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The Kindness of Strangers

by Deborah Cruz

The past week has been the hardest of my life, thus far. I’ve been walking around in a surreal state of existence since last Monday, only half-feeling my grief.

I can’t seem to get the ultrasound image of my perfect baby out of my head. He looked so peaceful. In my heart, that was my baby boy.

The girls have been distracted. I’ve gone out of my way to keep them occupied. Partly because I don’t want to see them sad, partly because I can’t survive another round of my 4-year-old ugly crying telling me that maybe if she loved the baby more, the baby would still be alive. My heart can’t handle being broken into too many more pieces or it may never heal.

I’m not crying constantly anymore. I’ve spent most of the last week in a Vicodin induced fog and I’m all right with that. I need the physical and emotional pain dulled. Each ache and pain is a constant reminder of what I’ve lost.

People are afraid to talk to me and when they do, I see the pity and sadness in their eyes. I’m able to talk about it now, a little bit. I still can’t say the word miscarriage aloud without crying. I’m still trying to wrap my brain around all of this. It’s hard. I’m trying to see the purpose but I can’t make myself understand.

One thing has gotten me through without jumping out of my skin or curling up into the fetal position and dying, and that is you. All of you. Your love, support, kind words and endless prayers have given me the strength to survive this tragedy. People I have known my entire life, my parents, my family, my friends and my beautiful husband and children have been here to love me, to hold me and to give me the space I needed to muddle through.

But you have given me a steady stream of reassurance and by sharing your stories of your own losses; you have made me feel not alone when I have felt the loneliest of my life. When I felt my whole world was spinning out of control and I was losing sight of any hope of normalcy, you have been my touchstone. A terrible thing has happened to me but through it, it’s been made clear to me how blessed I am in my life by the people I know. You are all so much more than just readers, followers and people I know on the computer, you are friends because only a friend could show such genuine love and continued compassion. Your words have saved my life and my sanity. Thank you does not seem to express the gratitude and love I feel for what you all have done for me in this past week but it’s the only words I have, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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Suniverse 2012/05/07 - 10:47 am

Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. I truly am. I’m sending good thoughts your way.

Bella 2012/05/07 - 11:06 am

Hugs. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. Hugs to you and your family during this.

Corey Feldman 2012/05/07 - 12:06 pm

I am so sorry for your loss. I also applaud your bravery and willingness to share your tragedy. We haven’t met in person but I love your writing and facebook updates. My heart hurts for you.

MommaKiss 2012/05/07 - 12:55 pm

Been thinking about you, thank you for sharing your feelings with us, girl – we’re here for you.

Vida 2012/05/07 - 1:00 pm

I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. I am also sending some positive thoughts for you and your family.

Jana (@jana0926) 2012/05/07 - 4:16 pm

I’ve had you in my thoughts and prayers. And will continue to do so. ((hugs))

Julia Roberts 2012/05/08 - 12:17 am

Still holding you in my heart.

Cindi 2012/05/08 - 8:49 am

Continuing to pray for a physical and emotional recovery. Lots of suggestions or advice if/when you’re ready to ask. You know where to find me. 🙂

Big hugs and lots of prayers!

Jess 2012/05/08 - 12:36 pm


Venus 2012/05/08 - 3:59 pm

“Thank-you,” when heartfelt, is one of the most beautiful things in the English language I believe, so don’t sell your words short. Though I should also say that you know we’re not here for the thanks, we’re here because we care, and we need no payment of any kind for that. Still, I’m glad to hear we’re helping. Hugs hugs hugs.

Allie 2012/05/09 - 12:25 am


You know when words just don’t “cut it”? Well, this is that time.

Just sending you virtual hugs and kisses.


Melinda@LookWhatMomFoundandDadtoo! 2012/05/09 - 11:21 am

There is nothing we can say to make the pain go away. It’s been 10 years since my miscarriage it there is still an ache in my heart but I know things happen for a reason. I have a son and youngest daughter to show me that.
I’m sorry!

Claire 2012/05/10 - 12:53 pm

Though I should also say that you know we’re not here for the thanks, we’re because we care, and we need no payment of any kind for that. Thanks for sharing..

Bruna 2012/05/10 - 4:01 pm

Still thinking of you and holding you in my heart. Wishing there was more I can do than this but we know that is silly. Sending you virtual hugs and kisses 🙂

Lisa 2012/05/11 - 9:06 pm

I have friends who have lost many people in their lives and sometimes they come in threes. I guess that’s life saying we don’t have total control of whatever it throws at us and sometimes, it sucks. We don’t know what lessons it will teach us and the reason why it has to happen which makes it all the more painful but one thing I do know when you’re at your lowest: you will know who’s really going to be there for you no matter how you treat them due to our reaction to situations like this.

You and your family will now be part of my daily prayer.

Jessica 2012/05/14 - 9:12 am

Oh I know that look of pity and the people who are afraid to say anything. I’m thinking of you and sending you tons of love and support. xo

Janice Laurel 2012/05/28 - 6:31 am

I am so sorry for your loss. Take heart and be strong. I will surely keep you in my prayers and God will come through for you.

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