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angels, national pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, miscarriage, parenting, friendship

angels, national pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, miscarriage, parenting, friendship

Sometimes something unexpected happens, when you least expect it. Awhile back, my dear friend, Jessica Watson, asked me to join in on a pregnancy and infant loss memorial. I was happy to join in but when it came time to contribute my photo of me holding the last ultrasound of the baby that we lost, I just couldn’t do it. I’m still muddling through the muddy waters of loss and just when I think I may be getting to a point where I am less affected by our loss, I’m slapped  upside my head with the realization that it’s still actually a gaping wound on my heart. But this is not about that open wound, this is about the amazing women who have held my hand, cradled my heart and come to my rescue. There are angels among us.

I’ve known these women for quite some time. Mostly we know one another through our blogs and social media. We’ve never met in person. I’ve never had the honor of hugging them or thanking them for what they have done for me. They are beautiful, humble and genuine to the core. We are connected, some through our shared wound and some who just have hearts so big that they completely envelope you when you are in animalistic pain and they soothe your soul with their kindness and caring.

They don’t know me. Not really. I am practically a stranger by most standards but it didn’t matter. They are not restricted by time and space, they are angels. What have they done, you ask? They are the type of women who see past what you are saying and see what you are feeling. When I had my miscarriage, so many wonderful friends online and in real life, sent me condolences and cried for my loss. They shared their stories and they eased me gently back into the world of the living when all I wanted to do was curl up and disappear. You can’t imagine how badly I wanted to just disappear from existence. I just felt like part of me had died on that day.

But these women have never forgotten. They check on me periodically, ask how I am doing and genuinely care what my response is. Erin (@ErinMargolin) is my first angel. This lady has done so much on so many different occasions that I will never be able to repay her kindness to me. There have been cards to make me smile when I thought I never would again.We may have never met but make no mistake, she is my sister. She is truly one of the most amazing human beings that I have ever known. You all know I don’t gush, so you realize that she must really be someone special and I am sure if you know her, you know this already. She is just a really great person. I don’t know how else to explain it. She is the standard by which all people should hold themselves to.  @mommaKiss sent me a card, in the mail and to my house. I know it sounds like such a simple thing but for someone to take the time to choose a card, sign it and mail it is a big deal these days. It meant so much to me and it made me feel connected when I felt disjointed from the world. Jessica (@JessBWatson) this dear and beautiful soul, who deals daily with the pain of her own loss, made time in her life to check on my during mine and , more importantly, to check on me still. She knows the lingering pain of loss. Sunday night, she participated in a lantern launch in memorial for our babies in heaven and I had no idea that she was going to include me until I received a photo via tweet of the lantern this sweet woman launched in memory of our baby that we lost before we ever got to hold. This small gesture has renewed my faith in humanity. It meant  more to me than words can ever convey.

Believe me when I tell you that my online friends are real and there are angels among us.

Photo Courtesy of Jessica Watson/ Four Plus an Angel

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The past week has been the hardest of my life, thus far. I’ve been walking around in a surreal state of existence since last Monday, only half-feeling my grief.

I can’t seem to get the ultrasound image of my perfect baby out of my head. He looked so peaceful. In my heart, that was my baby boy.

The girls have been distracted. I’ve gone out of my way to keep them occupied. Partly because I don’t want to see them sad, partly because I can’t survive another round of my 4-year-old ugly crying telling me that maybe if she loved the baby more, the baby would still be alive. My heart can’t handle being broken into too many more pieces or it may never heal.

I’m not crying constantly anymore. I’ve spent most of the last week in a Vicodin induced fog and I’m all right with that. I need the physical and emotional pain dulled. Each ache and pain is a constant reminder of what I’ve lost.

People are afraid to talk to me and when they do, I see the pity and sadness in their eyes. I’m able to talk about it now, a little bit. I still can’t say the word miscarriage aloud without crying. I’m still trying to wrap my brain around all of this. It’s hard. I’m trying to see the purpose but I can’t make myself understand.

One thing has gotten me through without jumping out of my skin or curling up into the fetal position and dying, and that is you. All of you. Your love, support, kind words and endless prayers have given me the strength to survive this tragedy. People I have known my entire life, my parents, my family, my friends and my beautiful husband and children have been here to love me, to hold me and to give me the space I needed to muddle through.

But you have given me a steady stream of reassurance and by sharing your stories of your own losses; you have made me feel not alone when I have felt the loneliest of my life. When I felt my whole world was spinning out of control and I was losing sight of any hope of normalcy, you have been my touchstone. A terrible thing has happened to me but through it, it’s been made clear to me how blessed I am in my life by the people I know. You are all so much more than just readers, followers and people I know on the computer, you are friends because only a friend could show such genuine love and continued compassion. Your words have saved my life and my sanity. Thank you does not seem to express the gratitude and love I feel for what you all have done for me in this past week but it’s the only words I have, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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I saw this video this morning and it made me smile! Hope it does the same for you! Sometimes we just need to let our super freak come out and play![/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

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Anyone who has ever read my blog knows that I am a super advocate of sisterhood. I think that cat fights between women are ridiculous and that if we all spent a lot more time being real and supporting each other, life would be so much better for all of us. Why does it always have to be a competition? My kid does this, does  yours? My husband makes this much money, what does yours make? My house is bigger than yours. It truly is a pissing contest for women! I can keep the house immaculate, my kids listen to everything I say, sleep in their own beds, go to bed at a reasonable hour with no drama, they are reading at a 5th grade level @ the age of four, I eat but can not gain weight, my husband just keeps getting better looking, and my kids are absolute perfection, did I mention they eat absolutely everything I put in front of them. The laundry seems to do itself, I love to cook gourmet meals for every meal, I am completely organic, I made all the baby food and my babies only wore cloth diapers and drank organic, non tainted by caffeine or alcohol breasts milk. P.S. My shit doesn’t stink! I live in a mansion on the corner of bliss and perfection…or was that delusional and insanity?  And you? OK, Bree friggin Van de Kamp…you are not real, you are some convoluted conjuring of what some crazy tv exec thought real life is…not even in the 1950’s, my brother sister!If we’d stop trying to make the other Mommies think we have it all under control without even breaking a sweat, maybe, just maybe we’d have some back up in the trenches instead of one more enemy trying to kill our spirits and crush our souls!
So, as if that is not bad enough, that we are all running around lying to each other about how perfect and easy our lives are, we are inadvertently (or maybe purposefully) making other women (Mommies ,specifically) feel like they are losers because they don’t think life is easy or perfect and neither are their kids and their husband. I mean ,myself,  I’ve actually winced at the prospect of having to go to the grocery store, been brought to tears trying to figure out what the hell to wear out in public to drop my kids off at some class or other, the dishes make me want to kill someone ( actually just myself..I truly hate dishes!I am not above existing on paper products!), my girls still miraculously end up in our bed in the middle of the night, I have actually been reduced to feeding them cereal for dinner (only once..I promise)….though, I must confess, my kids are pretty perfect….to me! All kids are perfect to their parents! My point is my fellow desperate housewives, we would not all be so damn desperate if we could all just get along! Next time you feel overcome with the need to blow crazy smoke up your own ass, in a coffee induced fog of meanness,  Please remember that Mommy that you are making feel 2 inches tall would probably serve you better as a cheerleader than as a doormat!
PSA: Please be kind to your fellow Mommies! She is not your enemy, she is your sister, your friend, your confidant, your tether to sanity!

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Once again, it is Truthful Tuesday. I am being truthful today about the fact that this Tuesday I will be in a right terrible mood. Why,you ask? Today is the first day in a long line of days of when my husband will be working a new job, out of town. What this means for me is that I will miss my husband, whom I actually like and will miss seeing every day. I know some couples are good with seeing each other only a few days a week but we have always been a very close couple and he is a very hands on Daddy. That leaves me lonely, busy, and probably quite crazy by the end of every week.I am not looking forward to Never getting a break within the 24 hours. I am a little scared of the ramifications it will have on my girls. Thank God we will see him at the end of every week, and that will truly be something to look forward to but that leaves me , the dancing monkey, trying to fill the space and time that will be left by his absence. We’ve done this before and it didn’t work out very well. There were meltdowns galore, tantrums, crying spells, misplaced anger and confusion and that is nothing to say of what it did to the children:) So , my confession today is that I will miss my husband terribly and , hoping not to sound ungrateful, I hope that something closer turns up sooner than later. I’d much rather have him close and here to kiss good night every night and for my girls to have him to run to every evening when he gets home from work with excitement and wonderment in their eyes (because to them Daddy is simply amazing).Today my confession is that I will miss my husband, my best friend, more than I am allowed to tell him for fear that he will feel bad about having to go. So, I am telling you girls to get it off of my chest.Happy Tuesday!

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OK, so just now it came to my attention ,as I actually have 5 minutes to think, that I have not shaved my legs for 3 days because I dropped my Gillette and it shattered into a thousand little pieces.By the way,just a little secret, a Hispanic girl cannot be running around town with no razor because you know what that means…there’s a damn hairy woman on the loose! I’m not being funny. The reason I had no razor, well because I ALWAYS completely forget about what I need from the store because I am trying to remember what everyone else needs..cause I’m a Mom or I have my two little ankle biters (more like hip biters they are getting so tall) in tow.Of course, when they are with me, I am on complete autopilot to my surroundings, except where it concerns their well being. Yeah, don’t make the mistake of trying to talk to me when I’m with them.You will seriously walk away thinking,” That poor “special” Mom, all alone with those kids!”

This Mommy Brain is gonna kill someone

Anyways,so sidetracked, damn Mommy brian brain! The hairy legs got me thinking, this whole “mommy brain syndrome” it could really be dangerous, even more so than me being mistaken for a Sasquatch and being shot by a hunter. Here is a brief list of some (just some) of the things that have endangered my family and myself; washing hands while drying hair ~brushing teeth with diaper cream ~ mistaking my exfoliating mud mask for moisturizer ~ mindlessly plucking gray hairs (can you say bald spot)~ not being able to remember if you took your much needed back medicine, so taking it again( getting really relaxed and pretty useless ..woohoo)~driving while watching the kids in the rear view mirror, as if you can actually stop the cat fight that is going on between a 2 & 4 year old by sheer mind control~ leaving the house forgetting to turn off the iron, flat iron, running water~ forgetting to lock any and all doors when going on a weekend trip (shhhh, don’t tell my husband)~ going out to get the mail in your pjs..only to be locked outside by a 2 year old who doesn’t know how to unlock the door in 20 degree weather ~ same 2 year old locking you out of running car~ forgetting to put a bra on in mad dash to return movies before incurring the late fee~ forgetting to brush your teeth (sorry people)~ forgetting to stand back away from it all, breathe in, exhale and love those crazy little babies for who they are in all their nerve wrecking glory! There is so many more instances of my Mommy brain but if I told you..well, you know what I’d have to do:)

 

This Mommy Brain is gonna kill someone

Please keep an eye on all of your Mommy friends and let them know there are groups for all of us Mommies with Mommy Brain Syndrome..they are called friends and we can all use a few more and support one another through these trying and dangerous times. Please be safe and Mommy Brain responsibly.Happy Mothering!

Whew, thank God the kids are in bed…Mama needs a pometini!Rehashing all the dangers of my Mommy brain has caused me to have a thirst.

 

This Mommy Brain is gonna kill someone

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OK, Truthful Tuesdays….once again, we are gathered here to expunge our psyche’s of all of this unnecessary bullshit that we’ve been carrying with us in tortured silence and not so silent misery.No judgment, no ramifications, just support and love from those of us who are exactly where you are….the brink of insanity, the end of our rope, a not so high ledge. No matter the circumstances, we are with you. Today, I’d like to confess that I wish my 4 year old, who has just learned to whistle, would stop whistling! It is incessant and relentless!I actually have started to hear it, even when she isn’t doing it. I have developed a raging case of phantom whistling.
I, also, wish that my 2 year old would stop asking me, “Why?” about absolutely everything!!!Argh!!!I do mean everything! Example: “Gabs, please put on your shoes” Gabs:”Why?” Me: “Because we need to go somewhere.” Gabs:”Why?” Me: “Because we have an appointment.” Gabs: “Why?” Me: “Because I said so!” (oh yeah, I have become ‘that’ Mother) Gabs: “Why?” Oye vey, this kids gonna break me!
And I am peeved that, though I know we are fortunate, I hate the idea of my husband being “out of town” for 3/4 of the week for his new job. I can’t tell him or anyone else because I would seem like an unselfish wretch…but I can tell you girls anything! Happy Tuesday!

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Good morning, my sunshines! It is Tuesday morning again! You know what that means. Time to let it all out:) Of course, today is Fat Tuesday..so maybe we should really get it all off our chest in anticipation of Lent.I mean who doesn’t want to start Lent off with a clean conscience and a light heart! So, please join me in our weekly expelling of our “demons”.As always, I will start!
I wish that when I asked my husband to call me from the road, when he is driving in bad weather and I am waiting to hear how an interview is going, he would actually do it! Instead of me having to track him down and him giving me vague answers!Argh!!
I wish that my 2 year old would keep her hands out of her sister’s face. It’s so bad that her older sister calls her “the Tiger”. When I asked,”Why?”, she simply replied,”Because she claws and bites, Mom!”Enough said!
I wish that same “Tiger” would stop bringing the glitter glue to me and forcing it into my face, narrowly escaping dropping it into my much needed coffee!
I wish that I could write this blog in silence versus the screaming, crying, chaos that ensues each time I attempt to get in front of the computer!It’s like they do it on purpose!
Finally, I wish that I , along with all the Mommies I know, could do everything, be everywhere, and get as much done as we want to without filling guilty for neglecting our children, our husbands or our responsibilities! In short, I wish that we could all live free of Mommy guilt!!!
Ahhh, breathe in, breathe out! My husband just woke up…yeah, just now. Must be nice! I better go and inform him that I am bestowing the honor of driving in the blizzard to get the groceries. Ahhhh, sweet revenge!LOL
Your turn! As I have said before, do it anonymously if you like but please…get it off your chest! No infraction too small or too large. We will love you still and think you are an awesome Mommy…just for being human and trying!Come on girls….Do the Fat Tuesday!!!

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OK, Ladies. I know we are all perfect Mommies, as perfect as we can be, on any given day depending on whether or not we’ve had our coffee and/or enough sleep the night before. But I think Tuesdays should be our new vent day. I thoroughly believe that all Mommies need to ban together and help one another fight the good fight. Let’s support each other and learn from one another. SO, hence forth..lets take Tuesdays to air our dirty laundry or lets say to be truthful about some of our not so perfect moments. It will help other Mommies know they are not alone in the way they are feeling and it will probably be good for a chuckle for all of us. So, lets meet here on Tuesdays…https://motherhoodthetruth.blogspot.com/. Post something that makes you feel like less than a perfect Mommy, sign it anonymously if you’d like, get it off your chest and help someone else out! I’ll be here Tuesdays, I hope you will too!

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