials laugh our way through our perimenopausal rage. She’s always been there for us and it’s time we’re there for her.

If you’ve ever enjoyed her stories on Scary Mommy, listened to the She’s Got Issues podcast, sat around a table or a pool under the warm Florida night or had the privilege and honor of knowing her, loving her and being her friend, please donate!
It is our turn to show up for Jill by relieving her of some of the massive financial burden that this fatal disease is causing so she can focus on fighting and being present for her three kids without the added stress of paying for medical expenses, experimental treatments and everything they entail, rehab, and the list goes on.

Let’s show Jill that this massive community she has touched is still here and in this fight with her!
Please donate here ( if you can) and please share this fundraiser far and wide!
https://gofund.me/cb1a596f
2024/05/20
Tiana’s Bayou Adventure 2024
Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
Y’all Ready for This Splash-tastic New Adventu re? Listen up, princesses and Disney adults, alike! The clock is ticking, and we’re just DAYS away from one of Disney’s most wildly anticipated new attractions dropping into the Magic Kingdom; Tiana’s Bayou Adventure!
Is Tiana’s Bayou Adventure Coming in 2024?
On January 22, 2023, the iconic Splash Mountain ride closed for royal renovations. But no fear, on June 28, 2024 the iconic ride will reSPLURGE anew as Tiana’s Bayou Adventure. This is a musical, heart-pounding celebration of the first Black Disney princess, Tiana herself! Have I mentioned that she is my favorite princess, with Merida, Rapunzel and Moana coming in a close second. Who am I kidding, I love all of the Disney princesses. I just happen tp identify with some more than others.
And if this news doesn’t instantly flood your heart with nostalgic Disney magic and pure HYPE, we might need to revoke your mom card. Because let’s be honest – what’s more iconic than a strong, determined heroine who didn’t just dream it, but DID IT? Tiana built her entire life from the ground up through hard work, grit and an unshakeable belief in herself. Bring on the Black Girl magic because I am here for it!
She’s the Disney princess for today’s mamas hustling on a million different levels ( and especially those of us with ADHD) while still trying to keep our poise, grace and beignet powder properly applied, you feel me? Tiana understood the assignment.
Is Tiana’s Bayou Adventure the Same as Splash Mountain?
While Tiana’s Bayou Adventure is replacing Splash Mountain, it’s far from a simple rebrand. This new attraction picks up where the 2009 movie “The Princess and the Frog” ended, inviting guests to join Tiana, Naveen, and their friends on a new adventure. You’ll explore the bayou, discover the rich culture and spirit of New Orleans, and experience Tiana’s story of hard work, perseverance, and dreams coming true in a whole new way.
So get ready to be DAZZLED as you drop down into the lush, jazz-filled heart of New Orleans and join Miss Leading Lady herself on a brand new, musically delectable adventure.
Is Tiana’s Bayou Adventure Going to Have a Drop?
The Iconic Drop That Had No Business Slapping That Hard Let’s start with the obvious – Tiana’s Bayou Adventure is keeping that surprising, serotonin-spiking 52-FOOT PLUMMET that made Splash Mountain an undisputed thrill ride queen.
Except this time around, you’re free-falling straight into the festivities as Tiana, Naveen, Louis and probably some dapper, lively critters get the band together for the Mardi Gras party of the century.
Just picture it: you’re bobbing along, shimmying through the bayou to some jammin’ zydeco when BAM – you get LAUNCHED over a modern day grand picture mill-esque showstopping scene starring the iconic princess herself. Then it’s “raining” as you splash down into the celebration, instantly becoming the life of Tiana’s party. WHY LAWD?! Sorta. It’s a water ride, after all.
It’s taking the surprise element that shocking drop of Splash always delivered and leveling it UP with the festive, jaw-dropping pageantry only Disney could conceive. You’re about to be part of the show, baby!
(Bennett Stoops, Photographer)
Everything to Know Before You Drop Into Tiana’s Bayou Adventure
But That’s Not All, Folks… While Tiana herself will obviously be the emerald-studded guest of honor, the new ride is stuffed with surprises, scenery and characters that’ll have your family squealing from the front row.
There’s the whimsical aesthetic of Tiana’s bustling New Orleans restaurant-running life to admire as you float through. The zydeco funk soundtrack hitting from every mossy branch (we WILL get songs stuck in our heads, it’s happening). Then, maybe some fun, useful cooking tips from Mama Odie’s mouth herself ? Probably not, but wouldn’t that be cool?
And we’re predicting there will be at LEAST one critter convention showstopper celebrating Naveen’s motley princess-charming crew where we finally get the 3D Louis the Gator experience we all secretly craved.
Speaking of, how stinking ADORABLE will it be to watch our little ( and big) kiddos’ eyes lite up as they finally see their beloved Tiana & Co. in the full flesh? My teen girls cannot wait and neither can I. The first time I met Tiana at Walt Disney World, I actually cried. I cried folks. Look, my soul is prepared to levitate at the first sight of my girls screaming “THERE SHE IS!” at their favorite Disney heroine like she’s the dang president or something.
TL;DR – it’s about to be an overstuffed Sammy of New Orleans-inspired delights, magic, and heartfelt life lessons that’ll sear your childhood into the footprint at the bottom of the ride. Just as a family Disney journey should be.
The Inspiration Behind the Ride
The Powerful Princess Story We Need But beyond the splashy thrills and Broadway-esque fanfare, Tiana’s Bayou Adventure gives us a much-needed beacon of inspiration we could all use more of. Especially today’s youth.
Tiana: The Ultimate Role Model
Unlike so many other Disney princesses, Tiana wasn’t born into wealth or royalty. She was a young woman from humble beginnings who rolled up her sleeves and DID. THE. WORK. to make her wildest dreams a reality. Who wouldn’t be inspired by her? She’s a “can do” attitude icon.
From working multiple jobs to bobbing for frog princes in the dead of night when opportunity knocked, Tiana showed that grit, perseverance and leading with your heart will always win out. Her story isn’t about tiaras or toxic tropes, it’s about manifesting the life you want through sweat, smarts and self-belief. #Preach
And in this world of overwhelming think pieces and thinkfluencer anxiety…that message feels more relevant and POWERFUL than ever, doesn’t it?
(Olga Thompson, Photographer)
A Family-Friendly Adventure
With all the social media fluff, filtered fronts and princess fallacies being CRANKED into our daughters’ worldviews on a daily basis, I’m pretty dang stoked to usher them into this next iconic Disney era. One where a hard-working young queen who looks like them gets to take the well-deserved lead and center stage, while still jamming to absolute bops.
Get Ready to Drop Into the Magic
So Let’s Dive Right In to This New Adventure! The way I see it, Tiana’s Bayou Adventure is more than just an adrenaline-pumping boat ride with jazz hands. It’s set to become yet another wildly inspiring, smile-insemintating, generational bonding experience – like only Disney can provide.
The New Orleans Connection
It’s an homage to New Orleans’ rich cultural ties and Black histories; a testament to the people who live and breathe NOLA. Tiana’s Bayou Adventure is a life primer on dreaming BIG, working harder, and becoming the main character you’re meant to be. And most importantly, it’s a reason for families everywhere to make more magical memories as we collectively slip-slide into summer.
So let’s get ready to make a splash, mamas! Don your cutest Tiana-approved seersucker and make those Walt Disney World vacation plans ASAP. Because this attraction isn’t just bringing thrills – it’s bringing a whole new paradigm of Disney fun. And it’s bringing empowerment along for the ride. Believe me, you won’t want to miss it for the world.
Don’t miss out on the adventure! Book your tickets to Walt Disney World now and be among the first to experience Tiana’s Bayou Adventure on June 28, 2024. For tips on maximizing your Disney vacation, check out 10 Tips for Maximizing Your Walt Disney World Vacation for Free. Plus, learn how to make the most of your trip with How to Plus Up Your Walt Disney World Vacation for Free.
Remember, Tiana’s Bayou Adventure isn’t just a ride—it’s a journey into the heart of New Orleans. It’s a celebration of dreams, perseverance, and the magic that happens when you believe in yourself. Share this post with fellow Disney fans and start planning your magical adventure today!
Book those vacay packages now! The bayou is calling, and it’s time to let the good times roll with Tiana taking the lead.
2024/05/19
Confessions of an Out of Control Online Shopper
You know what really makes me feel out of sorts? Trying to online shop like a normal, functioning human being instead of the out-of-control, gabillion browser tab-having, aimless browsing CYBER-TROLL that I really am. Enter the BAB shopping app.
There you are, just an innocent mom looking for a new sundress or sandals for an upcoming beach vacay with the family. You pull up one website to peep their spring collection. Cute prints, fair prices, you add a few picks to your cart to mull over.
Then, out of nowhere, the primal shopping maniac possesses your cursor. Next thing you know, you spiral into a multi-hour, multi-store, multi-browser BENDER of massively disappointing proportions.
Disclosure: The video in this post is sponsored but all opinions about BAB shopping app are my own.
Suddenly it’s 3am…you’re drunk off buying power…you have 9,428 open windows…and $2,718 worth of COMPLETELY INCONGRUOUS SHIZZ in carts across 27 different websites.
You’ve got:
- 16 sundresses (no shoes or accessories)
- 7 hideous candle options
- Half of Home Goods’ dinnerware section
- A $179 dog raincoat (you don’t own a dog)
- 37 anti-aging serums and supplements
- Some guy’s entire Etsy inventory of garden gnomes
- 68 mini travel accessories from the skymall catalog
…and the free Hulu binge just logged itself out from inactivity. FML.
We’ve all been there, amirite?? Idly clicking and maniacally hitting “add to cart” one too many pairs of ripped mom jeans or seasonal throw pillows we SWORE we needed deep in the money-is-no-object delirium of 2am. We’re about to organize the shopping madness.
Well NO MORE, my digitally unhinged sisters! That feverish shopping psychosis is about to be REINED. THE. EFF. IN!
Introducing: BAB shopping (aka Big Ass Bag) – the revolutionarily simple app that finally wrangles all your frantic online hauling into one blessedly organized place.
With BAB you can: ✨Curate collections for every niche interest or hobby (baby showers, gardening, dog mom-ing, crystals, you name it!) ✨Budget shop across dozens of sites just using one easy payment method ✨See at a glance how much you’re spending and where ✨Compile lookbooks and outfits in one clickable place ✨Share/collaborate carts with other mom friends …and more!
It’s all the indulgent, unhinged joy of window shopping from the comfort of your couch (or bathroom, no judgment) – but without the frantic CLOSING of 94 tiny browser search windows when your husband/roommate walks in.
You can leave BAB open indefinitely and it somehow makes your compulsive digital hauling seem…organized? Curated, even? A COLLECTION, not a cry for help!
And yes, it’s absolutely a place to harmlessly DUMP those 3am impulse purchases that sober-light hits and you immediately regret. BAB doesn’t judge your 11th pair of ugly Crocs this month, friend. We’ve all been there!
So for all you mompulsive online shopaholics out there – the digital black holes who leave aimless browser trails of abandoned e-carts in their wake like modern-day Ariadne’s string – get yourself BAB to rein in that feverish online spending energy!
It’s gonna change your entire digital hauling game, promise. (No more waking up at 4am like, “WHY do I have a cart full of male rompers from Banana Republic??” ever again!)
Tag your most out of control online shopping friend and tell her to getBAB-ing, you beautiful unshowered trolls! This simple app is about to be the organized chart-topping banger your life of internet aimless discography has been desperately needing.
So BAB up, haul responsibly, and stay spicy! This is the year we’re all finally getting our financial lives together…ish.
2024/05/17
I Thought I Was Bipolar, But Turns Out I’m Just ADHD AF
I just found out that I’m neurodivergent. I’m “ADHD” official, if you will. I knew it! I tested positive for ADHD, combined type. Yes, I know it’s not a disease but after the 2 day 5 hour in depth evaluation that I just endured…”testing positive” feels about right. To put it in perspective, most adults with an ADHD diagnosis fall into the inattentive category but this Latina likes her neurodivergence extra spicy so let’s put our whole ass into it. Of course I got a late ADHD diagnosis because I’m never early for anything. But now what? Who even am I? I don’t just have a raging case of ADHD, I no longer tested indicative of any mood disorder. WHAT THE FUCK??? My bipolar 1 diagnosis is now up for debate… 25 years later.
When I was 27-years-old, a routine gynecological visit changed my entire life forever. My life had been ramping up into the fevered pitch of this moment, starting at about the age of 14. I remember thinking to myself, how can I survive this life? At that moment, there was carnage all around me. My “Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde” father was a mean and violent alcoholic when he wasn’t a doting daddy. Maybe he’s bipolar? My mother was a loving and caring mother until she had to emotionally check out just to stay above ground for her 5 children. In our family, it has always been all or nothing. You were, I am… all or nothing.
We were the collateral damage of the dysfunction of our parents and they were the result of the dysfunction of theirs. I felt nearly completely abandoned at one of the most crucial and pivotal moments of my adolescence. I should have been accustomed to it; this unrelenting state of fight or flight that had been my constant state of being for as long as I could remember. From about the time I entered kindergarten ( which also happened to coincide with the birth of my parents’ 4th child), I felt like I lived a double life. Bipolar, biracial…it tracks. When I was a little girl, my identity always seemed in question. Identifying as half this and half that, just so as not to offend either parent.
Looking back, none of us knew what we were doing. We were all just trying to survive our existence; everyone of us was a victim of our circumstances and living the life we were born into as a result of the trauma and ignorance of the previous generation.
All this to say, I was out of control by the time I was 18 and arrived on campus at Purdue University. It was my first taste of freedom and I was relishing every single moment. I was, quite literally, completely out of control…or at least that’s the way I felt. By the time I saw a psychiatrist, my behavior was so compulsive and manic that a gynecologist noticed it during a brief conversation. That was my life for the next 2 decades. I’d accepted my fate and have been walking a mental health tightrope ever since.
I devoured every book that I could read about my diagnosis. I even took several graduate level clinical psychology classes. I embraced my diagnosis and became very self-aware about my moods; actively making sure not to do anything to tip the scales in any direction. I’ve been doing this since 2000.

I Thought I Was Bipolar, But Turns Out I’m Just ADHD AF

But after extensive evaluation from the neuropsychologist, not only do I have a late ADHD diagnosis, my current evaluation did not indicate any mood disorders. Let me say that again…I.DID.NOT.INDICATE.FOR.ANY.MOOD.DISORDERS!!! What does that even mean? To be clear, I’ve never heard of anyone growing out of bipolar. Of course, the neuropsychologist said she’s never encountered anyone who has been non-episodic for 20 years, especially after being weaned off medication. So what does this mean for me?
Since being diagnosed, bipolar has dictated a lot of how I live my life. There are things I’m not supposed to do, drink and eat. This living in a perpetual state of fight or flight and trying not to tip the mood scales is completely exhausting. If I don’t get enough sleep, drink too much caffeine, drink too much alcohol ( which I never do because I thought I spent my 20’s self-medicating and I come from a long line of alcoholics) or get too stressed, I’m always afraid of what the consequences might be. But now they’re telling me, maybe it was all wrong. Maybe it was my raging ADHD all along. I know ( because I studied the DSM when I was first diagnosed) that there is a lot of overlap in symptoms between both diagnoses but this has been two decades of my life spent living my life afraid of going manic again. This was a lifetime ( I was 6 the first time I remember a doctor suggesting that I probably had ADHD) of being untreated. I’ve spent my entire lifetime masking who I really am.

Is Everything I Am Just a Symptom?
I’m so fucking angry and sad right now. I thought I was going to be relieved, like I was when they diagnosed me with Bipolar 1 because it felt like an answer to what made me feel like a problem. But now, this ADHD diagnosis feels like it undermines my entire existence. I feel like my life could have been so much easier had I known and had the tools to do, be and feel better.
Looking back, it all makes sense now. The inability to focus or prioritize tasks – I’d have 100 browser tabs open and constantly flit between projects. Constant fidgeting and restlessness. I remember tapping my feet incessantly during class or meetings until someone would give me an annoyed look.
Blurting out whatever was on my mind without a filter. I can’t tell you how many times I overshared personal details or made inappropriate comments because my brain raced ahead of my impulse control.
Impulsive decision-making was the norm for me. Like the time I randomly decided at 5am to get my tongue pierced. Or when I racked up debt in my 20s from spontaneous shopping sprees and vacations.
Struggling to manage my intense emotions was an almost daily battle. I would rapidly cycle through sadness, anger, euphoria, and anxiety without any seeming reason. My emotions always felt SO BIG.
Forgetting everything constantly was so normalized for me. Walked into a room and forgot why I came in there? Yep, every single day without fail. My short-term memory felt like (and still feels) like a sieve but it turns out I’m just always distracted.
These weren’t just personal quirks or flaws – they were textbook signs of ADHD that went undiagnosed for over 40 years.
Suddenly, I am realizing things that I thought were my winning personality are not even me at all but the ADHD. I feel like my life is adding up to a series of traumas and diagnoses that were put upon me to make my life as difficult as possible. At the same time, I feel like I’m one of the lucky ones because I did learn to live with it. I accepted that my life was meant to be hard. Maybe this is why I so completely embrace my parents’ golden rule of “where there is a will, there is always a way”, maybe it’s all because my life has always been not easy. I realized through years of therapy that my ”toxic positivity” is authentic, but it is also one of my many coping mechanisms. Everything I thought was special and original about myself is a result of trauma, diagnoses, neurodivergence and genetics. Am I even who I’ve always thought I was? This is the part that is breaking my brain and my heart.
Looking back, so many struggles in my life make complete sense through an ADHD lens:
- My feelings of constantly being overwhelmed and burnout as a mom of 2
- The out-of-control impulsivity in college that led to that initial misdiagnosis
- Toxic work environments and being labeled “difficult” for missing deadlines
- Procrastination as a way of life and always needing hard deadlines to perform
- Endless guilt and shame for perceived personal shortcomings
- Strained relationships from emotional dysregulation
- Panic attacks from having too many racing thoughts simultaneously
- Repeating stories over and over again because I forgot I already shared them
- The way I can’t watch a movie without asking 100 questions while Googling everything
The list goes on. For so long, I internalized these issues as personal failures instead of hallmark ADHD traits crying out for support and management. I didn’t know.
I thought I was forgetting everything over the past few months due to perimenopause. I accepted my fate. It’s genetics and aging, no one escapes it. I started having panic attacks and my memory has become more unreliable than ever. I literally forget everything, all the time. I even started thinking maybe I’m exhibiting some early signs of dementia. That was terrifying.
Good news is that my memory is great. However, I am very inattentive and always have so many thoughts in my head that I can’t remember them all so my short term memory is always on a lag, if it remembers at all. Forget girl math, I’ve got girl ADHD. Maybe I am perimenopausal but both symptoms I have can be attributed to ADHD. Did you know that being that full-on ADHD can cause panic attacks? Yeah, because you’re anxious about having so many simultaneous thoughts.
But now, armed with this new diagnosis, I finally have the tools and understanding to begin properly treating and working WITH my ADHD brain, not against it. It’s honestly life-changing. But, I’d be lying if I didn’t say it’s been hard to accept. It’s felt like learning that everything I ever knew or believed about myself has been a lie and that’s been massive.
According to my neuropsychologist, TikTok has everyone self-diagnosing themselves with autism and ADHD. While I don’t think anyone should get their medical advice ( or news) from social media, I do appreciate that it can make some people more self-aware so that they can get help if they need it. However, my doctor told me that if you’re an adult and you think you have ADHD, usually 9 times out of 10, you’ve been told at different times within your life that you might have ADHD. I was told by 6 different doctors ( 5 in the last 3 years) but I’ve been putting out teenage mental health dumpster fires for as long, so my ADHD was not top priority, not until it all got to be too much with Gabs’ depression and CSID diagnosis. That’s when I decided that I needed to know for sure and seek treatment. The process is not fast.
It took 4 months to get on the schedule for the initial evaluation. Then it took another 3 months to get in for the 3.5 hour evaluation. Then, it took another couple weeks to get my diagnosis. That was in March. I don’t see my psychiatrist for medication until the end of May, then there will be the drug cocktail adjustment period. So from start to finish, it’s probably going to take a year to get to a place of stability. Meanwhile, I am second-guessing every single life decision up until now.
Was it me or was it my ADHD?
But no more beating myself up when I miss an appointment or make a silly mistake. No more forcing myself into rigid neurotypical boxes and processes I was never meant to fit. With self-knowledge and self-compassion, I can finally create systems and strategies to accommodate how my beautiful neurodivergent mind works. For me, learning to live with my ADHD begins with understanding and forgiveness.
Now, I can lean into my ADHD strengths like hyperfocus, resilience, ability to thrive in chaos, creativity, and passion. I can let go of the internalized ableism that made me feel inadequate and “less than” my entire life.
I’m mourning the young woman I was who suffered for so long without understanding her brilliant ADHD mind. But I’m also rejoicing at finally knowing the truth about myself after a lifetime of masking.
But, now, what? Who am I? I’ve always said that I’m more than my diagnoses but now, everything I thought I was feels like a symptom of ADHD. So if you’re a woman who constantly feels like she’s struggling, masking, using every ounce of energy just to appear “normal,” or just feels “too much”… please get evaluated for ADHD, even if you’re well into adulthood like me.
This diagnosis could be the key to radically transforming your life for the better and embracing your neurodivergent strengths. It was for me…well, I’m in the process of transformation but I’m still very much a work in progress.
2024/05/09
Coping with the Deafening Absence After Losing Your Dog
Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
There’s a reason they call dogs “man’s best friend.” They worm their way into the deepest crevices of our hearts and become inextricable parts of our families. So when the day comes to say goodbye, it absolutely shatters you.
Last year, on May 6th, our beloved Lola, a sweet, quirky Victorian bulldog who’d been by my side for over a decade, passed away. Her loss left a chasm in my soul that still hasn’t closed, even weeks later.
Our Lola was more than just a pet – she was our furry child, a bright light during one of the darkest chapters of our lives. Back in 2012, my world imploded after suffering a devastating miscarriage and losing our first boxer, Saffaron. I vividly remember curling up night after night, hollowed out by grief, utterly convinced that my family would never make it through that gaping void of compounded loss.
Then, on December 14th of that same year, Lola quite literally pranced into our lives – a tiny ray of hope swathed in a big pink bow. From the moment we locked eyes with her sweet, gentle spirit, we knew she was our family’s redemption and path to healing. Lola filled every nook and cranny of our broken hearts with her pure, unconditional love.
She was there for us through all the ups and downs over the next decade – our steadfast, loyal companion who sensed our every sadness and snuggled up to us until the sorrow temporarily melted away. When I shattered my leg in 2015 and couldn’t walk for 3 months, Lola stayed dedicated by my side day and night, raising my spirits in a way only she could.
Our bond went far deeper than most people share with their household pets. We loved our Lola as fiercely and wholeheartedly as we love our human children. So you can imagine the earth-shattering despair when her health began rapidly declining in the summer of 2022 due to Cushing’s Disease.
Why Losing a Dog Leaves You Broken
For months, I had to hand-feed Lola, spoon by tiny spoon, as she grew weaker and more emaciated before my eyes. My heart shredded further each day watching her die a slow, undignified death despite our relentless vet visits and medication protocols. It’s impossible to know when to let go. We were in constant contact with our vet to make sure that she wasn’t in pain,
I tried preparing for the inevitable while paradoxically holding out hope for a miracle. I told myself “When the time comes, at least you’ll know you cherished every second with her and eased her suffering in the end.”
But as all my fellow pet parents know, those affirmations offer little solace when you’re suddenly staring into the eyes of your beloved fur baby and realizing this might be the last time. On May 6, 2023, Lola collapsed in the yard, finally succumbing to her illness. The light faded from her warm brown eyes as she locked her gaze on mine, silently communicating this was her final goodbye.
That pit of dread and grief was all too familiar, conjuring up the anguish of my miscarriage – that same powerless feeling of watching someone you’d give your life for slip away. I promised myself I’d hold Lola until her final breaths, stroking her soft fur and reassuring her that everything would be okay. For hours, I cradled her in my arms, violently sobbing as I felt her tiny heartbeat grow faint under my fingertips.
When the inevitable occurred and Lola finally stopped breathing, a part of me went still and cold too. We rushed her to the emergency vet not to save her, but to ease her transition to the other side since she seemed trapped between two realms. Standing in that sterile lobby begging strangers to help my baby as her limp body hung in my arms…I’ve never felt so hopeless and hollowed out.
How to (Try to) Heal a Shattered Heart
Lola was more than just a beloved pet – she was a child to me, a treasured family member whose cuddles and kisses provided comfort unmatched by anything else. Her love helped carry us through some of life’s most traumatic, arduous valleys. And now, home no longer feels like home; living in a Lola-less house each day is like being stabbed anew.
My morning routine is forever altered – there’s no tiny wagging tail to greet me or watchful brown eyes following my every move as I get ready. No affectionate snuggles as I breakdown in tears reaching for her favorite soft blankets that still hold the smell of her. I see her everywhere yet nowhere. One saving grace is that we have Stella, the Dogue de Bourdeaux we adopted the spring before we found out Lola was sick but even so, our Lola was irreplaceable.
Friends and loved ones with the best intentions still mention our sweet Lola. But they couldn’t possibly comprehend the permanence of this loss. Just like humans, our pets leave indelible pawprints on our lives that we’ll carry forever.
While the searing pain of acute grief does inevitably dull over time, for those of us who love our pets as our own children, that dull ache never fully disappears. We simply learn to rebuild our lives around the holes they’ve left in our hearts.
One step at a time, one fond memory at a time, we transform our sadness into newfound gratitude for the unconditional love they bestowed upon us. For me, this pain transcends just being “sad Lola’s gone.” More than anything, I feel deep regret, knowing we’ll never again experience her constant companionship, her intuitive snuggles on my darkest days, those small joys that comprised my “normal” for over a decade. No other pet could ever replace the sacred space she occupied.
So if you’re grappling with this same devastation, please be gentle with yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for days when you can’t pull it together, because this grief is incredibly disruptive and all-encompassing. Let the waves of sadness crash over you – cry until your heart feels hollow again if you have to. Your pain is valid and real.
Most importantly, keep your beloved pet’s spirit alive by sharing their story and honoring their unconditional love. I’m finding solace in reliving all the hilarious Lola tales that made our family roar with laughter over the years. Though our home feels emptier without her tiny paws clicking across the hardwoods, she’ll always be our guardian angel on the other side of the rainbow bridge.
In time, we’ll be able to celebrate Lola’s life without feeling consumed by tears. We’ll adopt another rescue and pay forward the boundless affection she shamelessly showered us with each day.
Until then, we’ll continue leaving the porch light on for our sweet girl, so she knows there’s still a way back home to the people who love her most.
A Call to Honor Our Beloved Pet’s Memories
I’m sharing Lola’s story today because I know I’m not alone in feeling this profound, seismic heartbreak and upheaval after an adored pet passes away. Whether your baby had fur, feathers, scales, or something else, their absence leaves a cavernous void that humans are simply not equipped to navigate gracefully.
So let’s build a community to uplift each other through these brutal, raw moments. If you’ve ever lost your own furry BFF, please leave a comment sharing their name and a fond memory that still makes you smile through the tears. Let’s swap coping strategies, survival tips, and most importantly – humor and hope that our pets’ legacies will carry us through the darkness.
We’re in this together, opening our arms and hearts as wide as our four-legged friends taught us unconditional love means. Hug your babies a little tighter today and be ever-grateful for their pawprints on your soul. After all, it’s better to have loved and lost an irreplaceable pet than never experienced their extraordinary, once-in-a-lifetime companionship at all.
2024/05/06